Dear self, 

"How are you? 

Are you good? 

What's up? 

Everything will be alright! Don't give up, keep on fighting, you can do it. 

I WALK to the mirror inside my room, I look at the full grown woman in front of me, years have been changing her, from naive to strong independent one, life must be hard for her but she passes all those years of sadness and disappointment, life struggle makes her what she's now. 

I'm proud of you. I'm proud of myself.

I'm the main character of my own story, from my younger self  up to now, how I became. 

I'm Maureen Akiko Valmorida, 28 years old, currently working as OFW here in the Middle east. 

It's so hard to work here in  the Middle East. You need to wake up early in the morning and sleep late at night, we have no choice because our family needs us. 

Being a breadwinner in the family, having a boyfriend is my last option. For now I focus on how I can  help my family. I have 6 sisters. I'm the eldest and so I take the responsibility to help my younger sisters. I'm at a college level. I did not finish college due to financial issues, life is so hard when no one supports you. Even though I try to have a part time job, it isn't enough.  So I stop and promise to myself I will help my youngest sister so they won't be experiencing the same difficulties that I've been through. And I want to thank God above.

My family is my strength. That's why I can stand until now, without them I'm nothing but just an empty glass. I felt so much joy when I saw my parents smile and say that they are so grateful that I'm able to help them and that brings me lots of joy. 

I'M back to my senses from reminiscing about my fast. I check my phone at what time it is already past 11 in the evening. I check my emails if I have some messages from my boss saying that I need to be early tomorrow because we have a meeting for our clients, I scroll up to my photos, and my sister uploads a photo of her finally leaving home after 2 years of quarantine, she's only 5 years old I saw her pictures and she's so cute, she smiles showing her 2 teeth on the front like a little bunny oh! I miss them, I miss home, I miss my dogs, I miss my family.

I smile and turn off my phone, I turn off the light and head to sleep tomorrow will be my busy day. 

Ring Ring! 

I Reached my phone on the side of my bed. I set an alarm at 6:30 in the morning. 

Ohhhh!! It's morning already!  I slowly open my eyes and smile. 

Ohhh good morning  sunshine 🌞! 

I stand up and go to the bathroom, I wash my face and brush my teeth. 

Then I head to the  kitchen to prepare my breakfast. Just a simple toast egg and coffee. 

I rent a small room with a small kitchen and a bathroom. I'm staying here alone unlike with my other neighbours they share, privacy is very important to me and i don't like to have roommates. 

After i ate my breakfast I take quick shower and dress up, today is wash day so i don't need to wear uniform since today i have meeting with our client i dress plain  light blue long sleeves with collar i pair it with blue jeans and nude stilettos, i wear pearl earrings, gold necklace and watch, i forgot to put on makes up i just put light makeup i really don't like to put makeup but my job need it earth color eyeshadow, light blush on and rose pink lipsticks, i spray a little perfume. And I'm ready to go. 

I'm done! 

I'm ready to go. 

I headed on the  elevator and I met my neighbours. I don't know his name and I don't mind. 

Good morning he greeted and smiled.

Good morning, I replied. 

Silence came on our way until I left the elevator. 

I called a taxi and left. Finally I arrived at the office, i'm quite early so I sat at my table and reviewed my papers for the meeting today. 

Good morning maureen Nora greeted me. 

Morning Nora, I responded. 

By the way, the boss told me that when I see you here already he told me that to tell you you need to go to his office. I heard you have a meeting right? I saw your client is there already. She said, 

Ok, thank you Nora, I answer. 

I headed to my boss's office and we discussed the new furniture that my customers needed. 

Time passed  fast and it was time for me to go home. My boss invited all of us to have dinner but I refused saying that I won't be attending because I have headache I need rest but in reality i don't like gatherings. 

I get a taxi, and went home. I felt so drain that i fall asleep when I lay down on bed.

     Today is my day off, I don't have any  plans to leave my bed. I looked at the ceiling and I released a deep breath. It was like yesterday, when I was still a kid and not an adult.

I really don't have happy memories when I'm still a kid.

When I was about  9 years old,I was bullied  about my appearance saying that my nose is like a pig. Since my family is poor I received a lot of humiliation evn my own aunt looking down on us. 

I remember my auntie (my father's sister) won't allow us to play. 

Hey Maureen, who said that you're gonna play there. Go pick the woods, you're lazy!  She said

And she pinched my ears.

She looked at her son and said with a sweet voice

 "my child don't play too much, your back is so wet, come i will dry your back".

And she look at me and shout 

What are you looking at? 

I just look at my cousins one more time and head back. 

I have a lot of cousins since my father's cousins are just my neighbors so we often have gatherings and play.

But in my case I can't always play with them because I still have work to do, like get water, taking care of our cows,goats, carabao, pucks wood, doing laundry, etc.

My mom doesn't complain or side with us because if she did  my mom and auntie will end up arguing.

My life continues to be like that. I don't know why my aunt hates us like that.We didn't do anything to them.

 I admit that it hurts me. I told my mom one night.

Ma! My voice trembling: why does auntie hate us? Today she pinched my ears but to her son she's so sweet. I will tell papa about this. 

No! Don't tell your papa about this because it is just trouble. You know your papa has a hot head and they will just fight.  Just don't mind it. Remember there is always karma okey. My mama told me. 

I agree with my mother that we can't tell it about my father but my father knows it already but he just don't mind it.

But one day my father came back from work and got drunk. He  asked my auntie, I heard my father shout at her like this. You don't have the right to discipline my child. I'm her father. I will be the one who disciplines them, not you. Who are you? I'm the father goddamn it. I know my child. They never know. When I'm not here you treat my child like a maid? Who are you  motherfucker? Plates shattered things flying anywhere.

I heard my auntie shout: I just disciplined your child because they have no manners. 

My father glared at her, you liar, my child is ill mannered? Are you out of your mind? My child is well mannered when you see them when they're gathering? They just sit in the corner waiting for their call, even though they are hungry. Is that ill mannered? When you scolded them, did they answer you back? No they dont! You see  god dammit that's how i raised my kids. 

And who are you to interfere? 

Why because we don't have money to give to you that's why you mistreat my child? 

Maybe when I have lots of money maybe you treat them differently huh? Pathetic.

Next time leave my child alone. 

I never expected my father to act like that. 

I thought my father didn't care about us. I cried because finally my father sided with us. I thought he would have turned a  blinded eye. 

After that my auntie called my fathers and she comforted me by saying. 

Hey! Did you tell your father about that? Or your mom? You see your  father did? Next time if your father does that I will call the police . Remember that. She glared at me. 

I don't understand why she hates me. I never do anything to her. I felt devastated with that. 

It's so hard to know about my own relatives hating us.

One afternoon I saw my mom, asking for some cup of hot water, my mom said, 

Bey  can I ask for a cup of hot water, because I'm not feeling well. My mother say 

What even a glass of hot water you can't make? She shouted at my mother. 

My mother was shocked about it. She only asked for one glass (we don't have a stove, we only use wood for cooking).

My mom answered with a trembling voice. 

I'm just asking for hot water in a cup, I'm not asking for a big amount. 

Why do you shout at me? If you don't like to give so don't, just tell me in a nice way. You can have it back. 

My mother threw the cup in front of them, she turned her back and cried back home.

Seeing how they treat us, especially my mom, is so painful,I cried together with my mom.I told her that 

mom don't worry and don't be sad. God saw everything. He will punish them.

 I hugged my mom hoping that I could comfort her. 

I was determined that when I grow up I will do everything to make my mother's life comfortable.

Remembering this makes my eyes grow in tears. 

Seeing my mother  smiling now makes me happy, every salary I give to her makes me happy. 

……….

NOTED

I WILL MAKE A SEPARATED CHAPTER ABOUT MY FATHER. 

 AND ALSO MY LOVE LIFE'S FAILURE AND HOW IT MAKES ME CHANGE. 

MY DEPRESSION AND HOW I MANAGE IT. 

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME TO WRITE A NOVEL BASED ON MY OWN STORY. HOPE YOU WILL LOVE THIS. 

The way sadness works is one of the strange riddles of the world. If you are stricken with a great sadness, you may feel as if you have been set aflame, not only because of the enormous pain but also because your sadness may spread over your life, like smoke from an enormous fire.

Wow! It has been 2 years that I stop writing these!

How are you readers? I'm sorry that's it takes so long to update this page! Life is quite busy lately,

when you reach 30 you have a lot of priorities and responsible, my life is up and down lately, I cant barely manage and survive, i hope every one is good, I think I have a lot a story to tell to everyone.

I love writing when i felt sad, and no one can talk too. And also things not all so bad, theres a sadness aswell.

When I turn 28 I met a man I prayed for, we've 2 years now, happy and content, and also I already have a Job, and need to pay bills and all.

I will try to update from time to time and fucos on these, and i will write a good story, just like before please support me.