The Accidental Groom
The 'Brilliant' Plan
[Characters :
1.Jake Miller- 26 ,overthinks everything, owns 3 air fryer
2.Meera "Mia" Petrov- Jake's girlfriend ,25,can speak 2 languages(Russian and English)
3.Dmitri "Dima" Volkov- 26, Jake's bestfriend, emotional support himbo, professional at eating
4.The Millers- Jake's Parents]
Jake and Mia had been together for 4 years.He had the ring.He had the speech.He did NOT have his parents' approval.
Why? Because last Thanksgiving Frank said "I don't know about those... international girls". And Linda followed it with "We just want grandkids who can pronounce 'Worcestershire' "
Jake panicked, So at 2 am, fueled by cold pizza , Jake texted Dima
Jake Miller
[texts Dima] Bro emergency , need you to pretend to be my boyfriend.
Dmitri Volkov
[texts back] again? last time was for your car insurance
Jake Miller
[text] No this is BIG. We go to my parents ,We hold hands , We say we're getting married. They will scream NO. Then next week I bring Mia and they'll be like "oh thank God it's just a Russian girl"
Dmitri Volkov
[text]...this is stupid
Jake Miller
[text]$500 and unlimited access to my mom's lasagna
Dmitri Volkov
[text] I'm in. For the lasagna. Not you.
Masterplan complete (💭Jake)
[The Miller House- Sunday]
Linda Miller
"Jake, honey. You look nervous, Are you in trouble with the IRS again?"
Frank Miller
"Did you finally get a real job?"
Jake stands up. Dima stands up. They're both in matching button-downs because Dima said "If we're doing gay. We're doing GAY."
Jake Miller
"Mom, Dad...Dima and I... we're in love. And we want to get married"
Dmitri Volkov
on cue, puts his arm around Jake and says in his thick Russian accent,
"I will make him very happy. And many grandbabies. We adopt."
Frank drops his fork. Linda clutches her pearls.
Jake Miller
💭(to himself - this is it. The meltdown. Phase 2 begins.)
The Spiral
Linda Miller
Takes a deep breath. "oh."
Linda Miller
"Dima, do you still fix the wifi for free?"
Linda Miller
"And you helped Frank build the deck?"
Frank Miller
Looks at Jake, then Dima, then nods once. "He's a good kid. Works hard. Doesn't drink my beer without asking. I approve."
Linda Miller
"We were worried that you'd marry someone who doesn't like football. Dima knows the Eagles roster. You're perfect for eachother. We just want you happy!"
Dmitri Volkov
Whispers to Jake "Bro your plan is broken"
Jake Miller
whispers back to Dmitri "I KNOW"
There was no going back. Linda posted on her social media within 20 minutes
Linda Miller
[the text Linda posted 📲] "So proud of my son Jake and his fiancé Dima! Love is Love! 💍🏳️🌈 #MillerVolkov"
Aunt Carol
[comments] FINALLY!
Uncle Rick
[comments] Can we still do the gun range bachelor party
Jake tried to come clean.
Jake Miller
"Mom it was a prank!"
Linda Miller
"Honey , if it was a prank, why did Dima's mom already call me and start discussing dowry? She wants 12 goats."
[Note- the dowry part was obviously a joke, Nobody is actually giving or taking dowry , Dima's mom was just joking]
Dima's mom, Svetlana HAD called. Because Dima told her "Jake proposed" to get her to stop asking when he's getting married.
Svetlana Volkov
Shows up 3 days later with a suitcase , 2 jars of pickles and wedding aesthetic boards "Jake , my dear , you make a good husband, You eat. You are skinny."
Mia found out because Dima's sister tagged her in Linda's social media post with "omg congrats to my future brother-in-law??"
Mia called jake screaming in English and Russian. Then she showed up at the Miller house with her own plan: to ruin everything.
The Wedding
Mia Petrov bursts into the Miller House
Meera Petrov
"This is ridiculous, Jake loves me! Not this fridge with legs!"
Dmitri Volkov
"I am not fridge! I am emotional support himbo! I know his coffee order! Oat milk, 2 pumps vanilla! "
Meera Petrov
"I know his trauma , he still watches movies when he is sad!"
Frank Miller
(stands) "Enough."
Frank Miller
"Jake , Are you happy with Dima?"
Jake Miller
(looks at Dima)
Dmitri Volkov
(looks terrified but sincere)
Dmitri Volkov
(quiet) "Jake...I don't want to marry you unless you want to. But I'd try, for you, and the lasagna. Mostly you"
Jake Miller
...Yeah, I do.
Meera Petrov
(throws a napkin then immediately hugs Jake)
Meera Petrov
"You absolute idiot I'm dating your cousin Tyler now. He's nice and he actually texts back."
The day of the wedding, during the vows - a disaster
Dmitri Volkov
"I promise to never eat the last slice of pizza without asking. And to always let you win at Mario Kart... sometimes"
Jake Miller
"I promise to stop making 4D chess plans and let you pick the dog's name"
The dog was named 'Airfryer'
After the vows, conversing
Linda Miller
"I always knew my son would marry someone who could fix the WiFi!"
Svetlana Volkov
"In Russia We say: good husband is one who eats, Jake eats good! "
Uncle Rick
"Can we still do the gun range bachelor party? Asking for me."
The cake was 3 tiers. Dima tried to do a romantic cake feed. Missed Jake's mouth entirely and got frosting in Jake's eye. Jake screamed. Photo is now their Christmas card
The millers and the Volkov open a joint group chat
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