[Log: 1] The start of everything.

Hello

Welcome to my daily life post.

Hope you don't mind.

I've been sick lately, my throat hurt so bad and I cough so often that I'm ashame to even let out a sounds.

Fear not, I've been getting better lately... probably.

My fever isn't here anymore but my throat still hurts and I keep sneezing a lot, I think I'm catching a cold after my fever gone down.

If I get a nickel for everytime I got sick before the exam week then I'd have two nickels, which isn't much but it's weird that it happened twice.

You know... it obviously isn't pleasent to sit in the exam room with your throat hurt like hell, your nose dripping every 30 seconds and you can't stop yourself from coughing.

I might as well ended it here, these past few days I can't remember anything else but sickness.

Good luck.

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[Log: 2] A day

Hello again.

Nothing much happened today really.

I've join back online and talk with a friend of mine, gotta keep the relationship going if you want it to last.

I hope none of them forgot me, because I won't.

My mid-term exams is coming in 2 days and there's still so much things I need to do before I can actually study...

I need a month of rest to recharge my whole life.

If only school were 3 weeks of study, 1 weeks rest. Repeat.

It would be so great...

But tutoring and extra class might just ruined it.

I just wanna sleep and not remembering things I have to do tomorrow.

I'm so tired.

Gosh I miss the time when I was the fastest biker kid in my neighborhood... Elementary school.

I still remember that one time when there's a bunch of kids with bike(including me) forming a group near my house.

I don't remember what we talked about but I do remember me turning around, like riding my bike to turn around and they're just.. gone.

Actually, they run without me.

I rush the bike to catch up to them, there were only one person that I couldn't catch up to. She were older than with a bigger bike (wheel) too.

I think they mock me or something?

.... For years, I took that as my pride in knowing I could just out run all of them if it were fair.

And then I realize they were just purposely avoiding me.

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[Log: 3] Another Tuesday.

Hello yet again.

How's your day?

Good? Great!

Bad? .... Sorry for asking.

About my day, huh...

Well... I suppose there isn't anything way too cruel or traumatic happened this week. Not that I wanted it to happen or something.

Things have been going normally, so far it been alright.

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I don't know what will I do after everything.

I don't even know what do I want now.

I don't really have any hobbies in real life, no actually close friends that I could social on the weekends... I don't think I'll even want to. I probably will just took the day off to rest.

The one things I'm good at on the outside is my grade in English.

And that's because I consume most of media through English instead of my mother language.

I am not excellent, I am not out standing.

I cannot answer simple question such as "Hey, how do you study it?" or "Hey, do you ever do anything else besides study at home?"

I knew all along that I was a cut out paper who is just... there.

I tried, I did tried.

I try to talked, I try to go on walk during breaks with them, I tried to make up conversation about our surrounding... I...

I guess it kinda late now that everyone already have a deep connection with each other and I'm just stuck here...

Why? There is one girl that doesn't know them that well and yet still get along with them better than I do.

And she seems to hated me, not directly but obviously trying to cut me out. I can sense it.

I guess so, since she used to be my class rep last year. She watch me get isolated.

I wonder if she talked bad about me to anyone yet...

Let's just... let me forget this and go to sleep. It's so late again.

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[Log: 4] Calm

Hi, it's been a decent day so far.

My exams is delayed to next week because of a up coming storm.

I'll say I am... good with it.

Give me more time to prepare I suppose.

I don't have anything else today to talked about...

Hey, quick question.

How do people actually... remember so many topics to talk about?

Don't answer it if you can't figure it out too.

This log is such a mess... it's like 11 PM and i'm here typing on my phone thinking of what to say next to myself like what??

Okayyy I needa charge my phone it's on 19%

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[Log: 5] It's Friday

Hey...

I think I miss a day? I guess it won't matter much.

Today has been... alright.

I stayed at home most of the time.

Gotta rush to my teacher house for extra class because she decided it would be a nice day to prepare for exam.

She's looking out for us, I appreciated it.

She even cook me noodles when she knows I didn't eat breakfast yet.

Isn't she nice? She sure is.

......

I wonder if this is just my sicknesses still haven't going away yet or something else.

But I don't want to eat anything.

My mother keep telling me to eat more, so I can get well, stop being sick.

And it's true. it's right.

But it get so... ugh.

I don't feel like eating.

Foods that I used to like, eat a lot just feel... odd.

I just look at it and thinking "How many glass of water do I need to swallow this..."

If it weren't for the drinking I don't think I would be able to eat anything at all.

Is this bad? it probably is...

When will I get better... I can't just skipped breakfast like this. I need to get well soon.

Stop being stubborn and shove it down your throat damn it.

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It's going to turn into a 20+ plus container of logs isn't it?

[Log 6] First exam day

Heya, welcome ig.

Decided to write today log early in case I forget to later.

I just got back home, from my mid term English exam. Pretty chill.

Of course, I'm decent at the subject.

My school exams date are like:

Mon - English + two other subjects I don't take

Tue - Math & Computer Science + sm

Wed - Blank

Thu - Blank

Fri - Literature + Physics + Geography

Sat - History & Law and economics + sm

Yepp, I only have to take one exam today and it's my best subject so today is chill.

I am soooo not looking forward to Friday. It's going to be tiring.

Anyways, I think I have problem with remembering things or just straight up clumsy.

I legit cannot remember if I need to anything if it weren't write down in my notebook.

Also, I noticed that I always bump into things while walking... The others can just walk causally like a normal person and I'm just this girl who get her shirt stuck in the corner.

I guess I have always been clumsy.

I hated it. Why can't I just be normal?

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[Log 7] 5 PM

Hello again.

I took Math and Computer Science test today.

It suck. I checked the answer and can guess my score a 88% in math. It's not even 90%

I did like sh*t in Computer Science today, I couldn't do the writing part right.

I sit in the front so it hard to ask someone and I just try to do it by myself.

I should've study harder.

I should've...

Anyway, I'll just leave it here. I'm too upset to continue writing this.

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[Log 8] Night time

Hello, again.

Today's the first day of break from exam.

Arghh, I can't find my English exam paper to check it, where the heck did I even put it??

I looked EVERYWHERE.

Did I even bring it home with me?

Did I??

Ughh, can't believe it.

it's getting harder to sleep early at night.

I dunno why, I just couldn't put myself to sleep and when I finally do it at least past 10 PM already. Probably near 11 or something.

I'll try to find the paper again tomorrow, it gotta be somewhere. It can't just be gone like that.

See you.

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[Log 9] End of exam.

I'm... I'm freeeeeeee

Let's go babyyyyyyy

Ahem, anyway.

Today is the end of my exam week and I'm so happy about it, yasss.

Wait, f*** Do I have extra study class tomorrow morning? I forgot. Bruh.

... I'll check it later.

I'm supposed to be at school watching some show & performances and cheering for my classmates rn. It's a show at my school that every class take place.

But here I am, at my house not giving a ****.

I wonder if my class are having fun rn. They should.

I'm missing out rn huh... I don't care, it's not like I can do anything anyways. Besides, I'm just gonna be standing alone in the crowd or sm. Don't want that, I hated that feeling.

Maybe I should've go. Maybe I should've be my active with my class.

Ugh, I don't care, I don't need to care about it. It just a normal day anyway, it's nothing special.

I'm not missing anything.

Hopefully.

..... Bye, see you soon.

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[Log 10] Teacher's Day

(⚠️Warning: Vent.)

Hey again.

Well... I haven't post anything for like 4 days cause there been a storm in my country(yes, it take storm frequently) and it just been raining a lot these day.

Today's teacher day in my country, teacher is usually getting gift from students in this day.

But since this year it rain a lot so it's dangerous for students to go to school so we have a few days off ^^

After exam week too, how convenient. I've been enjoying it so far.

Y'know... since our school anniversary can't continue and students gotta stay at home. My classmates decided to throw a party at our main teacher house.

I honestly don't want to go that much, but since it's a class activity I figure it's best that I go.

So, I asked on the group that was make to plan about this day.

"Hey, what time should we go to the teacher house?"

9 people see the message, no one answered.

Right now it's 5:30 PM, I checked the message like 20 minutes before.

On one of my extra class group, one of my classmates asked to be absent.

To go to the party of course.

She sent the message along with a picture of my teacher with her child. At 16:30 PM.

My messages? No answer, the group that was make for the day got no answer.

Where did they agree on the time? which group was it?

Why didn't they tell me? All the people I know or at least interactive more, none of them message me a single thing.

That's how f***ing forgotten I am, okay?

Honestly? This is exactly why I don't want to go in the first place.

I mean, it's not like I blame them or something. It's high school, everyone gotta at least know a friend or two. Unlike me, who clearly doesn't know anybody.

They didn't try to be mean, I'm sure. They just simply... they just simply forgot that I even exist.

I feel... sad. A little sad.

Of course I would be sad, I'm "allow" to be sad about this.

But it's not hurt, well at least not too much. maybe just a little.

What did I even do to deserve this?

Oh right, nothing. I didn't do anything to be consider a close friend to anyone.

I am such a social jinx.

Ha, Daily log chapter 2 is going to be a funnn ride.

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Ha... ha hahahaha.

I said I'm not that hurt but...

Jeez, I'm crying right now. I hated this feeling, I hated the feeling of not belonging to anything.

The message that I sent to asked about the time? I deleted it. I deleted it so it wouldn't even exist, just like I am.

Maybe I'm just being emotional, maybe it's just a small group of my class.

.... Pfft, stop lying to yourself. You know damn well they simply don't care about you at all, why even try to bother?

You can skip log 11, it's long and full of nonsense. I warn ya.

[Log 11] Setting out class time

Heya, welcome.

(This is going to be purely rambling, about a very unnecessary stuff.)

Hm, our school gotta make up class because last week was off due to storm, sooo school on Saturday I guess.

There's two extra class (basically pay-class) that I have on Saturday and both of them have to reschedule the time.

And Sunday morning was chosen.

But y'know. I get both of my classes to be on both time where I can go to both without them overlapping each other.

But then one of the girl in Math class goes "but I have English class at 8:30, can we switch the time to 7:00?"

Our English class, which has the same teacher but just different groups.

Well, mine has me, another girl and boy. So our math teacher didn't switch it.

So what did she do?

She asked the English teacher to switch her group to 7:00, and the teacher did.

Because her group was switch, mine is being pushed to 8:30 which would overlap the math class.

So I ask my English teacher to switch it back, she asked if I could ask the math teacher to switch because she only switch for the students.

So I have to go and asked the math teacher to switch, which overlap with her class.

Of course she didn't want it, and said her class (name's A1) can't go to math after I said that it was gonna overlap with mine and 2 other people.

I feel... mad. Of course, she gotta do something for herself but pal, I need the **** class, okay?

But luckily, one of my classmates in the English class speak up and said he, and a couple more people have math class at that time so they can't switch.

And since I was already talking about it with her, and now other can't do it too.

She said she'll shoo the other class, and we ended up lock in on 7:00

So English class done, now math.

So after the time on English class was locked and she.. let's call her T

T can't switch the time anymore, she deleted her previous one which asked the class to be at 8:30 since her English class was at 8:30

And our dear math teacher, who is the one so nice she cooked noodles for me to eat breakfast that I talked about in a previous log.

Asked, "What time are you guy not busy? 7:00 or 8:30? I'm fine with both."

T said 7:00 first, and I said 8:30.

Of course, I gotta message both of the teacher private to well...

first, show how complicate it is for me to get "the other teacher" to switch the time.

Second, "The time I suggest is the best time, you should reallyyy choose it, there's probably no better time." type of message, obviously not directly, but there's hint.

After awhile, finally it locked on 8:30

Oh dear goodness, Im gonna cryyyy.

Still, after everything finally done.

The OTHER members decided to jump in and goes, "can we go at 7:00 too? I have class at 8:30"

My math teacher said T can go at 7:00 alone while the others go at 8:30

Well, they watch me and T arguing by the side to the end and now finally speak tf up? Why tf didn't they said that earlier so I can keep the English class at 8:30? like why?? Why?? Seriously.

I meannn, The English class still probably gotta be switch back cuz there's still other ppl who busy as well.

At least my math teacher still keep the main time at 8:30, love her for it.

It's probably the best outcome that I could get, so I'll take it.

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[Log 12] Sunday Night

Hello, nice to see you again.

....

i don't want tomorrow to come. Monday again, and again, and again, and again.

Deadline hovering around yet never fully done. New one always come before I could do the previous one.

Sometimes, I feel the urge to puke everything in my stomach out even though I don't have anything in it.

Sometimes, I looked at the stairs and wonder if I could just throw myself down there and get a few more day off.

... Doing that at the school stairs wouldn't be a good idea, it won't do much on my body besides hurting like hell but no actually seriously injury.

Sometimes, I feel like my voices isn't heard and that people are purposely ignoring me. They did turn when I called their name out loud but ignore and not answering what I asked or said to them.

Instead, they talk or laugh with someone else close by.

I asked first, you know? Can't you show a little basic respect for me?

it the topic I'm talking about boring? is it boredom to you??

.... Good night.

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[Log 13] Deadline

Jeez, I have way too much deadline that I need to do and I just couldn't get it done. UGH.

Fck it, I'm so tired I can't be bother to gaf about ts anymore.

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[Log 14] Song's

Hi, today's just a song. Hopefully.

Come along, down, with us...

You're not alone, you can see.

We children, we have each other... And each other is, all we need.

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If you actually come here to read me vent for fun, here you go.

[Log 15] A Burden Child.

*Scratching some papers...*

... Oh hey, nice seeing you again.

Welcome back I suppose? How's your days lately?

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Mine? I hated it. As always.

My exam results is back, most are above 80% expect for 2 which has 65% and 75%

Still passing grade though, all good. In someone else's eyes.

I've gotten tired of anything and everything around me, Math became dizzy to me and English, which used to be my favorite, I love it with a passion since I was in middle school or elementary? Because I want to enjoy English show, music, comics, novels, games, and other things. I've grown to see it as nothing but opportunity. Opportunity to be noticed, to be great at something than everybody else, something only I know of.

I didn't feel like studying it because I liked it anymore, I need to do it because it meant my personality. My characteristics.

*Sighs*

Well, because I was quite overwhelming. I got distracted from the "real world" and got online way too much lately, which clearly catch my parents attention.

Shouldn't have de-stress that much...

My mother told me to stop doing those things. "Playing games"

"If you were going to watch something, watch the adults stuff. What are people doing now to make money, career choices,..." (Stop.)

"You're in highschool, use your 3 years to prepare and stop playing these things, it'll only make you become a child, Grow up." (Stop it.)

"Me and your father would rather d** early than seeing you locked up playing games." (... just shut up.)

"I have you late." (...is it my fault?)

"My friends are already having grandchildren." (I don't want to have kids.)

"Stop being a child and learn to grow up." (I don't want to.)

"How are you going to live far away from us like this-?" (STOP IT.)

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At first, I thought it was because of my grade, I just need to do better.

But it was more than that.

My lack of social skills, quick thinking, laziness, forgetful, slow, ugly, dumb,... even my height were concerning my parents because I was too short for my age.

I.. can't I just be a child a little more? Even if I'm older, I'm still your child aren't I?

Can I scream loudly and you just mask it as being "kids" and not because "there's something wrong with you"? Please?

I'm still your child. So why. Why...?

Why does your caring so hurtful?

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Notes:

At first, I was planning on writing a note each day to fully capture my emotions change. But I can't be bother so... The notes at the end like this is heavily depending on the last day mood.

... I bet she'll never notice that I was crying.

Adding note at end would ruin the mood while reading, but hey? If not, what's the difference between reading the post and the chapter that I specifically organize? Of course there's a different.

I wish I could tell her that I didn't ask to be her child. I never ask to be born at all. She chose this burden to be her life, she and my father choose to ruin their life together.

Go, d** early for all I care. I'll sell every single things left and use it to travel and take care of animals. After all that left? I'll visit her grave and find somewhere to lay down forever.

*Her: My friend online, who's older than me. No, she's not dead, it's hard to explain, but it's in one of my past post.

Oh, don't be surprise by the change in mood. Sure, the notes and the last log were only minutes sperated but my emotional ride is on another feelings.