The Empress Dowager sent me to secretly investigate if the new emperor

had any hidden illnesses.

However, one careless moment, and I was thoroughly taken advantage of by

the dog emperor.

Thus, in the dim gaze of the new emperor, I reported to the Empress

Dowager, biting my lip and supporting my waist: “Your Majesty is… very

straight. Straight for the whole night.”

Later, one day, the emperor held my waist thoughtfully and said, “Imperial

Scholar, you seem to have gained some weight.”

Grinding my teeth, I thought to myself, Of course, how could I not?

…Thanks to you, I have to run away with the baby.

1

When I was young, my eldest brother studied literature, and my second

brother practiced martial arts.

As for me, I was the only one who grew up wild and spoiled.

Thus, I was sent to the palace to be the study companion of the crown

prince, Xiao Ce.Although Xiao Ce and I never saw eye to eye, neither of us ever held each

other in high regard.

So, from childhood until now—

I fought roosters, while he read books.

I drank wine, while he practiced swordsmanship.

I caused trouble, and he took the punishment.

Eventually, heaven rewarded my persistence.

Later, he became the wise emperor of the capital.

And I? I became the notorious playboy of the capital.

2

The year Xiao Ce ascended to the throne was also the year I came of age.

According to family rules, my eldest brother forced me to take the imperial

examination.

Relying on an essay titled My Brother, the Prime Minister, I sailed through

the exams, all the way to the final palace examination, only to stumble at

the feet of Xiao Ce.

The essay, which was highly praised by the court scholars, was merely

glanced at by Xiao Ce, who then chuckled in front of the entire court,

leaned on his hand, and tossed the paper to the ground with interest.

“Minister, since you claim this essay is so well-written,” he said, “why

don’t you now read aloud the first word of each line, together.”

The old minister, struggling to decipher my atrocious handwriting,

stammered out the hidden message: “Damn Xiao Ce, making the exam so

hard, who is he trying to torment?“The old minister hurriedly knelt down, and my heart sank completely.

This Xiao Ce, who usually only knew how to read books like a dull scholar,

had unexpectedly shown cleverness at this moment.

Thus, my title as top scholar was lost, and I was only given third place as a

consolation prize for my family’s sake.

Ha… what a petty man.

I wandered aimlessly through the palace, kicking stones along the path.

One kick, Xiao Ce’s merit points -1.

Another kick, Xiao Ce’s merit points -1 again.

I hadn’t walked far when I was summoned by the Empress Dowager’s

maid.

Although Xiao Ce often scorned me for being improper, the Empress

Dowager liked me, so I became her little informant, responsible for tattling

on the scholarly emperor.

But this time, the Empress Dowager’s expression was grave, as if

something major had happened.

I hurried to offer my help.

“Your Majesty, is there something you need me to do?”

The Empress Dowager’s face was solemn.

“Zean, you’ve always been close to the emperor. Has he ever mentioned to

you that he doesn’t want to take an empress?”

Close? Where did she get that idea?

Why would Xiao Ce confide in me about not wanting an empress?Although full of confusion, I could only bow my head and listen to her

instructions.

The Empress Dowager dismissed everyone, lowering her voice a little.

“The emperor has never been interested in women. I’ve tried sending

women to him, but he’s dismissed them all.

Now, I can’t help but wonder—what if the emperor… simply can’t

perform?”

“You grew up with the emperor; go test him. If the emperor really can’t…

we might have to make other plans.”

Me: (⁄⁄•⁄ω⁄•⁄⁄)

Is this something you can just hear?

The Empress Dowager carefully chose her words.

“Ze’an, you must ensure the emperor’s dignity. Test him subtly; don’t be

too direct and hurt his pride.”

The Empress Dowager had always been good to me, and I didn’t want to

disappoint her.

So, during our conversation, I came up with a plan.

I readily agreed.

“Your Majesty, trust me. I will complete the task. Even if the emperor can’t,

I’ll find a way to help him restore his vigor and stand tall!”

3

I arrived at Xiao Ce’s study.The eunuchs outside knew who I was—newly appointed imperial scholar

Lu Ze’an—so they quickly bowed and informed the emperor of my arrival.

When I entered, Xiao Ce ignored me, sitting with perfect posture as he

reviewed documents.

I waited until I couldn’t stand it anymore, then went up to his ear, calling

him “Xiao Ce” repeatedly.

I finally got under his skin, and he gave me a cold look. “State your

business.”

I coughed lightly and opened a fan.

“I’m going to the brothel.”

The study fell into a dead silence.

After a long pause, Xiao Ce let out a cold laugh, his emotions eerily

controlled.

“Did you come to inform me? Should I issue a decree granting you special

permission?”

I tugged on his sleeve.

“I’m scared to go alone. If the head tutor finds out, he might make me run

naked around the palace… how disgraceful!”

Xiao Ce finally couldn’t resist and rolled his eyes.

“Aren’t you the one who actually enjoys it? When you chose streaking over

copying books, you didn’t hesitate at all.”

“Is it that you want me to copy two sets of books again?”

I toyed with a pen on his desk and jumped off the chair.

“Alright, then I’ll just go by myself.”Before I could leave, the cold voice behind me stopped me: “…Wait, I’ll go

with you.”

“If you get lost, I’ll have to fetch you from prison tomorrow.”

4

Getting lost? Impossible.

The madam at the brothel lit up when she saw me.

“Young Master Lu, you’re back again? The girls have been waiting for

you.”

Politely, I tucked my fan into my belt.

“Same room as last time, please.”

The madam responded and left.

The air around me seemed to chill.

Xiao Ce, watching the madam leave, said in a low voice, “Lu Ze’an, you

certainly know your way around.”

I quickly cupped my hands in mock humility.

“Your praise is too kind… in fact, back in the day, I was known for saving

girls from a life of debauchery!”

Xiao Ce pressed his lips into a thin line.

“Lu Ze’an, did I ever praise you?”

…As expected, men who can’t get it up always act like bitter wives.

I chuckled awkwardly, then secretly signaled to the madam.

“Madam, my new friend here has some… physical issues. Today, let the

girls use their best skills. If anyone can help my friend regain his vitality, I

will reward her generously.”

I placed two large silver ingots in the madam’s hands.

Her wrinkled face blossomed into a smile, and she immediately summoned

the girls, who all rushed toward Xiao Ce.

But Xiao Ce remained unmoved, quietly watching the girls’ flirtatious

movements without showing any physical response. He even downed two

more cups of wine.

No, this won’t do! Seeing him like that made me furious.

I had promised the Empress Dowager—Xiao Ce has to “rise” today,

whether he likes it or not!

As I stared at him intently, Xiao Ce frowned. “Lu Ze’an, why are you

staring at me?”

I blurted out, “…I’m checking why you can’t get it up!”Xiao Ce was stunned for a second, then laughed angrily.

“Lu Ze’an, you seem very concerned about whether I can perform. Since

that’s the case, why don’t you… come test it yourself?”

Before he could finish, I lunged at him, clinging to his neck and giving him

a quick peck on the lips.

I glanced at his legs and sneered lightly. “See? You’ve already reacted.”

Xiao Ce’s face alternated between red and white, and he was breathing

unevenly.

“Lu Ze’an, get out!”

Knowing when to stop, I immediately dashed away. “Alright, alright!”

5

Xiao Ce is definitely doing this on purpose.

Otherwise, how could it be that the moment I returned home, I received his

decree saying he wanted to marry my sister?

And my sister, being the clueless person she is, didn’t realize that this was

Xiao Ce’s blatant revenge against our Lu family.

So, I decided to give her a crash course.

“This is what happened…”

“In a brothel full of women, he didn’t react at all.”

“I was even kind enough to help him check what’s wrong down there, and

he had the nerve to tell me to get out! This guy only has a good-looking

face, but his character is seriously lacking.”

My little sister didn’t grasp the gravity of the situation and instead squealed,

“Wow, that’s so shippable!”

Me: “?”

What on earth are you shipping?

My sister exclaimed:“Well, Guan Yu wouldn’t check whether Zhang Fei can get it up either!”

[1]TL’s Note: About who is Guam Yu & Zhang Fei, Liu Bei, the emperor of

the Kingdom of Shu 蜀, Guan Yu and Zhang Fei are his generals. There is

an well known ancient story that recounts … Continue reading

Shipping random things will be the death of you!

I know exactly what Xiao Ce is like.

There’s no way I’m letting my sister fall into this trap.

So, I stormed into the palace to confront Xiao Ce.

“Your Majesty, why must you marry my sister?”

Of course, Xiao Ce wouldn’t admit he’s doing this for revenge. Without

even looking up, he said, “The Lu family is a prestigious clan with a history

spanning centuries. A royal marriage is a natural progression.”

But I won’t let my sister be sacrificed.

I raised my head proudly and said, “If a royal marriage is necessary, I can

marry the princess.”

Xiao Ce finally looked up at me and sneered.

“Heh, Lu Ze’an, you really want it all, don’t you? We grew up together; do

you think I don’t know your true nature? I wouldn’t let my own sister fall

into that pit.”

We stared each other down.

Wait a minute… everything he just said… were my exact words!

So, in the span of one incense stick’s burning time, the palace eunuchs

witnessed an angry Imperial Scholar storm into the emperor’s private

chambers, only to leave even angrier a short while later.The matter of my sister concerned the reputation of the Lu family.

Naturally, it alarmed my eldest and second brothers.

During our family meeting, I passionately proposed a rebellion to storm the

palace and save my sister.

Second Brother fully supported me, while Eldest Brother calmly sipped his

tea, book in hand.

I was dissatisfied.

“Eldest Brother, are you planning to go easy on Xiao Ce?”

Eldest Brother, frail and scholarly, coughed lightly.

“Breaking into the palace counts as treason. Are you sure about this?”

Of course! I only have one sister, and I won’t let her be ruined by Xiao Ce,

who clearly has… shortcomings.

So, I had Second Brother bring along Eldest Brother, while I, armed and

ready, headed to the palace first.

There were few guards at the gate, and I easily made my way in.

Laughable—there wasn’t a single person to stop me.

Through the window of the emperor’s private quarters, I could vaguely see

two figures sitting opposite each other.

Xiao Ce’s calm voice drifted out from inside:

“Miss Lu, there’s no need to worry.”

“I won’t harm you. I’m just… fishing.”

Fishing?

I snorted internally.

If you can’t get it up, just admit it. Using fishing as an excuse in the middle

of the night? Ridiculous.

And besides, what kind of fish bites a hook at this hour?

I bellowed,

“Little Sister, don’t worry! Third Brother is here to save you!”

ith a bang, I kicked the door—but it didn’t budge.

I kicked a few more times. The old door wobbled but refused to break.

No wonder the Forbidden City’s defenses were so lax—the materials of

these doors are truly formidable. They look worn-out, but are actually tough

as nails.

Just as I was contemplating how to break through the door, Xiao Ce’s

exasperated voice came from inside.

“Imperial Scholar, stop kicking. The door opens outward.”

Me: “…”

I quietly retracted my foot and opened the door by hand.

Inside, my little sister was happily playing Pai Gow with Xiao Ce.

Oblivious as ever, my sister beamed and said,

“Third Brother, you’re here! Want to join us?”

Xiao Ce, lips pressed tightly, was impossible to read.

“Are you reassured now that I haven’t touched your sister?”

I looked down at the broom in my hand.

Neither advancing nor retreating seemed appropriate.

“Your Majesty, I’ve already stormed into the palace.”

“Claiming I’m just here to clean doesn’t quite fit the situation.”

Xiao Ce raised an eyebrow.

“So? Does the Imperial Scholar intend to…”

I dropped the broom and leaped forward, pinning Xiao Ce beneath me. My

legs locked tightly around his slender waist, fearing he might resist.

But unexpectedly, Xiao Ce didn’t resist at all. He simply lowered his long,

feather-like eyelashes.

As he curled his legs beneath his red robes, his knee nudged against my

hips, and he gazed up at me with a teasing smile, the corner of his lipsslightly curved.

“Imperial Scholar, what are you doing?”

I was momentarily dazed by the glint in his sly fox’s eyes.

Before I could react, the door was kicked forcefully from the outside. This

time, the already decrepit door finally collapsed with a bang.

Xiao Ce’s smile froze on his face.

“…”

My second brother, who had arrived late, stood at the doorway and

suddenly realized, “Oh, so this door opens outward.”

Xiao Ce facepalmed, speechless. “…You really are a family.”

Sitting on Xiao Ce’s waist and abdomen, I waved to my eldest and second

brothers.

“Elder brother, second brother, take our younger sister and go.”

The eldest brother, who had caught a cold, lightly coughed twice, looking a

bit worried.

“Ze’an, if it doesn’t work out, don’t overdo it.”

“?”

What does he mean by that?

Before I could even defend my honor, Xiao Ce spoke first, his tone calm,

“Prime Minister Lu, please head back.”The eldest brother lowered his gaze.

“Second brother, take our younger sister home.”

However, my second brother, who was excited by the idea of rebellion,

completely ignored what the eldest was saying. He cracked his knuckles

and enthusiastically said, “Elder brother, I want to stay and beat up the

Emperor too.”

Xiao Ce’s eyes suddenly turned cold.

“No, you don’t.”

A terrifyingly oppressive aura surrounded Xiao Ce. Even though I was the

one holding him down, I couldn’t help but feel a chill down my spine.

Though weak in body, my eldest brother still possessed an imposing

presence. He sternly commanded the second brother, “Go home.”

Second brother, splashed with cold water, had no choice but to take our

sister and leave.

Eldest brother glanced at me again.

“Third brother, are you really not coming?”

I shook my head, gritting my teeth as I prepared to bear the consequences.

“Elder brother, I will take full responsibility for my actions.”

“If there are any repercussions, let His Majesty take them out on me.”

Xiao Ce and I locked eyes. His fingers curled around my sash.

“…My imperial scholar, you truly are noble and selfless.”

Without another word, the eldest brother fixed the door on his way out. As

soon as the door closed, I didn’t even have a chance to speak before the

tables were turned.

This scoundrel Xiao Ce, pretending to be weak, quickly flipped me over

and pinned me beneath him.Something feels off.

I just wanted to beat him up, but this guy clearly wants to do something else

to me.

I swallowed nervously and raised my feeble arm.

“Um… Is it too late for me to run now?”

Xiao Ce glanced up, unperturbed.

“What do you think?”

I miscalculated—Xiao Ce doesn’t discriminate, whether it’s men or women.

He won’t let anyone off.

With what little strength I had left, I muttered, “You really are insatiable.”

A smug grin spread across Xiao Ce’s face, full of intent.

“Mm, I am. Will young master Lu feed me?”

Feed you what?

How does he know I ate walnut pastry before coming here?

He kissed the crumbs off my lips. I struggled.

“No way, starve for all I care! Mmph…”

If you’re going to take it by force, why even bother asking me?

As the candles flickered warmly, Xiao Ce bit my earlobe.

“Does my imperial scholar surrender?”

I clenched my fists, gritting my teeth.

“Your servant does not yield…”

Then I got done again.

Lying in bed, I stubbornly cried out, “Your servant absolutely refuses!”

And then, I got done again.

“…Alright, I yield.”

Damn it… this man is too sly!

When he finally stopped, I crawled out of bed. Under the slightly flickering

candlelight, I shakily grabbed a pen and scribbled in my little notebook:

“Xiao Ce harassed his official. Virtue -10,000.”

Before I could finish the last zero, Xiao Ce wrapped his arms around my

waist from behind, his breath warm against my neck.

“Where are you running off to, imperial scholar?”

Then, he dragged me, along with the blanket, back into the imperial bed.

The only thing left outside was my defiant hand, weakly struggling while I

whimpered in frustration: “Xiao Ce, you really are a dog.”

7

By morning, Xiao Ce seemed content. Meanwhile, I was sulking, buried

under the covers, refusing to come out no matter how hard he tried to pull

me.

Xiao Ce had no choice but to sweet-talk me, though I suspected this dog of

a man was just placating me after getting what he wanted: “My imperial

scholar, I was wrong to tease my official.”

“I’ll allow you to make a request. You can ask for anything.”

Covering my sore backside, I poked my head out of the blanket and

mumbled, “Anything?”

Xiao Ce, reading a memorial, casually replied, “Anything.”

I pondered for a moment before tentatively suggesting:

“How about the Emperor’s role rotating? This year, it’s my family’s turn.

Your Majesty, or should I say, Father Emperor, what do you think?”Xiao Ce: “?”

He tossed the memorial at my face.

“Lu Ze’an, can you think of something realistic?”

What’s unrealistic about that?

Wanting to be Emperor is unrealistic?

Xiao Ce sighed, determined to give me an example.

“For instance, you could ask for the Ministry of Hu (Finance)…”

I immediately knelt down in joy.

“Your servant thanks His Majesty for bestowing me the position of Minister

of Finance.”

Xiao Ce finally lost his temper and snapped:

“Lu Ze’an, you’re as dense as a log!”