Some alliances mean so much to us

We love them with all we had but at some point we start hurting ourselves... Just because we can't let go ...

Funnily we don't hope for our happiness

We just think that "if they move on in life and find love of their life we'll be free ... We won't be indebted to our own feelings anymore..."

How silly

We just think of another escape so that we Don't have move on , do we don't have any face the reality of broken heart...

I don't love you anymore but i still want you to be happy...

...I don't know why......

but at the same time.... We can't endure their departure...

We just can not let go of someone who meant so much to us... For whom we decided to leave our family...

It feels so bad when they leave for real ...

I really loved him ... And leaving him meant leaving all I once loved ... At the same time I had to save myself even if it meant forgetting the life I adored...

I forgot what love felt like...

At least he was someone who would not think twice before giving me his shoulder to lean on ...

At least he was someone who'd ask me what's wrong as soon as he'll see my face ...

At least I never felt lonely with him ...

With him there was happiness ... in midst of all this pain at least there was a few words of happiness...

But my self-respect was more valuable than any romanticism....

For me it was unacceptable for me to let go of my self respect to be with someone...

My aunt used to say "Sometimes it is better to forget the name of those whom once we held close to our hearts "

Now I know how much pain she felt while saying that...

Love always comes at a price ... It gives you heaven but when it leaves, it leaves you empty handed ....

He was the worst guy i ever knew ... Superficial, unreliable , swindler...Infidelity was all i got from him...He was so distant....

But you know? Sometimes only he knew how to make me strong and mentally stable... He knew how to motivate me ...

And he did that this time as well ...

No, he didn't beg for forgiveness...

He just wished me luck when I started my medical journey...

Obviously i didn't respond...

But i wonder what is worse him showing up just when i learned to let ppl go or

Me being cold enough to not even respond...

It's for greater good I guess....

he's the love I will never have in this lifetime and to be honest even if I go back to him I won't be able to trust him... I'll keep doubting his actions... I really pray he's happy wherever he is ... but at the same time I can't forget the trauma I had to go through.....

I'm not depressed or that's what I want to believe I guess .

Common story , I liked this guy , he hinted that he likes me as well , but he'd tell about his past mistakes all the time and I was ready to forgive everything that was in his past,

you know, we girls have this "I can fix him" false belief but he kept going around with other ladies after saying me those things...

I still remember... How unreasonable and unfaithful he sounded.... He said his current girlfriend attempted suicide because he'll leave her ... And he needs to give her company because her family told him to do so ...

I can't believe he thought I'm ignorant enough to be convinced by it ... Still I chose to give him a benefit of doubt.. I thought he needed time ...

And to my surprise after a week or so he said that he's going out of town with another women and the reason was he's addict to women .... I felt pathetic....

I felt like a pushover... and he got the audacity to tell me all that because I had a conservative outlook and I denied any kind of prohibited or forbidden act ...

I stopped talking to him , stopped trying, I just cut him off and he didn't retaliate either but few days back he knew some good news about me and told me to stay strong and stay happy

I felt so disgusted and at the heat of the moment I bashed him badly in response he said "he didn't talk to me all these days cause he thought it's the best for me ,to protect me from him cause he knows he's not the guy I should be with and now he approached me cause I once told him that if he supports me in sth I pass with flying colors , he thought I needed him and he's happy that I don't need anyone anymore" I didn't talk with him afterwards and didn't even reply.

And I don't feel bad for leaving him tbh cause I prioritized my self respect. Right? There's no point of doing the same mistake twice thinking the possibility of what ifs...

But you know since then I feel kind of void hollow , I keep ppl on seen , don't reply much, don't feel like initiating conversations with those who are my well-wishers...it feels like I got lost somewhere... I became so cold and irritable... That's why I don't talk with my family much either cause idk when I'll just blast... I don't know...

I kind of bottled up myself...

I try to keep myself busy ...

someone Once told me " try keeping yourself busy with your studies or side hustles ... Being busy would help you forget those who left you ... It'd help you to stop feeling... You can keep your emotions in check "

Though that certain someone also left ....

6 Feb 2024

When you remember me, it means that you have carried something of who I am with you, that I have left some mark of who I am on who you are. It means that you can summon me back to your mind even though countless years and miles may stand between us. It means that if we meet again, you will know me. It means that even after I die, you can still see my face and hear my voice and speak to me in your heart.

For as long as you remember me, I am never entirely lost. When I'm feeling most ghost-like, it is your remembering me that helps remind me that I actually exist. When I'm feeling sad, it's my consolation. When I'm feeling happy, it's part of why I feel that way.

If you forget me, one of the ways I remember who I am will be gone. If you forget, part of who I am will be gone

10 July 2024

She has two faces ...

She has two faces.

One face that she shows the world, loved ones, and in public.

The smiling one.

The happy, friendly, and talkative one.

The confident one full of laughter and positivity.

The face that everyone is used to.

The second face is the real face.

The one she tries not to show anyone.

The face behind closed doors, when she's alone away from the world, in the security of her own emotions that she doesn't want to show anyone else or have to explain them.

It's exhausting trying to look happy and like nothing is bothering you.

The face that stares off at nothing or patterns on the floor or drapes.

The face that cries in the shower, in bed, car rides alone, cries sitting on the couch, or doing things around for the house.

The sad face that stares back at her in the mirror and looks nothing like she used to be.

Well to her anyway. Others say she looks the same. The face that looks strong to the people she knows, but is really just shards of broken glass inside.

Yes, the girl that was there for everyone, and strong for others..is now split into two.

Two faces, one broken spirit.

She can't bear the losses.

It feels like a chapter of a wonderful book closed never to be open again.

All she has are memories and visions in her head that she plays over and over.

Nothing is the same to her.

Everything is different. She can't cope with daily life, her Doctor said. So she writes to help herself, and she has her two faces.

What's funny is, the sad face is the face worth a thousand words underneath in the depths of complexity.

While the happy face full of laughter, love, positiveness, and fun..is a straight shooter."

26 July 2024

“Harder than crying is losing the ability to do it.”