HISTORION

LIEUTENANT IOTA

GREAT AND MIGHTY THINK-TANK

SERGEANT OoP

APPRENTICE NOODLE

CAPTAIN OMEGA

[scene:-1]

HISTORIAN: : Good afternoon. Welcome to our Museum of Ancient

History, and to my department - curiosities of the good old, far-off twentieth century. The twentieth century was often called the Era of the Book. In those days, there were books about everything, from anteaters to Zulus. Books taught people how to, and when to, and where to, and why to. They illustrated. educated, punctuated, and even decorated. But thestrangest thing a book ever did was to save the Earth You haven't heard about the Martian invasion of 20402 Tsk tsk. What do they teach children nowadays? Well. you know, the Invasion never really happened, because a single book stopped it. What was the book, you ask A noble encyclopedia? A tome about rockets and missiles? A secret file from outer space? No. it was none of those. It was but here, let me turn on the historiscope and show you what happened many centuries ago, in 2040. (She turns on projector and points i left. Spotlight on Historian goes out and comes up douin left on Think Tank, who is seated on a raised box arms folded. He has a huge, egg shaped head, aid he wears a long robe decorated with stars and circles. Apprentice Noodle stands beside hun at elaborate switchboard. A sign on an easel reads:

MARS SPACE CONTROL

GREAT AND MIGHTY THINK-TANK, COMMANDER-IN-CHIEF

(Bow low before entering)

NOODLE : (bowing) O Great and Mighty Think Tank, most powerful and Intelligent creature in the whole universe, what are your orders?

THINK-TANK :(peevishly) You left out part of my salutation.Apprentice Noodle. Go over the whole thing again.

NOODLE : It shall be done, sir. (in a singsong) O Great and Mighty Think Tank, Ruler of Mars and her two moons, most powerful and intelligent creature in the whole universe - (out of breath) what-are-your-orders?

THINK-TANK :That's better, Noodle. I wish to be placed in communication with our manned space probe to that ridiculous little planet we are going to put under our generous rulership. What do they call it again?

NOODLE : Earth, your Intelligence.

THINK-TANK : Earth of course. You see how insignificant the place is? But first, something important. My mirror, I wish to consult my mirror.

NOODLE :It shall be done, sir. [he hands Think- Tank a mirror.]

THINK-TANK : Mirror, mirror. In my hand. Who is the most fantastically Intellectually gifted being in the Land?

MIRROR:(after a pause) You. sir.

THINK-TANK: [smacking mirror ] Quicker Answer quicker next time I hate a slow mirror. (He admires himself in the MIRROR). Ah there I am. Are we Martians not a handsome race? So much more attractive than those ugly Earthlings with their tiny heads. Noodle, your keep on exercising your mind, and someday you'll have a balloon brain just like mine.

NOODLE : Oh. I hope so, Mighty Think Tank. I hope so.

THINK-TANK : Now. contact the space probe. I want to invade that primitive ball of mud called Earth before lunch.

THINK-TANK: IT shall be done, sir. (He adjusts levers on suitchboarel Electronic buzzes and beeps are heard as the curtains open.)

The A few seconds later

PLACE : Mars Spice Control and the Centerville Public Library

AT RisE: Captain Omega stands at centre. opening and closing card catalogue draINS in a confised fashion. Lieutenant jota is up left, counting books in a booketse. Sergeant Oop is at right, opening and closing a book, turning it upside dolor shaktrag and then rifling the pages and shaking his head.

NOODLE:(adjusting kriobs) I have a close sighting of the space crew, sir.

(Think-Tank puts on a pair of enormous goggles and turns towards the stage to watch) They seem to have entered some sort of Earth structure.

THINK-TANK : Excellent. Make voice contact.

NOODLE :(speaking into a microphone) Mars Space Control calling the crew of Probe One. Mars Space Control calling the crew of Probe One. Come in. Captain Omega, and give us your location.

OMEGA : (speaking into a disk which is on a chain around her neck) Captain Omega to Mars Space Control Lieutenant lota. Sergeant Oop, and I have arrived on Earth without incident. We have taken shelter in this indicates room) - this square place. Have you any idea where we are, Lieutenant lota?

IOTA : I can't figure it out. Captain. (holding up a book) I've counted two thousand of these peculiar items. This place must be some sort of storage barn. What do you think, Sergeant Oop?

OOP:I haven't a clue. I've been to seven galaxies, but I've never seen anything like this. Maybe they're hats.

(He opens a book and puts it on his head.) Say, maybe

this is a haberdashery!

OMEGA : (bowing low) Perhaps the Great and Mighty Think Tank will give us the benefit of his thought on the matter.

THINK-TANK:Elementary, my dear Omega. Hold one of the items up so that 1 may view it closely. (Omega holds a book on the palm of her hand) Yes, yes. I understand now Since Earth creatures are always eating, the place In which you find yourselves is undoubtedly a crude refreshment stand.

OMEGA:(to lota and Oop) He says we're in a refreshment stand.

OOP :Well. the Earthlings certainly have a strange diet.

THINK-TANK :That item in your hand is called a sandwich.

OMEGA : nodding A sandwich.

IOTA : (nodding) A sandwich.

OOP: (taking book from his head) A sandwich?

THINK-TANK: Sandwiches are the main staple of Earth diet. Look at it closely.(Omega squints at book.) There are two slices of what is called bread, and between them is some sort of filling.

OMEGA : That is correct, sir.

THINK-TANK : To confirm my opinion, I order you to eat it.

OMEGA : (gulping) Eat it?

THINK-TANK: Do you doubt the Mighty Think Tank?

OMEGA:Oh, no no, But poor Lieutenant luta han not had her breakfast. Lieutenant iota. I order you that this this sandwich.

IOTA:(dubiously) Eat it? Oh. Captaln! It's a very great honour to be the first Martian to cat a saridwie. I'm sure but but how can I be so Polite and to eat before my Sergeant? handing Clop the book and saying brightly Sergeant Oop. I order you to eat the sandwich Immediately.

OOP:(making a face) Who. Lieutenant? Mein. Lieutenant?

IOTA and OMEGA: (saluting) For the glory of Mars, Oops!

OOP: Yes, of coursel (unhappily) Immediately (He opens his mouth wide. Omega and lota watch fum breathless He bites down on a corner of the look. and pantomimes chewing and suallouring, while making terrible face.)

OMEGA:Well. Oop?

IOTA : Well. Oop? (Oop coughs. Omega and Tota pound him on the back)

THINK-TANK: Was It not delicious, Sergeant Oop?

OOP:(SALUTING) That is correct, str It was not delicious. I don't know how the Earthlings can get those sandwiches down without water. They're dry as Martian dust.

NOODLE : Sir sir, Great and Mighty Think Tank. I beg your pardon. but an insignificant bit of data floated Into my mind about those sandwiches.

THINK-TANK: It can't be worth much, but go ahead. Give us your trifling bit of data.

NOODLE : Well, str. il have seen survivor films of those sandwiches. I noticed that the Earthlings did not eat them. They used them as some sort of communication device.

THINK-TANK: (Haughtily) Naturally. That was my next point. These are actually communication sandwiches. Think Tank is never wrong. Who is never wrong?

ALL:(saluting) Great and Mighty Think Tank is never wrong .

THINK-TANK:Therefore, I order you to listen to them.

OMEGA : Listen to them?

IOTA AND OOP : (to each other puzzled Listen to them?

THINK-TANK: Do you have marbles in your ears? I said, listen to them. (Martians bour very low.)

OMEGA :It shall be done, sir. (They each take two books from the case and hold them to their ears, listening intently. Do you hear anything?

IOTA : (whispering to omega )Do you hear anything?

OMEGA:( whispering back) Nothing. Do you hear anything. Oop?

OOP: (loudly) Not a thing! (Omega and lota jump in fright)

OMEGA AND IOTA: Sh-h-h! (They listen intently again.)

THINK-TANK : Well? Well? Report to me. What do you hear?

OMEGA: Nothing. sir. Perhaps we are not on the correct frequency.

IOTA : Nothing, sir. Perhaps the Earthlings have sharper ears than we do.

OOP :I don't hear a thing. Maybe these sandwiches don't make sounds.

THINK-TANK : What? Does somebody suggest the Mighty Think Tank has made a mistake?

OMEGA : Oh, no, sir: no sir. We'll keep listening.

NOODLE: Please excuse me, your Brilliance, but a cloudy piece of information is twirling around in my head.

THINK-TANK: Well, twirl it out. Noodle, and I will clarify it for you.

NOODLE : I seem to recall that the Earthlings did not listen to the sandwiches, they opened them and watched them.

THINK-TANK : Yes, that is quite correct, I will clarify that for you.Captain Omega. Those sandwiches are not for ear communication, they are for eve communication. Now. Captain Omega. take that large, colourful sandwich over there. It appears to be important. Tell me what you observe.

(Omega picks up a very large volume of Mother Goose, holding it so that the audience can see the title. Iota looks over her left shoulder, and Oop peers over her right shoulder.)

OMEGA: It appears to contain pictures of Earthlings.

IOTA:There seems to be some sort of code.

THINK-TANK:(sharply interested) Code? I told you this was Important. Describe the code.

OOP:It's little lines and squiggles and dots- thousands of them alongside the pictures.

THINK-TANK: Perhaps the Earthlings are not as primitive as we have thought. We must break the code.

NOODLE: Forgive me, your Cleverness, but did not the chemical department give our space people vitamins to increase their intelligence?