Hello anxiety my old friend...

I am anxious? I don't know... About what or for what…

It's killing me both mentally and spiritually.

Am I sad? Am I depressed?

Well I don't know... May I am ...but am I? Really?

Am I scared?... Well I guess I am ...

I am scared of the uncertain future... I am scared of the time that is flowing now… I am scared of the past that happened... My deeds... My sins...

What am I doing now? ... wasting time?... But what am I supposed to do even?...

I am scared of being useless... Of being not enough... Of not trying harder... Of being a poor decision maker... Was my decision right?

Did I make the right decision? ....it doesn't feel right... Everything that is happening right now... Doesn't feel right... This is not the life I dreamt about... I planned in my head… I sketched in my heart... This is not the same...

Where did it go wrong? How can I change... How to make it right... How can I avoid the downfall.. Or am I already in the abyss ....or there is still a dark place for me to fall into...

Am I overthinking over a small matter... Is it a small matter?...

There is a continuous war of thoughts inside my head... How to stop them?... How can I make them stop...

They are blaming me... Accusing me... I am scared... Are they right?... Were my decisions wrong?.. Should I have chosen something else... Should I have stuck to those ...but i didn't want them ... I wanted something else.. So I... So ...was I wrong?

Should I have listened to my teacher and joined a private institution?.. He said he would help ....but ...but that costs a lot... A lot... What if after taking loans and all for four years I stay unemployed... The news said one student from there got a package of 1Cr.. But what about the rest... They take hundreds of students and from there very few get success... What if i am not among them... What if I am not able to network... I don't know many people in this field... No... I don't know anyone in particular... I was scared to put my parents' money ... their hard-earned in an uncertain place... And it's a lot for us... We survive with everyday earnings...

The drop year... it ended... What now?... Anxiously waiting for the result... Fucked up the national level test... And state level was also not so great... I know... How much I will get... And with that ...will i even get into any institutions? I don't know... I am so scared ....what if ...what if I mess up again... I am scared to even step out of my home... Let alone go to college... What if they judge me...

I am scared to leave my home... And I am even more scared to stay here... Being questioned every day... Being looked at with those eyes ...that makes me look like I am a kind of parasite leeching on their money... What am I even supposed to do?... I even give my earnings from tutoring on family's expenditure... I have many things to buy for myself, but I can't save ....before I know... My purse is already empty...

I am ...just sighing over and over and trying not to cry... But for how long would I be able to hold...

Will it get any better ... Will I be able to get any better...

The questions... The uncertainty... The future... Everything... Everything is making me feel something which I am trying to escape from ....

Thank you ... writing does make me feel a little better....