Trigger warning: Sexual Violence

My first thought of dreaming was that dreams never come true, but what if I can tell you otherwise.

10 years ago.

It was dark then there was a little bit of light and there I saw a naked man standing in a corner of a room I didn't recognize. It was one of my friends. His blond hair waved before his face and when he blow his hair up I saw his blue eyes peering in mine. My heart went crazy. It was like it would come out of my chest. He came closer and tried to kiss me. I tried to push him away, but he was stronger. I was so scared. I was still a virgin at 17 years old and I was not ready to have s**. I tried to scream and yell, but I heard no sound coming over my lips. So nobody could come to my rescue.

When I looked down at my body I felt more scared. I was naked? How could that be? Ik had al pyama on just before I went to bed. Scared, I tried to give him the knee in his middle, but he didn't move an inch. I yelled when he pulled me in something that felt like a bed, but that corner of the room it was to dark to see. Then I felt that he put his d*** inside of me. It hurted so much and I didn't feel the strength to move. I couldn't do anything. His face became a blur and I yelled more. It only hurted and there was nothing fun about it. I was just not ready. He was r***** me and I wanted it to be done. I hoped the torture would be done soon. Ik tried to find strength to push him away put I was just to weak.

Then I heard a sound that didn't come from this world.

What is that? my alarm? I thought

I didn't know where it came from.

Opening my eyes I saw the blue walls of my room. My body was pounting up and down and my sweat was dripping eveywhere of my body. It was like I couldn't breath. I turned around scared that I would be hold back by an arm. Lucky I was that it was not the case. Still it had felt so real and it scared me. I have a boyfriend why would I dream of being r**** by a friend? I didn't want to go out of bed yet. I needed to come and when It felt a bit better In went to my closet and unlocked my grey box and grapped my dream dairy out of it. Ik sat down on my bed and started writing.

While I was writing I felt still shaky and I couldn't believe that one dream could make me so scared.

My dairy was a save place I could feel at ease and we're no eyes could see it.

When I was done writing I hid my diary back in my closet in the big grey box and locked it. That way nobody could read it. Also In had that key always with me, so nobody couldn't unlock the box out of curosity.

I heard a Knock on the door. "Are you a wake?" I heard my moms sleepy voice and she yawned in between the words.

"Yes mom, I am almost ready."

My voice sounding still a little shaky, but my mom didn't pay any attantion to it. Sometimes it seemed she didn't care, but I knew she cared and that she worried way to much.

I showered the evening before, so I just put on a jeans and a T-shirt and a thin blazer. It was september, but not that cold. Still we came closer to autumn. The days would became shorter and also more dark.

Thinking of the dark days brought my thoughts back to the dream.

I felt a cold shiver going through my body. It dragged me back in a dark place and I didn't want to go to school.

I had to, but I felt so scared.

One good thing Is would see my boyfriend back.

I could try to play sick, but my mom would probably see through it.

Seeing the door going open I saw my moms face peecking inside. "Everything ok? You seem a bit fluched."

"Mom don't worry. I am fine. Just had a bad dream that's all."

"You know you can tell me everything right?"

"You don't have to worry. I am fine." I tried to a sure my mom. Still she was doubting my words, but she just let it be.

She left my room and I put my socks on and went next to my room into the bathroom. And brushed my teeth and put my brown hair in a pony tail.

Downstairs my mom was sitting at the table making my lunch.

I felt a bit old for that but then I had to wake up more early. I know I was al bit selfish seeing it that way, but that was sometimes just me. Still I loved my mom and she loved me too.

My dad would never do those things. He was so agressive all the time. I was also a bit scared of him.

My mom gave me my lunch and I thanked her for making my it.

I put it in my bag and said, "Bye mom see you this evening."

It was still dark while driving with my bike to the train station. It was a bit colder then I imagned it would be. While I was driving my dream came back. Suddenly it felt even more cold then before. I had the feeling someone was following me, but that I probably was in my mind. I looked around, but no one was in my direct area where I was standing. When I heard the birds singing their song in the trees the fear ebbed away and I felt more in peace.

The school hours had ticked away faster then I thought. The last bell signal of the dat went. Nothing special had happened. I just tried to avoid the friend that I had dreamed about. That had been my main goal today. I think and hoped he didn't notice it. Just before I wanted to go outside I felt a finger on my shoulders. I turned around and I saw two blue eyes pearce in my eyes.

"Why did you avoid me the whole dat."

Sh** he did notice. I thought by myself.

I tried to stay calm and I awnsered calm.

"Did I? Let's walk to the bus together. I hoped he wouldn't notice how tence I was.

"Let's wait till Stefan is here."

Alexander nodded and we stood there waiting and then I saw a talk Guy Brown skin and black hair coming out of the building. That was Stefan. I ran to him and kissed him on the lips. I felt at ease and way calmer then before.

Let's go together to the bus with Alexander. I know Stefan wasn't a big fan of him, but Stefan did it to make me happy. He was a really nice guy and he made me happy. That was important to me and I tried to do the same.

Sometimes I thought he was to kind for me. Just like right now. I sometimes felt horrible about it.

We walked to the bus station and talked a bit about how our days had been. Of course I couldn't tell about avoiding Alexander and for what reason that was. I would tell Stefan later. I hoped he would let me feel even more at ease again then now.

Alexander got in his bus and Stefan and my bus came almost directly after. We hopped on and find a seat we could cuddle on. I loved to be in his arms. I wanted to tell him about my dream, but would he be fine with it I didn't know. Maybe it was best to let it go and don't tell him about it. On one side it felt a bad idea but the other side told me it would be ok to keep it for myself. The disicion was made I would keep it to myself.

"Hey everything ok? You seem a bit tense."

I tried to focus on my Breathing and said. "Don't worry, I am fine." I kissed him go convince him of what I said. He kissed me back with passion and I know he trusted what I had told him.

That evening when It came home I felt like a traitor for not telling about my dream to Stefan. It didn't feel good. I deffinetly tell him another way, bit how?

I put my shoose idd while I was thinking. Maybe I write him a letter about it.

That was the best idea I had for now. I would write the letter when It wake up tomorrow.

I went into the living room and greeted my parents.

"How was your day?" my mom asked.

I choose to directly awnser her question and not to avoid it.

"It was fine."

I went to the other side of the table and sat down. It was meat loaf with muched potatos. My favorite food at home. One of the less things I did it much from.

As always my dad was selince and didn't say much and also my anoying sister who was 2 years younger was silent.

Still I asked Angie. "How was your day?"

This time she was friendly and said, "my day was also fine."

I felt tired from the whole ride home. It was always like that and then before I went to sleep I needed to do some home work, but that was never much. When I went to a school for children with a handicap I couldn't get used to it. I just had autism, but my sister also had it and she could stay in the school where she always went. I couldn't believe it back then, but the older I got how more friends I made and the more fun I had. I was also not as Ugly as some other people, but also I was the new meat back then and they tested me and not fast after that they started bullying me.

I was so tired I didn't feel that tired at the end of the dat, but in the morning it was hell to wake up. My body and eyes felt so heavy. I diceded to go early to my room so I could write the letter for Stefan.

After dinner I loaded the dishwasher. My family was already in the sofa. I told them, "I go upstairs. I need to do some home work. After that I go to sleep, so good night.

I opened the door and just before it closes they said, "good night."

"Sweet dreams." My mom said. Probably she was still worried about what my dream was about.

In my room I seated in my chair at my desk and took a piece of paper somewhere out of a holder. My pen holder was an animal. It was kind of cute.

My Zebra holder was holding to much pens, but I liked it that way.

I choose to write with a normal blue pen. My favorite.

When my pen touched the paper there was a moment of doubt. I also felt a sharp main in my chest, but I had to tell Stefan. I felt misserable and I couldn't believe I was doing this at the same time. Tears started to rol down my cheecks. It had felt so real and Stefan had a right to know. Maybe that would break us up, or would he be understanding and see it just as a stupid dream? I didn't know the awnser. We where not that long together. Just two months, but now I was scared that the moment I was scared off would happen.

I didn't sleep much that night. because of the dream I had the night before. I was also scared for the reaction from Stefan in my letter. When I fall a sleep I luckily didn't have a bad dream any more. Just a dreamless sleep.

My alarm went off in my head way to early, but I know I had to wake up.

I took the letter and put it downstairs in my bag. I did it now before my mom woke up. She can't see this letter. I didn't want to worry her.

I went in silence back upstairs and I got back into my room. Where I grabbed a few things out of my closet and put thema on.

In the meantime I heard my phone ringing. Who could that be this early in the morning?

In my screen came Stefans number. I dailed the green horn. His voice stounded both concert and sleepy.

"Are you ok?" he asked worried.

"Why would I not be?" I asured him.

"I thought it was real, but it seemed tot be a dream."

I stood there dumb founded. Did we have the same dream? I could ask him what he had dreamed about.

"What was your dream about?"

He started with:

It was dark...

That made me feel already scared and I felt more pannick. When he explained further.

My breath seemed to go faster. Stefan asked worried, "are you ok?"

The only thing I could say. "We had exactly the same dream."

"How could that be?"

For a while there was a cold selince between us. That had never happened before. It brought me in a dark place. "What is happening to you and me?"

There we're so many questions between us that I didn't know what to do. I just felt the phone trimble in my hand.

The last thing I told him was, "let's calm down and we talk at school. I will explain."

The way to school was difficult tears tracing my cheecks. I hope he doesn't doubt me after what happened, but hope is this tiny thing that van shatter any moment. My thoughts got darker and darker any moment.

It didn't even happen for real yet. Still my thoughts where consumed by it.

When I got in the bus In saw Stefan sitting in the back with a face full of worry. I was going to him and took the Seat in nearest to him.I wanted to lay my had on his shoulders, but he moved away.

"I don't know what to think about you?"

"Did this happen for real or did you just say they trued?"

Those questions hurted me so much more then I had imagned. We just say there in an akward silence. That had never happened to us.

The only word that came over my lips where, "are you doubting me?"

He didn't awnser directly, but his face told me enough. He was doubting everything at the moment. The forwn in his face. His eyes looking somewhere far away through the window.

My heart got pulled through the drain. I just kept sitting there not trying to cry, but it was so difficult not to. One single tear left my eye and then I took een deel breath. I felt a bit more confident and asked him again. "Are you doubting me?"

This time it seemed Stefan was going to aswner. When he did his words hang in the air for a while. "Did this happen for real?"

I directly shocked my head and said, "no absolutly not."

"Why is this happening to is? There have to be a reason or not?"

I said those questions you no one in particular, but Stefan of course had heard them.

Then he grabbed my hand and he said, "Let's find out!"

I felt so happy that his doubts seemed to have going away.

I know this was going to be difficult, but we where strong and we will get trough this. I was surten of it.

At school we tried to do as normal as possible also to alexander.

I sat with Alexander and we talked about the vacation. The autumn one.

"Let's see each other then. You can come to me." He never had asked me and I was kind of surprised and curius why he asked.

Also a little scared what he was going to say if I said no.

"Why don't you come to my house?"

"It's a bit far." he said and that made me doubt if I should go.

"We talk later about this ok" Saying it trying to be calm as possible.

"Ok let's do that" He said like he was a bit nervous.

The bell rang and we had to go back to class.

Class was a bit borig. It was France. I tought the most horrible language I ever heard. I was not good at it. I spend long hours to get it in my head. Still it was like it didn't get in my head.

I was so happy when the bell rang again and we could go to the playground. There was Alexander again. Probably waiting for me, but now I wanted to spent a bit time with Stefan. He had been so good to me. I didn't want to mess up our relationship.

"Sorry, I am going to spent a bit time with Stefan right now." I told Alexander.

He seemed a bit jealouse and that made me a bit scared for what he was planning for when I was coming. Maybe it was best not to go and just stay home and meet up with Stefan. He was my boyfriend of course. I would never betray him. That was for sure.

I went to the sports playground where Stefan was playing soccer with his friends. When he saw me he came to me and kissed me passionaly on the lips. I felt in the clouds each tim he kised me. I wanted it to be like that forever.

The one question was what was going to happen with Alexander?