Oh, I don’t like your face at all. Not because you’re not beautiful—there’s no reason for me to criticize that face. It’s just that your deep, dark eyes seem to weigh down on my shoulders, on my left chest. And to see you clearly, I have to take off my glasses so your image from a distance becomes blurry, as if you should just be a dream. An eternal dream in this dry heart of mine, one that should belong to illusions. Those things should best stay away from trying to invade reality. But now, I can’t breathe. I feel lost and don’t know what to do. After all this, I wish I could be blind. I don’t even understand why I think like that anymore. I long for it, for both you and me. You should sell your eyes, I should sell my heart.

_Hey, if you're alive, wink at me.

I mumbled and voiced the thing that’s been bothering me. Ri Haesong stared at me, his expression unchanged. It seemed like he was distracted. Still, Ri Haesong kept looking at me. He didn’t blink at all. It wasn’t until much later that he snapped out of it. The pot of soup was boiling loudly, and he slowly added the onions. I frowned. He still hadn’t turned down the heat or tasted the soup. The boiling water made me worry it would overflow and burn his hand.

_Stop lying to yourself, Hakaru. My life is over. Even if you want to add more seasoning to it, you can’t.

His voice was even, the clattering sounds in the kitchen ear-piercing, but suddenly, everything went silent. Outside, the bone-chilling cold wrapped around where we lived. Everything felt so stifling, there were no words left to describe it. Quickly, I walked closer to him. It felt like his figure had completely blended into the dense darkness. Ri Haesong took off his apron. For a brief moment, I could smell the scent of life leaving his body, replaced by a strong, unpleasant odor. I stood frozen, staring at him as if he were some strange creation.

_Aren’t you here to season the food? Why are you staring like that?

Haesong’s voice weakened, and I was afraid he wouldn’t even be able to finish his words. Suddenly, he pinched my hand painfully, and I winced. Right, maybe I wasn’t having some psychological issue. This definitely wasn’t a dream, I looked at him. Oh, my lover and my soulmate. This is real, and it’s never been an illusion. I love everything about him, except for the eyes that always make me uneasy. His dark pupils still followed every expression on my face. Ri Haesong sighed, his attitude and expressions unchanged in response to my confusion. Without me touching it, he grabbed the spice bottle and seasoned his dish. This image somehow reassured me, and a strange sense of relief washed over me. I said I didn’t need this heart anymore, that my left chest would be empty. I wanted to give my heart away, but to be honest, I should thank it. Thanks to it, I’ve learned what it’s like to feel moved, to feel something stir inside. Haesong stirred the soup, then turned to the fridge, inspecting the items he had bought before.

_Everyone has a muse in their life, don’t they?

That was the last thing I said before Ri Haesong staggered and started coughing up blood. In that moment, I vaguely smelled the scent of lilacs. I only knew that before I could react, he asked if I wanted meat or fried food for dinner, and that’s all. I rushed over, catching him as he fell. The fridge door was wide open, and the meat bag he was holding dropped to the floor. My heart skipped a beat. The strange floral scent hit my nose, and his face was covered in blood. I used my hand like a comb to push the messy hair sticking to his forehead aside, trying to fix his hair. Haesong’s pupils were filled with tears, and we both sat down on the floor. I sat behind him, seeing everything. His thin back and his pale neck. I wrapped my arms around his front, holding him tightly in case he fell forward. The floral scent gradually faded. I closed the fridge door, and the faint yellow light no longer shone on his hands. Haesongie leaned his head back, resting on my shoulder, breathing heavily. And I felt like I was about to stop breathing myself, I’ve never felt this scared before. I wiped the red stains on his face. We both looked so miserable and exhausted. I rubbed his pale, cold hand, blowing warmth onto it, kissing it for a long time. Eventually, this hand will turn to dust, won’t it?

_Don’t cry. As long as you live, I’ll give you life. Even if I have to share the rest of my life with you.

▪▪▪

Lately, I've been suffering from severe headaches, and I can’t sleep properly. I’ve tried to lull myself to sleep, but after a while, I have to wake up because of the feeling of missing a step. Even taking medicine to fall asleep doesn’t help. My heart aches with every beat, and every time I sleep, I dream of horrible, ghastly things. Sometimes, I have to rush to the bathroom to throw up, trying to expel that feeling from my throat—it’s truly disgusting. Ri Haesong, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to sleep at all. He sits at the corner of the bed, completely still. I don’t know what’s going on with him, and I have no idea what I’m going through either. After the incident in the kitchen, he became even more distant. His black eyes still haunt my mind, in a way that torments me more than anything. They drown me in an endless pit. When I look into those eyes, I feel like he devours me whole.

The trash can in the room is overflowing with paper, tissues he used to wipe his nose. Occasionally, I hear him cough weakly. I don’t know how I’ll live with this situation any longer. Ri Haesong seems ready to kick me out of his life at any moment. Gradually, my insomnia has gotten worse, and I often wake up in the middle of the night. I keep hearing those awful shrill sounds, the cries of agony echoing in my ears. They come from the other side, a world whose existence I no longer dare to touch. I know they’ve come to claim someone. And I’m the one standing in their way, blocking their path. For weeks, my life has revolved around him. Those black pupils lie on the bed, always watching me. His face remains unchanged, always rigid and cold.

Yet, Ri Haesong still evokes in me a kind of undefined pleasure. A pleasure found in creation. I want to immortalize him with my pen. I want to write about a lover from the other side, a perfect soulmate for the dry heart of a writer. I smile at myself as I think about the things I’m planning to write. How long has it been since I genuinely pursued art? What does genuine art even mean to me? Right now, it’s Haesongie, him. I suddenly remember the works I wrote in the past; they couldn’t even be considered literature. I remember those immature, disjointed sentences, and the cheap content I used to create. I feel ashamed of myself. Back then, I wrote for money. I chose the most mainstream topics, the ones most palatable to the masses. Looking back at those days when I struggled to write, it seems so contemptible now. The art I neglected, the time I wasted, it all turned into motivation now.

_Hey, I think I should really start taking writing seriously.

Ri Haesong turned his face toward me. Honestly, I’m not skilled enough to understand what he’s thinking. He furrowed his brows and closed the book in his hands without marking the page he had just read. Perhaps he was a little annoyed or suspicious of me. That alone made my emotions suddenly drop. I’ve never felt him be so distant from me before. All the ideas, everything I wanted to say, got stuck in my throat. Haesong has always cherished his books in my mind. He would never waste time looking for a passage he had already read. He would never carelessly toss his books around. The only books he ever placed neatly on the shelf were the ones I had written. Thinking of this, I was suddenly startled. Was I deceiving myself, or had he really already stopped being him?

_All of that is your choice. People always have a strong desire for their passions. You’re no different. Keep going.

He struggled to finish his sentence before pausing to catch his breath. I don’t know why, but seeing him like this, I felt even more fearful. Haesong was gradually finding it harder to speak properly. I bit my lip; I should be holding onto these memories carefully. I gently moved closer to him. Ri Haesong relaxed, closing his eyes tightly. No longer did his eyes pierce through my soul. He no longer had the strength to respond to my touch. Kneeling in front of his thighs, I felt life return to my chest. The heavy memories no longer bothered me. I took off my glasses, and this time, it was different from all the other times. I wouldn’t run away anymore, even though my vision had blurred. I kissed his cold lips and gently touched the bridge of his nose. That’s right, everyone in this world seeks happiness, wealth, passion, and the love of a muse they cherish.

▪▪▪

These days, the wind has started to blow colder, and the weather has become harsher. People seem to be getting lazier. Neither of us seem to have the energy to step outside. No one among us enjoys the biting cold. All day, I think about you, like a fleeting winter night—vague and cold. I’m in the process of building ideas, and I really should seriously consider restarting this crumbling career of mine. I need a breakthrough to help myself grow, to become a real writer. Re-reading all the works I’ve been proud of, the perfect art I’ve always chased. The extreme excitement when I read a beautiful passage forces me to pause and savor it. I love it. I feel like I’m living many different lives these days. In just two months, my emotions, personality, and perspective have changed drastically.

_If you go outside, remember to wear gloves and a warm coat.

Perhaps this feeling of happiness is just an illusion for me—once I wake up, everything will go back to how it was a month ago. But before life strikes back at me, I have to savor this feeling of affection. I cherish you so much. Haesongie still looks dazed, maybe because he hasn’t slept enough or just woke up. These days, he seems to crave sleep more than ever, and some days, no matter how much I pinch his cheek or shake him, he won’t get up. The worst was when he slept deeply, and I felt like his breath could stop at any moment. I shook him while crying. It felt like I was losing him. Only when Haesong woke up did I feel relieved.

_Stop crying. What if I really have to leave? What will you do then?

_Can you stop saying such unlucky things? Please, I’m begging you.

I broke down, crying even more. His purple pupils were now soaked with tears. In contrast, Haesong remained calm as if nothing had happened. He let me borrow his shoulder to sob, awkwardly comforting me. He patted my back, trying to calm my overwhelming emotions.

_Alright, no more crying. Don’t lean on me like that anymore.

Thinking back to that day and the look from Haesongie, I felt a bit embarrassed. I realized I was being childish. I shouldn’t have cried like that. Right after, I had to change him into a new shirt. I even noticed that Haesong complained of shoulder pain. My mind is so tense now; it’s becoming empty. I can’t think of anything else, though I feel like I’m in a very stable state. I’m sure I need to rest, but I feel bitter seeing that I haven’t written anything. Returning to Ri Haesong, he seems to want to fall back asleep. That’s when a sudden headache hit me. Everything that happened in the past two months doesn’t really seem to connect. I think back to that moment in the kitchen when Haesong said his life was over. Shouldn’t I stop deceiving myself? Did he forget that? Or has this flow of events pulled him along with me? He’s also deceiving himself, not just me.

_I don’t want to go outside much. I just want to go to that old park. The snow must have covered it by now.

His voice was getting smaller and smaller. Sometimes, when we’re together, I can’t even hear clearly what he’s saying. Thinking about the park... well, no. That’s how we referred to it, but in reality, it was a shabby amusement park. We used to go on dates there, sitting on the old swing that creaked. We exchanged strange, intense glances, read books, and ate together. The place was so quiet and peaceful. A fragment of memory suddenly flooded my mind. With that thought, I looked through the window. The snow was still falling. Maybe I won’t be able to fulfill his wish. Disheartened and sad, I sat back down. I looked at the pile of drafts, crossed out haphazardly. It was so messy that it hurt my eyes. I could only sigh. Ri Haesong sat up and looked at my creative ideas. He chuckled, probably amused by the rebellious taste from my younger years. That was something I had never abandoned. Even as I grew older, I kept that habit. He gently handled the rough paper. Haesongie was the first to read the works I was proud of.

_I’ll draw the cover for you, okay? And when the weather gets warmer, I want to go to that swing with you.

▪▪▪

_Go to the hospital? I’m begging you, don’t be cruel to your body like this anymore.

I no longer dream. I’ve escaped the false illusions of my own mind. Life has struck me with a painful blow, even more direct than I imagined. Haesongie, he looks so pale now. The first day from two months ago came rushing back, even worse than before. His eyes had completely lost their life, and even his hands had grown weak. He vomited blood more than ever. I once again deceived myself, thinking he was just sick. He needed the right treatment. Whether it was chemotherapy or something else, no matter how painful chemotherapy is.

I didn’t like his face. The deeper his eyes got, the more emotionless they seemed. North Korea, in these two months, suddenly felt like it never existed at all. Was I the one who was sick?

_We’re both fools. Hakaru, I’ve also deceived myself.

Ri Haesong smiled bitterly at me—and at himself too. The late winter cold wasn’t gentle, it had grown even more furious. The howling of the wind gnawed at me. A miserable life. My rebellious love affair, too. Now, I wanted to give it all away. My eyes, my heart—everything. I wasn’t sure how foolish I had been anymore. I bit down hard on his neck, our tears and his blood mixing together. Haesongie didn’t show any pain. He was just exhausted, lying on the bed. We kissed, though it was just me repeatedly pressing my lips to his. The salty taste spread through my mouth. Two months. I had cried so much. I hated him. I hated him so much, but he was still the only one for me. We were both fools, and I was the biggest fool of all.

Ri Haesong lay quietly on the bed, while I imprisoned myself in a painful inner struggle. Suddenly, he chuckled softly. He tried to sit up and kissed my hand, then curled back under the thick blanket.

_Hakaru, Hakaru… maybe I’ve cried. I need you so much, but my fate is over now. Our love is gone.

_Yaguchi Hakaru

The last time I heard him call my full name.

Before Haesongie blended into the dust, he called my name over and over. He said that he loved me more than he ever thought he could.