one day my friends and i decided to study outside front our hostel dorm room while basking in the sun, he came and sat down to study with us and we started having normal conversation like normal humans do and just like that I started to feel something.

at first, it wasn't love but i get this exciting, joyous and warm feeling when I talk to him. so i always went to him for my daily serotonin needs and eventually i caught feelings.

mostly he talked, he talked about his girlfriends, his taste of music and also got recommended some good songs, he talked about movies too and how Timothee Chalamet and Zendaya were his favorites, or maybe not (forgot what he really said here) and he was very excited for the dune movie which both of the celebs just mentioned were casted, the movie was sandy and dry tho.

just few months after, corona happened again so we had to report home soon so before that happened I made and wrote him some kind of letter+poem+card, where i wrote about how i felt and how I admire him and also wrote about some of the stuffs that happened while we spent time together. And being a swiftie i made sure to leave some Taylor Swift song reference here and there on the card.

( guess what? i got the card idea from his ex girlfriend, but then that was the only way I could tell him everything so...but i made him something else besides the card :))

the day when we had to go came it was quite a busy one. I told my parents to come and pick me up in the afternoon and because of that i got to see most of my friends off. About the card, i couldn't give it to him in person cause i was nervous and scared cause if i did give it then, him being the type of person he is would have read it then and there i would've gotten rejected in person which sucks so i kept it with his belongings. And texted him about it when i reached home.

when it time to go i went to say my goodbyes and he was taking his afternoon nap as always so i just gently tap him on the back and said, "bye, I'm going." Goodbye hug weng into the trashbin.

30 minutes and i reached home, texted him about the letter and i cried.

and then i wrote this while on the process of getting myself together -

i'm fine,

let's pretend that i am,

lying in a field of daisies

while i'm sleeping, apethetically

i'm trying,

not to hurt myself

thinking 'bout the possibilities

when you cleary didn't want me

i'm hoping,

thought it was helping

but i'm drowning more into misery

but it's what has been holding me

i'm misreading,

dissumilating my feelings,

thinking they were for me, realising

they were for the one you keep reminiscing

i'm tired,

it's not fun anymore

it never was, creating scenarios

till it became a freaking endless series

i'm wondering,

would i be happy

seeing you happy with someone else

but some part of me is selfish enough not to

but you couldn't care less

even if you do, there's nothing to be done

i'm unable,

unable to erase that part of you

that picture perfect you, i created

in my head

i'm afraid,

afraid of losing you,

afraid that i won't be able

to find someone else as nice as you

Overthinking has got the best of me...