SAOIRSE  ROMANOV

J O U R N A L  |  2018

_________________________

Her life continues to change,

Yet she's still  trapped in a cage

Her eyes glisten with tears

As she 's slowly devoured by her fears

She's afraid,

All her efforts failed,

The countless memories are blown away

As night turns into day

She can't seem to move

Like a child without anything to prove

Her bright face gets dull

Like a living woman inside a porcelain doll

Her mind travels through a dark locked place

Lost in these lonely space

She left her town to find what she lost

To find what she desires the most

A love she's hoping,

That's like a colorful and symmetrical painting

A reality she wants to deceive,

But is difficult to receive

_________________________

Another alternate sunrise,

Problems that continue to arise,

It can't be finished quickly

Turning her faint happiness into misery

She wandered for too long,

No one to tag along

She can't fight the conflicts inside her head

It became too hard for her to fled

Her mind was a mess,

Like a mannequin caught up in a suffocating dress

She keeps searching for her missing light

Within the thick layer of darkness in the night

She didn't know he's close,

Watching her hold a delicate yet thorn-filled rose

Yet it doesn't surpass the beauty she has

With how heavenly and ravishing she was

Her presence troubled his mind

Her eyes show her pain, her longing, her hidden side

She's breathtaking whilst she's marred with scars

She pulled him in, igniting his fire of love and desire

_________________________

The strings of fate bind him

Through a forgotten fortress, so dark, so dim

He found a sound so faint,

Coming from a woman that has a very unique trait

He'll vow to protect this woman as his Queen

It can take long as what as it seems

Neither can fate or reality can stop him

He'll fulfill his promise and stay firm

She's a sinful temptation,

Bound to capture his attention

He can't wait to call her his forever

He can't wait to love her, spoil her, please her

She's a masterpiece, a fragile art

With tortured pieces that broke apart

Yet he accepts her every flaw

Even if it means he needs to break the limits of the law

He's unable to look away,

For she's like a beautiful play

Performing in the stage

In which she calls a cage

_________________________

The fear of this mysterious feeling

Draw his dangerous and mad longing

For the woman, he watched from afar

Mix up his desires and wishes in a lidded jar

Her smiles delight his hidden hunger

For in his heart she's a siren and a fighter

He would bend every rule to keep her out of harm

While she builds her confidence and alluring charm

No matter how hard he falls,

How the odds are against him like countless walls,

He will not let his demons appear

To capture his angel, so fragile and dear

His world was bland and plainly dark

Yet she came and end it all with a mark

He gave his soul to this woman,

Promising that he'll be her knight, king, and man

He's addicted to her,

Everything insignificant except for her doesn't matter

All he wanted is his angel and only herself

Even if it means to lose his life and his self

_________________________

She's his delirious heaven,

A true definition of a pure elegant maiden

He's truly the opposite of her,

She's an angel and he's a killer

He calls her name,

That signals the beginning of a newly lit flame

He silently grasps her hand,

Looking upon the world's sinful land

She suffered for years,

Covered her eyes and ears

As life continues to shatter her

With a little knowledge of survival, she poorly masters

"Your success is all of your permanent scars

That defines the night with it's blinking stars,

It's distant but it can lighten up the sky,"

He muttered with tears that are already dry.

He's crying and she knows it's not fake

She trusts him yet she made a mistake,

With the reality of waking up the devil

Living inside of him in peril

_________________________

She discovered the devil that resides in his soul,

Heard hundreds of longing growls

He painted her red, bloodied and tainted

But she's still curious and painfully attracted

Horns grew upon his head

As the thin string of his control and facades grows dead

Lavishing, deadly and truthfully dangerous,

With traps that can haunt a lion to obey his hidden favors

Her halo's long gone,

She sacrificed it for him even if it's wrong

Her wings are torn,

But she's not left by pain to mourn

Like raging waves of the sea's high tides,

Eyes locked together with hands placed on both sides,

They look at the dull and empty highway

As the stars glitter among the dark sky

Both conflicted yet certain, both marred yet flawless,

They wouldn't ask for something even more or less

For this is what a symphonic and melodic piece sounds

Of the world, they have woken up to with synthetic towns

NOTE

This is first published on Wattpad but due to some reasons, it is deleted and can only be seen in Mangatoon. This is the edited and new version. I hope you'll like it. Thank you :)

C R E S S   S A O I R S E   C O S T E L L A

I bit my lower lip in anxiousness as I make my way towards our home, silently pleading to not be able to see my Auntie's face but when I arrived at the front yard, I saw her. I can't even comprehend she's in front of me when she instantly rushed to where I am. At first, I was confused but after I finally read the intense anger written on her eyes, I became afraid. I stand firm and still.

"Is there something wrong, Auntie?" She just narrows her eyes at me before slapping me. My cheek ached and I looked at her surprised with my one hand touching the swollen skin of my cheek. I can taste the blood that maybe came from my lip because of her slap.

"What did you saw last night?" She asked, looking down at my tiny figure.

"Last night?" I asked in reply. What does she mean?

"Tell me the truth. You can't deceive me brat!" She shouted which caused me to flinch in astonishment. I anxiously swallowed while I slowly lower my head. I pinched the hem of my school shirt and stopped the tears that are desperately wanting to be freed.

What did I do to deserve such anger? She usually beats me when Mommy and Uncle Rector is not around. She will abuse me physically and mentally with harsh actions not befitting for a child and ill words, crashing my mental state. At first, I thought that maybe it's because I unintentionally did something that makes her upset but in the end, she just despise me. After all, I wasn't supposed to be alive.

Her torment started with a few slaps and pinches when I was 7 years old. She will do it every single time, she'll found that I did something wrong even if it's the tiniest bit of mistake. I didn't tell it to Mommy, thinking that Auntie Annita was just doing this for my sake. She just wants to make me better. I also keep in mind that my mother doesn't succumb to anyone even it is her cousin, Auntie Annita. If she'll know this, the possible outcomes of misunderstandings will arise.

After the countless beatings and abuse I received from her, there's only one thing that stayed inside my mind. She doesn't care about my life, She didn't even treat me like family. She would do that just to hurt me and ruin my life. There are bruises that formed, some large, some small enough to cover with clothes. Others are red, some are violet and others are fading. Mommy sees these bruises and asked me where I got it from.

I told her that I got it while playing with other kids in school. She believed me and carefully reminded me that I shouldn't okay too much as it can take a toll in my weak body and will receive bruises. I felt so guilty because I lied. I know that lying's not good but I'm afraid. I just wonder why Auntie Annita hates me, despises me, and abuses me all these years.

"I'm already inside the house last night, Auntie," I answered, caught up in my own thoughts.

"Stop calling me Auntie while acting as if you were an angel. You are way farther than that. You're the greatest mistake of your careless mother, dear,"

Silence enveloped  the two of us before she added, "You're Mother regrets you for living,"

"Auntie, I'm being honest. I don't know anything you're saying," Thoughts flooded inside my head. Am I  my Mother's greatest mistake? Why didn't I know this? I was doubtful but also at stress. Auntie is saying the truth, isn't she?

"You're lying! Don't try to trick me!" I suddenly felt that time stopped. Everything that's happening around me seems to be frozen. My heart stopped, my eyes blurred, my hands clenched, and my body hunched. What does this mean?

I gathered enough strength before replying, "Trust me, Auntie. I didn't really see anything," Endless thoughts entered my mind, continuously covering one over another.

"Answer me honestly, child. Have you seen me and Rector last night?" Uncle Rector and her? What does she mean?

"What do you mean, Auntie?" I asked but she just dropped my question and glared at me as a silent reply.

I looked down and said, "I really don't know," After that, she gripped my hair tightly. I hold her hand in an attempt to stop her or try to defend myself yet it doesn't work. I'm near to collapse because of the pain. I groaned in agony trying to get her to stop. She didn't. She even acts like she hadn't heard me at all.

She doesn't care. She will always not. Now, I believed that all those efforts of pleasing her are too useless. She gripped my hair with two hands and this time, I let her one hand go, I can't hold onto it more especially because of the pain. I can feel it in my scalp as if she's ripping my hair out.

Then, I saw Mom and I've never been thankful but also guilt swallows me. If I just told her what happened in the past then this wouldn't have existed. Auntie Annita easily let my hair go and gets herself ready to explain at Mom's sudden calm face.

"Carina, listen—" Mom gave her a loud and unbearably painful slap before Auntie Annita has even had the chance to explain. Auntie held her cheek and look at my Mom in surprise.

"I won't listen to your lies. I've seen it, witness it. Stop pretending," My Mom looked at Auntie with an unreadable expression on her eyes.

"You've got it all wrong," Auntie Annita tried to defend herself for the second time but failed once again.

"You're a treacherous leech, a greedy and envious one. You'll suck until dry. Not leaving anything behind. if there's a chance, you'll get it. Am I right?" Mom added, "You'd never changed. Still as black as a sheep in a white flock,"

Auntie Annita's hand is in a fist shape, anger filling her evil doe-like eyes. She briefly took a deep breath, calming herself in the process.

Auntie bitterly laughed, "Carina, I'm the first in everything. In my parents' eyes, I'm precious. In my former classmates and current workmates, I'm a beauty with intelligence, a unique woman with grace and talent. In my past relationships, I'm a great partner to brag about. I'm the greatest among the rest even if our family except my parents thinks about it. Everything is set. Everything is going as it should be yet you came. You ruined everything!"

"I was the first that known Rector. The first one that approached him when no one's taking the initiative, talked to him like he doesn't come from a wealthy family despite that it even ruins my reputation, I treat him like a normal person should regardless of my position in life, I helped him reach where he is right now, help him get his dreams. I offer him my all, my everything and I thought everything goes with the plan. I loved him.  he's all that I wish for," She looked at Mom in disdain before continuing.

"But when you appeared, not only Leonardo and my former suitors were attracted but also Rector. He didn't care if you and Leonardo are together and still thinks he has a chance that maybe someday, he'll be able to marry you. I was there! I was there when he said that. I can't even explain how excruciating it is or how mad I am. You even had a child in the first place but he lowered his pride, throw away almost everything he works hard for just to take you in his care with that child. You're so selfish, so insensitive, so unappreciative. How could Rector love you?"

"I made it clear as glass. I will only love Leonardo and not anyone else. Rector may help me and my daughter but it's just because of want. He's just giving me debts that I need to pay for soon and that's not what love is. That's just infatuation,"

"Infatuation? You!" Auntie Annita pointed at Mom, madly.

"How could a person like you know it?" Mom asked, cold and also indifferent as if Auntie is not her cousin at all.

"You had never faced such hardships, are you? Yes, you may be a black sheep in the family. you felt left out, unwanted, and disgraced but your own blood-related relatives but it certainly has a reason. Don't tell me it's the fault of everyone. After all, it purely depends on your actions, words, and especially your spoiled and indecent attitude. You're just putting blame on what's real after realizing you're the one on the wrong side," I looked at my Mom as she speaks out those words. I was more than surprised. She's always smiling when she's in front of me, so careful and loving but right now, she's calm yet enraged.

My mother is so controlled especially with how she dealt with everything. She doesn't want failure and strives to success but also to happiness. She'll choose what is the best or when she picks the most useless, she'll make a solution to it without stressing out. I can't be much prouder to see her calm composition as harsh words came out from her mouth. I wanted to be like her and be able to fight for myself so when Auntie Annita said I'm my Mother's greatest mistake, I was doubtful, scared and sad at first but I trust my Mom.

There's a silence that reigns again for the second time but at this moment, my Mom heads towards where I am, checked my hair and sighed in relief, kissed my forehead, held my hand, and looked into my eyes. "I prepared everything yesterday after thinking about finally stop seeking for help but if you want to bring anything that held dear to you, pick it up and I'll wait for you here," Without thinking twice, I ran towards mine and Mom's room, picking up the discarded teddy bear sitting on the bedsheets. I already got what I needed and so I go back to where my Mom and Auntie Annita is.

Mom opened the car's door, enter the vehicle, insert the key into the ignition before she looked at Auntie Annita with a smile plastered on her lips, "I mustn't put my trust on you before but I still hope for your happiness. Farewell, Annita,"

She looked at me, smiled at me, and fix my messy hair, "Forgive me, Cress. If I could just—" I held her hand in my own and said, "It's alright. I trust you, Mom,"

After that, she started the car, left the house, the subdivision and never looked back. At this moment, I knew this is only the beginning.

C R E S S  S A O I R S E  C O S T E L L A

Three years quickly passed by when there's only me and Mom. We managed to live even though we suffered from financial problems. We rented a small but comfortable apartment unit just for us. It's cheap, affordable, and clean so my Mom and I don't have any problems with it. The apartment is also in a secured place with one extremely friendly and talkative security guard. The rent is also not expensive.

The landlady was a former colleague of my Mom and so the transaction is fast and also easy. When the landlady saw me she was surprised to know that my Mom had a child but she didn't ask anymore and just wish us to have a good life. She even gave me another teddy bear as a gift and ask me to call her Mommy Mariel. She's a pretty and sensitive woman that I'll always treasure in my heart. But she's a busy woman. She worked overseas and only return after 5 months to ensure the flow of her apartment business. She's independent and also dependable at the same time.

She's no different than Mom but Mom hadn't finished her degree in college. Mommy Mariel did. She told me that she's surprised knowing that my Mom doesn't have problems with her family, her grades are also excellent, extremely proficient even that not only Mommy Mariel was astonished after hearing the news of my Mom quitting but also everyone that knew her.

She also shared to me how dedicated Mom was in her studies, leaving no room for any distractions such as bland romance, and unnecessary school gatherings. Socializing is crossed out on her list that even if she had lots of suitors, she wouldn't even give them a glance. Well, that was until Mom met my biological father. Mommy Mariel knows about it but paid it no mind at first, thinking that Mom won't even notice such man yet she did.

"You're so lucky and so is your Mom. I hope I'll also have a child on my own but I can't," I remember her saying before she added, "So you should treasure every moment together,"

After that, Mommy Mariel left. My Mom came home too, telling me that she finally landed a decent job just to pay for my school fees and for our other payments. I told her it's alright for me to enter a public school for the meantime but she declined to say that she wants what's the best for her daughter. Because of that, I strived hard and gave all of my time and effort in studying.

At first, it was hard, especially that I'm still coping up with everything but Mom is beside me, guiding, helping, and supporting me even if she's tired after her job. When the day of the passing scholarships are broadcasted on the speakers on the school, I can't help but be nervous and pray, I'm able to pass. The names are all said and finally, I was able to get a scholarship. Because of it, I quickly got home, fixed the tables, helped Mom in preparing the foods and told it to Mom when we're eating.

I can still remember how happy she was at that time and thought, I should study harder to help Mom. I can't just stand by. Now, I'm in my sophomore year. The fees are increasing regardless of how my scholarship is helping because of the activities and daily projects happening. Mom is suffering much worse than before. She would hide it at me but I can see dark circles beneath her eyes and those tired hands which seem to be swollen. I would massage it and briefly told myself that whatever happens, I'll be successful in the future so Mom won't get tired like this anymore.

I remembered that I ask for her approval of just letting me work for the meantime to save up some money but she immediately declined to say that she wants me to have a good life and not suffer. She'll do anything just for my sake and therefore, I should also give my best in studying so that I will not waste Mom's efforts.

I joined countless contests just to get money and be able to help Mom even if it's just small. I lose at some but also I won a lot of times too in which I all gave what I achieve to Mom. I'm doing all of this for her sake so it's alright if I sometimes fail. After all, there's a saying that losing is winning. You may lose but you're able to learn from it and that can make you more successful. Mom doesn't want to get it and told me that this money that I gathered will be saved up for college. In the end, I agreed with what she said but manages to get a few and buy her a rose and a small cake for her birthday.

We are happy despite being missing another important person. We are thankful that we survived and continue to live out our lives meaningfully. No matter how hard the problems and struggles we have, we'll still solve it without a doubt. With Mom, I'm safe, protected, and loved. I can't ask for more.

She's the greatest blessing I'd ever had in my life. I will always be thankful for being granted the chance of becoming her daughter. I'm so proud of her as she was with me. She won't let me be misguided. yes, she may scold me but I understand it. I'm still young and I need to learn a lot. She's doing it all for my sake too. She stayed with her decision of not aborting me even if her parents say so. She fought for my right in living and so she left her family and built one on her own.

She offers me a life filled with upsides and downsides, sadness and happiness, reality and dreams. She showed me everything and even a lot of problems come, I'll never hurt or make my Mom sad because, without her, I will not exist in this world.

I just sighed and enjoy the comforting bliss of the wind. I lay down for a moment on the sofa before I stood up to prepare something simple but pleasant to eat. It wasn't long before I finished when Mommy came home from work, exhausted. I ran to her and helped her sit on the sofa.

"I already prepare the food, Mom," I said while giving her a kiss on the cheek as a greeting.

"I'll be alright, Cress. You eat first," She replied.

"Let's eat together," I quickly arranged the table, help her sit on the dining chair before sitting on my own chair. I helped her by putting rice on her plate and gave her vegetables that I steamed and also marinated meat that I just fried.

"I'm not too old yet, Cress," She chuckled and I replied, "I know,"

"Thank you,"

"You're always welcome, Mom," I peeked unto her as she gently massaged her left hand. I sighed. Mom is really trying her best so I also should be. I won't let suffer anymore when I'm finally able to gain money on my own. We'll face a bountiful life in the future, I know we will.

"How's your day today, princess?" She asked.

"Nothing had changed. It's as same as before," I received a heartfelt chuckle from her as a reply.

I reach the full pitcher and pour water on her glass, "Did you get hired at Costella Corporation?" I asked and suddenly, silence surfaces.

"Mommy?" I called.

"I got in," She answered with a distant look on her face.

"I was received as Mrs. Costella's assistant secretary," Mom added.

"Mrs. Costella?" She nodded in answer.

"She's your father's wife, baby" I lowered my head in hesitation. I'm not sure if Mom will be treated fairly and it makes me anxious. What if she receives unfair treatment or worse, abuse?  I'm not sure if I'm going to be happy that she got a new job or sad because of this.

"But Mom, what if you're treated unfairly?"

"It wouldn't. Trust me. I'm tougher than I look. Don't worry too much, baby. In case there's a new job looking for an employee next time I will leave Costella Corporation but now, all we need to do is wait. It's quite hard to find a stable job now," She answered while smiling.

"Mommy," I called and she looks at me in question

"I'm okay. I'm your Mom, right? It takes too much power needed just to hold me down. Just focus on studying so you'll graduate and you will be able to live out your dream,"

"But if you'll have a hard time Mommy, just quit,"

"Cress, my princess, remember that I won't be able to stay too long so I'll do everything for you. Let's just be happy and continue to make memorable moments together.  Don't frown at me, young lady if you don't want to this moment to mess up," Mommy laughed.

"Mommy," I whispered.

"Yes?"

"I love you,"

"And so am I,"

"You should go to bed and I will wash these dishes," Mommy said as she slowly got up.

"Mom, I'll wash it," She quickly denied my request, "Such a stubborn child,"

"I'm not that stubborn," I joked. She just laughed softly.

"All right. If you need me just call me. I'm in the room next to yours for a reason, okay?" I nodded and went straight to the sink.

After I left the kitchen, I sat on the floor.  I scanned my notes and finished a few of my worksheets with the set deadline of submission next week. When I finished, I kept the items inside the old bag that Mommy gave to me when I was younger. I went to bed, I sighed and looked at my pale white ceiling while drifting in my dreamless sleep.