I was sitting in my professor's scarcely lit office, staring at the same test results I had been staring at for hours and getting absolutely nowhere. We had the first trial of our experiment that morning, and unfortunately, it had not gone as planned. Neither the professor nor I had any clue what had gone wrong.

It was very important research that I had worked incredibly hard to be a part of ever since my professor had told me about it during my sixth semester. Now I was halfway through my second year of graduate school, so the success of this was no longer important solely out of personal interest, but also for my thesis, which I had written on the backbone of this research.

So here I was, exhausted and with no hope that we would find a solution before much later. I looked up at the old wooden clock that had ticked loudly enough to fill me with dread, given the unfruitful passing of time. It was already five pm, and we had been staring at the data for six hours already, getting no closer to understanding what went wrong. Moreover, it was Friday, which meant movie night with Xiaomei, just like every other Friday for the last couple of years.

Xiaomei was my three-year-younger stepsister, but more importantly, she was the girl I had been in love with, probably from the very first moment I met her when I was just 12 years old. To her, however, I had always simply been her big brother whom she adored more than anything. Because of that, I had never had the heart to tell her that I secretly wished that she would wake up one day and realize that I was the love of her life. Instead, I had spent the last decade caring for her and spoiling her in the role of the perfect older brother. This had made me genuinely happy, and so it had been easier to ignore the kind of heartache that comes from denying yourself the thing you want most for so long.

I looked down at the phone, my fingers hovering over the keyboard, trying to type out a message to Xiaomei to let her know that I wouldn't be able to make it home in time for movie night. I was hesitating, not just because I didn't like disappointing her but also because I missed her and wanted to see her more today of all days. But when I looked over at my professor, seeing the clear stress on his face, I collected myself and texted her a short message letting her know I had to cancel and that I would call when I made it home. Then I put my phone down and went back to look at the test results.

"This makes no sense, Professor... we did everything according to the calculations. Should we try running the calculations again?" I asked, looking to my professor, who tried to shake off the exhaustion and frustration before answering. "Yes... I see no other logical explanation for these results than a mistake in our calculations." He said, got up from his seat, and walked determinedly over to the whiteboard.

For the next four hours, we ran the calculations again and again until we finally found the mistake. A small mistake that had somehow completely skewed the test results and almost had us questioning the whole premise behind the research. We silently wrapped up, too exhausted to really comprehend the grandeur of the moment. "Thanks for the hard work today, Tyanyu. See you on Monday, and do make sure to rest up properly during the weekend," My professor said, as we headed out the main door. "Thank you, Professor Bin, you too," I said, smiling before walking towards my apartment.

It was almost ten and the middle of February so it was dark, and the air was cold, making me walk at a brisk pace. As I walked down Mingde Avenue, I thought about the fact that on any other Friday, I would have been cuddled up on the couch with Xiaomei, watching one of the many romantic movies that she would pick out and that I would pretend to find boring. They were never boring, but they simply reflected the very thing I had denied myself, which made them especially difficult to watch with her. It wasn't as if I hadn't tried loving someone else. I had dated Zihan when I first started university, but after a year of dating, I realized that I was much worse off, forcing myself to try loving someone else, and it didn't feel fair to her to pretend, even if I was good at it. So I had yet again focused on my studies, which in all fairness had delivered great results, and so the motivation to find someone else had dwindled.

As I was lost in my own thoughts, I felt a small raindrop, then another, and grabbed my hoodie and took off running. Just before the rain began to rain truly, I reached the door to my apartment complex. I swung it open and walked up the stairs, feeling relieved because getting soaked would have been the bitter end to a very exhausting day. Instead, I climbed the flights of stairs, only to find Xiaomei sitting on the steps right in front of my door with her arms around her legs and her forehead resting on her knees.

Xiaomei was sitting on the stairs, shaking like a leaf and looking exhausted. "Hey... what are you doing here, Princess?" I said, bending down and brushing a strand of hair behind her ears to gently gain her attention. She lifted her head quickly, first with excitement at seeing me, and then she seemed to remember that she had planned to be angry and wore her signature pout instead. "Mom and dad were fighting again, so I came here, before remembering that you had canceled," she said, in a bitter tone that years of experience had told me was more sadness than actual anger. I also realized that she must have sat there in the cold for more than two hours, so I would have to coax her gently. "I can tell you are angry with me, but can we go inside and get you warm before you tell me how I can make it up to you?" I said, extending my arms to carry her like I always did when she was tired or sad. She didn't hesitate to put her arms around my neck and jump up, swinging her legs around my waist. Without another word, I walked towards my door, unlocking it and walking inside.

I headed towards the kitchen, where I put her down on the kitchen island and started making her a cup of warm milk. I didn't say anything before I handed her the warm milk, and she had taken a couple of sips. When I could see the tension from the cold disappear, I finally spoke. "Tell me about mom and dad," I said, putting my hand on her lap in comfort. She sighed a little and then took another sip of the milk before talking. "Daddy Tao has gotten worse lately... He comes home drunk at all times of the day, and when he isn't drunk, he is sleeping." She said, with the kind of disappointment reserved for the people you love. "Mom has tried to encourage him, but he just refuses all help, and then they end up yelling at each other out of frustration." Her tone told me the yelling was a regular occurrence, which had been worse on this day and had led her to come here on the one day that I hadn't been home to comfort her.

I couldn't help but sigh too. My dad had lost his job three years before because the company had needed a scapegoat and had apparently decided that my dad was expendable. At first, I had tried helping him to the best of my ability, but when no other company wanted to hire him, he had started drinking, and no matter what I did, it had only gotten worse. I had spent so many nights helping him out of trouble that I had been forced to move out of the dorms, and I had exhausted every available resource, trying to find him a job, only to have him turn them down because they weren't "worthy" of his talents.

"I don't think talking to him will do any good, but I will go talk to Mom Jing soon to find a solution... okay?" I looked at Xiaomei, knowing she had tried to shoulder this all by herself and had waited until it had gotten so bad that it had become physically painful before telling me. She nodded, breathing out as if she trusted me to fix this like I had fixed everything else for her. "And... next time, please don't wait to tell me until it is so bad that you have to sit outside on a cold staircase for hours. You make me really worried when you do something like that." I said in my sternest voice, which was not at all stern, but different enough from the usual gentle tone I used with her that she seemed to understand how serious I was. "Sorry..." she said, looking down at the floor, which made her hair cascade over her face. "I won't worry you like that again," she mumbled through the layers of hair. I smiled at her apologetic tone and reached out a hand to brush her hair away and caress the side of her face as if telling her that it was okay.

"Have you eaten?" I asked in a lighter tone, already heading to the fridge to see what I have. "No..." All the previous frustration and anger had left her, leaving a sweet girl who was resigned to accept all the warmth and care I could provide her with. I took out some eggs and spring onions, holding them up. "I forgot to get groceries... but I can make steamed eggs." I turned to her, giving her a weak smile, hoping that the pout wouldn't return, but to my delight, she immediately flashed me a big smile. "I love your steamed eggs! Please make that!" she said, swinging her legs excitedly. I cracked three eggs into a bowl and poured in the water, broth, and sesame oil before whisking them with the kind of precision honed from years of surviving on only steamed eggs, rice, and noodles.

"So... while I am in your good graces, please tell me how I can redeem myself for canceling movie night?" I said not being one to shy away from taking responsibility, but also preferring her to be in a good mood before I did so, because when she was not, forgiveness did not come cheaply. I had never minded her acting spoiled because I truly enjoyed spoiling her even when she was less reasonable, and I knew that I had been the one to encourage it in the first place. She had also always cared for me in her own way in return and always been able to read me in a way no one else could.

"Oh yeah, I forgot I was being mad about that," she said, and immediately put on a pout again, but this time there was no real force behind it. "You are ridiculous," I said, laughing at her very unserious pout. "Just tell me what you want and stop forcing that pout, Princess." She looked at me, faking offense, but then went right into a thoughtful expression. "Hmmm... I want a whole movie day next weekend. I want all my favorite snacks. Oh! And I get to decide what food we order," She said, surprising me with a perfectly reasonable request. "You've got it, Princess!" I said as I placed the egg mixture in the steamer and started chopping up the spring onion.

We fell into a comfortable silence as I started making the rice, and she quietly tracked my every move while swinging her legs in contentment. She would often just look at me when I was doing very mundane tasks, and I had never minded having her full attention, though I had always wondered why. So after starting the rice cooker, I turned around and leaned against the counter. "Why do you always stare at me like that when I am cooking?" I asked, breaking the short silence. She smiled and seemed to think for a little while. "You always seem so sure of what you are doing and so peaceful... I love seeing you like that," She said matter-of-factly, completely unaware of how much a sentence like that affected me. "I am more levelheaded when you are here... If you weren't, I would probably have spent five minutes just looking into the fridge," I said, earning a small giggle from Xiaomei that made my heart skip a beat. "So you are only perfect when I am around," she concluded, not helping the weakened condition of my heart. "That isn't fair... I also want to know the less-than-perfect you." This was a throwaway comment to her that she seemed to forget the moment I answered it with silence, which was a great relief to me. I had always made sure to be the perfect big brother whom she could depend on at all times. This was a big part of how I kept myself from acting on my feelings, because a perfect big brother doesn't expect anything in return other than his sister's happiness. Knowing that she not only didn't expect perfection but actually wanted to see me when I was less than perfect was dangerous.

I was yanked from the trance I had been in when the rice cooker started playing its little melody signaling it was done, which happened to fit perfectly with the steamed eggs being ready. I carefully lifted the bowl of steamed eggs from the steamer, having on more than one occasion burned myself in the process. I cut into it, pouring on a bit of soy sauce and covering it in spring onions before putting it on the table with two bowls of rice. "Come sit, Princess," I said, before sitting down myself. Xiaomei sat down looking like she had been starved, which was probably true since I had never known her not to be hungry even right after having eaten. As we ate, she told me about how hard her classes were getting now that she was in her fourth semester of university, and I listened with the same special attention I only paid her.

After dinner, we cuddled up on the couch, not talking but simply resting in each other's company the way years of living together as kids had taught us. I was caressing her back soothingly while listening to the rain as it hit the window in a rhythmic pattern. Xiaomei was humming softly as she mindlessly played with my fingers when she finally spoke. "Can I stay here tonight? I really don't want to go home," she said in the voice she reserved specifically for pleading with me. I adjusted slightly to look at her with a humored look on my face. "Did you really think I was planning to send you home this late?" I said, laughing softly, seeing the dumbfounded look on her face. "Of course, you are staying here. You will take my bed, and I will sleep here on the couch."

At those words, she sat up with a huge smile before wrapping her arms around my neck and hugging me tightly. "You always spoil me so much! You are the absolute best!" she said in a low-pitched squeal. I smiled widely, her pure joy warming my heart. "It is all part of an elaborate plan to raise your expectations, so I know my future brother-in-law will treat you well," I said in a tone that sounded as if I was kidding. I was not. She giggled sweetly but then seemed to reflect. "I would rather not get married and simply let you spoil me for the rest of my life." She said in a defiant voice, perhaps assuming that I would tell her that she would change her mind once she found the right man, as most people would. "Then I have done my work exceptionally well," I said, chuckling warmly as I hugged her tighter, muffling her giggles with my shirt. "However, whether you get married or not, I am not going anywhere".

The words flowed naturally because I had said them to myself a million times. No matter what, I would be happy for her and care for her for the rest of my life. It was also something I had already been forced to practice when she had briefly dated a nice, and unfortunately very good-looking guy named Shuai during her senior year of high school. He had treated her well, and they had seemed happy together until they decided to break up after Shuai got accepted to a university in Chengdu. Xiaomei had wanted to stay in Shanghai, since she didn't have the heart to leave her mom alone with my dad. I had done surprisingly well at being happy for her, but I was certainly much happier when they broke up, especially since Xiaomei hadn't seemed too distraught either.

I watched as she seemed to absorb my words, resting her head gently on my chest, and then her body slowly went boneless on top of me like a kitten. Her hand was clutching my shirt with the kind of possessiveness that I chose to ignore to keep myself sane. Not long after, I could hear in the way her breathing had slowed that she had fallen into deep sleep. It was times like these where my restraint cost me most, but also when I remembered why I had chosen not to act on my feelings. I was her safe space, the person that she confided in. I knew that if I were to act on my feelings, that trust might get tainted. I wouldn't risk that when she had never once shown any signs of liking me as anything other than a brother.

I carefully held her sleeping figure close as I lifted us both off the couch and walked to my bedroom, where I slowly settled her down on the bed and covered her with the duvet. Her hand was still clutching my shirt tightly, and when I tried to loosen her grip, she instead pulled me down. This was enough to make me give up any notion of sleeping on the couch, and so instead I moved her delicately to the side, lying down with my arm beneath her. I told myself that this would be okay, that I could allow myself this. However, as I lay there completely awake, listening to the sound of her soft breathing and feeling her adjust in my embrace, I couldn't help but wish I could have this every night. I knew this wasn't something I could wish for, but I also knew that it would be impossible to convince myself otherwise while she was sleeping in my arms. I looked down at her face, now completely devoid of any worry and as beautiful as ever. Her hair fell lightly over her face, making her scrunch her nose adorably, and I lifted my hand to brush the hair behind her ear. Then, before I could stop myself, I leaned down and kissed her forehead, and heard myself utter a whispered 'I love you'. I had said it before, but this time it was with all my complicated feelings behind it, and I could feel a stubborn tear threaten to fall. I quickly shut my eyes, now determined to fall asleep before I could feel the full weight of the misery that came from fully understanding the beauty of what I was denying myself.