There wasn’t a day that I didn’t wish that I was dead the moment I woke up. But today, it felt a little different, first time in the history of Ashley-going-to-school, I was told that someone would be waiting for me, well I know my weakness is that I never really received the love that I deserved, family…never cared about me, friends…something I never kept in fear of getting too close to them and losing them, so in all,I didn’t know what love really was, even the littlest of attention from someone would get my mind to think about it all day.

I guess for the first time ever I was having more than the usual amount of anxiety before school being known as the one kid in class without any friends was embarrassing enough that today, students’ attention would be all over me and Professor Alden, we aren’t dating or anything, just that he said he’ll be helping me out in work since he thinks that I am lacking behind in class, it sounds really inappropriate but I have noticed his sincerity towards his students and also that he always treats me like his own child, like bringing me snacks every now and then, asking if I was okay every time I seemed a little low to him. I am pretty good at his subject so I just think that I deserve at-least a little bit of appreciation maybe.

Ever since I shifted to my current dorm a few months ago, I have been doing so much better with my studies and mental health, I never thought I’d take a step this big in my life but suffering, getting beaten everyday, being told that I was a burden every-single-day was a lot more worse than just washing dishes, doing a part time at the internet cafe and sleeping on the floor in a one room apartment.

I didn’t think anyone would have noticed the change in my schedule, studies or anything but surprisingly, Professor Alden did. It was pretty strange at first, being called out in front of the whole class just for someone to say “you’ve been improving everyday Ashley, Proud of you!”,these words, for ME, were one of the things that i had never heard from anyone.

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I got up from the mattress on the floor after starring at the ceiling for I don’t know how long just planning my day out, knowing damn well it was not going to go as planned but…habits, can’t help.

I finally got ready for school, wearing a a black t-shirt which was double my size and jeans, since it was the only outfit I could make out of the washed clothes.

There was still an hour for the school gates to open so,I had around fifteen minutes to pack my lunch, have my anxiety meds, gather my thoughts and leave. Since I can’t own a car and refuse to spend money on transportation, I would just walk to my school, it was a good exercise and would wake me up if I felt sleepy before school and in all it kept me fit.

I reached school just in time for the first unit, which was Professor Alden’s, one thing I never understood was why we were supposed to call Professor Alden ‘professor’ and not Mr. just like every other teacher, but he said he just liked it that way, so I never really brought the topic up again.

I attended the class just like usual except for the fact that I couldn’t help notice how Prof.Alden kept starring at me every five minutes, it was a little odd, it seemed like he had something to say or maybe something like that since i am not good at reading people’s faces. I participated as usual and the class ended.

Since the class door was right next to the teachers’ desk, I stopped right by the door while people gave me strange looks as if I was about to commit a crime or something, everyone, ok maybe not everyone but majority of people, that I knew the names of, were starring at me walking out. Since I always kept my distance from people, no one said a word, it was just cold stares, I ignored them just as if their eyes said nothing.

Professor Alden got done cleaning his desk and picking up his notes and keeping them aside. He pointed his hand towards the desk right in front of his, telling me to have a seat, he asked me where I was having problems and helped me.

I never had any difficulty in philosophy since it was always like a piece of cake for me but this one theory was a little too complicated for me. Professor Alden explained it to me twice and it felt like I was dumb for a second because it seemed so easy when he explained it.

“Got it?” He asked, I was still lost in my thoughts as to how was I not able to understand such an easy thing. Lost in my thoughts I did not realise that a man in his mid thirties was towering over me. Professor Alden had quite a built body as if he was a gym rat, but I never found myself attracted to a man’s body, for some reason, I just found it absurd as to how someone could fall for a complete stranger just because of their body.

His palms rested at either sides of my desk while he leaned a little towards me asking if I was ‘really okay’, emphasizing on the okay, I hummed in response after which he sighed and came to sit on the chair next to me. He turned to face me, the chair he was sitting on was just a few inches away from mine, we exchanged a stare which felt strangely inappropriate as I could see his eyes examining my body as if they were looking for something. With thoughts of all kinds running through my mind, the first words that came out of my mouth were “Yes?”, he looked straight into my eyes and said “Ashley, I know, it must be hard for you…”, my expression changed, as I had no idea what he was talking about. His hands, which were up till now holding each other, fell apart and he looked up at me again, “The admin told me that you have been on medications…”, how in the world would anyone know that, oh wait, my prescription paper, which got lost somewhere must have been it, I was actually speechless at the revelation that the schools staff members knew that I am on meds and I just knew how different they were going to treat me now, my medication was to avoid my anxiety since it was hard for me to focus on anything because of home. I forgot about my surroundings for a hot second until I was brought back to reality with a hand going around my back, to my shoulder and then my waist, alarming me to get up but somehow, I was unable to get up.

That’s when I realised what went wrong, this was the worst time to have my anxiety pills to stop working, we had a double unit with Professor Alden and after the extra class, it was time for me to have my meds since they stop working on me after a certain period of time since my body got used to them.

“I can help you..”

“I will give you all the love you deserve”

“I promise, I would never hurt you”

His words made my stomach twist, with anxiety kicking in, having nausea, and the only person in school that you trusted sitting beside me offering a relationship…, it was too much, I was in the state of shock, my eyes got teared up, since I never expected Professor Alden to be like this.

I put in all my strength to stand up, I had the sudden urge to slap Alden Corsen right across the face but I knew that I didn’t have energy for that, so I tried my best to run out of the class, Alden on the other hand starred at the ground, thankfully not noticing me almost falling on my way out, since I knew really well that he would get up and try to help me, and that would have been an even worst situation .

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I got out of the classroom, panting, my eyes were blurry from all the tears in them, I felt like someone had held my heart in their hands and pressed it hard, I could not breathe, I knew that I had to leave the building as soon as possible as I could feel that I was about to faint, my emergency contacts only had fake numbers and since I was here with the help of a funding programme, my parents never cared about my school, and I also didn’t want anyone to help me up or take me to the hospital, thus fainting episode wasn’t really new for me as it had happened once before too, when my father came home so angry about his deal not getting signed that he beat me up just because there was no milk at home for his night tea, that day, I went to my room, vomited and fainted on the side of my bed, I just woke up the next morning by myself with a headache and nausea, so.. this wasn’t new.

I somehow managed to get out of the building, walking home with my head down, holding my stomach hoping that my nausea would stop now, my headache kept getting worst.

After I had walked for at least 35 minutes, i finally sat down against the wall of I din’t know what. I looked up trying to get some air in my lungs, constantly rubbing my chest in order to calm myself down, I hadn’t yet stopped crying since his hands felt like they had left an imprint on my body, after just 2 minutes, I realised that the place wasn’t safe and was a liquor store’s front with men here and there, totally drunk with hungry looks.

The day couldn’t have gotten any worst, there was man nearly fifty, obviously drunk, coming towards me, I immediately got up, ignoring my dizziness, planning on how to run away from him since he didn’t look like he was going to spare letting me go, he wore a red t-shirt which was all torn, since my vision was blurry, I couldn’t really see his face, the worst thing was that today, out of all days, I forgot my meds at home, so there was absolutely no way I could have gotten out of the situation.

For some reason, I could only remember my dad at that moment, the nights he would beat me up drunk, the pain rushed through my body as if I wasn’t already in pain. My hands went up to my face in order to save myself from getting beaten again, I rolled up like a ball standing with one leg in the air halfway to my stomach as I turned to my right hand resting against the wall, eyes squinting as if I knew that he was coming to hit me, the back-flashes, the pain, the heartache, the shortness of breathe, all kicking in together even harder than before. “Hey!”, someone yelled in a distance, the man stopped and looked to his right from where the shout came from, the street was small with a few people walking around but no-one cared stopping him, the shout wasn’t for this drunk man about to hit an eighteen year old, it was from another drunk man, he was pointing towards me and then pointed towards himself, as if he was saying that I belonged to him.

The man who was coming towards me was for once distracted, I immediately started running towards home, looking back I saw him coming towards me, darkness taking over my eyes, I turned my head back towards the front just to find myself bump into another man. I fell into his arms, it felt so comforting, his soft cotton t-shirt with a coffee coloured coat, I have no idea what happened next, I heard him shout ‘stay..” and then he said something just when my brain went blank and everything went black.