DOUBLE IDENTITY
starting on secondary school
Shaza
when i was a kid, i dont know what actually happen
Shaza
suddenly i start my life as a boy who like girly thing like toy
Shaza
i like to dress like a woman.
Shaza
wanted to try what make me look beautiful
Shaza
i tried wearing child gown that own by my sister.
Shaza
even when i pee, im not standing like a boy, but squat like a girl.
Shaza
i dont know why this happen to me.
Shaza
i was born in muslim family.
Shaza
when i pee, my family saw and laugh at me.
Shaza
they say im just imitate woman.
Shaza
but deep inside me, i know im not like the normal kid
Shaza
i know im different and i feel afraid. because boy should not be like this.
Shaza
i use to play with my brother. go catching fish, swimming at river. when i started to get older
Shaza
i realize something that i really dont want to. at the age of 10, i started to like male.
Shaza
why this happen to me. firstly i like girl thing. now i start to like male.
Shaza
in my family i have a lot of brother that i dont even like them.
Shaza
i hate their attitude. i never experience something good from any male, suddenly i have this kind of feeling
Shaza
then at the age of 11 yo. i started to collect handsome male pic as collection in the book.
Shaza
but i keep it secret. since im afraid people know about me.
Shaza
at the age of 11, i kinda fall in love with my senior. he is handsome, kind and he is the head of prefect.
Shaza
i never approach him. cause i know my feeling toward him is wrong.
Shaza
1 day, he come to my class with his created toy, i guess which made from straw and stapler.
Shaza
he come to every boy and scratch it on everyone hand softly. he is kind guy.
Shaza
to me that is something normal for 12 yo boy.
Shaza
btw how can someone 12 yo already look so cool and handsome. btw me looking so ugly and dark at that time
Shaza
btw i forgot to tell. in school i fix the way i walking. i fix it so people wont know im girly boy.
Shaza
at the age of 12 yo. as you know he already go to secondary school. i was left alone. he just only memories.
Shaza
im starting to feel lazy to come to school. i alway skip the school.
Shaza
until one day. teacher come to my house and ask me to go to school.
Shaza
im lazy and have bad scored.
Shaza
at start to have a feeling on skecthing and coloring. eventho not that good.
Shaza
at that time we dont have phone. what can i do?
Shaza
watching tv and sketching
Shaza
final year have come and i get wasnt good result. feel bad for myself and also hate myself.
Shaza
i hate the feeling being dumb and having double identity. faking myself look more male than i should be
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