i don’t know where to start. i don’t know what to tell you, how to advise you, how to teach you about being there for him.

i’m writing this not because i’ve chosen to let go but because i don’t know where or who else to talk to. my best friend’s only going to tell me to quit while i’m ahead and that things will get better but i just wanted - i just needed a space to vent and to feel sane again even if it’s just for a minute.

he said it was just going to be a break - a week of time apart so we can get our heads on straight and figure out where to go from here but there’s something about the way he’s talking to me about it that makes me feel like he’s already made a final decision. it’s like he’s preparing me for an end neither one of us really want but feel is necessary to continue on living. it’s like he’s trying to make sure i don’t do anything stupid or reckless after - to make sure i don’t lose myself in this completely and as admirable as it is, i don’t want to hear it. not yet. not when i still feel like there’s a lot we can do about where we are now.

he changed things for me you know. i was never the type of person who wanted to get married or to really settle down with a partner or want to have children but god, for him i’d risk it all. i want to be able to spend the rest of my life with him - to wake up and to fall asleep with him next to me and to get through major life changes with him around to watch me grow. i want to move in with him one day and house a number of cats and plant babies; to take him to my favorite places overseas and maybe even visit a couple of his. i want to introduce him to the rest of my friends, to watch them get along and for him to listen to stories we promised never to repeat to anyone but ourselves. i want to watch him succeed, watch him flourish and accomplish a number of things he never thought possible - to be there for him when he needed me and even when he didn’t. i want to feel just him. to love just him. but i don’t know if i can anymore. i don’t know if i still have time.

so please, to the person who loves him next, please take care of him. make sure he eats more than just noodles and take out - that he gets a fruit or cheesecake every now and then. make sure he gets enough rest and that he sleeps because he gets so lost in his work every now and then that he forgets to put his health first. tell him you love him and show him that you care. don’t ever say that he isn’t trying because he is - for you he is. even if you lived in another city hours away he’d drive every other week just to see you smile. he’ll try his best to make time for you and he’ll do everything or anything to keep you happy when he knows he’s upset you. he’ll hold your hand while he drives and walk on the not-so-safe side when you walk down the street. he’ll hold onto you when you’re afraid to cross the road and stroke your hair to help you fall asleep. he’ll keep the notes and the letters you send him and he’ll try to write the same. he might not be too good with words but he tries and he cares.

order anything with him and he’ll spend half the time trying to feed you bits and pieces of the meal that was supposed to be his. it’s not entirely a bad habit of his but if you asked him to stop, he wouldn’t. he’ll pause momentarily but he’ll be back to hold up his fork and offer up another piece of the meal that was supposed to be his. you’ll notice after a while that he takes care of you a lot - sometimes even put you before himself and ask you what you want instead of asking for something himself. he’ll keep a lot of things to himself and he’ll break only once things are too hard to keep in. he won’t let you fuss over him or worry about his well being but please do so anyways. if you must, do it in secret. he isn’t going to take it if it’s offered to him directly but we both know that such a burden is too much for him to carry alone. you might feel helpless, maybe even useless at times but all you have to do is stay.

he likes his ice cream and his cheesecake so get him lots of it when you can. he hates the orange creamed oreos but he loves and will take everything else. he isn’t too big a fan of coffee but if or when you take coffee dates, he’ll take the sweetest one there. more stay in dates than out, more kisses and movies than most and probably a little bit more teasing than you’d like but he loves every bit of you and will continue to love you even if you push him away.

to whomever loves him next, i hope you don’t find him for a little while. not yet. i know i probably don’t deserve to have someone wait for me or to have someone as loving and beautiful inside out as he is but if you could, please run into him a little later. just until i get to mend my broken heart and feel ready to let him go. i know it’s selfish and self centered but i can’t watch him be with someone else just yet. not when he’s made me feel love the way i do.

let me hold onto him a little longer. let me stay with him a little longer. i just want another night or two and then maybe i can hold onto him forever. just please don’t find him.

not yet.