hey hey im rish!

I come from a narrow-minded family..with so many restrictions u know so it's hard sometimes.

im from india,raipur, Chhattisgarh. I dont know if u even know about this place.

I live in a joint family..mom, dad, sis, uncle, aunt, two cousin brothers nd my grandma..

lets get into the story then.✌🏻

IM always depressed..just walk around the house like there's nothing inside me..im empty inside..as people say u have a fire inside u (means u have a goal that wanna achieve u live for that goal to come true..or u are passionate) I dont have anything I wanna achieve I even try to find one but I can't, hope u have one(referring to who is reading) I just overthink everything ppl say. I can't sit without doing anything nd if I do then my thoughts choke me. I dont know what to do.? what not to do.?

I have so many "whats" in my life rn. At the age of 14, I wish I could die..but I can't die as I dont have any blade or resources with me. I m always tensed. I dont even know which subject I have the most interest in, first I used to think it's maths but..um nahh!.. I have an interest in music I can say that..yeah!..but I read somewhere that only about 0.0002% of people have chances to be successful in music as their career. I am- dunno?.

I did things I have to regret about it and I hate that the most..whenever someone speaks 'bout that I wish I can die better than hearing this..it kills me, inside I go through a lot of shit. well, everyone goes through shit, but I think I have the biggest shit as per my age rn..im just soo tired that I can't fight them anymore. I am tired of overthinking, hearing everyone's shit that they are goin' though..but just tell me how to take this shit from our head and throw it in Dustin?! u dont know yet?

I also dont know..pals..that's why im goin' through this. if I would have known this. I would be sitting normally without any thoughts..but if there are no normal ppl who can do this( gods can, and if a ppl tries he/she can also) im tired of ppl controlling my life like that. I have to ask them where should I go and where I should not..( i meant for weekends ) I pray to god *god cant u just kill me* * I dont wanna suffer like this*.

u know when I was a kid I took part in a music competition and we have sing in the assembly. I was in 2 nd class..and our homeroom teacher told us to come in front of the class and give your audition if you were interested so I was the first one..when I started to sing..(dont remember the song I was singing). I could hear laughs..when I was in the middle of the song some kid from the class laughed so hard that it ruined my song so I stopped singing and was just standing with my eyes down.

I didn't have any friends as it was a new school for me..and after that day they started bullying me about my voice..( and now I have a complex about my voice I can't sing in front of anyone now). but they selected me to be a part of that competition(just because they were feeling bad for me..a pity) I was at the corner of the mic my voice was nowhere to be heard only the front ones were singing I was told to do lip-syncing.

Now here comes RACISM

Even my close ones used to compare me to my siblings for skin colour and what not..so how can u be so sure that strangers won't bully me..there was a kid from my class who was bullying me he was beating me with paper balls..then I thought he is just kidding around..so I giggled..but he was doing it continuously then I told him to stop but he threw scissors at me and I dodged it somehow...I started crying but u know no one asked me what happened..many of my classmates saw me, I was a weirdo so no one was my friend..then when I asked that boy that why he threw scissors, he said- u already have an ugly face. I was making it uglier that's it..he laughed with two more boys around him.

so thats it for the 1st chapter!!❤

hope y'all like it!👻

"Fall 7 times but stand up eight"

I have done so many things that I shouldn't have I regret every minute, every second and killing myself from that regret.

and see im still regretting it...

I had my phone when I was in 8th as a teenager I wanted to try new things or I wanted to make a boyfriend. I installed an app named "brainly" it's a kinda famous one. I installed it for my study purpose but unfortunately, I was distracted..there's an inbox section when u go to ur profile..someone messaged me.

*before message*

I posted a fake pic of my leg and lied that I fractured it..so some boy messaged me that im okay or not so then we started talking..and he asked him to be friends..but as I was a desperate teenager for a boyfriend I asked him to be my boyfriend he agreed I was very happy but to mention again I was a kid from narrow-minded family..but by chance, I got a nice sissy, she was supportive and open-minded. But I was scared that she'll tell mum and then I'll be screwed. So I kept it a secret..but after some days, my sis found out that I was talking to that guy and I was scared but she didn't tell anyone about it so I was relieved. But she started taunting me for that if I sit alone in a room she was used to sitting behind me..and I know I did wrong but I always felt lonely and I needed someone to talk to so after some months of this incident I did a new one and this one was horrible. I knew that in anyways I did.

I installed Snapchat and added some of my friends..but after months I was added by an unknown person..he said- hey

I blocked him for 6 7 days but I then unblocked him and replied..-hey, I know u?

he replied- I dont know..just wanted to be friends.

then I thought oh, that's good.

I replied- oh ok, let's be friends.

he said- can I have ur pic? please

I thought..why he needs my pic to be friends? but anyways I did send one.

I replied- here * pic *

then I said - can I have urs?

then guess what he sends me?

A DI*K PIC!!!

I was shocked!

I said- what's this? I meant ur face he said- but I didn't mean ur face I want to see ur pu**y

as a teenager I just started watching PO*n that time so I started sending him my n*des not my pu**y but b**bes.

he was 20 yr old and I was 13

I didn't know it.

one day he told me that if u have any questions related to s** u can ask me..and then I started asking him everything and he was explaining to me..he was a paedophile(an adult person who have an interest in kids). Every day we used to send each other n*des..and then it was gross I know so I blocked him nd stop talking to him I realized one day that im doing this is not right..so I stopped!

thats it for this one!!

hope y'll like it and subscribe if u want to!💝

THANKUH FOR READING!✨♥