The girl is having a dream; maybe, a nightmare. She is sweating while sleeping and her head are turning from left to right. Running. She wanted to get out in the place as soon as possible. She is suffocating with emotions that she didn’t understand. Is it betrayal? She clutched her heart with the pain she felt inside while running.. Traffic.. It’s as if someone is coming after her but she didn’t care. She just ran as fast as she could to get away as far as possible. She felt like the more she ran, the more she got suffocated but she never stopped running anyway. And she heard a loud bang, a traffic accident, and she opened her eyes.

She wiped her face, tired...and sad... She stood up. Get water from her table then opened the window of her cottage. She looked outside, in the vast sea; listening to the sound of the night. Her past is coming after her; she didn’t understand why it affected her in ways more than a normal person would in her circumstances. She couldn’t trust anybody because of her life experiences with people. She sighed remembering her dreams. Growing up was hard for her. She was only around five when her mother left her in a relative’s house. As a child, she didn’t understand why her mother never showed up again. She would cry looking for her but she would stop everytime she would see the angry look of her aunt (she can also remember her physically disciplining her everytime she cries). She learned not to cry out of fear and just hide everytime she is afraid of her aunt; she would like to hide away when she is hungry, or in pain or sick. In her young mind, she learned that telling other people that you are not okay will bring you into trouble, so she would keep her mouth shut while hurting. She was around six when her aunt brought her to another aunt. She thought life would be easier there but it is still the same. Because she never made any fuss, her aunt liked her. But, because her aunt was poor and having another mouth to feed seemed hard for her, her aunt brought her to a bigger house with lots of children. She didn’t know what the place is called but there are many of them; they all sleep together in a big room. She didn’t ask where she is but with her experience, she learned to keep quiet and to just follow what she is told to do. Later on, she learned that the big house is what they called an orphanage and all children there are without parents just like her. 

 It will be a long night for her, just like every other night, she thought when she drifted far away in her past. She got her phone and started scanning through her saved music. She found her favorite music. It’s music of a famous boy band.  It gives her comfort. Somewhat, the voice of the singer is speaking to her directly. And it feels like she is not alone.. She went back to her bamboo bed, leaving the window open. She closed her eyes while trying to calm her mind by focusing on the voice of the song; she tried to imagine flying with its melody; she tried to savor every word that the lyrics say about life. Tears fall from the side of her eyes while listening to the music; she can’t explain it but she can directly relate to the song. The voice of the singer is rich with emotions that it feels like he is talking to her directly. She knows why, she thought while wiping her tears off; she can’t fly like the others it’s because maybe this life is her fate, she thought while listening to the song. She wanted to give her life up and maybe start all over again into another lifetime, but after listening to this song and bawling like she never did before. 

She remembered that night when she was so down and so alone. She was feeling nothingness. She felt so empty. It feels like her life has no value; that living means nothing. That night, while feeling the emptiness of her life and while lacking all the emotions that she should feel, that night she planned already on how to end everything so even tomorrow would not be a burden for her anymore when this song was played in the radio. She stopped whatever she was doing, and just sat there on the floor while listening to the song. 

“It’s not that I believe it

But that I want to try holding out

Because this is all I can do.

Tears flowed out from her eyes. She didn’t even realized that she was crying but her tears never stopped falling from her eyes until it was impossible for her to see anything. His voice stopped her from doing anything… So, she remained unmoving while sitting on the floor. 

I want to remain

I want to dream more

Even so, what I am saying is..

That it’s time to leave

She wiped the tears from her eyes and started crying silently. Her shoulders are quivering from her pain and silent tears. No one. She has no one to share all her emotions with. And in this very moment of her life, she felt an instant connection to whoever is singing this song. For her, it felt like he seemed to know what she is going through. She put her right hand on her mouth to stop herself from crying but she couldn’t stop her tears and pain from showing….

Yeah, it’s my truth

It’s my truth

I will be covered with wounds all over.

Her silent tears started to have sounds. She didn’t realize that she is making some weird sounds while crying already. She covered her two hands on her mouth to muffle her cries. She doesn’t want anybody to hear her crying but no matter how much she covers her mouth, she could still hear her cry. All her life, she learned to cry in silence. She learned to suffer in the silence and to never really show her real emotions to anyone. All her life, she never experienced a real love and understanding and acceptance of a family because she never had a real family. She grew up fearing to be thrown away in the street. She grew up feeling abandoned and neglected and unwanted. Tonight, all of these are coming to her at once. And the rawness of her emotions is just too much for her to bear in silence. This life is covering her with wounds that she can’t endure anymore. And the more she covers her tears, the more it flows like crazy. 

                But it’s my fate, it’s my fate.

             Still, I want to struggle and fight.

When it was in the chorus, she cried and bawled; she didn’t care anymore if other would hear her. She didn’t care anymore if she is crying like crazy. The more that she cried like that, the more that she felt like she is alive; she felt like all those suppressed emotions she had since her childhood just came out of nowhere. She cried all her heartaches, her pain, her misfortunes, her lack of love and acceptance, and even her self-worth; the more that she cries in loud voice, the more that her heart became less cold and hard. She felt like he is saying her to fight and hold on; to accept her fate and just do what she wants to do and live. She remembered how she cried for the whole night that night. All her plans of ending everything melted like an ice melted under the heat of the sun. His voice and his song were so warm for her that night that it made her feel alive. She is alive today because of his song.

She learned to accept her life and her fate. She knows why she holds on; she realized that this is her life, a life not like others--- maybe this life is hard to bear and this life might be too difficult for her but this is her fate—and she would not give up now nor end everything, but instead, she would keep holding on and keep dreaming on. When she first heard this song, she cried litters of tears in her room. That night changed everything about her; that was the turning point of her life. His song made her fight and endure.  She thought she had the worst life in the world but knowing this--- maybe this is my fate—gave her strength to accept her life. Accepting things the way it is rather than going against it is what she learned for the first time. She felt freedom. She used to compare her life with others; she used to silently hate the life that she had and she used to wish to have the life of others. She thought it was better that way, to continue to be unhappy with the life given to her and to compare it with others and think how lucky they have to have a family with them, or the friends that they had or the great job that they work to everyday. All along, what’s wrong with her life is not about what’s missing in it but the kind of mindset that she had. Hearing him sing that song and knowing that he, the singer, also suffered the same thing as she had but chose to continue to fight and prosper on what he does make her also want to fight for what she has in her life. And tonight, in this island, inside her cottage, she got reminded again why she is traveling and going on to different places; to experience life without judgment and prejudice; without expectations and pressures; just being who she is in a place where she is accepted just the way she is. 

Maybe she can’t fly like others but she can keep moving on. Maybe she can’t touch the sky but she can keep moving on. That’s what the song is telling her. That is the hope that she has in this moment—to know more about herself and to experience life without limitations of her past. She understood that a great part of her personality now is a result of all accumulated experiences that she had; and she also understood that she can consciously undo all those attitude that she had acquired that became her weakness in the present. She wanted to trust people; she wanted to learn how to speak her mind; she wanted to experience life without fear and she wanted to know more about herself. That is the reason why she decided to leave work and travel. Maybe that’s the reason why she stayed in the island this long--- because she wanted to have a fresh start, a clean slate on her life. She is wide awake now, just like what the song is saying... Don’t cry, the song says. She wiped her tears away with a new determination. Nobody and no one can put her down anymore. She would face her fate head-on and she would become better, she promised. Listening to the sound of the sea waves with her favorite music calms her nerve. It’s the only song she played over and over again until she fell asleep. It is almost dawn.

She woke up early. Despite sleeping late last night, she still woke up early. The life in the island is like that: you sleep early and you wake up even before the sun rises. She had to prepare for the day. The fishermen usually come ashore from fishing early in the morning. There is nothing more refreshing than morning walk in the sand, fresh and salty air, and newly catch fish. She knows the people already. It is a small island with one church, one school building built from bamboo, few houses near the shore and one food bar for people like her. Her house is just few of the cottages   

(for rent) owned by the owner of the bar. It offers simple life for people that seek peaceful life out of the busy streets of the city. Electricity in the cottage is good only for one lamp, or radio and charging your phone and laptop (if you have any). In her case, she brought her phone (although she can’t use it in the island since there is no signal), her camera and her laptop. She uses her cam to capture the simple life of people, or the sunset, or the sunrise... Or the small crabs running in the sand or the children playing, so happy and carefree even though they have no gadgets. Seeing these things are refreshing for her. It reminded her of her distant childhood in the orphanage. She also learned the native tongue of people. Just few words so she can talk with them. On her free time, she volunteers in school to teach kids in reading, especially in English.

But today, her plan is just to spend her time in her favorite spot, and maybe fall asleep. She has nothing much to do today since it is Saturday. Saturday is family day for the local. They would spend time in their houses since the father or older brother spend most of their days fishing. She is in the island long enough to know and be attuned on the routine of the people. They would prepare on Sunday where their pastor, from another island, will visit. Women will be busy preparing the food for tomorrow. It is like a mini feast for them. They would get the best fish, sea foods, and fruits that are available in the island. They would put coconut milk and other spices and vegetables on the fish. It is their local's dish. She forgot the name but it definitely tastes good. She is looking forward to eat it every Sunday. The boats that bring supplies that the island needed (and sometimes visitors) arrived every Monday. The pastor and his companion usually leave on Monday. So for the whole Sunday, it is church celebration from dawn to evening. They would sing songs. She is sure it is Christian songs (she can’t say because she can't understand it) but the melody can pierce through your heart. She also observed that they are happiest on Sunday... Everyone would gather in the small church-- even the cottage owner. (She is a middle aged woman. She is kind and motherly.)

She can't tell where the owner from but she knows that she's not from this place. Her skin color (though becoming tan) is not the same color with the people in the island. They sometimes talk about nothing in particular. She found out that the owner has almost the same personality as her; quiet, reserved and almost never shares about her personal life. So, when they talk, it’s about things that are not quite personal, but she can tell that she is a warm person. One day, over breakfast in the bar (where the owner cooked their food), she found out how she (the owner) ended up in the island. (She once visited this place and fell in love with the island. The previous owner decided to leave the island for his families are now living in the city. So, she decided to buy the place right there and then.) She later on renovated the place and added five more cottages (total of eight now). The cottage is made of bamboo. It is small yet strong and sturdy. Inside, there's a small kitchenette with one small table (but in her cottage, she never used that kitchen since she loves to eat outside).Around the cottage is a mini fence made of bamboo as well. It is painted with different pastel colors (to add life and vibrant she explained while smiling) and two dwarf coconut in each corner. It has one room with a bamboo bed and a mini balcony where you can sit outside at night. It is small yet comfortable. She told her the reason why she loved the place—she loved the quiet ambience and the warmth of the people in the island. She felt like she belongs, she said. She understood what the owner is trying to say since she also felt that in here. In this place, she feels like she can hear herself and know herself more. It is in those rare times that they talk about personal things that she learned more about her life. And she understood where she is coming from since they are singing and dancing in the same melody in this life.

She must say that she loves the cottage that she rented. It is in the far end area. She likes the company of crickets and the cicadas, and the different insect sound at night, with the sound of the waves and the voice of her favorite song. But today, she will just spend her time on that spot near the beach, under the tree, sitting on a soft rock... She loves that place. It gives her serenity.

The cottage owner informed her the last time they saw each other that new visitors will occupy the cottages next to hers. There will be four of them in total, she said. Well, she hopes they will not disturb her peace, she thought to herself. She brought the basket with her food, water, and blanket. She also brought a book, her phone and her earphone. Her breakfast was prepared in the bar. The owner usually cooks her food or if she wants to cook, she usually goes to the bar and informs the owner that she will use the kitchen. Usually, the owner would just leave the bar unattended since she is her only customer. (One day, the owner told her that she can use the kitchen anytime she likes.)

While walking towards her spot, she saw the kids playing with the waves. When they saw her, they all smile and wave their hands calling, "hi teacher!". She is called as "teacher" in the island.

She waved and smiled back to the children and continued to walk slowly towards her spot. The strong wind is playing with her skirt making the sound of flapping clothes while the sun is trying to take a peek in the holes of her hat. She looks up while fixing her sunglasses, feeling the warmth of the sun on her face.

Today would be a good day, she thought to herself.