I remember the last day I saw him before leaving the country to make my dreams a reality, we spent the day in the amusement park, not because either of us liked it but because it would be fun to spend it with a friend who I wont be able to see for years,

When i reached to the dorms I thought he would call me, instead he would send me letters with a note at every end, everytime I tried calling him on the phone he wouldn't pick up, "the number you have dialed is not in service anymore" that's what I would get in return

After 4 years when I returned back to my home town. My life which I thought was getting better just shattered like glass. No... it shattered right above me with all the peices piercing right inside my flesh sucking out my blood.

Exactly what happened that last day?

...----------------...

...four years ago...

...----------------...

"Hey you better be on time in the amusement park! you know I'm leaving dude! One day I ask for one day be on time!"

"Oh my god! When have I ever been late! Shut up! stop Shouting I'll be there!"

"Promise?!" Amber asked Nathan

"Yeah promise!" He clicked his tounge as he hung up on her. It was her last day in her hometown, she always wanted to be an artist so she tried hard to get into an art university and finally she got accepted.

She had to leave the country for that. And that meant leaving her only friend Nathan, Amber didn't really talk much to people since her 7th grade, when she lost intrest in almost everything, she was usually lonely until Nathan transferred to her school.

It was 4:30 and Amber waited for Nathan patiently for him to arrive, she was fifteen minutes early and just as he promised he came surprisingly 5 mins earlier.

"You're early today?" She looked at him and smiled

"I mean your ONLY friend has to be with you on the day you leave the country now doesn't he?"

He shrugged his shoulder and then pulled out his tounge to tease her saying that she didnt have friends, as soon as she heard him she gave him a hard blow on his waist and pinched it when he started apologizing to her.

what she didnt know is he meant somthing else when he said that.

Friends or the F word word to them, it was like something important yet meaningless, for Amber, Nathan and their friendship meant the whole world to her, as for anyone else? she couldn't care less, it wasn't because she was rude or mean. it was simply because to Amber friends were Evil bitches who just got closer to leave you one day hanging of a cliff waiting for you to die, where u don't really have the strength or courage to call out for help until someone approaches you.

That day there was a booth in the amusement park, the booth of fortune,

Since Amber was leaving and her future was something she feared the most she insisted that they go for a reading about her.

So Nathan agreed, he did not belive in fate or foretelling someone's future but for a friend why not? He thought.

inside the booth a fortune teller sat in front of her crystal ball with purple, red and blue fairy lights hanging

It looked pretty yet solace the inside was dark and had about just enough lighting to see everything clearly.

Two cushions were kept in front of her crystal ball for them to sit,

Amber sat first as soon as she saw her seat and the lady who looked almost like a gypsy because of her clothes, smiled at her.

Nathan looked around and sat next to Amber. Suddenly the lady behind the crystal ball was shocked as if she was taken back by a wave she stared at Nathan immediately with wide eyes. And not long after examined him and she asked

"What's your name? Handsome young man?"

He looked at the lady's eyes and said "Nathan"

"Just Nathan?" She asked waiting for his surname

"Just Nathan" he said without showing the slightest bit of emotion towards the lady.  suddenly Amber recalled the memories and felt gloomy.

Nathan looked at her and said "what? don't want to know about- your future?" He kept poking her back and teased her...

"Yeah maybe not?" She said

"Come on this lady won't predict the future she will only tell you a peice of your future, what will happen in brief?"

looking that her mood was almost down because she remembered his family he felt that maybe for once he would be okay with someone telling him about his future, because just a moment ago she was jumping to know what her future would bring her, it was only because she was happy even though she was leaving was what amused him.

"I want my future to be read" he said to the lady and Amber looked at him almost surprised, she knew he din believe in any of these stuff, as far as he would go she doubted he even believed in god.

The lady looked as surprised as Amber was herself

"How can I make a reading without your family name young man?"

"Family name? I thought yall had some cards or like held the persons hand and chanted something then looked at the crystal ball and out of nowhere you see something in the ball what others can't see" Nathan was obviously being sarcastic thought Amber

Surprisingly again the lady accepted what he said as if it was a request.

She held his hand with a cloth and then concentrated and soon opened her eyes.

"Your future is bright just as I predicted even before holding your hands your presence just makes it clear"

"Bright? Are you sure you didn't mess up?" Nathan laughed,

he felt that the fortune tellers prediction about him made it more clear that this world was fake, that there were no people who were honest, his only Comfort zone was Amber, but she will be leaving soon should he have gone with her would she mind? But what would he say why he is going with her? Leaving this town and his so called friends, compared to Amber Nathan was always surrounded with people which he felt suffocating but he had to just so Amber would have made some friends, which was almost impossible.

Nathan came to this city when he was 14 that's when he met Amber, at first glance he knew she was almost going through depression, upon inquiring he came to know that her father was put to jail for murdering his only wife, he came to know that her father had serious anger issues, now that was not something new to him he thought.

who would want to spent Time with a murderers daughter? Whose parents would allow that?

Fortunately could you have said, Nathan had no parents, so no one restricted him from talking to her, no family judged him for approaching her, he was put in a foster home but what that family did to him when he was just seven was enough for a kid to never dream about a family ever again, he doesn't know his birth parents and he never will want to know who they were or why he was left.

When Nathan's reading was done the lady read Amber's, "I see seemingly happy stuff, but beware for a vicious hole, you will have a big hole in your life it will be tough for you to mend it"

For Amber it meant that her life would have a serious loss with career, and she panicked

"Are you seriously just gonna believe that? Won't you do somthing to change it?" He said smiling

When Amber saw his face she felt as though he could read her like an open book,

"No I will change it" then not long after clearing everything out did they leave the booth and spent the whole evening eating food, snacks and going on rides, when it was eight Nathan reached her to the airport and waited with her for the flight

"And what time is your flight?" He asked

"Now soon, they will announce I guess?"

"Hmmm" he started at her continuously. Amber was aware of it but kept quiet. Then the flight was announced she hugged him almost in tears for leaving her only friend, when she let go of him and Nathan saw her...something triggered in him what was he evening thinking that she didn't care for him and she was happy that she was leaving him? when this dumbass crys at almost everything? he thought.

Nathan pulled her hands down and kissed her forehead, she felt jitters all over her body it was a sensation she never felt before.

"what was that for??"

"Just cause?" He said winking

"Ohh admit, it that you LOVE me! Everyone says that and I know it too!" she was just joking around with the rumors about Nathan and her, but she did Love him.

"Did I say that I didn't love you? Ofcourse I love you" That took her by surprise she suddenly realized that there are different variations of love the sibling relationship, a romantic relationship, the family relationship and then finally the friendship relationship, she was confused which love he meant.

"Mhhhhh I love you too" she said with a bright face

"Last hug?" He said again

"Hmm since its my last day! but you know my hugs are precious though don't you!"

"Trust me I know that very well!" He smiled and squeezed her in his arms, he dug his head in her shoulder, and felt that this will be the last time he will get her ever so close to him, he took in every bit of scent he could get from her ever bit of comfort, more he just wanted some more time with her. But he had to let go.

After that she waved at him and left for the flight

Just as confused as Amber was Nathan was cursing himself for kissing her on the forehead, he muttered to himslef when she waved at him

"I'm sorry what you will have to go through but I don't think I will be able to survive"

...****************...

...flashback end...

...****************...

When I returned back I wanted to give Nathan a surprise.

my.... had I known I would get a major bomb explode on me I would have waited back in my college satisfied with the letters I was receiving.

I could hear everyone whisper when I entered my block.

"she is back, does she not know? After so many years? Did she come to visit?"

They whispered behind my back, I hated that the most those people with thier vile mouth... no one helped me when I was an orphan these same people who had wished me when I left the city were the ones who spoke behind my back before and yet now it's the same cycle but what are the whispers about?...I just wanted to go and give Nathan a big hug, but I never got to do it,

As soon as I reached I knocked at the door, none answered I knocked on again.... the windows were open so I hoped that he would open the door,  since no one answered I had to go to the monastery to meet the father who had taken care of me and even Nathan at one point...

When I saw father Xavier I was almost in tear he was in his late fifties but he did not even seem to age a bit...his eyes were a little tired but he always looked like that with his brownish-black cassock, he walked towards me he did not seem very happy when he saw me though,

"father aren't you pleased to see me?" I asked

"Am I not? How can I not be" he said patting my back

"Am I seeing a successful individual thriving her dreams right before me?" He questioned me in a musical tune

"Thriving? I'm not so sure father but has got A job? yes I've got that" I said and laughed.

After that We met everyone and had lunch yeah some special treatment isn't that allowed I don't really know....but only for the fact that I grew up there.

then we went out for a walk in the garden it was close to the lake so when we were walking down the path I asked

"How has Nathan been?" He paused as he was walking

I turned back, and then said "are you listening to me father? How has Nathan been?"

He looked at me and said "could you wait here for a bit?" He did not answer me,

'Ahh father doesn't seem to be in a good mood did Nathan say something?' Is what Amber wondered.

I nodded my head and waited leaning on the fence and staring at the lake

When father came back he handed me a package...and keys

"What's this father??"

"Open this when u get home, those are the keys.to the house Nathan gave them to me, I don't think I'll be able to say it"

"What about Nathan? Do you know where he is?"

"....."

"Fa.." I was interrupted when a young brother stepped out and called out to the father and called him back

"I have to go now Amber take care and come to me as soon as you understand the situation"

The situation?? I wonder what.

When I went home It was as usual, I was so happy to be back the house was the same!

Nothing had changed not even my room but besides for the fact that it didn't have the same warm feeling, it was a bit cold, I went and sat on my bed which was clean, nothing was moved not even my books I made the heating on, I threw the suitcases and leaned back and slept on the bed, I opened the small pakage when I saw that there were 3 letters.

As I said,  He would send me letters, I wanted to ask him why letters and not texts, I had so many questions for him, so much to tell him!

but when I read the first letter everything fell apart everything! my hands trembled, it was all a joke wasn't it?? like he always does?! this has to be one! a big FAT Lie!

but my mind could not help but overthink all the possibilities and that if it was true! then all the "WHAT IF'S" started running wild in my head.

If at that time if I knew why he laughed, why he kissed me, what he had muttered to himself then I wouldn't have to go through what I am going through right now, I wouldn't have felt the regret I'm feeling, I would have my only friend right next to me, he would've been here with me,

I know you said that it's not my fault, but that guilt, all those burdens I gave you!

weren't they supposed to be mine? And yet you held them for me, and never spoke about yours! It would have been better If god would had...!'

God... is he even there? Do u really even exist? Isn't it your job to help us? Then where do you go when we have no will, where do you go when we need you the most? When I need you the most! My whole life I believed in you! Even when I was orphaned, even when I struggled financially, the one thing in my whole universe the one thing I ever depended on you took him away! Why do you all do this to me! What have I ever done! Do I not deserve this life?!  Do I not belong here?!

...****************...

What was written in those letters as to make Amber believe that Nathan killed himself?

She thought she knew everything about him, yet when she read the contents of the letters she broke down In cold tears her hands tremble and her heart ached, "will" he said what about her "will" she thought.

...----------------...

......................

Amber sat on the bed and ripped open the brown envelope, three more packets fell out, each had a number written on it and each had a different pastel coloured shade of green pink and blue, the green one was labelled :1:

...----------------...

...Dumbass!!! it's me, I see... so you are back! took you looong enough, You liar u said you'd be back in a year ir two anyway....

...Anyway you won't find me here anymore, I won't be staying in the house either, hah ^^...

...don't get scared If you hear noises at night, cause I promise it's not a ghost, and even if there is one I'll protect you TwT...

...where am I then? well now that's a good question haha, as I said I'll protect you from the ghosts form the Attic at night right? well, who would've thought it would be so fucking hard to write a death note to a loved one?...

...----------------...

Amber's heart beat droped, the **** was Nathan saying, a death note? her heart sank and she got chills, cold sweat left her body she quickly continued reading.

...----------------...

...yea...this is a death note,...

...I'm sorry, I had a lot to tell you actually, so I'll be making three letters, the next two are long, don't be sad Amb, I was the one who was weak, you were always perfect, flawless the thing was that I was filled with flaws, so I lost the will to live as soon as you left....

...I'm not blaming this on you, **** NO*!...

...hurting you would be like hurting myself, that day I thought to myself that, if I had asked you to wait would you have waited for me and not left the city? ...

...There are many IF's but I have no time fo reflect on my past deeds anymore. ...

... ****it's just that when you left I tried! I tried moving on and making life better, I even got a job, I tried getting myife back on track but****... ****I just COULDN'T anymore****. ...

...*I*f you dare blame this on yourself I swear to the gods of wherever I am!...

- Nathan :)

...----------------...

That's how the letter ended, her hands were shivering, this whole thing just felt off, "Nathan..." she called out, tears forming in her eyes.

"You're just joking aren't you? Nathan!" she called out louder

"Nathan, are you here, are you hiding somewhere? this is not funny anymore, I just returned."

*Thudd! ! !

There was a sound in the attic, she always hated the attic, since they moved in to this apartment, she felt a presence of someone in there, but whenever she used to send Nathan on top, he would say that 'it was completely empty and no one was in there.'

She had no guts to go on top, but she had to check on top... it wasn't that late so there was plenty of light coming in the house, she pulled down the ladder as she took a step on top, her heart beat grew faster

Tap*

She set foot on top, surprisingly the attic was... clean.

whoever took care of the house does a good job in and out,

bang**

Something behind her fell, she was hesitating whether to turn her head behind or not, but her curiosity was overwhelming so she turned, an old lamp was on the floor, It was in the box, she approached it and picked it off the ground keeping it where it originally might've been, this was the first time she came on top, ever. The place was cleaner and brighter than she had expected there was no foul smell, besides a stinging smell that she couldn't quite point out to.

"Nathan ... "

As she was turning around her eyes suddenly spotted a bright red glow of light from behind the boxes, she was taken aback by the anonymous faint red light, it seemed as though it blinked... so she let her guard up, she stared at it continuously, it started back at her. she stayed halted in her position, as it approached her she realised it was a rat, a white rat to be precise.

"a white rat huh, were you always the unknown ghost that Nathan..."

As she came back to reality, her eyes started getting wet as tears formed in her eyes... she went near the attic window where the light was getting scattered as she was still uncomfortable, and not feeling safe in the attic.

"Nathan." she whispered and finally warm tear drops fell from her eyes, she was so confused she did not understand why? how? and for what reason he died, she doesn't even know how he died, or if the letter carry any truth.

"If this is a game, please stop it, how can you be so selfish..." she murmured to herself.

She felt a presence again in the attic it was faint, so she knew it was just her hallucination. she plopped on the ground and sobbed softly,

why she accepted that Nathan died?

It was because, she knew that he had gone through a lot, she knew many people were after, but she was surprised that he was actually no more, it was so unrealistic, it was so painful, the thought of him never being there by her side, it was scary. She never thought he would ever leave her.

If I stayed would you still be alive, if I had stayed would you have not killed yourself? was it suicide? it wasn't mentioned on the note, she had to read the next two letters to get and understand the situation at hand. She wanted to get up and go back down to her room, but all her energy was drained she was thinking about the past, the happy memories came by her in a flash, all the times Nathan made her smile, the times he comforted her and the last ever memory together near the airport.

'I felt your anxiety Nath I knew it sob*

I just didn't know how to deal with that, and you understood me so you never said anything about it.

If I knew you were suicidal...

Sobs* if only I knew that...

Amber thought to herself... holding herself accountable when though she did not completely understand the situation...

Her sobs were faint but painful as her throat hurt with every cry. She wanted to scream, at last she thought

She was actually lonely, no one else by her side. Just her thoughts and herself, maybe this is how a person would slowly go crazy, her thoughts were going off to disturbing places and her brain was getting heavy, eventually she gets tired and worn out, falling asleep on the cold attic floor.