I am sixteen years old this year(don't ask which year) , soon 18 will come.

Not to be dramatic or anything I will never cross 18th, I don't want to. It's a taboo to talk about such but for me, I hope I die soon, I have nobody to hold my hand and say "you're going to be alright, I am for you here" maybe you guys want the same support and warmth.

Losing my brother is devastating, he was my future tree I plan to lean on in my life whenever storms and thunders comes my way, but now I could never.

Beside Him, I have someone I love the most, she is a mess. She is too toxic to be loved, but she is so broken I can't help but love her more and more. Is that an issue? I hope not cause calling it love was enough for me to look her way.

When you see her you will recognize her immediately, short shinny black hair that she cut over and over cause apparently she doesn't need more memories, it framed her small face softly gently like I would want to hold her face, cupped them and tell her how beautiful she is, I love her hair the most.

Beside her hair, I like her hands soft to hold them. She doesn't like anyone close or be physical as simple as holding hands or hugging but she let babies and siblings hold her hand as they cross the road, hug the kids as a form of showing love. She thinks if she hold their hands, hug them, show them how normal love is they will grow opposite of her. She is a lovely angel, No exaggeration

She wears leathers isn't that the coolest thing she can do, though she smokes, drinks and go out, she is till somewhat a wounded puppy in her heart. I know what she went through even if people don't know how she became such rebellious.

Her friends aren't that close to her, She makes friends really easily and also lose them easily. She is good in self sabotaging her life when it gets too good according to her. I am the only one who stayed beside her after every sabotaging.

When we first met she was hella rude and cold to me, funny now I remember it cause she is like a cat with me. She doesn't say but I know she is comfortable with me. How? She doesn't smoke if we hang out, she forget drinks exist if we spend time together.... well unless some people make it worse.

She isn't that older than me just a year older, I like it that way. I want her to me more mature then me and she is, she is way mature than her age, people praise her for it like it was some great thing not an issue from years of trauma.

More than me , She needs someone to hold her hand and say" you're going to be fine, I am here" and that's going to be me, She will get my undivided comfort forever until I die.

This is my entry for today.

... Devote....