Have you ever had a moment when you felt the world around you was falling apart?

That feeling...that the ground beneath you is swallowing whole. Wishing that everything that happened was just a dream and not reality? That feeling of wanting to disappear from the face of the earth. That feeling... of wanting to lose your memories of something so painful your heart hurts. Your chest tightens as you struggle to breathe but at the same time you can only show a non-chalnant face on the surface. I've had that moment.

As cliche as it sounds, I never really thought there was much gender difference between friends. I hanged out with whoever I wanted to, without caring so much about gender difference. Not until the moment I heard he was being serious about it did I realize there could be no pure friendship between us. I knew I had to leave.

I booked the plane ticket for the next day.

Finally, I found the courage to leave.

I could now do what I've always wanted to do.

It have been five years now, since I left my home country. I finally returned home today. I've just landed at the airport and my dad had come to pick me up. I had not kept contact with any of my friends from the moment I left, so no one knew I had come home. It was for the best. I returned to the familiar home, the familiar scent of food being made in the kitchen. I had missed all these. For countless times in the five years I had been away, mom wanted me to come back. Enticing me with all the various delicacies. I had wavered several times.

But I could never bring myself to go through the same thing again. I came up with various excuses and delayed coming home time and again. The next day mom received several calls about me being home after so long. I had forgotten a very important thing, that was telling mom not to post on social media. Now everyone I know knows I'm home. Soon I had home visits one after other starting from seven O'clock in the morning till three in the afternoon. As much as I dreaded, I was glad he didn't show up.

I was invited to go for a birthday party of one my close friend during the weekend. Initially, the first thought was to refuse because there was a high chance of encountering him but I couldn't do so because after all, I owe my friends an apology for disappearing for so long. Also sooner or later I had to face him so I decided it was time I finally test myself.

Finally the weekend arrived. I picked myself up and dressed up for the event. I let my mom pick the gift not wanting to go out. The time for the event arrived so quickly. I went into a 'panic mode' once more. But I had to calm myself down. I had not had social gatherings and a social life for the past five years now. I needed someone to save me so, I had told my dad to pick me up by ten O'clock. If it was former self I would have ended up having a sleepover at my friend's house. Now I had zero social life, my confidence had dropped dead, no more makeup or socializing be it on the internet or real life. This was a tough battle.

For the first time in life I arrived early to a party. I did so inorder to leave early. I gave her my gift she refused it on the grounds that I had not regarded her as my best friend. I don't blame her because I really had been a bad friend. But she decided to be the bigger person as she hugged me and cried saying she had missed me so badly. I knew that moment I had been so wrong, to cut off all contacts with my friends because of my selfish reason. Soon, one after the other they started asking me what I had been upto. I said I got a PhD and now I was a Professor, they cheered me on while blaming me for not keeping contact. All the while I dreaded his coming. Minute after minute passed by as the door opened and closed. Then came the moment I had dreaded the most, he came and sat down beside her.

Lucky for me it was nearing nine O'clock. I had just one hour and then I could go. Just one hour. He gave her the gifts he had bought, wished her and finally looked towards me with a surprise look on his face. He had noticed me just then.

I had noticed him the moment he stepped into the room and dreaded his coming this whole time but it was a different case for him. So calm and non-chalant unlike me who panicked and didn't dare to look up to him even once. He didn't speak to me and nor did I start the conversation. As so unusual of my personality back then, I just smiled lightly and looked away. Forty- five , forty- four..fourty- three.. forty- two.. forty- one..forty...the countdown began in my head. Soon there was only twenty minutes left.

Suddenly I felt a hand on me...I was jolted back to reality as I realized it was best friend's hand. She pulled me and we went to the restroom hand in hand. Bringing me back memories from years back when we were always inseparable. In a group of six friends we were the only girls. Then she fixed her makeup and began questioning me with a flood of questions. I knew she had been enduring wanting to meet me 'personally' from the time I had arrived home. I let her beat me and vent her anger on me and then she cried. I didn't know how to react anymore. I cried along with her and told her I'd explain myself another day. Then we went back. I told her my dad was coming to pick me up, she wasn't willing to let me go but noticed my determination and didn't say any more.

I didn't enter the room to say my goodbyes. I left with my dad, who had been waiting for half an hour. I was glad I didn't have time to face him alone. Dad noticed my mood and reassured me everything would be fine. I hadn't explained anything to anyone. Not even my parents but somehow they never blamed me. I had drifted apart from everyone slowly in the past five years. Frequent calls in a day then turned into a mandatory call in a week, slowly becoming one call in two weeks and then one in three weeks and gradually turned into a mandatory monthly call.

Soon I didn't return calls anymore. Slowly it reached to a point where I began to text my parents. I no longer made calls.

I still heavily relied on my meds. I couldn't possibly survive without it. I never knew how I finished my doctorate. Never thought it was possible for me to do so with my mental state.

All I had faced was thanks to a twenty years friendship I had with him. We were a group of six friends. The two of us had been friends from the moment I turned three years old he was a year older than me, but I relied on him because our families were friends, and he took care of me everywhere. All the other four were friends we made throughout the years I made two friends, and he made the two other. Making us a group of six, for the first time I had a female friend in high-school and I introduced her to the friend group. We became fast friends, and soon we hanged out every day. Our group of friends had been friends for four years, and it would have been nine years if I had not left back then.

I had not kept contact with anyone from the friend group for the past five years. They were the only good friends I had. They had remained close even with my absence. I had often received calls from them after I had left...I never really had the courage to pick any. So soon our relation had become distant.

To be continued...

Have you ever had a moment when you felt the world around you was crushing apart? That feeling...that the ground beneath you is swallowing you whole. Wishing that everything that happened was just a dream and not reality? That feeling... of wanting to disappear from the face of the earth. That feeling of wanting to lose your memories of something so painful your heart hurts. Your chest tightens as you struggle to breathe but at the same time you can only show a non-chalnant face on the surface. I've had the moment.

All I had faced was thanks to a twenty years friendship I had with her. We were a group of six friends. The two of us had been friends from the moment I turned four years old she was a year younger than me, our families were friends, and she took care of me everywhere. All the other four were friends we made throughout the years I made two friends, and she made the two other, making us a group of six. For the first time, she had a female friend in high-school and introduced her to the friend group. They became fast-friends and soon they hanged out every day. Our group of friends had been friends for four years, and it would have been ten years if she had not left back then.

I've known her for my whole life. We've been friends for as long as twenty six years including the six years she has not been here. I've just turned thirty one and and she's turning thirty soon. Like all these years she's been away, I thought she wouldn't be here again for her birthday this year too. But, today her mother posted on her Instagram story that her daughter had come home. I was shocked and in disbelief. Until she posted a loving family photo with her five hours later. She looked even prettier and elegant but with a sense of aloofness, she wasn't someone I knew anymore. She felt beyond my reach, someone I could now only stare at through my screen. Someone who's face I could only touch through the screen and feel the coldness of the phone.

"You're back, you're finally back" I whispered.

The moment I confirmed she had come home, through her mom's post, the first thing I wanted to do was show up at her house, asking her why she left back then. But, the way she had ruthlessly cut off all contacts left me angry, and thought maybe she didn't want to be friends anymore. For the first week she arrived home, I held onto myself and the urge to show up at her house. But I couldn't resist the urge to roam around or have something or the other to do near her house. Yet, a week went by without seeing her. Ironical how, in the past not even half a day would go by without, us seeing each other.

Then, one evening I received a call from one of our close friend, she wanted to celebrate her birthday with everyone. Initially I planned on declining, but she urged me to turn up saying she had called her too, and we would be reuniting the friend group. My eyes lit up, but I nonchalantly said "Let me see"... because I've got something going on that day. That night I couldn't sleep, the birthday celebration was the next day, and the thought of seeing her again excited me so much I tossed and turned the whole night. I woke up with heavy eye bags due to lack of sleep.

I hardly had a wink of sleep. I began frantically searching for ways online to reduce my eye bags... something I've never done before. Likewise, I tried cold compress, placing ice cubes on my eyes, cucumbers, chilled spoons etc...everything seemed to work against me this morning. I then, took a long shower and rinsed my hair. I began to shuffle my clothes turning my closet upside down. The first time in my thirty years, I realized I did not have a decent piece of clothing. The noise I made in my room caught the attention of my mother, who worriedly asked me what I was looking for. I replied I needed to go shopping for clothes, shocked at what she just heard me saying, her jaw dropped. Yes I dressed decently but, never particularly went for shopping in the last six years. She picked on the clue and immediately told me to go for it. Then gave me addresses of a few places I could find good clothes. I immediately went and halfway there I realized I had forgotten to eat breakfast, and it was nearing noon.

I stopped by a restaurant and ordered plain egg sandwich and apple juice out of habit, packed it and had it in the car on the way. I carefully selected a few pieces of clothing I liked and went back home. I then started to wear my newly bought clothes and looked at myself before the mirror making myself look presentable. Do I look old? Do I look out of touch with trends? Do I look awkward in these light-colored pants? Does jeans not match me? I began questioning every piece of clothing. Time kept on ticking. The party was soon starting.

Years ago, parties would have been extravagant and held for long hours starting at midnight, but we've been through a lot and moreover she'd be uncomfortable. So, I suggested we hold a simple party with ten people at maximum for that night to which the birthday girl readily agreed...saying initially she had planned on inviting her to the bigger party she was holding later in the night but sensed that she was not so willing to attend. I told her there's a higher chance she'd turn up if you called her for the early party, because she'd now prefer the lesser crowd. To my joy, she responded saying she'd turn up for sure for the early party.

I began frantically preparing as soon as I knew she'd turn up. I had dreaded not seeing her, I feared she might change her mind the last moment and decide not to turn up. As much as I wanted to turn up early I was too anxious to do so. I arrived fifteen to twenty minutes late and hated myself for not turning up earlier. She had been here for some time then. With every fiber of my being I wanted her to be there, I longed to see her again and there she was. The moment I stepped into the room, I saw her. She was wearing an elegant dark green dress, beautiful as always. Her white glasses made her look extremely studious, seductively aloof and unapproachable. She looked like she was not in a good condition. Her mind was wandering, I wanted to walk up to her and grab her into a hug the moment I saw her.

She looked completely out of place, like she no longer belonged here, with us. Does she hate being here? Does she hate being with us? Is she sleeping well & eating on time? What is her favorite book now? Does she still love mystery and crime fiction? Does she know I've missed her? I held back the urge to stare at her but out of the corner of my eye I noticed each and every move. What happened to the once jovial goofy girl? The one who, would endlessly talk to me about her recent reads, favorite dramas, funny shows, and most beloved poems. Where did my girl go?

I could no longer hold onto my urge and decided to speak to her and turned to her but, the moment I turned to her, she had been grabbed by the birthday girl and together they went out. After what felt like an hour her friend returned...without her. I waited for some time and decided to go look for her, only to see her dad had come to pick her up and I couldn't catch up in time. The feeling of helplessness seeped into me again. I saw her leaving and and was reminded of the past...six years ago when she left without a word. I frantically searched for her. I had no idea where she was. Whether she was alive or dead. She left me feeling hopeless. I waited for her like an abandoned dog. I felt so much agony...like that feeling of wanting to disappear from the face of the earth. That feeling of wanting to lose your memories of something so painful your heart hurts. But as she returned six years later, that night, my chest tightened as I struggled to breathe but at the same time I could only show a non-chalnant face on the surface.

To be continued...

Wonder how a depressed person's personal diary would look like?

A peep into her diary⚠️

6/12/2018

I Wanna get out of here so bad!!!

I knew I wasn't anything close to special but, you made me feel like I was. Or maybe I am, but not in the way I hope it was.

7/12/18

Something went terribly wrong in me...I don't know what. I might kill myself...not the best idea. Don't leave me alone...I might end myself.

Can you hire someone to kill yourself?

I wonder...What can I do besides killing myself? I almost can't hold on anymore.

If I dare to die...I can damn well dare to live.

9/12/18

I'm so tensed...I can't do anything :(

I'm so scared...can't even fall asleep.

Hang on there.

You'll get there.

10/12/18

You were every reason, every hope and every dream I've ever had.

11/12/18

Funny to say...I don't even have one person I need to say my last goodbyes...everyone has someone else more important than me. Only my parents would treat me as priority. I loved this world because they're in it. Now I don't see the meaning of existence anymore. I think I should end myself.

Lately, I don't even have the energy to wake up or do anything at all. Life doesn't seem exciting anymore. I'm still young...these thoughts scare me but I can't help it. I see myself cutting...jumping down, running into a busy road. My intrusive thoughts have become my demons...

I don't go out anymore. My parents scold me saying I stay in the room the whole day...but I don't even have the energy to eat. Am I depressed or just given up on life fully?

12/12/18

My parents raised such a lively optimistic little girl. I can't find her in me anymore. Someone tell me where have the little girl with the shiny eyes, full of hope for life gone?

I should have been a happy little girl now. I don't want to live anymore. Lord can you... I think my time can be shortened. Lord, please.

17/12/18

There's nothing worth holding on to after all. Once I leave that'll be the end. It has come to the point of no return.

18/12/18

Live for yourself, lest you lose your dreams. If I don't love myself how do you expect me to love others?

19/12/18

There's so much to live for...I just haven't found which exactly.

I came across a quote... 'There's a Crack in everything that's how light gets in'. I hope it is the same for me. May I see the silver lining one day.

20/12/18

Went out for the first time in 2 weeks. I don't want to do so again. I met my friends...they all seem to be doing well, except me.

22/12/18

Celebrations are approaching. I need to get out soon.

23/12/18

When negative thoughts get to you. Try chanting positive thoughts or telling yourself positive things even when you don't believe it: I am pretty. I am healthy. I am happy. I am smart. I am living a happy life. I am perfect physically & mentally. I am good enough. I am doing better each day. I am enough. I am the Best. I can survive this. Let's do this.

24/12/18

Trying to live!!!

25/12/18

First time in my life I didn't have the energy to socialize. I went to church, and went back home before the festivities began.

My parents were frantically searching for me. I had several missed calls. I told them I didn't feel well, so I went ahead, which is true physically. I'm alive, but mentally I'm on the verge of breaking down. Furthermore, I get so tensed and unable to breathe when I have close socialization. Which is strange, coming from a social person like me.

26/12/18

I was trying to find the enthusiasm in me to go out. Nope, I couldn't. I didn't go to church today. I felt so physically drained. Told mom I had a stomach pain, which is a lie. I don't know what's wrong with me. But something in me has gone terribly wrong.

I told myself, I need to find reasons to live.

10 reasons to live.

...

Having the bed all to myself.

This is ridiculous. I can't find a single reason except one funny thing. I hope I'll be able to fill up all ten reasons one day.

27/12/18

Last night my parents came into my room for a serious talk.

They noticed, that I haven't been normal this month, I don't go out anymore, don't eat proper food, stay cooped in my room for several hours. They asked me if I needed help, whether I'm facing something bad. I broke into sobs and told them, nothing's wrong with me. Except that I'm not feeling the best and not wanting to do anything. I told them not to worry about me. Give me some time and I'll be okay. But, as they know me better, I was told we'd go to the psychiatrist tomorrow. My dad booked the appointment despite my protests.

28/12/18

I came up with several excuses to not go. Only gave in when I saw my mom tearing up. Emotional blackmail, but I know she wants the best for me.

Came back from the Psychiatrist appointment with my parents. Told me I needed to see a therapist & recommended one. She told me I need a change of environment and do things I've been wanting to do. Make a list called 'Life lists' and fulfill it one at a time. Then check in every week for a reward. I wonder what the reward would be.

29/12/18

'Life Lists'

Get a PhD

Bungee jumping

Skydiving

Ocean exploration

Climb the Himalayas.

Get a bike.

Play in the snow.

30/12/18

My therapist knows I love books. She'll give me new hardcover books for each list I finish in my 'Life lists'. My list she said, can go till fifty or more, which means fifty books or more for free. You don't know what that means to me. I would give up everything for this.

Got a University for Phd. I just need to finish the procedures & then start. I have started packing my stuffs. I have so many clothes that are ill-fitting. I can only carry so much to travel.

31/12/18

Got a new laptop and a tablet now that I'm seriously starting to study again.

As much as I love books & the smell of old books, I cannot gamble on books. I need to read it first to consider buying a physical copy.

1/01/2019

It's a new year. I'm leaving the day after. I've packed so little. Almost as if I'm going on a hiking not at all like I'm going far.

My mom feels bad about me leaving. I heard her sobbing the other night. But If I stay, she might me lose me, that's my biggest fear. Some days I get so depressed... I'm afraid I might attempt the unthinkable.

2/01/19

Should I say a final goodbye to my friends & relatives?

But, no one would notice even when I'm gone, so there's no point.

I've just reached a new low. It's getting to my head. I should get out before it gets too bad...to a point, where I'm irredeemable.

3/01/19

Woke up at 3:00am. My flight is at 10:15 am. Which means I need to leave for the airport by 7:00am.

I'd leave at 8:00 if it was in the past. My flight is for five hours and twenty-five minutes. I booked the shortest flight on purpose.

This was initially a round-trip ticket. I had planned on going away for just a few days but now coming back is not on my plan.

Finally, the day has arrived. Finding hard to leave my parents behind...sort of. Social interaction drains me now. Glad I'm leaving behind everything. Some days even my parent's enthusiasm & concern exhausts me. I have to put up an appearance in front of them to not worry them. Now that I'll be alone, I don't have to show up if I don't want to.

Arrived safely. It's beautiful here. Liberating to be in a new place where I don't have to smile at every person I see. I only smile genuine smiles. Like when I see a baby & dogs and get to eat a sweet apple or an ice cream.

Narrator: Just like that she stayed abroad for six years.

Yes, six years she stayed there with no plans of returning home, little to, no contact at all gradually.

Yes it was her, her bad memory all along...that thought five years went by but everyone else...like him knew she had left six years ago.

Yes it was her memory that confused her. It had actually been six years since she left...not five.

She has severe depression which lead to insomnia, weight gain, suicidal tendencies, insecurity, isolation. Taking antidepressants (prescribed medications) & drinking herbal tea like water for insomnia (Rosemary, chamomile, Butterfly pea).

10/01/19

Homesickness is like a shallow strait. I'm on this side & home is on the other.

15/01/19

Despite trying your best.

Regardless of how long you've worked hard.

Things doesn't always turn out how you want.

If things go on in this direction, I might loss my sanity...to the point where I unaliv3 myself.

Tell me I haven't worked hard enough. But that's not true. I've excessively worked hard.

I've bet my whole life trying to get through.

This one was my last chance to redeem myself.

Looks like there'll be one less person.

Is there anything worth holding on to?

No, not a thing.

No one to say my last goodbyes to.

No one to feel indebted to.

No one to worry about leaving behind.

No one to cry at my grave.

No one.

No.

16/01/19

This exam is my last chance to redeem myself. Deadline is near...11 days to go...

17/01/19

I'm thankful to dramas...they give me something to look forward to...in my bleak life.

27/01/19

I watched a very toxic movie...the Female lead was so mentally strong...even when everything went wrong she still continued to live. At every hurdle I was thinking why haven't she killed herself yet. She had no more reasons to live, but she still persistently lived on. I hated her spineless unconditional love. If it was me, I would have killed myself, this thought made me realize I never have had unconditional love for myself...my mental strength is so fragile to the point where a little stimulation/trigger lt could be life-threatening. I need to tell my therapist.

31/02/20

Doctor said I can reduce the dose of my antidepressants now. Though I still heavily rely on herbal tea to sleep. Nature does more good than harm so...that's an improvement.

05/07/22

How come I have several encounters with someone I don't want to meet while, so many years have passed, and I don't even have a chance encounter with you. Has our fate ended? Why would it be so hard to even cross paths even once. So unfair.

Haha, I've moved countries...I forget at times.

06/12/2022

I forgot how much I love the smell of old books. I got a lot of old books at a very reasonable price today...twenty five books in total. Girl, they were heavy.

Narrator: Six years of isolation and self-healing gradually helped her to improve her condition and find back her lost confidence. The next time they met was at their friend's birthday gathering.

15/03/2025

Happy Birthday to my Bestie. I know I shouldn't have left nor cut off all contacts with you. I hope you understand me...that was the only way I knew to survive at that time.

Why ...after so many years Why??? am I still fond of you. I feel the excitement in me as I see the sceneries that have once been. I still hesitate to strike up a conversation. Not only that, but I don't even have the basic human interaction ability when it comes to you. What will I do with all this memory that I alone cling onto. Maybe I still fancy you? But haven't years passed by? Three? No… Four, five years & still memories fresh as if yesterday had been our last day together. My hands sweaty & my heart restlessly thumping at the sight of you. The lump in my throat is still stuck from years ago as I part my lips to speak.

20/03/2025

How do I find back my lost memories? I don't remember much after I left. Something important must've happened. Had forgotten several things from the last five years, but those previous years still as vivid as a movie I've seen last night. You're a figure I conjure up at any moment of the day. The light at the end of my tunnel. The only thing that saved me from the slits. You kept me going. Just one more day so I could have a glance at you. As we parted I took a long look & thought to myself 'will this be the end of me?' I then had a new motif in life. I wanted to see you again. I've tried to cross paths but all to no avail. You are something I can't reach. I live my days trying to catch up with you.

..........................................................................................