Another day another party in this wonderful music industry, there are so many social groups. We have the actors, musicians, models, designers, writers, youtubers, instagram-models, etc. These people throw back-to-back party for no apparent reason whatsoever, but I don’t usually have issue with it because most of the time I use this opportunity to meet rookie who just starting in the music industry. After many years in the business I have lost touch with the reason – the passion that brought me to this world. So I have decided to hangout with people who still got the spark. Oh … How I miss it.

In a dim lounge blasted with music from the movie Dear John – Little House, I was feeling the room for an unfamiliar but familiar face, perhaps a rookie who has made a name for themselves but not yet make it in the music world. Basically someone I can turn into my very own project.

The crowd was small and sparse out in the room, it is shocking how a moderate size villa can have a lounge that fit 80 people, if the name is not on the door I would say this is a club, aside from their music selection. The sound of glass clinking in-between a song drew my attention to the most dashing man in a buzzard outfit, he has this distance look about him – hassle eyes and freakishly pink lips. Minutes passed, I found myself studying his movement from the way the he enunciate every word carefully to the way he nodded his head frequently in agreement as he leaned against the glass window. It is like the night sky is his personal background.

I let out a sign, he could be the project I needed but I caught myself questioning my own intention. Will it be already to be attracted to your project, because I clearly was not breathing properly at the thought of being near him. Not knowing how, I made my way to them. Leance who is the photographer for 2017 Vogue cover, was looking in my direction as I walk towards them.

“Emily dear, how nice of you to join us. This is my friend J” Leance exclaimed, the room now is filled with his booming voice and the name J.

“ Hi, call me Em. J right? Is that short for something else?” I extended my hand to greet him. Losing myself in his big – warm smile that is somehow reassuring.

“Hello, firstly I am a big fan and yes J is short for Janyun thank you for asking” I can tell he wasn’t trying to be funny but somehow the accent and the dimples makes me want to laugh, but I bit my lip and hold my expression.

“aw you are too kind, so how do you like it here so far” J is from a world renounced Korean boy band as famous as BTS and One Direction before them. The world needs one boy band to obsessed over and in today age it’s the J’s famous group THE NOW or TN for short.

Leance occupied himself with one of the upcoming model near the fireplace, and I was in deep conversation with J. Somehow we ended up talking the whole night through. He was well-built, 6 ft 2 give or take and give the best hug EVER. As I said goodbye and left, he asked if I could text him when I reached home safely.

“Wow J, if this is how you get girl’s number, I would to applaud you sir. Because that is one smart and gentlemanly

move.” I teased but he raised his hands up in rejected.

“No, I have nothing but the honestly intention. I am just worried about you, so please let me know when you get

home.” I could tell he was genuine and it was refreshing.

“Sure, give me your number and do you use social media?” I prefer texting to talking, as form of communication.

I immediately text him when I reached home, I honestly never had a guy who wouldn’t trust my security team before. I felt really cared for. The next day I asked him if his team would like to stop by our studio. I was going to make them my project, if anyone can inspired me into music again it would be them. I spent the whole night reading, watching and researching on their work. It was new, pop with a twist and all around flashy.

I arranged stuff up with my agent and company to look into music collaboration. I have a song that has been unfinished since my team decided to take a break from music. Yes, I am also from a group. One of the biggest girl group in the scene today but one of our three members has been offered the opportunity to starred in a controversial film and my other member went into hiatus to be with her lover. And I, well trying to be independent.

The six hotties walked into the company, their grace is like anything I have never seen before. J specifically shines, his fair complexion and white hair color brings out his hassle eyes.

“OMG, is that them? Holy shit, I need to find my panty.” My manager exclaimed.

“You are literally screaming right now, yes he is gorgeous” I do not know how I end up with her as my manager. But no one can deny the fact.

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Inspired by Gorgeous - Taylor Swift

The song was renew, different instruments were included to make the beats stand out to fit the personality of each member in TN. I decided to become the ghost writer on the song because after it was changed completely from my acoustic version to EDM, I know that it doesn’t fit me or my image but it did help me regain my love from making music.

Five days in the studio with J, I was unconditionally happy. We have a routine. We would go for coffee in the morning before coming in and have another coffee when the team ordered again. At lunch we would order in so we could practice the song just the two of us and the love for messing around got us in so much crazy stuff when we are alone together. The most crazy thing we tried was singing upside down while balancing a base using on feet – turn out he sounded amazing. We would stay in the recording studio after dinner to recap on the song after the day is finished. Then we would continue whatever discussion we had in a back-to-back text after we both get home. Usually it starts when he checked up on me to see if I am home safely.

Before I knew it, I was texting him and spending more time with him than I do with my boyfriend. Begin with him was the new normal. Begin with him was all that I wanted to do from waking up to going to sleep. He was the person I greet in the morning and the last I wish goodnight. We weren’t physical but we were something. I wasn’t cheating but I was emotionally cheating. I knew this to be a fact after one of our conversation.

In the van heading back to the studio after dinner, it was just J and I riding at the back. My phone rang it was the theme song to American Horror Story – the coven, I looked at the caller ID. It was Eric. I didn’t want to answer. I was tired, we both were. J was sitting next to me eyes shut. I offered him my shoulder to rest on.

“Who is that? Why are you answering?” he asked eyes still closed.

“It’s my boyfriend. I will call him back when I get home” I wasn’t going to at best I was going to text him. I don’t feel like answer any of Eric’s question today.

“That’s rude. What if he has something important to tell you?” maybe true or maybe he was just calling to see how I am. I was sick of the routine.

“No he is just calling to ask me about my day. He always does. I don’t feel like talking.”

“He loves you, he wants to hear your voice. Don’t be too hard on the man.” I was being hard on Eric, for no reason or maybe for one reason. I was unsure. I was insecure. I was disgusted at myself because I am realizing my feelings for J.

“What if I don’t feel like I want to be with him?” unintentionally it came out but like a weight has been lifted from my chest.

“hmm” eyes still closed, either he was really tired or he doesn’t want to see me. I could feel him breathing my face was inches away from him.

“If I have feelings for someone else but I don’t act on it. And I just ask him for a break like a pause on this relationship. Would that be so wrong.” At this point, I was ranting or mumbling. I was sure what I would get from saying all this. Today is our last recording session, J is leaving tomorrow for Japan. TN is schedule to perform their concert there.

“Umm, in my country, we would call this emotionally cheating. It is still cheating. Don’t do it. Be clear of what you want. Don’t hurt Eric he is a nice guy afterall”

Just like that, I froze. There was nothing more to say. I was like someone who only like me as a friend. I didn’t know you can like someone so much – so fast.

Eric and I were together for 6 years now and I never have this strong feelings toward him. I don’t deny the feelings I had for Eric but there was never a strong urge to be with him. We were confortable and it was easy to be with him but I always felt like I had to do more to make it fun. J was just fun, I didn’t have to try to be funny. He was funny I was always happy with him.

I met Eric at a Gala Dinner. He was one of the most successful business in Europe. His invention made millions in only 3 years after he left university. I was just raising into the scene when I knocked over three glasses of wine and when tumbling before falling on top of him. We made fun of the situation, I fell on him and he fell in love with me a year after.

We dated after the incident, started off innocently as a sorry but then we found out that we had so many things in common. Our hobby, personality, passion and ideas – crazy enough we even had the same horoscope sign, scorpion.

It was easy to fall for someone to powerful and good looking. He was nice really nice. His family was old money rich, a British descent. He has great body, lean and always well-groom. Blonde hair and blue eyes, 6 ft 1 – I swear he looks like Mr. Bingley from Pride and Prejudice.

My pride won’t allow me to destroy this perfect relationship. We were the power couple. Million boyfriend, beautiful house by the beach in Hampton and a booming career, I had it all. All the fights we ever had was always my fault or it would feel like my fault. He would say much or argue much so at the end I would feel tremendous amount of guilt just for starting a fight. I don’t remember what they were but I know not all of them were my doing.

Drift, we were definitely drifting. But I couldn’t find a reason to leave him. He was way too good to me, too good for me to just hurt him in this way. I couldn’t text J goodbye or reply him afterward because I had admit what I felt was real. I had admit it to myself and that was eating me up. If I were to reply or continue having any form of relationship I would be cheating on Eric.

The thought of it was killing me. It was killing the relationship. I wish Eric would just cheat on me instead. That would have been perfect. It would have been easy.  I would have been understanding, afterall most long distance relationship does not work.

“Hey honey, I am going to the US next week. We should go to the Hampton. I already called people there.” Eric said with glee in this voice.

I wanted to scream leave me. “Yeah babe, I will tell my team to cancel my schedule”

“Oh I thought you were on break. What happened? Why are you booked?” We haven’t talked in so long. I was making more music these days so I booked the studio until the end of the month.

“No I am working on new music.”

“Are you sure you can make it? It’s great that you are working. I can join you in the studio. We can reschedule Hampton” He knows when my creative fuel is going. I don’t ever want to stop. He knows me so well. He understood me. But why can’t I love him anymore.

I changed. He hasn’t. and once again, I am wrong. I have wronged us.

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Inspired by Let Me Go - Hailee Steinfeld & Alesso (feat. Florida Georgia Line * Watt)

Wuss, I am a weaseling wuss!

Piano playing in the background, chef making breakfast in the kitchen and Eric sitting on the pouch eating breakfast overlooking the beach at the Hampton. This is the life I would be waking up to everyday should I choose to be with him. I could still afford this lifestyle on my own but I would not be doing it so effortlessly cool like he is doing. It is like he was born into this, well he did.

“Good morning handsome.” I was overconpansating for something obviously.

“Hi baby, in a good mood so you had a nice sleep?” Shit great he didn’t notice. He stood up to kiss me before sitting me down next to him – honestly I feel like dog.

“yes, the bed was good” why did I answer that, what is wrong with me today? “so what are you reading” I acquired

while shoving the biggest piece of waffle into my mouth so I don’t have to comment on the answer he was going to give me.

“Tom Clancy, honey are you hungry? Do you want more truffle waffle?”

NO!! I want you to hurt me and destroy me so I don’t feel this bad.

“I am good, you are more filling than any waffle I can shove in my face.” Again what the hell is wrong with me?

I am trying to breakup with his majesty the handsome but so far I keep sounding like I want to trap the man.

“Careful or I will have to stop eating this and eat your sweetness instead.” He led out a cheeky laugh and

winked. I used to be so shy and so caught up in moment like this but now I just felt tight in the chest. I was suffocated.

“We need to talk.” This is a start to a horrible holiday weekend.

“Yes, I am sorry for keeping this from you. I didn’t mean to surprise you – knowing how much you hate it.” I lost it. I have no idea what to expect. He ushered me to the front door and I just hope he wanted me to leave his house, like one of those hoes be gone moment.

“What are you doing?” I had to ask.

“Surprise!!!” I couldn’t hear what her said next after surprise because I was looking at the latest BMW X6 in pastel pink. He wasn’t kicking me out for cheating – emotionally – he bought me a car.

“You can say something now.” He is perfect, smile that can pull panty, money that can drown playboy mansion and

looks that can slay a dragon but nothing about him I want anymore. I used to say love the man who love you but I can no longer live by that statement when I know I can make him happier with someone better more deserving of him than me if I could just let him go. So I decided to.

“Eric, I love it and I love you but you have to listen to me. I need to tell you this when my mind is still

straight.” My heart is no longer with you. It is never your fault baby. “you are a damn good guy but I cannot be your lucky girl anymore. I am sorry I wasted so much of your time but we were real once I just can’t be with you anymore. There is no chemistry between us I just hope we could still be in each other life but I would understand if you don’t want to.”

Eric looked at me like I was an unsolvable puzzle, with thorns that was jabbing at him. “I am sorry you felt that way. If there is any way we could work out this I would be glad to do anything. We could go couple therapy if you want.”

Tears streaming down my face, until this moment he still doesn’t blame me.

“Babe I am sorry there is someone else I am developing feelings for and I don’t want to lie to you anymore. It could be nothing by I want the freedom to experience whatever it could be.”

We just stood there in front of the pink car for a solid 10 minutes before he said. “I wish he knows how lucky he is to have you. I would love for us to still be in each other lives because you have been a big part of mine and if it doesn’t work out you will always have me to come back to.”  He kissed my forehead and went back in, I took the keys and drove.

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Grace - Bebe Rexha