Thursday the 13th

today I feel like hurting someone I don't know why but I do. it's been about 15 minutes and my urge to see blood won't go away, in fact it's getting stronger, I'm going to go take some medicine to calm myself down. I took my medicine. my body hurts, I wonder why? why? why does my body always hurt? why am I in pain? what does pain feel like? am I in pain? I don't know. I'll never know. what is life? how? how did it begin? when did it begin? why did it begin? am I real? am I alive? dead? human even? what does it mean to be human? why can't I find the answers? are there answers? is there something out there that has the answers? is there a god? what is god? I don't know much. I don't know anything. I'm unsure. there are no answers. the only answer to a question is another question. right? I'm scared,at least I think I am. my heart is beating fast, my head hurts I can't stop moving, I can feel my blood rushing through my veins. I want hurt myself, I want to hurt others. the medicine isn't working. I'm looking around my room, I'm looking for something,but I don't know what. my shoulder is numb. I'm having a hard time typing. my throat hurts. if I yell will someone hear? I don't want them to. I want to yell as loud as I can for as long as I can. I feel sad. is that normal? am I normal? what is normal? I don't know. oh well. I'm going to take a nap for now.

wendsday the 19th

today was the first day of school, it was okay. I just HAD to start my period on the same day didn't I!!! ugh..... I feel like shit, someone help me please!!! I got this awesome new poster in my room, love it! my lil sis has my old teacher now, they grow up so fast. she just hit double digits, welcome to the club sis. I like venting in to this public diary. someone might give me some good advice soon, hopefully. I have post-it notes alllll over my room. I'm so bored right now, ughhhh.... I'm a go now Bros talk to y'all later.

Saturday the 22nd

****!!! ****. ****!!! fucking hell!!! dame it. I hate this!!! I fucking hate this. kill me..... I want to die. I... I don't know why I want to, I just do. I fucked up, at least I think I did. I have no idea what's going on. I hate myself.... it's too much. I can't. I'm stupid. I'm weak. I'm a nuisance. I'm wrong. I'm a mistake. I'm dead. I want to be dead. I'm alive. why? why am I like this? why is it like this? am I supposed to keep going? how do I even get through this? I'm angry. I'm sad. I'm.... I... what am I? I don't have a reason to feel what I feel. I don't have a reason to live. I try to die. I try, and I try, and I try. I don't try anymore. it means nothing. it is nothing I am nothing. I just whish that the fact that I'm nothing was more literal. I didn't try to kill my self for attention, I did it out of boredom, out of fear, and anger. I did it out of desperation, I did it because I thought it was the only way out. was I wrong? of course I was or they wouldn't yell at me, if I was right they wouldn't get angry, they wouldn't point out all my faults, they would have told me they loved me, told me I was their child, told me they would never hurt me. I want to be loved, and if I can't have that then I'll take the one thing everyone will have, death.

Sunday the 23rd

I'm so fucking sad all the time, like I'm just sad. it's like I don't have a reason to be sad I'm just, I'm just sad. I hate myself so much like I'm so fucking useless all the time, and I'm just a whiny bitch. I don't know why I'm alive but, I don't want to be. I just hate myself so much. and I want to change, I've tried to change, and like it just doesn't work for me. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. what am I doing? I'm just useless, I'm not good at anything. I'm not necessarily horrible at anything, and I'm just a really terrible average person, like I'm just a ****. I don't want to be here I don't want anything, but like I want a lot of shit though. I'm so selfish, I'm just self absorbed, and I don't pay attention to people around me, and I don't really know what's going on in my life. I'm just as angsty depressed fucking anxiety-filled teenager, and I don't know what to do about it like, do I just sit here and be myself and get judged for it. I did search for it for the answers. how do I react? I hate myself just so much freaking I just can't. I freaking just I hate myself so much I'm just a bitch. I don't know how to do anything. I'm just something that everybody hates, and I can change, I try to change, I do my best to change what I am. I'm just so useless, and can't do anything so I can't change. look at me, I'm just talking about myself not even about how happy I am, just how sad I am all the time. you must hate me, there's no one who's sitting here reading this thinking, wow, I really like this person. no I'm just I'm making everybody sad like why would anyone ever like me? sorry. whatever. bye.

Thursday 27th

I. feel. like. shit. ughhhh my arms hurttttttt. some one send help pls. I wanna sleep but I can't. mmmmmmm!!!! give me a second. sorry had to practice breathing so I didn't forget again. I'm hungry. should I get out of bed and get a snack or should I go straight to sleep??? If I go to sleep I'll wake up even hungrier but if I get a snack I'll have trouble getting comfortable again. **** it I'm hungry. it's 11:15 at night and I'm eating a gronala bar while typing this. what have I become? lmao. anyway I'm sleepy. good night.

Friday 29th

today has been a good day. at first it kinda sucked but I'm good now, I woke up from a nightmare. my period is done, my dog is sitting next to me, my brother gave me a kiss, and was copying me,it was adorable!!! I got my homework done, and I get to see my grandparents this weekend, I really really really really really really really love them soooo much!!! recently I've been doing small arm exercises and I've gotten stronger! haaaaa. todays weather is nice. my allergies aren't all that bad, just the occasional sniffles. it's wonderful. oh yeah I can whatch my favorite anime, I would tell you but I don't wanna get copy writed. 😂 ( it's about a highschool that teaches students to be heros ) anyway I'm gonna go play some games bye!!!