I fucked up so bad today

I don’t even entirely know what was wrong

I’m just so fucking done

So done ruining everything

So done being like this

I hate myself

Everyone does

These fucking tears mean nothing

No one cares about them

No one wants to wipe them

I tell people I’m not okay

Then I realise how stupid that is and take it back

But guess what

They saw it

Me saying I wasn’t okay

But once I decide to say it’s ‘nothing’

They just fucking go with it

Say good night and leave

You’re telling me they fucking care?

What a fucking joke

And look at me

As if I’m better

I’m here ranting

While I’m not the one whose actually not okay

I don’t want to be annoying

I don’t want to be an attention seeker

But why is it that I always act like this

I’m such a fucking bitch

How do I even change?

I’m too fucking afraid to die

But I don’t want to live

I don’t like myself

I really really don’t want to be like this

I felt like ripping my heart out

So I tried to

Bruises formed

But it didn’t help

Why didn’t it help?

How can I be like this

My bestie

Hell

In my eyes I’ve lost my right to call her my bestie

She’s probably hurting so much more

People like her so much more

Damn am I really fucking jealous of her right now?

How fucking shitty

I’m going to have to see her in school

After all I just fucking felt

I don’t have the right to be her friend anymore

I really really don’t

Have any right to ruin her life

By existing in it

How do I even fucking ignore her?

When I love her so much

I thought about telling her I hate her

But why would I even do that?

She doesn’t need more shit to think about

I said that people can survive without friends

So that’s it?

Do I just distance myself from everyone?

My bestie- goddamn it

It hurts when I call her that

Knowing my heart isn’t allowing me to

She has way more friends around

She’ll be fine

All my other ‘friends’ will be fine

I mean half of them only stick with me for her

But will I be able to survive?

No actually I don’t want to

But I want to get rid of this feeling

Any fear of death

Any hope for me

What do I even do?

With my fucking heart that’s so sensitive

It breaks at a simple ‘shut up’

And the fucking waterworks start again

Why am I even writing this

I know I could end it

Wait till everyone’s asleep

And then do it alone

I wouldn’t be found in enough time to be saved

But I’m too fucking scared

Why can’t I just do everyone a favour and do it?

Lmao I tried to think

That if I just focused on studies

Then I could easily live by

But in all honesty

I know that doesn’t mean shit

Even if I do

What after that?

Fucking even if I solve the mysteries of the universe

I would still cry myself to sleep

The point is gone

What do I even fucking do

Nothing has helped

Self harm didn’t even do shit

Well maybe I’ll rant out everything in this

Leave it here

And then die

Who am I kidding

I’m too much of a pussy to do that

Welll

What do I even write on here

I just poured my nonexistent heart out

Well maybe I should elaborate

On why everyone’s in the right for hating me

Well starting off

I’m literally a hoe

Hahaha

I definitely want male attention

And I’m pretty sure it’s disgusting

Like I should pick a struggle

Ugly

Stupid

Awkward or

Disgusting

Somehow I manage to do all of these at the same time

Isn’t that funny

Well while we’re on it

I’m an attention seeker too

Lmao just look at me

I’m saying all this shit

Why?

Obviously I must want attention

Why would I not just type this shit in the notes app or something

I just had to do it somewhere where people can see it

And when I tell people I don’t eat

Obviously they’d show concern

I should’ve just lied saying I did

Now that I think about it

Me not eating is probably attention seeking behaviour too

I know it concerns my family

It hurts them

They’re frustrated with it

Yet I don’t eat

Isn’t it that easy?

Do I really have to be a bitch in everything?

Ofc I do

I’m a fucking attention seeker

Haha

I just started laughing

It’s fucking hilarious

I’ll tell u

Bro something’s fucking wrong with me

Laughing at myself while I can’t stop crying

Well let’s see

The day was going good

Too fucking good

I was excited

Talking to everyone in class

Practically bouncing around

I talked so much to my well since I can’t call her bestie anymore let’s just call her my client

Fucking hell

I was yapping to her all day

She barely said a word back

That was probably a sign she wanted me to leave her the tf alone

But I’m so fucking clingy

And needy

Disgusting I swear to god

Well it was going a bit too well

I was actually thinking life wasn’t so bad

Fucking foolish of me I know

A guy I genuinely just wanted to be friends with

lol I want to be friends with everyone

It was his birthday

And he got a few toffees from teachers

And he gave me one

Then guess what

Same time

My probably fucking favourite teacher

Gave me one too

I was holding them giggling like a fucking weirdo

I thought I was making a new friend

Lmao I guess we all know by now

That bad people don’t deserve too much happiness

God agreed too much

Fucking hell

I can’t even type it

As if it’s even that big a deal

It’s practically fucking nothing

Such a pussy

Crying about such shit

It was my fault anyways

Well some teachers are strict

This one was

I forgot to bring my register

I took out a page from another register

She looked me and told me

Why am I fucking curling up like a bitch

It’s not even a big deal

Don’t say it if you don’t want to

Nobody’s listening

Nobody cares

What drama am I doing now

Uneven breathing? Fucking really?

Bitch

Well apparently the happiness had fucking infected my brain

I didn’t think to take another register and pretend it was my history one

Like other people did

Am I really mad rn about that? WTF? I wanted other people to go through the same thing I did

Well as I type this out

I’m realising more and more why it is people don’t like me

Haha bitch

What am I trembling now?

What is this a fucking how to get attention guide?

Lmao didn’t even write what happened

Well whatever

Not like anyone’s going to see this

Why am I avoiding writing about it?

It’s literally fucking nothing

Yet I still can’t bring myself too

What is this? Fucking trauma

Trauma from just being appropriately punished for what I did wrong?

Damn I really am hopeless

Stop fucking around

Just type it

Is it so hard for you to accept that?

Did I finally get a reality check?

Can’t accept my problems?

Well I’d gladly change every little detail about myself

I want to

Can I start over?

Fucking delusional too

Tell me what isn’t wrong with me

Haha

I’m so fucking pathetic

I’m so fucking tired

So damn tired

Let’s lay it out

I didn’t bring my register

She told me well in my sensitive ass heart scolded me saying where my register was

I say I’ll do it in the page and stick it

She says that’s not for me to decide

And she very clearly said to bring our registers

She tells me to get up from my seat and get out

Obviously I freeze for a bit

Then she’s likee just get out

I get up taking my register page so I could do the work thinking I’ll just stand outside the classroom

She tells me to leave it

To get out and go to the admin office

Get them to call my mother

And tell her to bring the fucking register to school

Now as shitty of a student I’ve been

Never has a teacher had to call my mother

Fucking hell

With my tears right now

I could probably solve any water shortage in the world

Why am I acting like this

There isn’t even anyone here to seek attention from

Why am I curling up

Breathing unevenly

Crying so fucking real

Like this shit actually hurt me

So feeling like I was fucking wasting the time of my classmates

I want out to the admin office

Bro they were talking with someone

I walked around so fucking uncomfortably

I did this weird fucking thing I read somewhere

To breathe in for 4secs and exhale for 8secs

Bro I couldn’t even do that properly

I finally mustered up the tiniest bit of courage

I’m a fucking coward I know

I barely started out saying that I had forgotten my

register

When he told me to talk to the other person in the

office and went off

I felt like a fucking idiot

Well I was

He’s like a main administrator

Why would he listen to this shit

So anyways after trying and failing that weird inhale exhale thingy

I finally said to the guy excuse me

And told him that I’d forgotten my history register and that the teacher had told me to go to the admin office and tell them to call my mother

He asked the teachers name

The way I fucking buffered

I couldn’t even tell him the name of my fucking teaher

Who had been teaching me for months

Well to be fair I sounded like I was on the verge of crying

Wtf does that even mean?

To be fair? lol go die

And I very much sounding like a fucking about to cry bitch told him my number

And he told me he’d call her and to go back to class

That’s what I did

I went to class

She said did you do the call or something like that and will she be bringing it

lol my memory of this is a bit hazy

I said that she wouldn’t be able to come she’s too busy

And she went in the most scoffish like she could

believe it loudly - did she say that?

And I went no I just know she’s busy

I guess then or before she was asked if the call

happened

And I told her that they would call her and they’d said I should go to class first

And she was so like scoffish and went- they? How many were there?

Obviously in a fucking broken voice I said just one

She told me to stand inside the classroom

Lean against the door or dance or whatever

Because I had nothing to do in the class anyways

I stood there and bro the feeling of shit was high

I thought that it was deserved which it most definitely was

I mean I hadn’t brought it she has full right to punish me

That was barely a punishment anyways

And also because the whole day I had been wayyy too happy

Excited just too much good

Bro I actually thought that yeah it was too good that’s why

So I just stood there

And with the shit I was feeling

I started ripping off the skin of my finger’s with my other finger’s nails

One layer was completely gone

And taking the easy way out

Instead of continuing

I just pressed my finger on the wound

I dunno what maybe the salts in my sweat or

something

But that stung like hell

When there were a few minutes of class left she just very uncaringly said I could go sit back down

Do I did without a word obviously

God forbid I said some stupid shit again and she said something back

Like genuinely I made up a fully realistic scenario that if I did say to her that like no need when she asked me to sit down she’s look at me with that offended look and say something like you want to keep standing?

Well thankfully we don’t know what happens next

because the bell rang and class over

Yay I guess