Dear diary,

something weird happening to me lately.

I was totally normal when I got into the college, the usual sweat pants and untidy hair.

All of a sudden I started to hate being sweaty, wanted my hair pitch perfect, wanted to dress up every day as if it was my last chance.

and that's just the beginning........

Everything about me started bothering me slowly; those extra 5kg , those double chin.

My favorite color was supposed to be red but right now everything around me is pink and I don't feel bad about it.

Last week aunt rose told me that I lost some weight ( little did she knew it was due to exam stress and I would pick it back within days).

Things went upside down when she told me my beauty bone is visible a bit; Now I need to check my collar bone every now and then as if my clavicle is going to degenerate.

That was just an excuse.

I felt a strong urge to peek into mirror every 30 minutes, just to find fault in my appearance.... dark circles, pimples, blackheads, whiteheads, facial hairs....... slowly everything started to be part of my daily checklist and I ended up watching skincare videos.

I just wonder when did my interest shift from cartoons and superhero movies to beauty journal and videos.

I remember watching doremon and wanting to have a cat robot when I was a kid and now I just wonder why their dresses are same in all episodes................. I just don't want to ruin my favourite cartoons by my distorted thoughts.

last Sunday one of distant our relative paid us a visit, everything went smooth until she started talking to my younger sister thinking that she was the older one , this was not the very first time someone mistook my younger sister as the older one, back then I was silly about it and inturn made fun of her for looking older than her actual age . But now this started making me little uncomfortable and I don't know why I feel so creepy when someone mentions my younger sister as the older one.

Do I look immature or is it because she is a bit taller than me? Or may be because she is into more girly stuff than me?

But that doesn't change the fact that I am 3 years older than her.

I often find myself drooling over fancy jwels, window shopping at random websites, binch watching beauty videos, talking about beauty trends , even about dramas and stuff and the worst part...............comparing myself with others specially those pitch perfect models and photoshopped images and feeling insecure about my own appearance.

Even small compliments makes me blush and I am strangely conscious abut my appearance in public...... the list goes on.

Is this how everyone grows up?

insecure.

Doing super weird stuff and still feel normal about it??

I guess puberty finally hit me............ a disastrous hit............ late of course.

Dear diary,

It was totally a boaring and depressing day. surprisingly I had nothing to do today ( since I had off from my collage; I took off from my homely duties as well.............. simple:-) ) .

Everything went well until I started checking out whatsApp status, Instagram Stories......... all of a sudden people around me seems to enjoy every bit off their life, some busy traveling and other meeting their old besties, trying out different food, attending family gatherings, doing influencer stuffs...... and me rolling on the bed , staring at phone since morning and now I feel bad about wasting time.

it could have been a productive day.......

I feel like doing nothing and I am guilty about it.

am I jealous???

probably yes.

I hate Nia because she is the topper of our class....... I just realised, I don't hate her but I am just jealous of how she scores by paying little attention to studies and on other hand I am treating my textbooks as my boyfriend and still manage to get pass marks.

I can't ignore the fact that slow learners like me have their whole time revolving around assignments, exams, practicals and vivas and at the end othe the day you find the people enjoying their day and partying whole night are the same one who come out with better scores, it just hurts............. I totally have the right to be jealous.

specially under an education system where your exam scores decides your everything......... even your passions too.

I wish I had an invisible privilege too.

speaking of which everyone around me has an invisible privilege.

aksh (my younger sister) : doesn't give a shit about what other says and does........ that might be the secret of her savage confidence. If I could, I would have borrowed her rookie attitude.Do whatever you want......... no consideration for others judgements.

Jippu ( my bestie one among the foursome) : passionate listener........ no matter what your problem is best person one could reach out would be her. You start complaining about your problems and even find solution by yourself, she is just calm and happy to listen whatever you say.

kripa ( my bestie- other among foursome) : she has an inborn ability to make people around her cheerful. no mood swings accepted.

Geethi (my bestie 4th one among foursome) : prettiest and popular in our collage. well isn't being pretty an invisible privilege.

me: I just wonder what my invisible privilege is........

I do agree to the fact that everyone is blessed with an invisible privilege or talent.

It's been 21 years and I have totally no idea what my strength is............ I still don't know what I am passionate about.

I am indeed jealous of people's passions and how they follow them around but I wonder wheather this jealousy arose from hating their success or annoyed but myself.

so.......

I wonder where do I get to know about my invisible privilege .

I think I should consider thinking seriously about it.

Till then......................................

Dear diary,

I can't believe I spent my whole day asking wierd questions to people around me......... just to find my invisible privilege and I ended up dead disappointed.

jippu as usual was calm to hear all my weird thoughts and at the end gave me a confusing piece of advice........

" stop searching for your inner talent, when you distract yourself it would eventually find a way to express itself, universe would help you do so"

Now I am more confused with what I am doing with my life. Honestly whenever jippu starts taking about universe, it creeps the hell out of me.

I remember back in geography class when our teacher taught us about sun, moon, stars and stuff......... it was like a family drama until she introduced the "Almighty Black Hole" ........... she introduced black hole as a planet eater and we ended up believing that we were going to face apocalypse.

It took me years to escape from the fear of planet eater black hole.

My quest for my secret privilege reached to a point that I decided to ask aksh (my younger sister) about her thoughts on this.

( It's quite weird whenever I get quiet confused I end up asking my younger sister for advice.........

shouldn't this be the other way???? Shouldn't I be the one who gives advice......... since I am the elder one???

well I guess no........ she is far better than me in answering random questions. )

Aksh's answer was wierd as well..............

" stop wasting your time on random bullshit, find a hobby just for a sake of finding one. If you enjoy doing it continue to do so and if you don't find it interesting just leave it. Since you are not going to die tomorrow, I guess you have a lot of time to find anther one. "

she was quite rude........ may be I was disturbing her in the middle of her favourite tv show.

I think I should agree to this, how long am I going to wait for others to tell me what my strength are and what would I enjoy doing.

I guess I should find on my own.

Try something . What if it works out.

but now I am more confused....... what is the random thing that I would start doing????

reading (time consuming)

drawing (no talents)

watching TV (that's how you kill time- not productive)

......... list goes on.

last time I remember aksh had a summer break she decided to take drawing seriously. I remember she was quite passionate about it later on.Since she had a talent in drawing, with little effort she was able to make good sketches of people.

l envy her.

at least she knew what exactly she wanted to do.

and I am stuck figuring out wat exactly I wanted to do.

so I would proceed with 1st thing that comes to my mind tomorrow..........

I think I should stop overthinking........... just go for it that's it.

I hope things works out

Till then .............................