I Stole My Friends Bride
woah
finn(ml)
(Muffled groan) Shut up. Just… shut the hell up.
[Phone continues vibrating on the floor, buzzing against the wood like a chainsaw]
finn(ml)
(Fumbling blindly, hits the floor) Where is it… I’ll kill you. I’ll actually kill whoever is alive right now.
[The bedroom door slams open. Light pours in like a physical assault.]
finn(ml)
(Hissing) Close the door! My skin is melting!
lachlan
It’s 11:00 AM, you absolute degenerate! My parents are already in the car! My life is over in sixty minutes and you’re lying here smelling like a brewery!
finn(ml)
(Pulling a pillow over his head) Eleven is the middle of the night, Lachie. Go play with your Legos and leave me alone.
[Downstairs, Finn’s mom yells up the stairs]
finn(ml)
Lachlan! If you can get that sloth out of bed, I’ll cook you breakfast for a month! Use cold water if you have to!
...
Lachlan! If you can get that sloth out of bed, I’ll cook you breakfast for a month! Use cold water if you have to!
lachlan
(Yelling back) I’m considering a fire extinguisher, Mrs. Alexander!
finn(ml)
(Voice muffled) Traitor. Both of you.
lachlan
(Yanks the pillow away) Get. Up. Now. You promised me months ago that when this day came, you’d be the one to do the talking. I can’t do this, Finn. I’m vibrating. Look at my hands!
finn(ml)
(Squints at him) You look like you’re having a stroke. Why are you wearing a tie? It’s Saturday.
lachlan
It’s the meeting! The ‘Arrangement’ meeting! The girl, Finn! The one my parents picked!
finn(ml)
(Sits up slowly, hair a bird's nest) Oh. Right. The funeral for your freedom.
lachlan
Don’t call it that! Just… get dressed. Please.
finn(ml)
(Reaches for a half-full glass on the nightstand and drains it in one gulp)
finn(ml)
Is that… is that gin? At eleven in the morning?
finn(ml)
(Wincing as it hits) It’s medicine. For the pain of being your friend.
lachlan
You’re a mess. You’re a total, uncoordinated, alcoholic mess. How do you even have a reputation for being good with women? You look like a homeless surfer.
finn(ml)
(Smirks, leaning back) Because women love a project, Lachie. And I’m a masterpiece of a disaster. Now, get out so I can find some pants that don't smell like regret.
[Inside the girl's family home. The atmosphere is stiff, smelling of expensive jasmine tea and social anxiety.]
...
(Formal tone) We’ve always valued the connection between our families. Our son has been looking forward to this.
lachlan
(Sitting perfectly straight, voice cracking) Yes. I am… highly anticipatory. The union is… logical.
finn(ml)
(Snorting, whispered) ‘Logical’? What are you, a toaster?
lachlan
(Through gritted teeth) Shut up.
...
And who is this young man?
lachlan
This is my… consultant. Finn Alexander.
finn(ml)
(Leaning back on a velvet sofa, looking completely out of place) Hey. Nice house. Very… beige.
...
(Glares at Finn) Finn is a family friend. He’s here for support.
...
Well, Lachlan, tell us about your recent work in the firm.
lachlan
(Stiffly) My performance metrics have increased by twelve percent. I find the infrastructure of the corporate sector to be… robust. I am a robust employee.
finn(ml)
(Bursts out laughing) Robust? Lachie, you sound like a brochure for a tractor.
lachlan
(Face turning bright red) I am speaking professionally!
finn(ml)
You’re speaking like you’ve been programmed by a 1990s computer. Relax, man. You’re here to meet a girl, not audition for a spreadsheet.
lachlan
(Whispering fiercely) If you don’t stop, I will bury you in the backyard.
[A door opens at the top of the stairs. A girl walks down. She is wearing a simple, flowing dress, but the way she moves stops the air in the room.]
finn(ml)
(Stops laughing. Jaw actually drops.)
lachlan
(Completely frozen. Forgets how to breathe.)
[The girl, Olive, enters the circle. Her eyes are sharp, curious, and incredibly bright.]
olive(fl)
Sorry I’m late. I was finishing a chapter. I’m Olive.
olive(fl)
(Tilts her head) Is everything okay? Did I walk into a wax museum?
...
Lachlan? Say something.
lachlan
(Voice an octave higher) Hello. I am Lachlan. I am… robust.
finn(ml)
(Slaps his own forehead)
olive(fl)
(Smirks slightly) Robust? That’s a new one. Nice to meet you, Robust.
[Lachlan pulls Finn into the hallway for a 'private moment']
lachlan
(Hissing) Did you see her? Finn! Did you see her face?
finn(ml)
(Dazed) I saw it. I’m seeing stars, mate.
lachlan
How is she? Give me the professional verdict. Quickly!
finn(ml)
(Breathless) Hot. Sexy. Fire. She’s an absolute smoke-show, Lachie. She’s way out of your league. Like, she’s in the Champions League and you’re playing in a muddy park.
lachlan
(Shoves him) Don’t say that! That’s my future wife you’re talking about! Stop calling her 'sexy' in front of my parents!
finn(ml)
I’m just being honest! You asked for the verdict!
lachlan
(Panicking) I can’t go back in there. I’m going to say something about spreadsheets again. I can feel it. My brain is melting.
finn(ml)
Just be yourself. Actually, no, don't be yourself. That was terrible.
lachlan
(Grabs Finn by the shoulders) You. You have to do it.
lachlan
Talk to her! You’ve dated half the coast! You’ve had more ‘situationships’ than I’ve had hot dinners. You have the experience. Use your… your charm or whatever that gross thing is you do. Talk to her for me. Direct the conversation so I don’t look like a robot.
finn(ml)
You want me to flirt with your fiancée?
lachlan
Not flirt! Just… bridge the gap! Make me look cool! If I talk, I die. Please, Finn. I’ll pay for your drinks for a year.
finn(ml)
(Straightens his messy shirt, a slow smirk growing) A year of free drinks?
lachlan
Anything! Just save me!
finn(ml)
(Pats Lachlan’s cheek) Step aside, Robust. Let a professional handle the heavy lifting.
cut
finn(ml)
You know, they say you never actually see a girl’s real face until the morning after the wedding. All this... (gestures vaguely at her face) ...it’s usually just high-quality structural engineering.
olive(fl)
(Doesn't look up from her book) Structural engineering? You make it sound like I’m a bridge, Finn.
finn(ml)
Bridges are reliable. Women? Women are a marketing campaign. You spend months buying into the ‘sweet and quiet’ brand, then you wake up and realize you’ve signed a lifetime contract with a dictator who hates your friends and wants to change your wallpaper
olive(fl)
(Finally looks up, amused) Wow. Who hurt you? Was it a girl in a saree or a particularly aggressive interior designer?
finn(ml)
No one hurt me. I’m just an observer of the species. A man’s life is his own kingdom until he puts a ring on a finger. Then, suddenly, he’s a tax-paying citizen of her emotions. It’s a scam.
olive(fl)
(Closes her book slowly) So, in your world, a woman is just a luxury item that turns into a liability?
olive(fl)
Interesting. And tell me, does this 'kingdom' of yours involve a lot of drinking and smoking at eleven in the morning? Because I smelled you from the hallway.
finn(ml)
(Smirks) It’s my life. My lungs, my liver, my rules. I like the fog.
olive(fl)
(Voice soft, remarkably calm) It’s definitely your life. And you’re free to burn it down however you like. But the thing about fog is that eventually, you lose your way home. One day, you’ll want to see something clearly, and you won’t be able to find the light. That’s when the 'harm' isn't just physical.
finn(ml)
(Inner thought: Wait. Why did that actually sound smart? Usually, girls just tell me I’m being a jerk. She sounds like she’s pitying me. I hate being pitied.)
finn(ml)
Whatever. You’re just saying that because you’re a 'good girl.' Speaking of which... do you actually like that robot in the other room? Lachlan?
olive(fl)
I haven't really seen him yet. Not the real him.
finn(ml)
He’s a spreadsheet with a heartbeat, Olive. He’s safe. He’s boring. You’re really okay with your family just picking a 'logical' match for you?
olive(fl)
If my family chooses it, I accept it. They want me settled. I like whatever makes them happy.
finn(ml)
(Staring at her) You’re a weird girl. Truly. You’re like a character from a 19th-century novel stuck in a designer dress.
olive(fl)
(Smiling slightly) And you’re like a 21st-century tragedy stuck in a hangover. Anything else, Mr. Consultant?
finn(ml)
(Inner thought: She didn’t even flinch. She’s hot, she’s smart, and she’s absolutely terrifying. I need to get out of this room before I start liking the way she talks.)
[Back in the living room. The parents are standing up, looking expectant. Lachlan looks like he’s about to faint.]
...
Dad: Well? Did the two of you have a productive talk?
...
(Whispereing to Finn) Did she like me? Did you fix it?
finn(ml)
(Loudly, ignoring the tension) Your grandpa is still alive, right Lachie?
lachlan
(Blinks) What? Yeah, he’s at the nursing home. Why?
...
Good. Let him come next time. He’s got more personality than you right now. Maybe he can do the talking.
...
Finn! That is incredibly rude!
finn(ml)
(Shrugging) Just being honest. Look, the 'meeting' was fine. She’s weird, he’s a toaster, and I’m tired. Can we go?
...
(Trying to save face) Perhaps it’s best if we conclude for today. We can visit again another day when everyone is... more rested.
finn(ml)
(Walking toward the door) Yeah. 'Rested.' Great idea. See ya, Robust.
[Later that evening. Finn’s house. Finn is in his room, looking at his massive, expensive King-sized bed. He is holding a heavy-duty pocket knife.]
[Rrrrrip. Slash. The sound of high-thread-count fabric tearing fills the room.]
...
(Rushing in) Finn! What on earth are you doing?!
...
(Standing in the doorway, horrified) That mattress cost four thousand dollars! Why are you sawing it in half?
finn(ml)
(Breathing hard, cutting a giant jagged line down the middle) It’s too big! It’s too much! I feel like I’m drowning in a cloud!
...
It’s a luxury mattress, you ungrateful boy!
finn(ml)
It’s a trap! I wake up and I don't know where the edge is! I feel suffocated! Everything is so soft and perfect and beige and I’m losing my mind!
finn(ml)
I’m not having an episode! I’m having a realization! My life is too comfortable! It’s making me lazy! (Slashes the pillow for good measure)
...
Put the knife down, Finn. You’re having another one of your 'episodes.'
...
(Sighing, crossing her arms) You’re not suffocated by the bed, Finn. You’re suffocated by your own lack of purpose. Maybe your father is right. Maybe you need what Lachlan has.
finn(ml)
Freezes) If you say 'arrangement,' I will jump out of this window.
...
We’re going to make you marry. It’s decided. You need someone to stop you from stabbing furniture at midnight.
finn(ml)
(Laughing maniacally) Oh, please. Who would have me? And I’m telling you now—I don’t want a party. I’m not doing the whole white-wedding-circus with three hundred people I hate.
...
A normal marriage. Simple. Quiet.
finn(ml)
No flowers. No speeches. No 'robust' talk.
...
Agreed. We just want you settled.
finn(ml)
(Narrowing his eyes) You’re being too easy. What’s the catch?
...
No catch. Just pick someone. Honestly, Finn, at this point, if you brought home a cat or a dog and said you wanted to legally bind your life to it, we’d probably just ask what it wanted for dinner.
finn(ml)
(Smirks) A cat? Really?
...
We are desperate! Just give us a name. Any girl. Even if she’s as crazy as you are.
finn(ml)
(Inner thought: Olive’s face pops into his mind. Her calm voice. The way she told him he’d lose his way in the fog.)
finn(ml)
You sure? Any girl?
...
(Throwing his hands up) Yes! If she’s human and has a pulse, we will sign the papers tomorrow!
finn(ml)
(Leaning back against his half-destroyed bed, twirling the knife) Careful what you wish for. I might just pick someone who’ll make your lives very, very complicated.
...
(To Dad) Does this mean he’s going to stop cutting the bed?
finn(ml)
(Grinning) Only if the girl I pick likes sleeping on the floor.
[The next morning. Finn’s phone rings. It’s Lachlan.]
lachlan
(On phone) Finn! My parents are calling her parents again. They want to set a date for the official engagement party!
finn(ml)
(Looking at the wreckage of his room) Don’t do it, Lachie.
lachlan
Why? You said she was hot!
finn(ml)
She is. She’s fire. And you? You’re made of cardboard, man. You’re gonna get burned.
lachlan
I’ll be fine! Just… stay away from her until the wedding, okay? You’re a bad influence.
finn(ml)
(Looking at a piece of the torn mattress) Too late, buddy. I think I already started a fire.
[Finn hangs up and stares at the wall. He realizes he didn't just mock Lachlan yesterday—he was jealous. He’s a mess, he’s lazy, and he’s "stifled," but for the first time in years, he’s actually awake.]
finn(ml)
(To himself) A cat or a dog, huh? Well... let's see how they feel about a girl who reads the ending of the book first.
wedding
[The following morning. Olive’s family living room. Finn enters, looking unusually sharp in a black button-down, accompanied by a nervous-looking man in a cheap suit—the Matchmaker.]
...
(Sweating profusely, glancing at the envelope of cash Finn gave him) Mr. and Mrs. Harrison, thank you for seeing us. There has been… a development. Regarding the Lachlan proposal.
...
A development? We were expecting his family for the formal agreement today.
...
Leaning back, looking devastated) That’s the problem, sir. My conscience wouldn't let me stay silent. I’ve known Lachlan a long time, but what his family is discussing behind closed doors… it’s a tragedy.
...
What are you talking about?
...
They’ve been complaining that the dowry—the family gift—isn't enough. They said, and I quote, ‘We are a robust family, we need a robust payment.’ They were mocking your daughter’s upbringing, saying she’d need 'retraining' to fit their status.
...
(Face reddening) Retraining? My daughter is a masterpiece!
finn(ml)
(Adding fuel) It broke my heart, sir. Lachlan told me he just wants a wife who will stay out of his way. He called Olive ‘efficient.’ Like a piece of office equipment. Honestly, I’ve already found a better suitor for her. Someone with ten times the assets, a better name, and—dare I say—a much better soul.
finn(ml)
Patting his own chest, eyes gleaming) Me. I’m the suitor. I’m independent, and I don't care about family settlements. I just care about… (he looks at the door as Olive enters) …saving her from a life of being 'efficient.'
[Suddenly, the front door swings open. Finn’s parents burst in, dressed in high-end designer labels and expensive jewelry. They are carrying a vintage bottle of champagne and an heirloom ring box.]
...
Beaming, hugging Olive’s shocked mother) Oh, are we late? We brought the Celebrant! We’ve heard the news!
...
(Stunned) The Celebrant? What is happening?
...
(Clapping Olive’s dad on the back) Our son has finally chosen! We’ve decided—why wait? In the Alexander family, when we find a treasure, we bring it home immediately. We have the legal papers, the rings, and the blessing ready!
...
Wait… where is the groom?
finn(ml)
(His smirk slowly dies as he realizes his parents have taken his 'scam' and turned it into a high-speed reality) Uh… sir. That would be me.
...
You? The boy who looked like a disaster yesterday?
finn(ml)
(Gulping) I… uh… I cleaned up?
[The room falls into a heavy, suffocating silence. Olive stands in the corner, her eyes locked on Finn. She sees the sweat on the matchmaker’s brow. She sees the triumph in Finn’s eyes. She realizes exactly what he’s done.]
olive(fl)
(Her voice is a calm blade) You want to marry me right now, Finn? To 'save' me?
finn(ml)
(Trying to regain his cool) Better me than a robot, right?
olive(fl)
(A long pause) Fine. Let’s do it.
[An hour later. The ceremony is a blur of legal vows, a backyard garden setting, and Finn looking like he’s accidentally walked into a bear trap he set for someone else. They exchange rings. They sign the certificates. Finn Alexander is no longer a free man.]
[Finn’s Mansion. Late night.]
[Olive enters the master bedroom. She stops. The room is massive, draped in cream silks, and practically drowning in white roses and jasmine. It’s the room of a prince, not a lazy rebel.]
finn(ml)
(Sitting on the edge of the bed, a bottle of expensive whiskey in one hand, his tie hanging loose around his neck like a noose) Welcome to the… the gilded cage.
olive(fl)
(Taking in the luxury) This isn't the room of a man who sleeps on the floor, Finn.
finn(ml)
(Slurring heavily, gesturing at the flowers) My parents… they went overboard. They think if they put enough jasmine in here, I’ll forget that marriage is just a… a social scam. A legalized contract to kill your personality.
olive(fl)
(Walking toward him, her bridal jewelry clinking) If you think it’s a scam, why did you do it? Why the matchmaker? Why the lies about Lachlan?
finn(ml)
(Looking up at her, eyes bloodshot but intense) Because you were… you were different. Everyone else just looks at me and sees a rich wreck. You looked at me like you were reading a book you’d already finished. I wanted to change the ending.
olive(fl)
And what’s the ending now?
finn(ml)
(Laughing bitterly) I don't know. I’m drunk. Marriage is a lie we tell to keep the world from feeling lonely. It’s… it’s incorrect. The whole concept is… flawed structural engineering.
olive(fl)
Then why me? Of all the girls you could have scammed?
finn(ml)
(Voice dropping, almost a whisper) Because you’re the only one who made me feel like I was the one being 'robust.' You’re fire, Olive. And I… I just wanted to see if I’d burn.
[Finn wobbles, his head lolling back. He tries to take another sip of the whiskey, but his hand drops.]
finn(ml)
(Muttering) Don’t look at me like that… like I’m a project… I’m not…
[He falls back onto the pillows, passing out instantly. His shoes are still on, and his expensive shirt is crumpled.]
olive(fl)
(Watching his chest rise and fall) You’re such a coward, Finn Alexander. You stole a bride just because you were bored.
[She feels a strange pang of sadness for him. He has everything—the money, the looks, the family—and yet he’s so desperate that he has to sabotage his best friend just to feel alive. She sighs and sits on the edge of the bed.]
[Gently, she unlaces his heavy leather shoes and pulls them off. She hauls his legs onto the bed and throws the duvet over him. He grunts in his sleep but doesn't wake.]
[Olive walks over to the large vanity mirror. She looks at the 'Bride' staring back—the heavy necklace, the dark kohl eyes, the elaborate hair. She looks like a queen, but she feels like a stranger.]
[She begins to pull the pins from her hair, letting the heavy tresses fall. She takes a cloth and wipes away the red lipstick, then the heavy foundation, rubbing until her skin is bare and pale.]
olive(fl)
(Looking at her reflection) You wanted the real face, Finn.
olive(fl)
[She looks at the sleeping man in the bed behind her.]
olive(fl)
Too bad you’re too drunk to realize that you didn't steal me. I let you take me. Now let’s see which one of us burns first.
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