i suddenly become so hopeless . as if everything being snatched away & what will come in future will also be eventually snatched away. i become tired. i want to die . but then again the resources i waste of my parents i want to return them first.otherwise they will be sad/ resentful of me. as if i never had anything of my own. the only thing i could fight for was also vanished. i am the most useless person i guess. couldn't do anything right.

vision become blurry but can't leave phone behind . so if i am not a loser then what am i.

i am loser without a single thing in life . i actually have a thing just my parent , even though my mom just took care of me as her duty not out of love . her motherly love has many decendent - 1. my sister 60% 2. my cousin (su,ra)(15+15)\=30% 3. me 8% 4. others 2%.

i don't know why i am still effected by her after knowing all of that. she has the power to make me cry in even my joyful day. i tried to be her daughter like my sister affection last for few days . but after i make some mistake by chance the effection totally gone. i tried to massage her trying to do her chores a little but affection doesn't last. she sometimes become sweet & most of the time become bitter. but in greed of her sweetness i still get effected.

my dad is good. he is the only one not pestering me . but out of his good will he get nothing . i can't even take of his burden.so how am i gonna face him?

out of way , even if i wanna die i just can't . it is a sin in islam. so i have to endure everything. even if everything thing snachted away ,even if everyone blame me or even if my sister -" i diserve all the hate from people which i got because according to her my behavior are so" and i couldn't even answer her because what should I say? no i didn't do anything bad to make them hate me ... but the question comes if don't do anything wrong then why everyone will eventually come to hate you.. i couldn't ans because i know 98% of people i know hate me , even my mother sometimes, sister too .

but i never remember doing something bad to them .

my sister is flawless beauty unlike me .so i have to always be compared. not only with her but even all my cousin in family is real beauty and i am just a taint. but it actually doesn't matter to me. but after i started to understand things , looking back it was so weird that none of my relative / anyone like me . thought maybe cause i am my Father daughter but after my sister is born & she got loved by them i understand even if you want like a child the has to be beautiful. not a bad looking like me otherwise you will be only ignored & they will pretend like it was all your fault for having that kind of personality. but you will see if someone is good looking their personality hardly matters.

every people has good & bad in their personality but if you are not good-looking or have a good body none gonna search for your traits just assuming you are bad .

so its not ending her i have to survive for sadness to take in.