I am very disappointed. I have always been very enthusiastic about love. Furthermore I was so confident that my prince charming would come one day. I kept rejecting guys. I used to do everything I was told to do. They said that if I be a good girl, I will be highly rewarded. And I did. I studied really hard, I stopped talking to guys, I was very particular about my clothes that I won't wear anything revealing. But I didn't get a boyfriend. Rather people started seeing me as a boring person. I gradually lost all my friends. My studies kept getting worse. Even now. I always wanted to date an army officer. I had really high expectations. But I kept getting rejected, deceived, ghosted. As if it's very easy to misbehave with me. As if they know that I am too polite and won't make a scene. Guys are the worse. I really hope that someday all men will vanish from this world. No pain, nothing. Just vanish. I really spent all my life trying the apple of eye for men. I am too desperate. In the end, I only get treated like trash. I could never do the things I wanted. I wanted to be a good girl. I was told a good girl will get a good husband. My father pushed me to be conservative because according to him, it's unsafe for a girl to roam around freely, to mix with guys and also a question mark comes on her character. He used to get very angry even if he saw me talking to a guy when I was in high school. But all my friends got in a relationship since high school. Some broke up, but they found a new one as well. They also have jobs. They used to move around freely. People used to talk bad about them. But who remembers. Now they are well settled with their respective partners. And here Furthermore, I am. Lonely. Father passed away. It's quite ironical. You didn't let me date when I was of age. Now I can't find a guy. Most eligible guys are already in a relationship. The single ones are single for a reason. I keep getting played by them. There's no option left for me. I am 25. I feel so shame. I feel jealous. What has my life come to? I feel jealous when I see girls marrying their high school boyfriends. I don't even have a boyfriend. I really feel bad. I wanted a high fi boyfriend. Such that would burn everyone's eyes. But now I can't even find a good guy. That day a girl was flexing about her high school boyfriend who is an army officer now. So jealous. She is so lucky. Why can't I find such a guy. I give chances to really average guys and still get duped. They ghost me. Reject me. Sometimes start courting my friend.

They used to say that a good person gets good things. But now I see it is most difficult for a good person to get good things. I can't find a guy of my choice. I don't know why I was relying on Facebook for marriage. Every guy's account says single. But in reality no one is single. Subir is fine. I would love to marry him. But he smokes and drinks. Both these habits can be a problem for him and me in the future. Though future is uncertain. u can't tell what happens to who. even a non smoker or non drinker can have a big health issue. but I am hesitant. he doesn't live in Birnagar. I wanted to marry a guy of my area. but no guy wanted to date me after they got jobs. those guys who want a maid for a wife are approaching me. or those who can't find any other guy. those guys who no other girl talk to. I am quite under confident. and maybe that's prominent in my behaviour. because many guys have previously mentioned this. guys like confident women. and I am not that. I always wanted to date/marry a guy who works in the army. the body, hairstyle, discipline, something about it used to attract me. most of these guys would like a girl who can cook, take care of his family and the children. I tried to send friend request to too many guys. some accepted, some didn't. those who did, still didn't give me much importance. they wouldn't react to my posts or stories and not even view my stories. obviously they were not interested. I as a girl trying to persuade, chasing so many guys. it looks disgusting. and I don't even know what I am running after. I don't know what kind of guy that is. there can be many issues. it happened too many times that I persuaded a guy and later found out that he was problematic or not good enough. I either have very bad judgement, choice or I chase for the thrill and not a relationship. every time I chased a guy, I regretted. Ajay, Suman, Sajib, Pabitra, Biswajit, Iswar. I could have saved myself a lot of drama only if I had done nothing. I have bad choice. I chase below average guys, those who are sure to respond. and it's not always for relationship. it's for attention, validation. Opening a Facebook account was a big mistake. I did this because my friend told me. also I was looking for a particular guy who I thought was in love with me. this thought that someone likes me, loves me, dying to talk to me. this has ruined me a lot. I used to re open those online dating apps very frequently. this was my thought. that someone loves me, is missing me. I wish I had never opened this Facebook account. I wish there was only one guy in my life. I am so confused. I don't want any of them to be angry at me. it is a very bad thought. if I try to tell a guy that I can't date him, no matter how much I try to be nice, gentle, the more soft I become, the more aggressive they get.

I was always very timid. and I have always suffered because of this. no one was ever nice to me. the more you bear, the harder they get. subrata texted me. I wasn't replying at first. he made me reply. he kept constantly. I didn't say anything bad. and he stopped talking to me. I have always been very patient. I never got anything good out of it. men took advantage of this. they were always very harsh with me. he is not texting anymore. I don't know what I should do. why did he even text me the first time? if subir was living in Birnagar, I wouldn't have given it a second thought. but I really don't want to leave everything and go. I can't tell him this. he himself lives far away. what should I do? why did those guys propose me? I can't get them out of my mind. subir is nice. but I will literally have to leave everything. my hometown, parents, relatives, friends, nostalgia. everything. god. you really gave me what I wanted after such a long time. but you gave it in such a way that I can't take it. his dark skin tone. body of a soldier. haircut. he is even younger to me. I am really very sexually attracted to him. very very much. but he says he loves me, wants to marry me. I really don't want to make it exclusive yet. maybe I don't love him. But if I leave, he will hate me. this is the first time I have found someone like this. he is nice to me, loyal to me. but if I make it official, all the guys, sayan, rajib, maybe subrata, they will leave. they will say I have betrayed them. and then if something goes wrong with subir, I have no where to return. those guys will tell everyone. my image will be ruined. I wish subir was from Birnagar. other guys would know without me having to tell them. why did i send friend requests. every request I sent, I brought a problem for myself. I tried to befriend Suman. sayan came. I sent friend request to palash. subir came. I wish I had never sent a request to palash. god. I am so embarrassed. I feel so guilty. I always try to avoid attention. I wanted only one guy in my life. only guy friend, only bestfriend, only lover, only husband, only everything. I don't know why it keeps going the other way. there will be only one guy and I will have to reject the others. I am waiting for some divine intervention. am I crazy? why is it so messed up? god please help me get rid of this confusion. if something extreme happens, then you intervene, it's meaningless. I don't want to regret. please help me. he is obviously interested in me. now if I share sad post, it's a disrespect to him. all I think this is what attracts the players. A vulnerable girl.