I rolled on to the other side of my bed staring blankly at my screen, phone in cramped hand. ‘It’s 6pm already?!’

Another day wasted.

Not like it was anything new the past 3 years. I was laying around in bed all day filling my mind with anything but my own self destructive thoughts. I scrolled through every single social media app I had in my cracked iPhone 7plus. Watching reels, Snapchat stories, YouTube videos, anything anywhere away from my mind. Anywhere away from the toxic thoughts, the pain, the ache in my heart anything to forget reality. And weirdly I found comfort in true crime documentaries

Is that weird? It’s normal right? Yeah it is

I spent the night crying over an inconvenience and to most it was a minor one, but it’s deeper than this.

To a stranger’s eye it may look like a bratty girl who kept posting her frustrations on social media but it stemmed from her past.

I’m not going to cry this year or show any emotion or be vulnerable I told myself months earlier.

So I didn’t, I didn’t trust anyone or open up enough to anyone for them to know that I was really struggling on my own. I had no outlet. I had no close friend. I had myself.

No cutting anymore, no overdosing anymore, no telling anyone anymore and definitely no crying anymore. This was a mantra I told myself everyday. I needed to get my life in order, I’ll be 20 soon.

I thought I’d tell Truce, my ex, well it’s really complicated about it but I couldn’t, I just couldn’t tell anyone. So I cried, not a lot though but I did cry.

I was angry, I was sad, I was lonely, I was frustrated, I was tired…. In all honesty I still am all those things. And I wanted someone I could run to. I didn’t have that person.

Truce said I could rely on him and that no matter what he’d be there but he let me down many times before in that regard. I agreed with what he said and promised I would tell him.

But I stay silent

****

I was supposed to go to school today, I had a class at 2 pm and could only catch a ride with mom in the morning. I groaned in pain as my alarm went off. Fluttering my eyes open, I remembered the events of yesterday that led to my immune system glitching this morning.

A failed operation for an ingrown toenail and getting drenched in the rain.

Yes, very very random.

Lu and I were getting open shoes for my little procedure in the city’s most busy shopping area when cyclone Freddy decided to pay us a visit.

In the moment as we ran back to her room in school it was fun, something I fondly remembered doing as a kid crossed my mind, the large rain drops in their numerous numbers pelting onto my skin and the sweet smell of the moist earth . Lu and I ran hand in hand laughing like children. We probably did look like kids given we were both just over five feet.

This is fun! In those few minutes, I was happy. In those few minutes Lu felt like a best friend I’d shared everything with my whole life.

Mom waited in the school’s parking lot for me to get this disgusting ingrown removed at a nearby private hospital . I quickly grabbed my things from Lu’s room and dashed outside to face heavy uncle Freddy again. Water was dripping down from the locs in my hair to my spine and down my large forehead into my even bigger eyes and then I felt the burn. I quickly grabbed my phone and dialed her number and asked her to meet me near the exit. Ironically 3 red cars had passed and none of them were her Subaru. All I could do was stand like a deer caught in headlights and ignore the increasing burning sensation in my eyes. After what felt like an eternity, the fourth red car approached and it was mom. I hugged Lu goodbye and shakily hoped in the car. About 3 seconds after settling down, my allergies flared up, I glanced up at the passengers mirror and my eyes were turning red, my skin itched horribly and my sinuses were burning. ‘It’s okay, you’re on your way to the hospital and you have and operation to think about.’ I told myself. Little did I know a frustrating health system would mean I’d leave the hospital still with the ingrown after waiting an agonising 7 hours.

When we got to the hospital I had to change out of the wet clothes into a wrapper(African tradition print fabric sizeable enough to cover the body around). I was ready but the hospital wasn’t and when we left at 8, all I could feel apart from my allergies was anger. Second time this week.

“Solange, it’s just the system, stop scowling.” Mom beckoned. That statement only made me angrier. The car ride home was silent. My eyes studied the city lights and the randomly placed fuelling stations, my mind just wondered what if everything went okay today. Only feeling worse, I pulled out my phone and posted more on my WhatsApp status. I posted how much I hated the system and how much I wish I had someone to vent to

How desperate of you Solange

Thats why no one wants you

That’s why Truce won’t get back with you

That’s why you don’t have a best friend

That’s why you lost everything

That’s why people use you

That’s why you won’t get better

That’s why you’re alone

That’s why your mom doesn’t love you

That’s why you got bullied

That’s why you’re a nobody

That’s why you lost yourself

You’ll always be that helpless girl no one will ever love

My train of thought spiralled down so quickly and that’s how it was most days. My own brain bullying me, wondering if there was any truth to this. But it didn’t matter, I quit therapy and I needed to grow up.

Ever just look back and wonder, how did it get to this point?

Well for me it was 3 years ago.