I had my recent panic attack. I had difficulty in breathing and I was all cold and crying because that's one of my first and foremost reactions to everything and It felt like my brain wasn't getting enough oxygen. It was scary, I was all blank but I was all fine after crying for 25 mins.

I didn't know it was a panic attack until my therapist told me so. I had this feeling after a hug from one of my old classmates. It wasn't the first time I've been hugged. As a matter of fact, I love hugs, it's just that I rarely hug people and I don't remember when was the last time I hugged someone.

So.... My therapist told me it is one of my Symptoms of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). As the name states, it's the after-effect of a trauma. Now which one are we talking about? I haven't had any recent trauma. I mean I do have a traumatic life altogether but nothing specific. And here my therapist wants me to find out which one of them it is so that it can be cured accordingly.

I told him it was too much effort for this little brain of mine and he just started at me.

So my task is to reel back into my own past to pinpoint the trauma due to which I flinch at the slightest sudden touches. Nothing exaggerated. I do shake hands with people. But if I'm not prepared for it I flinch.

My therapist is a funny person, I don't doubt his ability but he has forced me to be his patient. I mean I didn't even know I wanted therapy. It's just that one fine day, I was talking to this person and he started pointing out things that are supposed to be abnormal.

I sometimes think he just uses his degree to make me feel bad about my life.

He calls my uneasiness of talking to people a social anxiety disorder (SAD - it does make me sad). I laughed at him and again he just stared at me. This person gets his point validated with just a stare. He doesn't even have to talk.

So this social anxiety disorder is all about fear or not being comfortable with talking to strangers. Does this thing have a name? And it is a medical condition? I didn't need this information.

So starting from my social anxiety disorder this person has reached my PTSD. His ABCDs are going to suck the last bit of hope from my life.

With lots of peeping in the past and peeks into the doors that I have shut forever, I landed at the doorstep of one such event which was locked as soon as it had happened and locked forever.

And I had forgotten it with time. I never looked back at it, like it never happened at all. But my Disorders analyst blamed it on this incident.

Great!

Now I'll have to think about it.

Doesn't he get the point when I stress that it was locked instantly and forever means I never want to look back at it?

Long, long - not very long ago, I started college. With zero self-esteem and zero social skills, I was out there to explore the world, the world that's considered harsh competitive, and cruel. In a world where everything is about showoffs and standards. Where you are judged on your standard of living, the brand of clothes you wear, and the model of your phone, how do you fit in when you have not even seen the world?

FOMO if you might know, is the fear of missing out. My concern wasn't missing out though but I could never relate to anything people ever talked about. Do I sound like a geek? I am not. No straight 'A's. No teacher's pet. Neither been an introvert as well. But after coming here, it has been difficult to talk to people.

So my only way to fit in was people pleasing. I wasn't a Top-A student but I could still prepare notes for others. Make their graphs and records so that they could let me be a part of their cool group.

Over time I have now realized that people pleasing was a psychological effect on me. I needed validation from people, their acceptance meant a lot for my existence and I could get that only by being extremely nice to them.

I know helping others is not something bad, but at the expense of one's mental health is not what is right. Help at your own will not so that people would like you. And in my case, I always felt worthless and these little thankyous from people made me feel good about myself. You are worthy even if people do not like you. Burning yourself to keep anyone else warm is not healthy.

"If you care about what others think about you then you will always be their prisoner " - Lao Tzu.

I made a few friends. There was this guy called Azhar, I really liked the way he was stupid still he was my favorite pass time. We mostly spent time trying to make him pass his examinations. The only person who could tolerate him was Harris, I considered him smart only because I didn't understand most of the things he told but I still pretended to understand and be interested in it.

Harris introduced me to the world of Sitcoms and recent movies. He made sure I could be a part of the discussions about FRIENDS, the Big Bang theory, and many more. It was really difficult for me to complete them, but he kept me motivated.

We also had Javeria, she's the kind who was born to be a mother. She could literally adopt people. She cooked and I used to have breakfast at her home every morning, even though I ate at my own home.

There was this guy called Yasir, who did talk to me with the purpose of notes, then helps with exams. He was friends with Azhar and Harris.  I sympathized with him a lot. Being the eldest son of a family of 6 people he did show that he had too many responsibilities and he could hardly make time for studies.

During one of our internals, Azhar was very confident with all the experiments. After entering the lab we were assigned our experiments we all got busy finishing the exams. I saw Azhar writing with all his focus. 20 mins into the exam he was all blank. My professor asked me to coordinate with him as he has seen me helping him during his usual classes.

I asked him what happened to which he replied "I know the theory and I have written it all".

"Great! Now do as it says in theory" I replied.

"I don't know what all this means", he replied.

For a minute I didn't know what to say. Then I explained the special situation to my professor, he was happy that he could progress to theory at least and asked me to assist him.

He was such an entertainment that during labs he didn't know the instruments. I had to make him draw them and name them and then when we used to go back home I had to explain to him everything in Hindi then with the references of the drawings he used to remember what is happening in his book.

He was such a funny person that I was entertained for an entire day. I liked being at college all the time.

My life was peaceful at college I could say. My routine was picking up Javeria from home, heading to college, spending time with these people, and then back home.

I did not want anything more I could say.

If only things could stay this way for ever.