Poem to Noone
mental
Love is all around us.
It’s in flowers and sunsets,
it’s the whisper in trees,
the breath of a newborn child.
It’s two teenage lovers, free and wild.
Love is a mountain, a river, a hand to hold,
it’s courageous, fierce, honest, and bold.
It’s a shoulder when you weep,
a blanket when you sleep.
It is family, it is strength, it is faith.
Love has no boundaries, no gender,
love just exists.
poem
No one understands
i can’t talk about my mental illness without feeling like a burden.
without being reminded that insurance policies do not pay out for
suicides. that i should drop to my knees and pray away the demon of
depression. that my lack of faith is the cause for the chaos in my
mind.
they want to know why i’m depressed. most of the time there isn’t a
specific reason. there are times i wake up irritated and withdrawn, so
depressed that i want everything around me to burn to the ground.
other times i could wake up brighter than a sunbeam and end up an
eclipse right before their eyes.
they think i shouldn’t be depressed because my dreams came true but
mental illness doesn’t pack its bags and leave because good things are
happening.
they say it could be worse, but this is my worse. my mental illness is a
foreign language that i’m tired of translating. it’s exhausting trying to
balance my chemical imbalance on the tightrope of their assumptions.
how do i explain these feelings to people who have never
experienced them before but who try to invalidate my illness at every
single turn?
poem
I’m afraid you’ll leave
i’m afraid you’ll find out
i’m not the tropical escape
i was last night.
i let you leave
as soon as you’re done
so you won’t see my daylight
morph into midnight
in all its melancholy.
poem
The weight of it all
it feels too heavy
to rise from bed
and draw back
the curtains
when the world sits
like a cinder block
pressed against
my rib cage.
to rehearse a smile
for the half-hearted
audience inside myself.
to take a shower
without wishing to
sink down the drain.
to feel the splintering sunlight
without wanting to shrivel
inside of it.
to clean my apartment.
to answer the phone.
to write this poem.
poem
Happy pills
my antipsychotics are a pink sky.
will they bend the light
and scatter away the darkness?
my antidepressants are aquamarine.
will they help me swim out this sea of sadness?
will they make my life a beach?
poem
Dear depression
dear depression
you are a swallowed island.
a continental shelf of grief.
an underwater prison.
a fog holding the sky hostage
and chasing away the blue.
the sand is sludge.
the rain is constant
and nothing ever grows.
the head of palm trees
mourn the memory
of a sun that never rises.
the moon hides
the stars behind it.
i want to remember
what the sun feels like.
how warmly the sand kisses my feet.
i want to be anywhere but here
but no one believes me.
they think i should snap out of it.
auther
Depression nap
i flee to my bed
when i need to escape
the heaviness of the world.
to shove the sadness
between my sheets
weigh it down
with my blanket
to suffocate it
and hope it never returns.
auther
As i lay lonely
late one summer night, the drumming in my chest became so
thunderous that it rattled my rib cage. my breath became a shallow
wind i couldn’t catch. i thought i was dying. i’ve wanted to die many
times, but this wasn’t one of them.
so many thoughts went through my mind. what if the article my best
friend sent me the other day would become my fate? what if i died
alone and my body wouldn’t be discovered for days?
i thought about how no one was there to hold my hand. not the girl...
who never stayed long enough for pillow talk. the people who had
fuller lives than mine. the ones who didn’t need me until they needed
something.
drenched in sweat i crawled outside and called...101
i lay in my
doorway like shattered glass. i hoped someone would see me. if i was
dying, i didn’t want to do it alone.
the medics arrived and performed an ekg. my heart rate was 160
beats per minute. they said i was experiencing a panic attack and
would be ok. i didn’t believe them. i tearfully begged them to take me
to the hospital. that i didn’t want to die alone. in reality i think i didn’t
want to be alone.
an hour and a lap full of vomit later, i was released from the hospital.
the nurse advised against calling a cab in my state. i thumbed through
the contacts on my phone several times.
it was 1:00 a.m. there wasn’t anyone i could call without feeling like a
burden or overstepping my boundaries. the loneliness began to echo
again. i caught an uber home. it was a lonely car ride to an even
lonelier house..
auther
I’m sorry
i want to sink into the horizon of my guilt when you worry. when
your heart collapses to your stomach when i don’t answer your calls.
when you search for signs of duress whenever we speak. when you
wonder if i’ve taken my meds. when you tread lightly so you won’t
trigger me. i know you worry about me and i’m sorry.
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