'sometimes doing your best is never enough

'A sentence that stuck with me my whole life

Whether i was happy,sad,angry, disappointed.

I've been shattered for so many times

Yet i kept trying and trying to do my best

And as expected it was never enough.

I slowly lost hope, with the thought of maybe something, someone will help me get up from this hell.

From time to time i lay down on this bed of mime thinking what really is the purpose of this..

I would like to be cared for too, i would want to be cared for too i truly would.

But I'm headed straight to the place i didn't expect..

Is anything really worth it?

Does anything really matter?

Why? Why? Why do i exist to suffer!?

I'm starting to crack, pieces of me that was always besides me is now so far away that i can't reach it

I really hoped that living this life of my mine helped someone..

For i, don't know what's the purpose of doing so..'

The thoughts that came flashing by, the memories that seems that she had forgotten has come back.

Even the last word she wish to speak seems to not escape her mouth, that even in her last breath she could not catch a break.

Her who lived,her who died simply wishes to be someone

Who could live with meaning .

She was given the name

Valerie achlys

A girl who was born out of wedlock from another woman, but loved by the people who she deemed 'father' and 'mother'

And the siblings who seems to loved her than anyone.

A child who was loved, but felt she was not.

At a young age Valerie always thought she was someone who's supposed to sit, listen and shouldn't talk

Her parents always thought she was a very mannered girl.

What they don't know is she's slowly breaking inside

The feeling of knowing that she is not truly apart of the family but a illegitimate child.

She felt loved, but did not think that she deserves it.

As she got older, she gained more responsibility

She got more anxious as she felt the need to be perfect at all times.

A child who's always treated well doesn't always have the perfect life, it doesn't always mean that they are a 'fortunate' child.

For they have feelings that everyone could have.

At the age of 23 she left the house and started to work independently.

She got the job she wants,she got the apartment she wants.

Nevertheless life never goes the way you want it to be,

After a few years everything started to fall apart

The apartment she called her home was taken away from her,the job she worked hard for was taken from her.

And the world moved on as if she didn't exist.

It's not a good feeling, as if nothing happened as if they didn't know her for years.

Those were the days where she felt the most vulnerable, the days where she felt hopelessness

"15 years was it, so 15 years of my life was for nothing"

Words that seems to not cross her mind before starts to appear.

she had no place to go anymore, for once again she stands alone.

With no one to call or rely on.

At 38 she never pondered that she would think about such things like 'suicide'

'if only i had thought of being gone a lot earlier '

With such thoughts, Valerie didn't hesitate to do so

Holding that thought of death, she called her parents

And catched up with them, she give voice to her last words

"Mom,dad you know that.. I'm really really really really really thankful for the kindness and love you gave me

Thank you, thank you so much for being with me till the end"

It wasn't a plan for her to say something so heartfelt but it was the last call, the last time she would hear her parents voice, her siblings who still adores her.

"Oh dear you, we love you with our whole heart we're too old for this already, remember to come back tomorrow"

With a teary eye, a shaky voice she replied

"Yes mother, i love you"

6/23/2018 *18:00* *marinton bridge*

"I'm headed straight for the floor~"

She sang quietly while looking down, holding tightly at the railings"

"The water looks nice.., i really hoped that living this life of my mine helped someone.."

She said

With her words uttered

She let go of her hands from the railings

Valerie achlys reinchder died at June 23 the day she was born

She simply thought

"The day i was born will be the day i die"

.....................