Those eyes….

I know them…

It’s him…

After so many years, My eyes finally got a glimpse of him. All my memories flashed back to all those years. My hands became cold. I feel…happy, my eyes feels blessed, my heart suddenly mess. I never thought I would see him again.

OUR EYES MET! He saw me too.

-Darling, Let’s go to that shop…

A lady came and wrapped his hands. He quickly swiftly away from our glances. The lady was holding a baby. He kind of showed off his baby and left my stare, holding the lady’s shoulder tightly. I stood there as if time had stopped, and all the pain that I had made numb woke up again.

“You cheated on me…”

My ears echoed.

………………………………………………..

My kid was throwing a big tantrum about a remote-controlled car. His dad said NO so now he is hugging my legs with all tears and screaming at the top of his lungs. Probably he is not gonna stop until we buy him that or give him a tight slap. I am not in the mood for either option. I just want some peace and enjoy this shopping trip.

It’s rare for my husband to bring me shopping as he is an extremely busy person. We never actually go out much. We have been sort of “happily married” couple for 5 years, blessed with a baby boy within a year of our marriage, he runs a successful automobile import-export company, is financially stable, and things come to me even before I can make a demand—yeah, everything is…perfect.

-Don’t you wanna buy anything?

I smiled at him and nodded no. I can’t think of anything I possibly need.

-Maybe makeup? New Jewelry?

I again nodded no with a soft smile. I really don’t need any of those. I have plenty.

-waaaaaaahhh…I want that car, want it, want it, want it…

My head was kind of hurting from all the noises. My husband gave him a smack on his head, which made the situation even worse. He is now lying on the floor, rolling and crying. I went out of the shop to let my ear a bit break.

That’s when I saw him. An encounter of 10 seconds maybe, but I stood there quietly for a couple of minutes.

-Momma…

I looked at my kid. In his hand, the remote control car he has been wanting.

-You are crying…Do you also want something mommy?

Am I? I quickly touched my cheeks. There is no tear. Why did he say such a weird thing?

-I can’t believe he is my son, He….hey…you…crying?

I felt a tight grip on my shoulder. He…never does that…well…sometimes does that…and…what does he mean by crying?

-Your eyes….are swell up…

Is it? I couldn’t answer him. I just stared at him blankly.

-Your hands are cold too…

He said, grabbing my fingers.

-Momma…I am sleepy…

I quickly squatted down to my boy. What a pretty face and eyes he has! I hugged him tightly. I can’t…I can’t think of someone else when I have such a beautiful baby boy. He is precious to me… more than anything in this world.

- Lemme carry him.

Saying that, he picked him up. My son fell asleep on his dad’s shoulder. We walked toward the escalator while my husband’s hand is still gripping my shoulder tightly. His palm is warm, enough to cover my shoulder.

-You still love him?

I stumbled, almost falling on my face. His hand is on my waist, stopping me from falling. I couldn’t look into his eyes. I am afraid he will read me.

-Or do you still hate me?

Hate him? No, I don’t. I simply don’t. He knows that. Once he makes me bore his child, I won’t hate him.

-Let’s have dinner together outside, shall we?

……………………………………………

-This brat literally cried nonstop only to fall asleep after getting what he wanted!

I smiled at his comment while patting my son gently. We are at a restaurant I never knew existed. It’s obvious I wouldn’t know, I don’t go outside much as most of the things I need are provided to me.

-Happy Anniversary…

I stared at him again…with confusion.

-But...it’s…not our anniversary…

I said with my low voice. I am sure he knows it…he never forgets it…His memory is sharper than a blade.

-It’s been 6 years since I saw you the first time.

He said with his deep voice and intense eyes. His half-golden eyes are glittering under the gorgeous chandelier light of the restaurant.

-Owh…I…I wouldn’t know that…I mean, you proposed to me a month before our marriage...

-Right.

He responded immediately. I stared at him for more to hear. Maybe a minute passed, with silence and stare. Nothing was coming out of our lips. I simply smiled at him softly to end the silence.

-Hey…

-Yeah…

He just continued his deep stare with a grin. I quickly looked away from his stare.

-Hey…Hey…Luna…

-Yes...

-Hey…Luna…

-Yes…

-Hey…

I finally looked at him again. His grins are no more there. The intensity of his eyes locked me again.

Our food arrived in front of us. I don’t know when he ordered. In fact, I am sure he never ordered in front of me. But still, here I am…looking at my favorite dishes.

- It’s…a bit too much food for me… I might waste\, don’t you think?

-Just eat them. You should look after your health. I try my best to not bother you with any work but still…here, you are all unhealthy.

I sighed and lifted the spoon.

……………………………………………………………

-Why didn’t you leave me when your mom died?

I was drying my hair as sleeping with wet hair triggers my migraine. My hands stopped when I heard his question. His hands are roaming around my waist and my wet hair. I took long enough to complete my shower, hoping he would be asleep by then. He didn’t. Now, my mind is completely blank and this question isn’t getting inside my head.

My sudden silence didn’t flinch him. He took the hair dryer from my hand and started drying my ends.

-Why ask suddenly?

I asked him.

-Our contract was “as long as your mom's treatment goes.” I thought you would leave me after that…

He leaned forward to me. His lips are hovering over my neck, nibbling.

- I didn’t stop you from going away\, did I?

His teeth are now grinding, making spots on my skin. His grip on my shoulders is stronger than before.

-Speechless, my doll?

He held my chin and started kissing me frantically. Kisses that are biting my lips, kisses that are choking me, kisses that are taking my soul. Soon, I was lying beneath him with my disarrayed clothes.

The love was made. It is made by us every night, to remind me that he is my husband, to remind me to whom I belong to, to remind me this is my life. He likes to say my name and makes me say his name while loving me.

 -Akash…

I lit a second cigarette while staring at her sleepy face. Her rose-like lips…calling someone else’s name. It’s not first time for me, I have seen her crying, giggling, and calling names a lot. But this name, It’s been a while. I thought I had successfully erased this name from her heart. She never called this name after our son was born.

My Luna, my wife and mother of my child. I love her. I love her a lot. I love her when she adores our child, I love her when she is all dolled up for me, I love her when she smiles softly at me, I love her when she looks at me with her brain turned off, I love her when her eyes are swell up and about to cry, I love her when she cries her heart out in the shower silently, I love her when she moans under me, I love her when she cries under me, I love her when I make her call my name every night.

I capture her lips with mine again. Maybe tonight I need to love her again, or maybe all night. If it’s not enough, I will do it until she stops calling someone else’s name.

-I…I am tired…

-I know my doll.

-Not again…Please…Please not again…

-My doll, Let’s have another baby.

Her eyes lit up…with fear. Her lips trembled. Maybe she is thinking of ways to prevent this, but deep down she knows, she knows if she tries even 100 ways, she will fall more into my traps.

-Say my name, my doll.

I grabbed her throat. Yes, I have forced her into this relationship. Yes, I forced her into this marriage. Yes, I don’t care whether she loved someone else. Yes, I will gladly turn the table so that everyone hates her. Because loving her is only my right. But before I leave this world, I want to leave my mark on her.

……………………………………………

-Sir…Mam has been calling your name subconsciously. Her fever is high again. The medicines are not working.

The head of the maid informed me. It’s been 3 days since she has had a high fever and she hasn't regained consciousness. Even if she opens her eyes, continuously she is vomiting. I called the doctor from time to time but the medicines are not working. I am unable to concentrate on anything. I yelled at the doctor. They said to admit her to a hospital which I am totally against. Admitting to the hospital means calling the death itself.

……………………………………………

-Zihan…

I opened my eyes hearing her voice. She opened her eyes!

-Luna…Luna…hey… it’s me…

I quickly hugged her. My heart sank hearing her voice after so many days. She holds me with a trembling hand.

-Ah! It hurts…

-It should. You were sick and unconscious for 5 days. I should punish you for that.

She didn’t reply. I entangled my legs with hers.

-Hey, won’t you ask me how I was these 5 days?

I said almost making myself a stupid baby who is craving attention. Her hands brushed my chest. She lost weight, almost weighing like a feather. She even looks breathtaking in this sick state.

-You couldn’t sleep, You didn’t shower properly, and you missed meals…

-If you knew it all why you didn’t wake up early?

She looked at me with disbelief and gave an insulting sigh. It annoyed me.

-I am sorry…

She said softly. I again pressed her inside my chest with more tighter hug.

-I will kill you…holding you like this.

She coughed as I pressed her too much.

-Just go to sleep…

-Raeed..

She grabbed my shirt with her delicate fingers.

-I saw a dream…a dream…where you were praying…

She said. I tried to disbelieve what she said. Everyone knows I am not a believer. I don’t believe in religion and all of this nonsense.

-I saw you were praying for me… you were calling my name in your munazaat, I followed your voice and woke up.

I surpassed my shocked face, tho it didn’t escape her eyes.

-You know that I don’t believe in all this…

-but…

She hesitated.

-Will it be okay if I believe your prayer got me here?

-and what makes you think that I prayed for you?

She clenched her heart.

-I saw you were saying to shift all my pain to you, and all your longevity to me.

I stayed silent, awestruck by all her words.

I sealed her lips with mine. I tried to make the kiss fierce, deep, intense. But I couldn’t. I am afraid I will hurt her again. I looked deep into her black eyes. To my shock, she pulled me closer to her and placed a kiss, deep with her love. I held her face pressing to mine. Her kiss made a longer impact. She usually never kisses me back. In fact, when I kiss her there is a seal that I can’t break. She doesn’t let me in. It’s like, I owned her, but there is still a barrier that I can’t cross until she lets me in.

I buried my face into the crook of her neck. She smells. She smells just like my wife, my love, my Luna.

My body relaxed suddenly. As if, something left my body and it released all the exhaustion. My eyes felt heavy. Yeah, that much drug she is to me, when I inhale it, I emerge into it and lose myself. I close my eyes holding her.

-How is Zihan?

I didn’t answer.

-Is he okay? Did he take his meal properly?

I still didn’t answer her. I layed on her with all my weight. She knows I am not asleep, but I am not in a mood to answer. She opened her eyes while calling our son's name. It’s bothering me a bit. I know it’s our son, but still…Her too much love to our son makes me jealous sometimes.

………………………………

When I opened my eyes I became clueless.

It’s midnight almost. I looked at her beneath my arms, she was fast asleep. Her other hand is on our son. I didn’t realize when he came and fell asleep here. I grabbed my phone to look at the time. It was, 2 AM! I slept for 12 hours straight! Damn!

I looked at both of them. The mother-son duo is sleeping deeply. The only sound is of saline dripping that is still attached to her hand. Her words are still ringing in my head, “I saw you were praying for me…”. It’s impossible to know. I did pray for her.

My wife is a strong believer to Allah. She wasn’t like this before. I wanted her to rely on me fully, to depend on me fully, so I gradually entrapped her in my home. But things somehow turned her into religion and all. Sometimes she used to cry all day sitting on the prayer mat. It used to bother me so much that I mocked her a lot. How can she share her feelings to a void!

I particularly didn’t pray for me. I don’t even know the proper way to pray. It’s just I become way too stupid and uncontrollable when it comes to her. I saw her gaze when he suddenly saw her past love. It burnt me. I lost control on myself. I felt like, if I hadn’t consumed her then and then, I will lost her.

She didn’t beg me much that night. She cried and swamped the pillow but didn’t beg me to stop, almost throwing herself to me for the punishment. Or maybe, she knew her begging and screaming wouldn’t bring any difference. She faced similar consequences before our son was born.

But… This time, I felt like this fever was eating her. She was slipping out of my hands. No antibiotics were working. Her body was resisting all types of antibiotics, and vomiting blood from time to time, I didn’t know what to do anymore. Spending money on doctors wasn’t bringing any luck as i could see her illness was becoming threatening every moment. As if…as if she is determined to leave this world behind.

So, I kneeled down…to the void she relies on the most. I begged her life in replace of mine, I begged her wellness in replace of mine.

-Raeed…

-Yes my doll.

I was sitting near her toes, placing an anklet on her.

-Wh-what are you doing…!

She hurriedly sat down as I kissed her ankle.

-R…Raeed… Are you okay?

I came near her.

-Yes my doll…

I cupped her cheeks. Her collarbones were visible, indicating how much weak she is now.

-How are you feeling?

She smiled softly.

-I…I am good.

She answered with her trembling voice.

-I didn’t mean to wake you up…

-Ah…No, It’s okay…I just happened to wake up suddenly.

She glanced at our boy placing a small pat on his head.

-I was…wondering…

-What?

-What would you name our second baby boy?

I pinched my eyebrows. A very sudden question that I wasn’t prepared for. A baby boy!

-I thought you always wanted a girl…

She again smiled softly.

-We can have a baby girl this time, I got my wish on our first one.

I said. She nodded her head.

-Bringing a girl…to this world, it would be so cruel thing to do with her.

I looked into her eyes.

-She will be my daughter, no one will be able to touch her.

She chuckled at my words.

-I don’t want my child to suffer in this world as a girl.

-You know ,you sound like the moms of Ayyam-e-Jahiliyya.

She smiled softly again.

-Why do you think moms at that time used to bury their newborn daughter immediately?

-Everyone knows they used to think that daughters were burdens and raising them would be nothing fruitful.

She cupped my face. Her delicate fingers are cold as ice.

-That’s what boys used to think, and that’s what history told us…

-What do you think then?

-A mother can never see her child’s sufferings you know, and raising a girl only to see that she will suffer the same luck as me, is the worst pain. A mom will gladly accept the sin of burying her child alive and then let her suffer in this world. At least, she will be safe, she won’t have to face men and their cruelty.

She leans on my shoulder. People change, I am now willing to give her a daughter but now, she doesn’t want one. While she used to be so fond of girl babies that even roadside babies were crazy for her.

-You hate me, Luna, isn’t it?

She didn’t raise her head. We stayed like that for a while.

-You hate me…I know.

-Hate! Nope…I don’t hate you…There is nothing to hate you. You love me, You take care of me, You gave me an amazing baby boy…Why would I even hate you when you don’t even give me a reason?

I gazed deeply into her black eyes. No matter how deep I try to search for my answers there is a blank.

-You are disappointed…

She stayed silent with an eye that had lost all its perspective.

-That I didn’t let you die this time. I cause you pain, then I am also the one who heals you. You hate this, I know.

She stared with all of the confusion and disbelief.

-It’s weird… I can’t understand your words.

I know. Cause right now, even I don’t know why I am saying all of this to her. She gave a long sigh!

-Nothing matters, right? I am staying with you…Isn’t it? Besides, We have a kid together now. I am all yours.

“I am all yours” The words were not filled with happiness. It is filled with loosing the identity of something. I should have been happy hearing all of these. I always wanted her to be mine. All of it. But why is it feel so wrong suddenly?

-It’s true, I always wanted you to be mine with body, with soul. But, I also want you to be happy with me.

Her eyes widened.

-Happy? Me?

-Why this shocking face?

-No…it’s just…I feel like you are a different person suddenly…

I laughed.

-I realized I never asked you, What was your dream?

I asked her. I never gave it a thought, but suddenly I feel like she should have a dream.

-Dream? What dream?

-Like…did you want to be an engineer? Or an artist?

Her eyes were as big as an apple. Most probably scared of my sudden questions and behaviors that are totally opposite of my nature.

-I…I don’t know….I forgot actually…

She started thinking.

-I wanted to be an artist…it’s true… I love colors and how they turn out with just a swatch. I actually had lots of dreams. Like, be a psychiatrist and help people, or run a successful side business, having a big house where I can see the mountains and the sea together…

-You have a big house tho…

-Do i?

-the house we live in…isn’t that big enough? Or do you want a bigger one… I can give you that…

-That’s…your house…

I stayed silent hearing her answer.

-It’s…not like that…uhmm… i mean…I do like that house…Infact I love it…i just happened to say like…you know…a house that i bought with my own money… and…like…I can do there whatever i want…I mean… you do…I..I shouldn’t have… said anything…

Her eyes were trembling with fear. I don’t know why…! Is this how much she fears me?

-What’s your dream now Luna?

-Now? Uhmm..well… I don’t think I have one…Maybe…watching my kid grow into an amazing man, have a successful life…and then, dying peacefully.

-Luna…

-Yes?

-In your dreams… Do I exist?

She flinched.

-Of…Of course…why ask that even? I am nothing without you…

This time I felt she answered genuinely.

- If I die will you cry for me?

-You…die? Why? I mean… why would you die before me?

-Just saying…Death is not something we can control…

-Then…I will pray..so that I die before you…

I looked into her eyes. She really said that with a serious tone, not like sympathy.

-Nah, If I die… Please fulfill all your dreams. Live your life fullest Luna. Don’t always wander around with this unhealthy body… and if possible do get married to the love of your life.

-Raeed…Is anything wrong? Do you want to share anything with me? Why are you acting so weird?

-Nothing…Just you sacred me, Luna, This time I felt I would lose you forever…

She wrapped me with her hands, burying my head inside her chest. I was immersed in her scent.

-You know, if someone loves a person, they will meet them in Jannah…

-Is it so?

-Yeah…People say that.

I stayed like that, closing my eyes, her fingers were playing with my hair. She likes playing with my hair.