" What should I write about? " I questioned myself in a low voice. Low enough for only me to hear. I have no clue what was going through my head when I decided to slap myself right across the face. There is a kahawat in Hindi ' Apne pair par khud kulhari maarna ', and I had first-hand experience of that. Accepting such a challenge. My mother really closed all the doors that I could use to get away from this (which feels more like a threat). " Finish writing a full-length novel in one week, and then you'll have a say in this" were her exact words. Am I crazy? I definitely am. Who in their right mind will accept such a challenge put forward by a renowned author, Mrs. Pranima Lama, who has written almost 10 bestsellers and is known as" The White Tulip" of India. Why? Because her novels hold that ability to entrance people and captivate their mind. The purity and innocence is so well portrayed in all her work. These aren't my words, these are the words of a famous singer Selena Gomez.

This isn't the point here. The point is, how can I survive this crisis with zero loss?

Should I pretend to have gotten in an accident and my right hand got paralyzed, so I can't write the novel now? No way, with my poor acting skills, she'll drown me in the swimming pool without batting an eyelid. Should I disappear somewhere for now? Hell no, she'll go to the police station thinking I got kidnapped and when she finds out that I did so on purpose, she'll bury me under our own garden and plant vegetables on my grave. What am I supposed to do????

All I can do at this time is cry on how foolish I was and try to come up with a solution.

I was roughly scratching my head that my hair became a total mess. I mumbled" even dying seems easier now." Just when I was in deep agony," here" the heavy tray containing coffee and snacks was put on my head and since my head was closer to the table, caught off guard, my head banged on it. " Your coffee, snacks and the book that you asked for" he sat beside me. When I raised my head, there was a bump on my forehead. His eyes stayed on that bump as he giggled. His eyes slowly shifted towards the sheets I was trying so hard to hide. He laughed" what are you even hiding that blank sheet for ?" I sighed. This idiot was the guy I've liked all my teenage years and even now. Dev Pradhan, we have been friends since class 4. He was the first friend I made. He had always been that aloof guy of the class. Just like in all of those romance novels I had been reading at that time. I thought that maybe after sometime he'll fall for me as well, but maybe I was wrong. We're in class 11 right now, and he's still oblivious of how I feel for him.

" so, how does it feel? Losing even before trying hard." i gave him a disdainful look "cut the chase, who said I've given up?" He sighed " I've known you for years Sukriti, I know you more than you know yourself." His words stung in my heart. " are you sure about that? " I asked with sarcasm. He has always grasped any difference in me. Doesn't matter emotional or physical. it's ironic how he gets everything except the matters regarding heart. He understands my eyes but never my feelings for him.

He looked deep into my eyes. " If you may allow me to, I would like to give you an advice." " NO!" I replied so loud that all the other people in the internet café started looking our way. I buried my face on the blank sheets. Hiding my face out of embarrassment. He sighed" at least listen to what I have to say, it's a great oppur-" I cut him mid-sentence" did you not hear what I said or are you purposely trying to ignore ??" I knew what he wanted to say. All these years being friends, did he think I did not understand him? I knew him all too well. " Once I agree with mom, I'll go to Bangalore for further studies. I won't return for almost 5 years. Does it really not affect you at all?? Do you really not care even a tiny bit?" his silence was too loud. It said more than his words could ever make me understand. At that time, I realized fully that he will never reciprocate the feelings I have for him. I wanted to save even the tiniest bit of self-respect I had left on me. After two minutes, I picked up the sheets, put it in my bag and got up. Before turning to leave, I glanced at his still face that had no intention to stop me. A mocking smirk left my mouth. I retrieved my glance and left without turning back. When I reached my car door, I looked back to realize what I knew would happen. He was nowhere to be seen. I bet he did not even get up from his chair. He must be really happy that such a pest has finally left his shadow. I opened the door and pulled the seat belt. Finally the strong and nonchalant expression I had on my face broke. Tears started trickling from my eyes. For half an hour, I stayed there, motionless.

After venting all my emotions out, I started the engine and left. Leaving everything about him behind. Leaving him behind like he never existed for me (that is just to say, I know I might never forget him).

Dev knew what the outcome would have been for his silence. He wasn't surprised to see that Sukriti left. Yet, there was a part of him that started hurting. His gaze stayed on the chair she was sitting on. Then slowly moved to the door se walked off from. His vision became blurry. When he rubbed his eyes, he was surprised to see that his fingers contained something warm and almost like water. " what the hell " he was surprised to see tears on his fingers. after wiping his eyes, he took the book Sukriti did not take with her and got up from his chair. After paying the bill he took tiny steps toward the door. He was scared that if he found sukriti still behind that door, he might walk towards her and ask her to never leave. His hands trembled when he held the door. Taking a deep breath, he opened the door. His gaze moved from the people to the vehicles. There was no sign of her. He smiled that did not reach his eyes. His eyes were filled with sorrow. " it's for the best. Go far away from me. Make it easier for you as well as for me to live. "

The road that used to give me warmth now feels haunting. I remember Dev and I driving off here whenever things felt heavy. How he always cheered me up. How he looked at me as if I was the only one in those eyes.

"This feels terrible." turning up the music, I drive slowly to take in everything about this place maybe for last time. The lyrics go like :

Tum kabhi na kahoge, kyu na hum hi ye bol de

" Damn it!" seriously?????

" Aaya na tu" by Arjun Kanungo, Kunaal Vermaa, and Momina Mustehsan ‧

Why is it that everything has to remind me of what I was going through. This scenery, this car, this music. Why?? Can't you just let me be and at least help me to forget all about it even if it's for 10 minutes but no!

The female line comes up, and I find myself singing along.

...Socha tha agar main milungi tujhe...

...Mere dil ki baate kahungi tujhe...

...Shayad tu badi dur hai jaa chuka...

...Mai akeli reh gyi, na jaane tu kaha kho gaya...

Can this get any more real?

I started tearing up as I sing along.

...Jaate jaate tu mur k fir dekh le...

...Dil kehta hai fir ek dafa dhund le...

...Aayegi kabhi wo yahi lautke...

...Hu yahi mai ho-o-o-o-o-o...

...Magar aaya na tu...

...Aaya na tu........

...****************...

...I finally reach her door. The only person I could think of through all this chaos in my head. I knock on her door. An almost desperate one. Before even fully opening, I hug her like my life depends on it. " Tripti why can't he just love me? Why do I have to break this already broken heart by the same person again, and again!?" I just couldn't take it anymore. She pulled me in and closed the door behind. She just stood there soothing me and calming me down as I let everything out of my chest. " It's okay babe, he's just trash. You're so much more outstanding than this." yes. She's right. I'm so much more than this crying....

Tripti has been my best friend ever since my family moved to West Bengal. We've gone to the same school and it's been 3 years since we became besties. I can't believe I've lived so many years of my life without her. She has always been my greatest supporter and someone I don't feel ashamed to share anything about me at all. Even if she scolds me, I know she's doing it for my own good.

" When I told you to block him from everywhere, I meant even from your life." she said as I calmed down. " He's a trash, and I've been telling you this for a long time. He's not worth your efforts' girl f*ck him off!" I look into her eyes. I know she means well for me, but it's easier said than done to stop liking someone. " I know" I say, my eyes held down. " You know?????" her anger was visible on her face. " What the f*ck do you even know? He brought a girl on your last birthday and acted so intimate with her, just to instigate you. Before that, he took another girl to your house for dinner and that girl was such a b*tch acting like a f*cking menace. WTF did she mean by * sister (calling sukriti sister) I'm sorry, he was late because of me. I sulked that I wanted to have an ice cream before leaving, and he went to buy one for me* literally trying to flaunt that shabby piece of sh*t. And who even called her??? It was a family dinner, and she was a freaking nobody. What the hell!!!! And don't you remember last chr-"" alright I got it this time for real I swear." I couldn't hear it anymore. My eyes went bloodshot. It pained so much. I wish I could let go of him like I never wanted to hold his hands and promise my forever to him.

I wish I could let him go like I never loved him.