well today is sunny day , of March

my name is asha and I am attending school after COVID days was over . on first day when I got in my school bus only few people were there including my friend Jenny . I felt sleepy but a sudden voice call me , as I open my eyes I was Xavier my first and only guy-friend for now, I don't know why but I smiled just seeing his face and hearing his voice , he was very funny and friendly it felt like he knows everyone in this I kind of Envy him . just after 1sec he start talking continue , I kind of don't like talkive people but why I always slime and laugh whenever he speak ugh.....

I hate this . but something always bug me that we always talk and act friendly in bus but in school why do we alway ignore each other like one time I was going across the hallway and I see Xavier he was with his friends but he completely ignored me but that's ok cuz I didn't also look at his way

are we embarassed to talk in front of other??

this question bug me but I actually want to talk with him every where we see each other , I guess I am the only one who think this way...when we're heading home in our bus a new girl name angle came , at first I like her I mean I do like her now but..it feel like Jenny and angel are bestie and I am the thrid wheel . one time our bus teacher told that 3 person can't seat on 1 seat so Jenny and angel quickly look at me , I knew that I am THAT friends now , so let me tell you how we seat In our bus

...me, Jenny, angle on 1 seat and Xavier and his friend jack in front of us . so when angel came...

I started feeling like I am being left out it not like that she not nice to me , she is very nice , beautiful and also got that attractive personality that I Envy but things were ok between , after sometime they start taking me in their group and I felt that I am not that extra friend anymore but whenever anyone has to leave only I have to sacrifice but that's ok I am used to it.............

one day we're talking and Xavier start mentioning girls he asked jack if in his class their was beautiful girls like angel or monster like asha.

my heart stop I know that he was just saying this as a joke but ...I felt so sad and jealous of angel , I asked myself " Xavier think that angel is beautiful but I am not ...WHY , I am UGLY ?? " . then suddenly I heard Xavier laughing and telling me that it was joke , I acted tough and just laugh along to keep my cool but I was little hurt to be honest....

ok guys sorry this is very short like me but I promise that next ep will be long with some Xavier and asha That😏 moment .so bye for now ...

so today me and Xavier we're alone in bus our other friends were out hanging out with other and ofc Xavier can't keep his mouth shut and start talking he said " ugh this teacher is more dangerous than hitler " I laughed and said " well same goes to me " , he frown and lean Toward and said " what? why is your voice so low? " . oh god my heart can't take that i just chuckle but i know that for rest of my life I will speak hella low, I don't like to express my shy or blushing kind of feeling so whenever this kind of things happen I just giggle or make a disgusting face so that other person won't get a hint cuz I am very insecure like if Xavier confess so what why will he?there are so many girls more beautiful, cute, smart and more better than me just because of this feeling I keep my feelings and heart close but nowadays I am becoming more and more comfortable with Xavier and when I see him I don't feel like I am going to expose or shy

why........?

are my feelings are erasing ...... I keep thinking am I not attractive to Xavier anymore or am I? .

I look at my phone and googled " why am I not attractive to someone I like? "I keep scrolling but then I see a kind of answer , that say " if you are more talking to other boys regular then maybe your brain think that talking and having a friendly touch with opposite sex is common and ok, so that person you think is special cuz he is the only opposite gender person you know ". I put down my phone and think for a minute, I think since the school started I keep being touch with more and more boys, I thought that my feelings were not real they were just a attraction like I had for my childhood crush " lucas " he was very like Xavier but more handsome , but he was just not right for me with this kind of thought I drift to sleep. next day when bus arrived I keep my cool and were determined to confirm my feelings for Xavier. I greet Jenny and angel and when I was going to greet Xavier and jack Xavier suddenly asked "do Lisa is in your class". I frown and replies " a-ah uea why? " . Xavier said " oh nothing " then jack smirks and said " he had crush on Lisa " . I can't think straight I feel hopeless sad and angry but as before I hide my feelings my personal feelings and gave Xavier a smirk face and tease him a little. when I got home I still act like I'm fine but at night I got on rooftop and looked at the beautiful moon I didn't notice that tears are falling from my eyes, then I finally cried and cried.......

WHY does it has to be Lisa

WHY does everyone love only Lisa like my old crush.

WHY I can't be her..

WHY am I like myself

WHY..... why..

with these kind of thought I go back to my bedroom and with tears I drift into sleep.

day after that Xavier just kept talking bout Lisa everyday Lisa Lisa and Lisa but my heart hurts evey time I hear her name . "I think I still like Xavier " I say to myself. it been a tough week but Why am I not sad now after hearing Lisa name

am I supposed to be happy?

then why I feel Iike it's not ok to be Arttactive to him

why it felt like I am betraying him like lucas did .

in no time school was over I was finding my bus then suddenly someone pull me back It was Xavier he chuckle " cute.. " I thought then he lead me to bus, while we were in bus talking I noticed he always lean towards me , I felt that if I kept Xavier in my mind then I can like him again? but no matter how much I see at him I can't feel that feeling that I had . after that I started seeing Xavier just as friend and got comfortable with him and no awareness was there

not anymore...

one day him and I were fighting why? ofc ccuz he was taking my bag oh god why Can't he understand my bag has things I can't show him, but then he slip....

be was all top of me , that why ok with him but Xavier was looking like......

he was SHY?? I was shocked to see his shy and cute face for first time but suddenly someone kicked his butt and pull Xavier away from me. I stand up and see lucas... and Xavier fight but my focus was on lucas my brain just gave up on me i was confused" how can lucas came here??" then after they finish fighting they look at me, Xavier apologize but my eyes were stuck at lucas eyes then after few sec I finally look at Xavier and start chatting with him and trying to avoid lucas

I mean he was staring at me and ofc he was my first crush and first person to broke my heart then Xavier explain that lucas was his brother and going to be in this school. my heart was going to pop out I again look at lucas but he was already staring at me i quick turn back and slime shying and I can feel lucas smirking after bus was about to leave Jenny , angel and jack came sit down but angel was little bit different and Jenny was teasing her, I ask them " so did something happen? " then Jenny suddenly shouted " angel 's crush ask her out!! " " wait REALLY that's... spicy " I said angel playfully hit me with elbow, m e and Jenny laughed.

' it felt good to be group ' then I can see jack face being sad I understand the situation and change topic fast but changing topic hit me back as Xavier asked " so kimi whose your crush? " I silme

" I love.. " has this is asha (sorry for bothering) 👇

I say these word lucas stand up and say "she was boyfriend " and cross his arm my friend was confused but more excited and keep asking me question but ofc my brain AGAIN gave up but the I look at Xavier he was looking sad and hurt I can't process movement that time but suddenly lucas lean on my ear and say "just say yes for now I will explain later okay " I look at lucas he has serious face and Idk but I just trust him and make some excuse when my stop came , I got out the bus and look at Xavier just for one time

he was was looking like he was ' broken '

...next I was late so I just take public bus and after school I was going inside bus but lucas pull me and request for a chance for him to explain. I just nodded and go to ground . he start explain that, he actually scared to tell from the beginning and he also like me and denied my feelings but now he can no longer hide and run away from this feelings'...

I just stares at him blankly trying to say something uttar then lucas suddenly started leaning towards me and to South like he was going to kiss me but then suddenly Xavier suddenly pull me away and take me to bus and just sit there silently like he was mad at me, lucas also came and was going to sit next to me but Xavier tell him that Jenny and angel is going to sit here like he was saying lucas to back off then again it like other time laughing, telling dirty jokes, fighting, but my mind was on lucas I can't just ignore what just happened like Xavier then angel asked me if I am okay cuz I was spacing out. then Xavier look at me first time after that incident but he look was complicated I can't describe how and why he was looking like that but I feel guilty but then he just look away and start chatting again I felt annoyed but then again I can't do anything I can't just can't....... then lucas stop came but before he got out he gave me a sweet smile and wave at me, I also slime but Xavier just hit the bus wall hard like he was hella angry now... I look at my friend they just sign that they don't know

" he was jealous?? " I thought for sec but then again he had crush on Lisa not me then again one more thought make in my maind that both brother like girl name Lisa, I chuckle to see how much they had in common then my stop also came . me and Jenny had same stop so she kept chatting but I was silent and was blushing thinking about what happened.