Silent Cries
Silence itself is a storm....
It's not I don't want to be happy..
It's that despite trying hard I can't bring myself to be happy....
I fell suffocated...
Embarrassed.... Ashamed... Useless... Annoyed.. Irritated... and don't know what not ....
But all I tell you is 'I'm just tired,'...leaving all those feelings unsaid, hidden deep within the chambers of my heart......
Everytime I end up with the question
'why me?? ..
Why did I have to be like this??.... '
I have a great family ...
Amazing friends...
Better academics....
On paper,, everything is good...
Yet all I ever seem to see is darkness and grey....
It's like I have a burden on me...
Something keeps pulling me to the ground...
and no matter how hard I try..., I end up falling into the same pit... but everytime into a still deeper abyss.. with no way to return, carrying thousands of added emotions, of course the bitter ones.....
I can't bring myself to care about anything....
not me,
not him...,
not her...
Living has become a constant nightmare...
And it's just not fair....
People will tell me to do yoga,
go for a walk...,
listen to meditation...,
But I tell them this cannot be solved by exercise or meditation,
It's a disease that affects every aspect of my life.....
my work, my relationship, my education,,,..
And to this day...
despite my efforts, I'm always met with blind hesitations.....
People ask me 'Are you ok?? Why do you always look sad ???'
I tell them 'I don't know ',
cuz I really don't know.....
What I do know is I wake up every morning feeling like absolute shit....
All I feel is lonely n empty inside despite being surrounded ...
All I hear is my own screams of despair and my desperate rantings to escape.....
And it's become my norm.. .
Guess why I don't tell you this.....
Cuz I'm afraid... Afraid of being judged....
Afraid to be cornered as sick n retard just because of this undeniable feelings... For something that I can't control...
Do you think I like to watch myself drown ..
Into this hole of self hate, shame and loathe...
Hell no...!!
I don't want to feel pathetic either......
And neither do I want to call myself ugly...
nor do I wanna be sad without any reason....
So I hide them
I put up a wall...
That's so high..
You will never see my pain or any of my flaws ..
I create this character...
and she is perfect
She is invincible ...
U will only see what I show you...,not the shattered pieces of shard,which I actually am.......
And so I carry on live these two lives.....
one for public...,
one for just me late at at nights....
Cuz that's easier than admitting you have a problem....
And that's the problem.....
The stigma is real people....
and it will not go away until you realise..
that mental health IS a big deal....
It's a hidden disease that affects many lives...
So.., wake up people....
Wake up and listen to the silent cries.....
It's a kid that never speaks....
Or a man who's always tired.....,
A woman who's too emotional...
or a guy who just got fired....
Cuz he was absent a lot
he couldn't get himself out of bed due 2 his mental health...
but do you think his colleagues knew it??...
Depression is the hell inside of me...
and it eats me up daily......
Miss lost
This is not completely mine...
I had read it long ago.., n wanted to write on it ....
so yeah I changed a little and added my lines....
Miss lost
there's a novel on the same....
n the content is same too....
if possible give a like to it too... obviously including this one....
if u like n agree...
Miss lost
Also.... I would have written short forms instead of complete words out of habit... please don't mind it...
n - and
2 - to...
Miss lost
Also about the genre tag.. I selected mystery cuz it was the nearest one to the content..., n I couldn't just proceed further if not selected one.... so yeah....
N I selected it because...
2 me it's a mystery that I don't know y I'm moody, upset n sad most of the time....
whose fault is to Trust ???
How many times it has been so far.....
I didn't keep a count....
it's become my routine now anyways.....
Iam a human..., so it's natural to feel jealous....right??
I do.... I do feel it... that d*rn stupid emotion....just shows up out of no where everytime.... it never forgets to leave it's lasting presence.....
She tells me........everything... or atleast is what she said me.....
She said me she'll be with me... always....
cuz I thought she's my friend.... and maybe just as said, it's only my thought....
Let's do together everything...she said....
But didn't do anything..... maybe didn't find time....
Then.... the... crucial moment showed up..... earlier than expected....
this time too. .. she said let's just do it together....,expecting luck to help us.....
I agreed..., I didn't have any choice either... I didn't do anything all the time!! what else I could do???
Finally, the time of outcome.... I knew it would be bad... but it's ok.... I'll have her with me.... I thought.....
but I was wrong.... I see her..... with flying colors..., while myself being stuck behind.....
She's laughing and happy..... even now that picture is imprinted.... and is always on my mind....
But me....???
She came to me and said.....
"I just turned out to be lucky!!".....
She asked me... "Are you happy for me??"
I was baffled .....I couldn't answer....
I don't know if she was ever honest with me... but that was the first time I couldn't be honest with her....
I said "Indeed!!, congrats"....
Although my mouth left sweet words... I felt bitter at heart.....
I felt jealous..... anger.... betrayed
..and frustrated inside ........,after all these were those tiny little feelings of happiness.... for her....
if had to be quantified.....
maybe 89% percent of me felt bitter..., and only 11% felt happy....
yet I put up a fake sweet smile....
I was angry...... on her.. but more on myself....
But more than everything.....,I was embarrassed for feeling envious... that too on my own friend......that guilt was killing me......
I was constantly wondering.. how bad I have been to have gotten that feeling...., that rotten jealousy.....
All these led to only one conclusion.... that it was me who believed her words.....
But, ......I realized what she had said.........maybe not everything.....
maybe she couldn't say everything.........
Then I thought..... why should she tell me everything???..... she don't have to...!!!
So, I decided not to just expect everything to be true....., and that It's my fault to just believe everything on my own....
She again told me everything ......again,... is what she said......
She didn't ask me to trust her.....
But her words were convincing .....and felt true..... I couldn't help.... I just couldn't..... those eyes and her tone....
I did it again.... 'trust' ,that fragile thing....,it broke again.....
It was my decision again....
Now I'm standing infront of mirror.... telling myself
you'll live...just because I don't wanna die.....
but these stupid tears just won't stop......
Thank goodness!!! nobody is here.....
And I'll continue to keep it that way.....
I'll not show you... my worst.....
I'll hide it within myself.....
Cuz I feel safe doing that..... rather then answering those questions...., for which even I don't know the answer... !!!!
maybe if one day I find those answers... I'll tell you.....
or maybe will just brush it off...deeming it not important......
until then I just wish to be alive.....
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