Hi my name is Fumi and I’m 16.

I need to write this because I’m tired. I can’t say these things to anyone or else they might be thinking that I’m sick so I choose this...to express myself.

its been three years since this shit started idk to call this. some say it’s depression, some says anxiety whatever it is.....it is horrible I don’t feel anything......nothing.......I’m numb and somewhat cold.

I come from a quiet a good family my parents got so many expectations from me. And I have been trying my best to reach there expectations and be a good daughter,a good sister, a good student,friend but it seems way to far for me to reach. I just kept on having this overwhelming feeling that one day everything will fall apart and everyone will be gone from by my side.

And this year is possible the worst of all so many things happened my father got a serious disease our savings and everything was gone for his medical treatment but he didn’t make it.I saw my mother begging for help from our relatives but none of them did anything . I know that they were somewhat felt happy by seeing us like this. But you know what the saddest part is for me that I couldn’t do anything but see everything falling apart I felt so useless I fucking hated myself for being like this being unable to do anything.

I can’t do anything I’m not good in studies, i am so less confident that I get anxiety attacks whenever I try to speak, I am talentedless nether smart.

Maybe this is the reason why everyone seems to have this weird look on their face when they see me.

I know I’m not good enough I’m a loser. Ik why I get bullied and why I get compared with my sister or anyone else who is better then me,I get it.

but that one line that still hurts me 'you don’t deserve to live trash'. It broke my heart

Am I that bad,?do I really don’t deserve it live,? What should I do? Should I die? What will happen if I’m gone, what will be there reaction sad or happy........or........nothing because I don’t exist for them? Will my mother cry maybe she will idk maybe.

all these thoughts are bubbling inside me like anything I feel like I’m gonna burst out. But thankfully I don’t let it show on my face, because even if I call for help they would probably think I’m seeking attention. At this moment my head hurts soo BAD that I started to feel numb. I can’t think properly I cried so much that the tears are dried up and all I can hear is my heartbeat going slow and the last breath that I give out.

I’m scared I’m lonely....all I wanted to have a peaceful life.....I wanted to live for myself even if the whole world abandons me. But maybe it’s not possible now. Maybe in my next life......maybe

I was a burden

I was never meant to born

sorry mom and dad,sorry for failing you.

Hi it’s me again...... it’s been a couple of weeks I’m doing good..........pretty good. I have been going out, focusing on my hobbies, keeping a healthy diet. I have been trying my best to do everything that can make me feel better.

Okay let’s just be real. I’m not okay I’m just pretending because when they ask you to express your real feelings that doesn’t means your actually feelings but the feelings that they want and expect you to have. Yes I have been hanging out with my friends but have you ever been into a crowded room but still feel lonely like you don’t exist there Yeah, trust me that feeling is the worst. Yes I have been keeping a healthy diet but what is the use of eating when you trough up in the very next moment when your head goes soo hazy and you feel like you’re never going to walk out of that bathroom ever again. Yes I’m being drawing but do you know when people judge that piece of paper so badly that it feels like they are killing you with their words.

One day I gathered up all my courage and decided went to talk to my mother about what is happening to me. And trust me by this day I still regret my decision. Because after everything that I explained.......she replied 'Your dad will be so disappointed in the way you are turning out'.................I kept staring at her........shocked and speechless I can never get those words out of my head.......even. I kept telling myself 'how pathetic you are','what were you expecting when you clearly knew that no matter what say or how much you explain they will never understand' That day i almost wanted to kill my self but I was too sacred for that.

I can take this shit anymore. I feel so heavy right now that it’s not just some tears but a tsunami of emotions that I’m holding on to. I’m not thinking that I am the only person got real problems or like it somewhat makes me special. I know everyone got shits in their life and it’s not easy to handle but they are and those problems are making them stronger and stronger every day But I guess I’m too weak to face my problems. Face all the judgement, criticism, those strange looks, each remark every thing I’m too scared to face it.

It’s like a darkness which is swallowing me each day. I have already stopped worrying about myself because I know that I end up being that one weird *** kid how is always ignored and pushed to the side.

It’s finally new year a whole year has ended, I see everyone happy, enjoying,cherishing each and every moment they spend with their loved ones. I see people changing with time but what about me why am I still the same or should I say I’m becoming worse with every passing year.

I feel like slowly and slowly I’m disappearing from this world, my existence is coming to an end.

Maybe I was never meant to be born ...............

Hi it’s me again after so many years.

You guys might have thought that I was dead or somewhat killed myself, haha no I didn’t

Finally 18, senior high school......funny how my family will attend my graduation and not my funeral lol....

This year something terrible happened guess what I started liking someone. Trust me meeting that guy was probably the best thing happened to me for a very long time. He gave me hope, gave me a reason to go on, made me feel things.

He became a true friend a person whom I can relay on he gave me warmth. I didn’t needed a sip of liquor just to open up I just autocorrect feel so comfortable around him that I would talk and talk until my throat starts getting dry.

IS IT HOW LOVE FEELS LIKE??

But he decided to share his secrets with me.

I decided to share my life with him…..

He was in friendship,while I was I’m love.

pathetic......

Gradually I got to know he loves someone else.

You guys might think that oh! then you might’ve got jealous right?. Yeah maybe..... there were days when I wished him to look at me the way he looks at her but it’s just too much to ask.

Slowly my fucked up mind starting overthinking ‘’stop you are just bothering him, let him live his life”, “your just being annoying” , “shut up nobody cares” “shut it”

Okay........

Maybe for the first time my mind was right

why am I bothering him with my crap, I have never been a good friend all I did is to use him for my own mental stability. **** you’re so selfish.....

Soon after that our friendship can to an end I stopped opening up to him, at first he got concerned and asked me why don’t I speak that much there day I just said that everything was going good and that I have nothing to talk about. After that slowly we stop hanging out and gradually being strangers.

I didn’t fall in love with him because I was lonely or lost.I fell in love because when I bonded with him for the first time, it was the only time I have ever wanted to make someone a permanent part of my world.

Trust me this one side and unrequited love is terrible, it kills you like anything. Furst it will give you a will it live and be actually happy and then it will grab you neck and drag you into your own dark grave.

Why just why im only 18 why do I have to go through all this shits? It’s killing me, every night when it gets worse I pray to god please take me because I’m ready, if you won’t please at least give me a reason to exist.

Why me?Just why me....? I couldn’t even got to actually live my youth freely. I don’t think my mental health won’t be able to handle another year......

The world around me is shattered long ago now it’s just me who needs to disappear.