My Alien Girlfriend
It Was Chemistry
That’s me, Elijah, 15 y.o., stuck in chemistry class.
The teacher’s been droning on for like thirty minutes now.
Mrs.Nina
...Chemical synthesis in laboratory settings has allowed scientists to experiment and create substances that don't occur in nature...
...Something, something, organic compounds...
Elijah
(God, this is so boring!)
Elijah
(I’m pretty sure chemistry was invented specifically to kill any desire I had to learn.)
I’d never actually say that out loud, obviously. I just thought it.
Thought it, and went back to doodling in my notebook.
Nick
Yo, let me see what you’re working on!
Elijah
No way. You’ll just laugh.
Nick
Oh, come on, man! Since when do I laugh at your stuff?
Nick
I’m always hyped to see your steamy drawings. Just show me, alright?
Elijah
Fine. Check it out…
Nick
Whoa! She’s hot! Who is she?
Elijah
An alien princess. She just got to Earth, but her ship trashed during the landing.
Nick
Why’s she so green, though?
Nick
No, seriously! I’m not laughing! I’m just curious.
Elijah
Well... Everyone’s that color in her constellation. It’s normal for them...
Elijah
And besides, my green pen is the only one I have left, truth be told.
That was our conversation yesterday.
But today, Nick flaked on first period.
Elijah
Slept in, as usual...
Probably stayed up late again watching some alien horror flicks.
Elijah
Must be nice. My mom would never let that slide. Ever since the second divorce, she’s been raging out over everything and nothing.
Time to finish yesterday’s masterpiece...
Classmate 1
Oh, look. The weirdo’s scribbling something again.
Classmate 2
Let’s see! What you got there?
Elijah
None of your business!
I covered the drawing with my hand.
The girls started giggling, whispering, and giving me side-eyes.
I’m too scared to even think about what’s going through their heads.
Elijah
(Good thing I’m at the back of the room. At least back here, it’s harder for people to mess with me.)
The chem teacher walked in.
Mrs.Nina
Good morning, everyone.Take your seats, please.
Here we go again. The same old mind-numbing drone.
Thank god I can just doodle in my notebook instead of listening to this garbage.
Today, instead of the usual soul-crushing formulas, I hear something new.
Mrs.Nina
Everyone, meet Zoye Halas. She’ll be joining our class starting today.
The whole room erupted into excited whispers.
I reluctantly looked up from my drawing... and my jaw hit the floor.
Everyone has that one thing that makes their heart race and gives them butterflies. Maybe it’s the shape of one girl’s eyes, the curves of another, or the dimples on a third girl’s cheeks.
With Zoye, it was everything.
Classmate 1
Whoa! Why is her hair green?
Classmate 2
Are those, like, false braids or something?
Classmate 1
Damn, she is totally my type!
Classmate 2
Her skirt is way too short, though. I wonder what the dress code committee is gonna say about that.
Classmate 1
Who cares? Her legs are killer!
Classmate 2
I don't get why you guys are so hyped. I don't see anything special...
I was so busy staring at this slender-legged miracle that I didn't even notice the teacher walking up to me.
Mrs.Nina
Schuster! Where’s Nick? Cutting class again?
It took me a second to realize she was talking to me. I scrambled to cover my drawings with my hand, but I was way too late.
Elijah
He’s... uh... out for the day. Family emergency.
Mrs.Nina
Good grief! Are you seriously back to drawing those weird little monsters in class again?!
She wagged a finger at me, but then softened and gestured to the empty seat next to mine.
Mrs.Nina
Sit here for now, Zoye. We’ll find you a better spot later.
She turned around and headed back to the whiteboard.
Mrs.Nina
Alright, settle down, everyone! Let’s get back to the class...
The teacher went back to her usual buzzing, but I wasn't listening anymore.
Something was already brewing inside me—real chemistry, the most organic kind there is.
I sat there stiff as a board, too terrified to even turn my head.
Elijah
(Is this seriously happening to me?)
My thoughts were racing like crazy, but even without looking, I could feel her eyes drilling into the side of my head.
Elijah
(Is she actually staring at me?! No way. Impossible.)
Suddenly, I felt pathetic. The girl of my literal dreams was sitting right next to me, and all I could do was break into a cold sweat, too paralyzed to say a word.
Elijah
(Wimp. Loser. Total nobody!)
My spiraling thoughts were cut short by a nudge to my elbow.
Zoye
You just gonna ignore me forever?
Elijah
Elijah... Where are you from?
She glanced at my doodled notebook and gave me a tiny, almost invisible smile.
Zoye
Can you keep a secret?
She looked at me, raising an eyebrow.
Instead of answering, she grabbed a pen and finished my drawing by adding a flying saucer with a smiling little humanoid poking its antennas out.
I stared at Zoye, then at the paper, then back at Zoye.
Elijah
No way! You’re just messing with me, right?
But Zoye just looked up toward the ceiling and kept drilling me with that dead-serious look. I started to get really creeped out.
Zoye
*whispering* Don't tell a soul.
Zoye
If you blab, I’ll turn you into a clot of protoplasm.
I opened my mouth to say something, but I just froze—totally lost in the cosmic void of her eyes. It was like I was being hypnotized or something.
I was saved by the bell. Before I could even blink, Zoye had glided out of the classroom like nothing had even happened.
Experimental Specimen
Elijah
I got stuck with cleanup duty after class. I have to scrub the chem lab.
Nick
Man, that’s a total bummer...
Elijah
It’s not like I have anything better to do at home anyway.
Elijah
My mom is pulling double shifts. She’ll be back late, as usual.
Nick
I feel you... Well, see ya tomorrow then.
After saying goodbye to Nick, I started mopping the floors.
Elijah
Alright, I think that’s about it.
Let's just say the floor is officially clean.
Elijah
(Maybe it's not perfect, but at least no one can say I didn't do the work.)
Now what do I do with this bucket of dirty water?
Elijah
Crap! The men's room is all the way across the floor.
But the girls' room is right here.
Elijah
(Everyone’s probably cleared out by now anyway.)
I peeked through the cracked door. Empty.
Elijah
Okay! Let’s do this quick before someone shows up!
I hauled the bucket into the girls' bathroom.
I had just barely splashed the water out when a voice came from behind me...
Zoye
Hey, what are you doing in here?
Did she seriously just teleport in here?!
I felt a wave of pure frustration. Why did it have to be her?!
Elijah
(She’s gonna tattle to the teacher!)
My thoughts were racing like crazy.
Elijah
(If she blabs to the whole class, they’ll eat me alive!)
But Zoye just kept drilling me with that otherworldly stare.
Zoye
Are you following me?
Zoye
Level with me—did the White Cloaks send you?
I definitely didn't see that coming.
What the hell is she even talking about?!
Suddenly, a voice echoed from the hallway...
Mrs.Nina
Are you finished yet?
Elijah
(She’s gonna come in here!)
Elijah
(If we get caught in here, I’m dead meat!)
Zoye
If we get caught in here, you’re dead meat.
Can she seriously read minds?!
Without another word, she shoved me into one of the stalls.
Zoye
I can stop time and create a force field to hide from my enemies.
Right then, the teacher's puzzled voice sounded from just outside the stall.
Mrs.Nina
Where on earth did he go? Good grief...
Then the door slammed shut.
Zoye
See? Totally invisible.
Zoye gave a tiny, lopsided smile.
In that cramped stall, I could feel the heat radiating from Zoye’s body. For me, time really had stopped.
I was about to bolt out of there, but Zoye blocked my way.
Zoye
If I were you, I’d wait a bit.
Zoye
So, you’re positive you’re not with the White Cloaks?
Zoye studied me with a piercing look.
Elijah
I have no idea what you’re even talking about!
Zoye
I already told you...
Zoye
I came to Earth from another planet and took on a human form for now.
Zoye
But the White Cloaks found out. Now they’re hunting me down to perform their twisted experiments! 🫣
Now it was my turn to look her up and down.
Zoye looked like a totally normal high school girl.
Elijah
So these 'Cloaks' of yours... are they like the Men in Black?
Zoye
Yes! Except they wear white.😎
I got lost in the void of her eyes again.
I’d stopped believing Nick’s alien stories a long time ago.
But for some reason, I really didn't want her to just be crazy.
Zoye
You don't believe me?
Zoye
I’ve already been in their clutches! My whole body is covered in scars because of them...
She reached for a button on her blouse.
Zoye shoved my hand away.
Zoye
My mission is top-secret and deadly! And you want to know everything without making any sacrifices?
Elijah
What kind of sacrifices?
She looked me over again with that judgmental stare.
Zoye
I’m studying the human race.
Zoye
And for my research, I need an uncorrupted specimen with big... uh... potential. 🙄
I scratched the back of my head.
This alien’s scanners must be totally busted if that’s what she thinks of me.
Zoye
But to join my research program, you have to sign a contract with me.
Zoye
While I'm on this planet, don't even think about touching me—no hands, no kissing, no close encounters of any kind.
Zoye
Other females of the human species no longer exist to you either—not even on a screen or in those little magazines of yours.
Zoye
This is strictly for the purity of the experiment. I know how you Earthlings are!
She wagged a finger at me.
Zoye
Also, you must carry out all my experimental tasks and keep absolutely nothing from me. Got it?
Zoye
If you break even one rule, I’ll turn you into a glob of slime!
Zoye squinted, studying me.
Zoye
Well? Do we have a deal?
I scratched my head again.
Alien or not, Zoye didn't fit into any of my ideas about girls. Not that I’m exactly an expert on the subject, though.
"DANGER: KEEP AWAY!" a skull on the electrical box on the wall warned me like a friend.
But I’ve never been good at taking advice.
Elijah
Do I need to sign in blood or something?
Elijah
Or, I don't know... give a sample?
I didn't know yet that even without all that, my life had just changed forever.
Protocol One: Dimensional Rift
From now on, we were bound by a secret invisible to everyone else.
We didn't talk openly in public.
We just trade looks like conspirators during the breaks.
Zoye
*looks meaningfully* . . .
Elijah
*looks meaningfully* . . .
And during class, too. We even whisper to each other sometimes, acting like we're totally indifferent.
The teacher completely forgot to move Zoye, so she’s still sitting right next to me.
Zoye
Did you get my message?
Elijah
*whispering* What message?
She motioned toward my backpack with her eyes.
I reached inside and pulled it out...
When did she even manage to slip this in there?
Zoye
With your first experimental protocol.
Elijah
How am I supposed to read these hieroglyphs?
Zoye
Meet me in the park after school. I'll teach you everything.
Zoye
The old park, by the cemetery.
Zoye
Just don't ghost me. And don't tell a soul.
Zoye
You know what happens if you break our rules...
Zoye gave me a threatening smile.
Well, whatever, a deal is a deal...
Elijah
She called me out here, and now she's ghosting me...
I slumped onto a bench under an old maple tree.
Zoye jumped out from behind the tree so suddenly I about lost it.
Elijah
Don't do that! You scared the life out of me!
Elijah
Where have you been?
Zoye
Covering my tracks. Making sure the enemy didn't intercept our rendezvous point.
Zoye
Well? Are you ready for the experiments? 😈
And Zoye gave me that smile again, sending a shiver down my spine.
Elijah
You promised to teach me how to read your messages...
Zoye sat down beside me on the bench, acting all casual.
Zoye
It’s just our standard alien script. Piece of cake to learn.
Zoye
Have you read Conan Doyle’s "The Adventure of the Dancing Men"?
Zoye
What about Edgar Allan Poe’s "The Gold-Bug"?
Zoye
Looks like I know your earthly literature better than you do.
Zoye
Fine, pay attention. See this glyph?
Zoye
It’s read as the letter 'E'.
Elijah
It looks nothing like it! 👀
Zoye
Exactly! That’s the whole point!
Zoye
And this one is an 'A'.
She leaned over the paper with me, and I could feel her breath on my cheek.
Zoye
This symbol is an 'O'. And this one is a 'U'.
Being that close to her felt so warm and... right.
I didn't even notice as we worked our way through the entire alien alphabet.
The park was slowly starting to go dark.
Elijah
Okay, so what does it actually say?
Zoye
Look. Let's put together the glyphs you just learned...
Zoye
"F-I-N-D T-H-E D-I-M-E-N-S-I-O-N-A-L R-I-F-T I-N T-H-E C-E-M-E-T-E-R-Y."
It was already pretty dark in the park.
Elijah
Wait... you mean we’re going into the cemetery now? 😳
Zoye
Unless you’re scared?
Zoye gave me another one of her sinister smirks.
The cemetery was quiet and peaceful.
You could almost say it was just an extension of the old park. The same ancient trees and thick bushes everywhere.
Except for the endless rows of graves in the deepening twilight.
Elijah
And why exactly do you need this dimensional rift?
I tried to stick as close to Zoye as possible, but in a way that wouldn't let her notice my knees were shaking.
Zoye
You think it’s easy flying here all the way from the Orion constellation?
Zoye
A ship would take thousands of years. But with a dimensional rift, it happens much faster.
Elijah
But you’re already here, aren't you?
Zoye
I’m not here forever...
Zoye
Someday, it'll be time for me to leave this planet. And then, I’ll need the rift again.
Her sudden mood swing caught me off guard.
Elijah
But why are we looking for it in a cemetery of all places?
Zoye
Because rifts usually occur in places where people least want to go...
Elijah
I think I get i— Wait! What’s that?
Elijah
Over there! Do you see that white figure on the path?
Elijah
Is that a ghost?! 😱😱
Zoye grabbed me by the scruff of my neck and manhandled me behind the nearest tombstone.
Zoye
*whispering* Ghosts are nonsense!
Zoye
It’s way worse if the White Cloaks have tracked me down again...
She peered cautiously from behind the headstone.
Elijah
*whispering* Hey, easy! You’re crushing me against the grave.
Hiding there, I could feel Zoye’s chest pressing against my back.
Zoye
*whispering* Okay, it looks like it’s gone...
Zoye
On my command, we bolt for the exit. Ready?
I nodded, and we took off sprinting.
The white figure flashed again in the darkness of the alley 👻
Zoye jerked me in a different direction so clumsily that I wiped out, landing butt-first right on an old grave.
Zoye collapsed on top of me.
I curled into a ball right there on the tombstone.
Elijah
Your knee... you clocked me right between the legs... when you fell... 😭😭😭
Zoye
Does it hurt that much?
Elijah
You see, Earthlings have some very important organs located there...
Elijah
And they're... fragile 😢
Zoye
So what now? Do you need medical attention? A bandage? A massage? A painkiller shot?
Elijah
No, no, definitely not...😑
Elijah
Just let me lie here for a minute...
A few minutes later, I managed to stand up, and we somehow limped our way to the cemetery exit.
Elijah
Is the ghost still chasing us?
Zoye
There are no ghosts, Elijah. Seriously.
Zoye
But it’s a shame we didn't find the dimensional rift today.
Elijah
Pretty sure I found my own rift 🥲
I was still clutching my bruised crotch.
Those important organs stayed swollen and ached for days afterward.
Was this too high a price to pay for hanging out with an alien girl?
But hey, at least now I could proudly brag that I’d been to a cemetery at night.
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