Honey, I’M Home (In Hell)
Title: The Pomegranate "Contract"
The Throne Room of the Underworld. Skulls, chains, and doom everywhere. HADES sits on a throne of obsidian, looking like a heavy metal album cover
Author
(Whispering) Okay, readers, watch this. I’ve spent weeks making Hades the scariest guy in existence.
Hades
(Deep, echoing voice) Bring forth the prisoner. He has defied the laws of the living!
He is wearing an oversized pastel sweater with a tiny sprout embroidered on the chest.
He is holding a very small, very round cactus.
persephon
(Beaming) Hi, Hades! Look! I named him 'Spike.' He’s grumpy, just like you!
Hades
(The "scary" aura instantly shatters like cheap glass)
Hades
...Spike? That is... a formidable name for a plant.
Author
(Frantic typing sounds) Wait, no! Hades! Stop smiling! You’re supposed to be a dark god, not a golden retriever!
persephon
But Hades, the Underworld is so grey. Spike needs a friend.
persephon
Also, I’m hungry. Do you have any of those red snacks?
Hades
The Pomegranate of Eternal Soul-Binding?
Hades
You mean the sacred fruit that legally traps you here as my consort forever?
persephon
(Blinks innocently) 🥺
persephon
I thought they were just juicy boba pearls.
Hades
(Sprinting off the throne to peel the fruit for him)
Hades
I’ll get the bowl. I’ve already de-seeded them for you so you don't choke.
Author
(Screaming) HADES! You’re literally the King of the Dead! Don’t you dare use the "Good China" for a snack break!
Hades
(Ignoring the Author, holding a spoon) Say 'ah,' my little sprout.
persephon
(Chewing happily)
persephon
Mmph. This place is great. Way better than Mom’s house. Can we get a ball pit for Cerberus?
Hades
(Writing in a notebook) "Ball. Pit. For. Triple. Doggy." Anything else, my King?
Author
It’s not a tragedy anymore. It’s just a story about a god who would burn the world down if this boy tripped on a pebble.
Author
Hope you guys like fluff, because I’ve lost control of the plot.
Intro: The Author’s Official Surrender
A spotlight hits a messy desk.
Author
(hunched over), looking like they haven't slept since the Bronze Age.
Author
Welcome. Before you start reading, I have a confession.
Author
I set out to write a serious, dark, brooding BL retelling of the Hades and Persephone myth.
Author
There was going to be drama. There was going to be angst. There was going to be a lot of gothic rain and heavy chains
Author
Points a shaky pen toward the corner of the screen.
Author
Then... he showed up
The "Dark Underworld" background suddenly turns pastel pink. Persephone appears, humming a pop song
persephon
"🎶 SWEET LIKE CANDY, MAKE IT STOP! YOU’RE MY LITTLE SODA POOOOP! 🎶"
Author
I tried to make him a tragic figure trapped in the dark,
Author
But he just... looked at the Underworld and said, 'It’s a bit monochrome, isn't it?' and started putting googly eyes on the River Styx.
Background SFX: PLOOP. PLOOP. 👁️👁️
(A lost soul floats by in the river, now sporting giant plastic googly eyes.)
Author
And Hades? Don't even get me started. The 'Dread Lord of the Dead' lasted exactly three minutes before he folded like a lawn chair.
Author
I tried to write a scene where Hades captures him,
Author
And Hades ended up apologizing for the 'dusty atmosphere' and offering him his own throne as a footstool.
Hades
Hades is frantically scrubbing a skull with a toothbrush.
SFX: SCRUB-SCRUB-SCRUB 🪥💀
Hades
(Internal panic) Is the calcium too white? Does it look threatening? Oh gods, he's going to think I'm a hoarder!
Author
So, forget the tragedy. Forget the pomegranate seeds being a trick—
Author
Persephone ate them because they matched his aesthetic, and Hades is just happy he stayed for dinner.
Author
If you like a big, scary God of Death who is absolutely, 100% whipped for a tiny, fluffy boy who doesn't realize how powerful he is... you're in the right place
Hades
DOKI-DOKI (Heartbeat sound) 💓💓
Author
Let the chaos (and the fluff) begin!!!
Chapter 1: The "Kidnapping"
The deepest, darkest corridor of the Underworld. Torches flicker with blue fire. Shadows writhe like angry snakes.
Hades
HADES strides toward his throne, his cape billowing behind him like a cloud of smoke.
Hades
(Gravelly, intimidating voice)
Hades
Finally. The Prince of the Upper World is in my grasp. The balance of nature is broken! Soon, the world shall know the cold grip of—
persephon
(Off-screen) Ouch! Hey! Mr. Shadow-Guy! These floor tiles are really cold on my toes!
SFX: EEEEEK—! (Record scratch) 🚫🎧
He turns around to see PERSEPHON, who is currently sitting on a pile of luggage in the middle of the hall.
He is wearing fuzzy rabbit slippers and holding a lukewarm latte
Hades
(Adjusting his dark crown)
Hades
Silence, mortal! You have been abducted!
Hades
You are currently in the pits of—wait, are those rabbits? On your feet?
persephon
(Wiggling his toes)
persephon
Yeah! They’re memory foam. Do you want to touch them? You look like you need a hug, Mr. Grumpy-Pants
Hades
I do not 'hug.' I am the King of Shadows! I am the—
persephon
Also, your 'dungeon' is super dusty. I have allergies.
SFX: TINY KITTEN SNEEZE 🐱💨
Hades
(Heart skips a beat; his dark aura physically wobbles like jelly)
persephon
(Rubbing his nose)
persephon
Anyway, since you 'kidnapped' me, I assume there's a room service menu? Or do I just eat the souls of the damned? Because I’m vegan on Tuesdays
Author
literally draws a giant red arrow pointing at Hades’ face.
His ears are turning a bright, neon red.
Author
Look at his face! He’s supposed to be threatening him with eternal servitude, but he’s currently wondering if he has almond milk in the back of the royal fridge
Hades
(Whispering to a skeleton guard)
Hades
Go. Fetch the finest silk blankets. And tell Charon to stop the boat... the splashing is keeping the boy from feeling 'zen.'
skeleton guard
Confused rattle
skeleton guard
CLATTER-CLACK-RATTLE 💀🦴
skeleton guard
But sire, the screams of the tortured provide the ambiance—
Hades
(Eyes glowing a terrifying nuclear red) "GET THE BLANKETS OR I WILL TURN YOUR RIBCAGE INTO A XYLOPHONE."
persephon
(Approaching the obsidian throne)
persephon
Move over, Big Guy. This seat looks like it has great lumbar support
Hades, the most feared god in history, actually shifts to the side of his own throne to make room.
Hades
SCOOT... SQUEAK... 🛋️
persephon
sits down and immediately starts playing a game on his phone.
persephon
Wow, you have zero bars of signal down here. How am I supposed to post my 'New Home' vlog?
persephon
My followers are going to think I’m dead! I mean... more than usual
Hades
(Leaning over him, completely enamored, eyes literally turning into hearts)
Hades
... I shall build a tower of silver to catch the signals of the stars for you, my little sprout.
persephon
Cool. Also, I’m still hungry
Hades
BRING ME THE POMEGRANATE! THE ONE WITHOUT THE BRUISES! AND SOME ORGANIC AVOCADO TOAST! HURRY!
Author
And that, dear readers, is how the 'Great Abduction' lasted exactly forty-five seconds before becoming a 'Long-Term Live-in Relationship with a God-Tier Simp
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