Of all times I loved someone or pretended to love someone did I ever love myself???

do all my loved ones realise my love towards them ???

why??when??where??how??

now I should try to answer these one by one

I am Soham Kumar a average boy born in the midst of the lanes of a small and clumsy town and I was always ambitious.

To my friends I was a joke and the same time a joker. At least I could make them laugh. I don't have a series of friends but quite a no of them. I was not handsome to begin with so no girlfriends. My study life was also tiresome. In my class there were 40 students and I was someone between 20 to 30 ranked.

Not that good in sports but I like to play chess and cricket and volleyball. yes I was ambitious and adventurous but at the same time shy and introvert. my introverted brought many problems like communication and fear. I could never approach teachers for my doubts and could never talked to a girl straight face . my school was co education so had to cope with girls but was always trolled for my shyness and introversive actions.

my parents were loving and caring.

But when I was 16 my parents got divorced so I thought "did they ever loved each other".

or

all the lovey dubey moments I saw between was was just a pretense I never understood.

I never tried and I never had a chance to.....,

Now the biggest decision time taking came and the question was too hard for me

"whom will you live with???"

a question even person of heighten IQs cannot decide."

I thought hard and hard but was beaten .

The question was not about living but about my future and future of the situation.

choosing one means defying the other. but I loved them both .

I thought to discuss with friends but was frightened of their pitiful eyes .

Then I wondered which of them I can trust and open my heart but was disappointed and dumbfound to found no one literally no one I can fully trust. But why?? are there are no close friends of mine ?? absolutely there are but then why?? I was not confident enough . I was terrified my heart was heavy but there there was nowhere and no one there to lighten it up.

why was I not confident ?? Did all the friends I made were fake or it was just my gruesome imagination .

I cursed myself for being loser all my life . what was I doing all this time in my life ???

should I just keep it to myself and decide the result myself ?? or should I just quit???

unpreachable ideas are arriving in my mind just now?? what should I do now ??

That time gave me a time to think and realise the progress of world around me and where I was standing there.

I wanted to be true to myself .

and then I talked to myself and confronted my originality.....