I have put up with this from so long ...the fights, the waiting, the sweet talks are now all toxic or just the things have changed

In mine, they are worse and in his I genuinely think it's not difficult as mine and I do hope it's not I would not wish it upon anyone

I am sitting in my room with these Baggy Green pajamas and a crop talk because I felt hideous and just wanted to look in a mirror with dried tears eyes somehow brightening my face

This kills me still somehow I enjoy the pleasure at looking at my face and my not so thin belly cradeling upon the torture i am bringing it

So honestly my boyfriend is gone …it was long gone if I think of it …we did start rough

We needed shoulders and with this relation we got more of what we expected, ...a win surely

For both

My room is filled with the things I took out of the wardrobe for just finding one copy which suddenly appears in my consciousness when I break up

Quite good at least now I can have a deep clean but can I ...do I even have the strength?

So ...

I do not, I find a green slim dress over the pile of dresses and sit on the bed staring at the mirror just looking at my body

My hands are not covered, so I take a light green jacket and put on the highest heels I have got in white or in my overall collection

Put on the mix foundation cream and apply the first lipstick that my hands grab

I am ready to look at me one last time and leave the home with the car keys...

....

....

...

I just parked my car… Throughout the drive the music was bursting out of the car ...so loud people looked at me weird, but I didn't care at least I didn't have an accident

I knock on the door and here she is, my one and only place I can go onto, although I would only come here if I even had more

"heyy, omygod what happened to you did you cry Adre?"she looks at me worried... I want to be hesitant but she knows all

I go close to her and wrap my arms around her, she waits a moment and hugs me back…

"Let's get inside now" she says softly. I nod as she places me on the sofa

She sits beside me

" water ?" I nod no

"coffee" I, not no

"Sweet, snack anything"I nod no again and hug her

"so shall I say anything or u will?"she tilts her head, her eyes filled with concern

"I broke up with him"

"I know"she smiles

"so...mhm"

"so what?"

"I just don't have anything to say like yeah I broke up, and we had fights, so it felt like it was going to happen soon"

"I told you so but may I ask why this dress and makeup?"she puts her hand on my chin and points to my eyes

"I felt not so good, so I decided to dress up"

her hand is on my hands

"Are you sure it's not because of that" she questions me her voice cold as snow and eyes piercing thought body

I don't want to feel so uncomfortable with this sensation of the bareness of someone knowing your deepest things not just your mind making something up but reality

"No"I answered a bit late, and she surely understood what was happening

"Hey, hey, ... Adres I said in this tone just because I want you to tell the truth and if it made you uncomfortable I am sorry , I care for you"I wish I can tell her that her words help but not much nowadays

I sort of have some image of me that makes it hard to see what she sees

"Do u want a hug again" she tells everyone she is not a hug person than why I get so many

" Youu don't need to do that, I know u hate it"

" Ohh do god's sake only for the people I don't like"

"You don't like your mom"

"I doo she is just mom arhgh don't fight with me do u want we break up too"

shitt I know she meant it as a joke

adres adres adres

You are a strong kid you can Handle this

Now she is staring at me oh my my throat is tight now and yeah here they are

"Look at me"

"Wait I have to go to the washroom"

"Okay"I go as fast as I could hiding my face with my hairs

I don't understand if I'm strong and build up a good layer so no one could hurt me

I still end up crying at this silly thing

now I am sitting in the bathroom leaning against the wall, head on my knees

I hear a knock on the door, I check my phone and look at the time

It's 6:30

"hey everything okay"she is on the door

I went in almost half an hour ago, but I didn't even realize that

"Yes" my voice mumbled I spoke and walked towards the door

I feel unusual suddenly when I look at the reflection in the mirror from my side

My makeup is ruined, the prints are there making me understand how satisfied and irritated I am with all this

I open the door finally without caring for the face

Heff is staring at me, I stare back with nothing in my eyes just a reflection of her face

I try to say something but what can when I can barely stand, my legs might give up soon

I move my gaze and move from her side, she stays still

I don't understand why she is behaving like this all of a sudden

She grabs my hand ,our backs facing each other

She turns towards me and moves a step ahead, I look in her eyes, it feels cold vaguely showing any emotions

I look down waiting for her to say something

"look at me adres"she speaks softly yet hard

I look at her

"you can cry in front of me, what are best friends supposed to be there for, you can talk to me about stuff, explain it to me I will listen to you all the time and take care of -"

"Stop Stop Stop"my voice trembling

"heff"I shout

Her hands on my shoulder now

my shoulders jerk back on its own ...how bad I am, I can't even look at her

How weak I am

she is darting towards me the more I try to get away

The more she doesn't step back

I reach the door to my room

With no other thought she grabs my hands and pulls me but closer and in the sudden moment I don't even realize she has locked the door

"I won't let you lock the door, I know you need personal time, but please please let m-"

"No"I look her in the eyes

"you can't help me"my words are crisp

"Why"her voice is soft so I can let her in but can I?

I don't answer

but do u want to ? My face is washed with tears

"hmm can't I?"she is back to her cold tone

She is now close to me ,my back is resting on the door the same door which could have saved me from all this

"Tell me adres why do you think I AM NOT CAPABLE OF DOING you"

I am shocked

I am shocked to my core

the body which could have been collapsed any second is now like a statue who cannot even break the eye contact

She has been this dominating but never knew I would be in such a situation and affected by it

Her hands are now on my neck, it feels so cold

Yet something magical

She is staring at my eyes and next moment

Her lips are on my lips...

She is kissing me

She is pulling them

I can't think of anything I can't think of if it's even real or not , I can't think if it's just a dream

I cannot care less

then , let her do whatever she wants

So I can finally fall...

"i have fallen into the ocean even though I wanted to fly now I couldn't care less where I drown or where I live or where I fly"...adres