My name is Alessandra, but I go by Alex. I am already 21 and in my final year in college. My mom however much dotes on me, feels I have decades to go before I reach maturity. The level of maturity when one decides to enter a relationship and start to make plans for a future family. I mean to do that, I got to have a boyfriend first, right? But this is where my mom gets to the specifics, she never would want me to reach this “level of maturity” if not for a specific guy she wants to be her son-in-law. And the mother of this guy mirrors the same passion in this belief which is likewise directed to me. I mean why wouldn’t they? They are best friends after all. This guy’s name is Lorenzo, he is a year older, but we are in the same course and grade. He has lagged a year because he decided to change his major.

Our moms would have us marry now, if they would have their way. But the problem was that they have raised us too closely like siblings. I mean Enzo would even nap and shower occasionally at my house. It does not help that I have two older twin brothers very close to our age as well. And so, we hang out a lot. Even until midnight. Time is irrelevant, I mean it is just a 20m walk to the next house. There is even a small gate in between the properties’ picket fencing.

Much to our mothers’ chagrin, we cannot see ourselves in any romantic relationship. This much is true at least on Enzo’s part, I on the other hand is madly in love with him. But since he has long established the fact that he sees me as a sister, I have decided to put on a mask and act the part. However, there are days when I just want this feeling to go away. Nobody ever desires an unrequited love. It pains me a lot to see him with other girls at school and they are completely fawning over him.

I can only take so much of this heartbreak, so I decided I must take a few steps to avoid seeing scenes like that. My only respite is that we are in our final semester and will be graduating in a couple of months and this final stretch is hectic AF. I welcome these tiring times, I see Enzo less and I skip our usual hangouts at home; and I have a valid reason for that so nobody would ever take notice that I am avoiding him, right? Wrong! The person himself took notice and decided to talk to me about that.

How insensitive could he be? I am suffering here but here he is barraging me with a slew of accusations that I was not spending time with him. He goes like, “Hey Alex, are you avoiding me? You literally run away after class. You don’t ever invite me for lunch or study in the library together. You don’t even see me even when I sleep over. Have I done anything wrong? Have I offended you?”

At this point I just let out a deep breath and looked down. I mean he looked hurt and frustrated enough that I suddenly feel guilty. I was now contemplating on continuing the farce and keep spending time with him like the usual, I could try to put up with all the hurt; if only he will not look this sad. I decided to collect myself and muster my strength to keep my composure; otherwise I might burst into tears. Then I managed to say this, “I’m sorry if you felt like that, maybe I was a bit too absorbed with schoolwork. I did not want to lose my focus, so I did not stop to take a break.”

I looked at his face and see his brows furrowed. After I spoke, he looked pissed and said, “Really? You didn’t have time? Then why did you go to Starbucks with Mark?” And then he left.

I heard Alex call out to me, but I was too mad to look back. It is now almost midnight; I have calmed down but sleep still eludes me. I give up on the thought of sleep and got up. Why was I so livid? Why was I so worked up? She is probably confused due to my outburst, heck! I don’t even know why I was so irritated.

Then I suddenly remember seeing them enter the coffeeshop the other day, the scene keeps repeating in my head. I was just passing by, thinking of the errand I must run for Mom.  I saw them walking on the other side of the alley, Mark with this smug look on his face. I keep my gaze at them, and this guy keeps moving his arm as if debating to rest it on her shoulder or not. I wanted to cross the street at that point and pull her away but then he stopped his hand midway. Just when I have barely stopped myself from marching towards them, this guy touched her back as he guides her into the shop. How dare he have the audacity to touch her!

A car honked at me as I immediately crossed the alley, but I kept my gaze fixed on them. I see them from glass wall as they stood at the counter. Alex was smiling at him! She looks like she is enjoying his company. At this point I had to stop myself from pulling her away with me. She obviously wanted to spend time with him, I supposed Mark did not force her in any way to come. Had I acted rashly as I always do, I can imagine her shouting, “Stop it Enzo!” Those words would always have me reeled in. Each time I see her beautiful but expressionless poker face as she put a damper on my temper; my anger is replaced by worry that she will like me less and how I will never see the end of it once we get home.

Objectively thinking about it, Mark is not a bad guy. He is quite sociable and friendly. He isn’t that bad academically as well; I mean he has good grades. He looks decent, tidy and almost as tall as me. I even know some girls who are into him. If anything, I am more troublesome than this guy. So, if Alex actually likes him, I should be fine with that. But why do I get this nagging feeling that I am not fine with that? I want to perish the thought that they could be together, I mean I did not even know that Alex was into him. Unlike me, she never tells me anything.

I guess what made me mad is that she spent time with Mark, and yet she was avoiding me. She said she did not want to lose her focus in studying so she cannot hangout with me. But why was she inconsistent? Why she can spare some time for him but not for me? And she was happy about it! She was smiling at him! Has she ever smiled that sweetly to me? She has not smiled that cutely at me! Her pearly whites and dimple on her right cheek showing, her eyes crinkling, her head slightly inclined… She looked so adorable…

That night I received some serious blasting from Mom for I have completely forgotten to fetch the dry clean. And the next morning, my Dad was also giving me a stern look. He went to work wearing jeans. I apologized to them profusely, I know I should do the same to Alex.

The signs that this is going to be a shitty day are showing, I feel depressed for no clear reason, I see rain clouds hovering over me. I spoke softly to Mom, “Mom, I’m leaving… I won’t forget the dry clean this time.” As I walked out of the house, each step seemed heavier than the next. Ahhhh! I want to skip school so badly today, but I shouldn’t. I shake this feeling of lethargy and waved at Mr. Cruz, the neighbor across the street as I go out the gate. As I turned to my right, and he was there! The object of my fury.  He smiled at Alex and opened his car’s passenger door for her and then quickly drove off. I just stood there feeling even more livid than before.

“Hey! We’re here!” I see Mark waving his hand in front of my face. “Earth to Alex!” Mark was laughing at my absent-mindedness.I can’t help but laugh at him too, he has such an infectious laugh. We got-off and walked together to the AD Building, I waved at him as we parted by the entrance and I walked towards the stairs. I am so early today; I usually walk to school but now this friend decides to pick me up saying it’s no trouble since my house is along his route anyway. I guess it is good, I am not prepared to see Enzo so soon anyway.

I found out about Mark’s secret by chance. I wanted to finish the last few chapter of a book I borrowed from the library, and thought since it is so nice out today, I could do some reading at my favorite spot in campus. This place is very quiet, not many students are willing to walk the considerable distance just to sit under the trees. Ah! I see my favorite acacia tree, I pull an old, used manila paper in my bag. I can use this to sit on I thought. I was about to sit when I noticed a brown journal partially covered by dry leaves. I picked it up and looked for any identification, I quickly flipped though the pages and saw none. But on the last page these words were written, “I think I am gay, and I feel like dying…”

The words were written so firmly that the pen marks almost tore through the paper. I felt the person who must have written this is anguished and frustrated and felt alone. I trace the pen’s deep indentation on the paper with my finger and closed the journal. When I looked up, Mark was in front of me. He was a bit breathless and there was a slight worry written on his face. I dared not ask if the journal was his, not after seeing what was written there. But as I stare back at him, I see his face relax and as he smiled, he had a wistful expression. He let out a sigh of relief and said, “I’m not worried because my secret was found out by the most introverted girl I know.”

I finally spoke, “There was something written here, is it true?” He said yes. I dropped the journal as I hurried towards him and hugged him tightly. He asked, “Are you hugging me because you feel bad, I am gay?” I pushed his shoulders and looked at him, “No, you idiot! I’m concerned because you said you feel like dying!”

We talked a lot that afternoon, the book I was supposed to read remained unfinished. I did not ask him anything, I let him do the talking, he chose which stories to tell, which feelings to reveal. Half the time we just sat under that acacia tree, no one speaking and yet so much was understood. The sun has started to set, neither noticed the time. I was just glad that he has accepted my offer to be his friend. Mark turned to me and laughed. I thought that I really like his infectious childlike laugh, this time though it sounded more authentic. He said, “I’m so happy you found out about my secret, I feel so relieved, it’s like a huge weight was lifted off me. But hey, we should go, it’s getting dark. I’ll take you home.”  I responded to him saying, “I’m glad you are ok with me finding out and if you ever feel that way again please just call me, okay?” And that was day one of our friendship.

No one is at the classroom yet, I took my seat and waited. My cellphone pinged, it was a message from Mark, he said he will buy me lunch. I giggled a bit and thought I’ll tell him I want sushi today. I was startled when someone suddenly spoke, “A single text message made you that happy?!” I looked behind me and saw Enzo looking annoyed and cranky as ever. I thought to myself, I seldom see this side of Enzo, it almost seemed like he is jealous. But somehow his grumpy face looked rather cute, I smiled at the thought. I stopped smiling the moment I saw him looking at me seriously and quickly told him, “We’ll talk after dinner tonight.” I went quickly back to my seat.