It's not I don't want to be happy..

It's that despite trying hard I can't bring myself to be happy....

I fell suffocated...

Embarrassed.... Ashamed... Useless... Annoyed.. Irritated... and don't know what not ....

But all I tell you is 'I'm just tired,'...leaving all those feelings unsaid, hidden deep within the chambers of my heart......

Everytime I end up with the question

'why me?? ..

Why did I have to be like this??.... '

I have a great family ...

Amazing friends...

Better academics....

On paper,, everything is good...

Yet all I ever seem to see is darkness n grey....

It's like I have a burden on me...

Something keeps pulling me to the ground...

and no matter how hard I try..., I end up falling into the same pit... but everytime into a still deeper abyss.. with no way to return, carrying thousands of added emotions, of course the bitter ones.....

I can't bring myself to care about anything....

not me,

not him...,

not her...

Living has become a constant nightmare...

And it's not just fair....

People will tell me to do yoga,

go for a walk...,

listen to meditation...,

But I tell them this cannot be solved by exercise or meditation,

It's a disease that affects every aspect of my life.....

my work, my relationship, my education,,,..

And to this day...

despite my efforts, I'm always met with blind hesitations.....

People ask me 'Are you ok?? Why do you always look sad ???'

I tell them 'I don't know ',

cuz I really don't know.....

What I do know is I wake up every morning feeling like absolute shit....

All I feel is lonely n empty inside despite being surrounded ...

All I hear is my own screams of despair and my desperate rantings to escape.....

And it's become my norm.. .

Guess why I don't tell you this.....

Cuz I'm afraid... Afraid of being judged....

Afraid to be cornered as sick and retard just because of this undeniable feelings... For something that I can't control...

Do you think I like to watch myself drown ..

Into this hole of self hate, shame and loathe...

Hell no...!!

I don't want to feel pathetic either......

N neither do I want to call myself ugly...

nor do I wanna be sad without any reason....

So I hide them

I put up a wall...

That's so high..

You will never see my pain or any of my flaws ..

I create this character...

and she is perfect

She is invincible ...

U will only see what I show you...,not the shattered pieces of shard,which I actually am.......

And so I carry on live these two lives.....

one for public...,

one for just me late at at nights....

Cuz that's easier than admitting you have a problem....

And that's the problem.....

The stigma is real people....

and it will not go away until you realise..

that mental health IS a big deal....

It's a hidden disease that affects many lives...

So.., wake up people....

Wake up and listen to the silent cries.....

It's a kid that never speaks....

Or a man who's always tired.....,

A woman who's too emotional...

or a guy who just got fired....

Cuz he was absent a lot

he couldn't get himself out of bed due to his mental health...

but do you think his colleagues knew it??...

Of course not......

Depression is the hell inside of me...

and it eats me up daily......

Note:It's not mine completely....,I had read it long before... n wanted to write on it...so I changed a few n added my lines....