WARNING THE ENTIRE BOOK IS FOR MATURE AUDIENCES ONLY. IF YOU ARE A 9-YEAR-OLD OR SOMETHING, I honestly have no clue what age group gets this app, but, DO NOT READ. THIS ALSO MAYBE A TRIGGER FOR SOME.

The icy blade hovered over my shoulder, looking at me as if disapproving of my actions. Focused on the metal beauty, I pressed the edge onto my arm, closing my eyes in pleasure as the garnet liquid seeped through the crack. It's done I thought to myself. Getting up, I hid away the razor in its rightful place inside the bathroom, Turning to the mirror, I noticed my body. What was once a beautiful body with pearly, white skin is now covered with rashes and cuts I made myself. No one notices. No one notices my fake smiles. No one notices my sleeves getting longer. No one notices how during athletics, I wear sweatpants instead of shorts and hoodies instead of the shirt. No one notices the misery. No one notices my pain. No one notices me. Forgotten in the midst of others. Brought down from the top of the high school food chain to the bottom. Brought down by the work. Brought down by the pressure. Brought down by bitchy attitudes. Brought down by the overbearing parents who expect perfection and nothing less of it. Sighing, I turn off the light and nuzzle into my comforter as the cold room gets enveloped in darkness.

I awoke with a start and sweat dripping off my forehead. Nightmares are getting increasingly common. Turning on my phone, I realize it's only 4 AM. That means I've only slept for 2 hours. I didn't even reach n3 sleep, so I haven't recovered or restored myself fully. But, I can't go back to sleep either because I have to leave for volleyball practice at 6:30. So if I do manage to fall asleep, I'll be late. One of the disadvantages of PTSD is the hyperarousal that causes insomnia. Realizing this as a helpless cause, I get coffee, so at least my adenosine receptors will be blocked for the time being. I wonder if there's something that can bond to adenosine so the levels go down. Maybe neurologists have researched that and it came up as harmful. Noting to research that later, I decided to take a hot shower and plan my day from there.

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AFTER SCHOOL:

Saying bye to my friends, I spot the motorcycle. In a mood to drive today, I decided to let my body choose for me where it wants to go. Swerving through traffic and lights, I take multiple turns until I find myself utterly isolated with a familiar sight ahead of me. Two years ago, in 9th grade, my boyfriend, well ex-boyfriend now, and I found a picturesque cliff. On top of a mountain, forests of trees surround the place, and there's a large drop where we used to dangle our feet from and talk for hours over nothing and everything. Looking farther out, there's the Colorado River which lazily meanders through the many valleys and hills. The view is beautiful and the weather today is just right from the temperature to the wind.

Enjoying the view, my brain wanders off to a dark and dangerous place. My place of doubt. The part that wonders if I'm good enough. The part that wonders why I exist. Currently, I found it thinking, Is the world better off without me? Does anyone really love me, truly, for who I am? My ex, the one person who cared, the one person who knew my true colors, my insecurities, left me and decided I'm not good enough. If even he doesn't love me will anyone ever? I'm just a spoiled princess after all as everyone gossips. My feet dangle down further of their own accord and I wonder if it will be better if I die. Closing my eyes, tears drip out as I lower myself and let go of the ledge that was holding me.

But I don't fall.

"And I know we weren't perfect but I've never felt this way for no one

And I just can't imagine how you could be so okay now that I'm gone

Guess you didn't mean what you wrote in that song about me

'Cause you said forever, now I drive alone past your street"

- driver's license Olivia Rodrigo

But I didn't fall

My heart was still thumping, loud and alive. My brain was on overdrive, reprimanding me on what I was about to do. My legs were still dangling from the cliff swinging back and forth like a pendulum on a grandfather clock. My breath was erratic like I'd just run a marathon. Overall, I was a mess. A confused mess. Suddenly I felt a yank on my arm, reminding me someone had just caught me. Another yank, and suddenly my body went limp and everything went dark.

I awoke to someone crying. Sobbing uncontrollably. I felt the wetness seeping through my shirt as I groaned and stretched. Making sure I didn't disturb any of my sore bones, I slowly sat up, taking in my surroundings. In front of me were endless skies which looked like they were dipped in the sun then exposed to the ***** night sky. The calming soothing site making me take in deep breathes as I remember the many times I've gone into a meditative state during a sunset. Sunsets were always my favorite time of day. The endless beauty never failing to strike me speechless. Now was no different till I was brought back by a sob.

"Don't you.. Don't ever do that again please" a husky broken voice pleaded from my right.

Slowly and carefully I turned to the familiar deep voice which plagues my many nightmares and intrudes on my doubts. Low and behold the one and only ex. The one person who knew me inside and out. The one person who knew how I really felt. The one person I would give the world to if he asked for it. At least in the past. Because although he's one of this, he's also one of the many who have left me. Left me to fend on my own. Left me to find my own food, navigate the surroundings, and accustom myself with the pressure. For this, his departure hurt the most out of all of them. Suddenly pulled out of my reflective state, I remember who is sitting in front of me.

"YOU.. What are you doing here you ***? You shit you total waste of space. You idiot. Promise breaker. You... I can't even.. Why"

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Yes I've finally continued. I was in a writing mood today and decided to update this story because I love it so much. Like I wrote out the plot line and everything I just never got around to updating. I'll try to update regularly from now on. Try being a key word. I wish this was more like Wattpad© lmao cuz I'd be able to write less and update more often. I'm the type of person who'll have the creative spree for one or two paragraphs then stop. But that's okay. I'll try and write more. Or I'll just spam like this. Anyways ILY comment like and subscribe please. Let me know how I can do better.

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