Something Different, Ig ?
Explaining my depression to my mother.
Daughter
Mom, my depression is a shape-shifter.
Daughter
One day it's as small as a firefly in the palm of a bear, the next it's the bear on those days I play dead until the bear leaves me alone.
Daughter
I call the bad days "The dark days"
Mother
Try lighting candles.
Daughter
When I see a candle, I see the flesh of a church, the flicker of a flame, sparks of a memory younger than noon, I'm standing beside her open casket, and it is the moment I learn every person I ever come to know will someday die!
Daughter
Besides, mom, I'm not afraid of the dark…
Daughter
Perhaps that's part of the problem.
Mother
I thought the problem was that you can't get out of bed.
Daughter
I can't, anxiety holds me hostage inside of my house, inside of my head.
Mother
Where did anxiety come from?
Daughter
Anxiety is the cousin visiting from out of town that depression felt obligated to invite to the party.
Daughter
Mom, I'm the party!
Daughter
Only I am a party I don't want to be at.
Mother
Why don't you try going to actual parties?
Daughter
I make plans but I don't want to go.
I make plans because I know I should want to go; I know sometimes I would have wanted to go.
Daughter
It's just not that fun having fun when you don't want to have fun.
Daughter
You see, Mom, each night insomnia sweeps me up in his arms, dips me in the kitchen, in the small glow of the stove-light
Daughter
Insomnia has this romantic way of making the moon feel like perfect company.
Mother
Try counting sheep then.
Daughter
My mind can only count reasons to stay awake, so I go for walks.
Daughter
But my stuttering kneecaps clank like silver spoons held in strong arms with loose wrists, they ring in my ears like clumsy church bells, reminding me I am sleepwalking on an ocean of happiness that I cannot baptize myself in.
Mother
Happy is a decision.
Daughter
My happy is as hollow as a pin pricked egg
Daughter
My happy is a high fever that will break.
Mother
You're so good at making something out of nothing!
Mother
Are you afraid of dying?
Daughter
No, I am afraid of living!!!
Mom still doesn't understand...
Daughter
Mom, can't you see!
That neither can I...
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