Her Secret Screams

By: Rhea Tio Montero

Jane was walking on the street out of her mind, walking like a zombie. Head low and without any energy. What the doctor drop earlier made her deaf even the loud beeping of the cars and the shouts of the drivers at her with full of frustration, scratching their heads as if they have dandruff.

“Hey! Do you want to die?” an unknown man asked.

She looked at the man directly and answered politely “How, I wish Sir” then bowed her head, asking forgiveness for the traffic she have caused and continue walking until her feet touch the floor of their home.

She doesn’t even know if this is called a “home”, since the death of his older brother the whole mansion become dull. Her parents doesn’t want her because for them she was the reason why her brother died that soon to be her Dad’s successor but turns out to be dead and buried 6 feet below the ground. Thanks to her.

“I’m home” she said as if someone would greet her back.Stop dreaming, Jane! They hate you! She silently scolded herself.

She walked sadly on their grand staircase that worth half million. At the middle, she stop and sigh then continue on walking until she’s in front of his brother’s room. She put the key on the key hole and open it. She put her shoulder bag on the bed and touched the big picture frame of his beloved brother. Later on, she talk.

“Hey, Kuya. I know you are watching and guiding me from above. Thank you for saving my life even though I didn’t deserve to live. You see? I’m dying, kuya. Hahaha unlucky you, you risked your precious life for this dying girl.”  She blinked and tears escape from her eyes.

Flashback*

“Doc, Good morning. I received your email last night and you said the latest result just arrived. How was it?” Jean asked gleefully.

Aside from being a cancer patient which was her parents didn’t know because of the incident happened to 5 years ago which she’s just thirteen at that time. She’s turning 23 next month but her parents never forgive her.

“Hey! Come have a seat Jane” Doc Ryan said. He was the one who help my brother when I collapsed outside the café. Also he was the one who told us about my condition, I don’t know if I would be thankful or not.

Jane sat at the client chair. “Then? How was it?”

“Are you sure you don’t want to undergo a treatment?”

“You know my answer would still be the same”

“Why?”

“I don’t have a reason to live. You see? My parents hate me, my brother died because of me, nobody cares for me”

“You still have a month to live, Jane”

“What?”

“You still have a month to live”

*End of flashback*

Crying and shouting silently for all the pain she have felt every day and the fact that her parents didn’t know about it for 5 years. They are not interested anyway. She was just 13 when she and her brother find out about her condition.

Before she was eager so undergo a treatment but now all she wanted is to see her older brother in heaven. I miss him. I miss my protector. I miss my shield. I miss my strength. How I wish that I can turn back the time so that I can correct my mistakes that lead to my brother’s death.

“I’m so sorry, ya. It’s been years but still I can’t forgive myself. I always dream about that incident, it was deeply carved inside my head and whatever move on I make will always a failure”

Jane felt her knees weakening, she lie on the bed and continue crying until her heart's content. She was exhausted and fall asleep and she was awake because of her mother’s angry voice.

“Why the hell, you evil thing is here?” her mom asked like she was not her own flesh and blood.

“I did tell you a hundred times that you are prohibited to enter this room! How many IQ you’ve got in that head of yours? For you to forget  huh? What a retard shit”

That was hurt. *Sighs* Never mind I was immune being called one for 5 years; I just hate the fact that they didn’t throw me out! I would gladly leave if they would ask for it.

“What?! Why the hell are you not answering? Why are you not defending yourself? Guilty are we?”

She remained silent, mouth close and low her head as if she’s a dog being scolded by her master’s. I wished this would stop. I wished my heart would stop beating. I wished I was the one who died. Before her Mom continue with her monologue, Dad interrupt.

“Hon, I want to rest! Let her be, for now”

“Good for you, evil thing” Mom said before shutting the door.

I didn’t know if I should be thankful or not. What Dad said was not to let me go. If mom is angry about my brother’s death, my dad was more angry than mom. If you’re asking why I did not leave this home that’s because of my brother's memory.

Jane with swollen red eyes go to her room and crumpled on her bed as severe headaches attacked and her vision become blurry.

Arrrrrghhh!! My head is like going to explode in any minute! Arrrrrghhh, Jesus!

The grunt of the hurt woman could be heard in the four corners of the room, its Jane’s. Nobody was there for her, nobody wants to be in her side not even her parents. She was alone all through the years, she doesn’t have someone to lean on.

Arrrrghhh! Shitt it so hurt! Is this my karma for being a stupid sister? Is this?

Her headaches last for many hours until she fall asleep without eating anything. At exactly 3 a.m she was awaken by her nightmares again. I don’t know if there’s a night that I will sleep well without getting awaken because of my nightmares. Maybe that would be the day when death welcomes me.

She go to the kitchen and drink a fresh milk after that she go back to her bed. Lying down, thinking.

Should I need to move? Before I die I want to leave my life to the fullest and being with this house is like caging me.

With that thought she got up and get her diary, there she listed down her 10 bucket list before dying. After that she get three pairs of clothes, one pair of flip flops, one pair of shoes and 18 designer bags. She left the bags that her brother gives to her special occasions. When she finished, she slowly lock her room and quietly leave the house. Before she left, she looked at their house that she leaved for 17 years.

Kuya, I hoped you would understand and support my decision for leaving our home. I’m so sorry, I just want to do this my way.

After that, she completely leaved. Good thing there’s a taxi outside their subdivision. It was an old man, maybe around 60s or 70s.

“Child, where should I drop you?” the old man asked.

“Ahm, take to the near bank Grandpa where there’s 24/7 ATM machine” she answered.

When they arrived she go out then said, “Grandpa, can you wait for me? I just need to cash out some money”

“Of course” he answered.

She swiped her card then put her pin. She cash out five hundred thousand pesos, half of her trust fund amount. Gonna use it wisely. After that, she go back to the taxi. The old man was felt awkward and intimidated as he saw the huge amount of money.

“Now grandpa, take me to an orphanage you know that was far from this city” she said.

Without any thoughts the old man start driving away from the city, it took them 3 hours drive so basically they arrived at 6 in the morning. She give the old man 30 thousand pesos for her fare.

“But this money is more than enough, lady”, the old man said as he try giving back the money but Jane held his hand and answered.

“I know, grandpa. I give that amount of money for my fare and also to help you even if you don’t tell me I know you have a problem in your home. Look, an old man at your age should be resting and sleeping comfortably in your home at this hour not waking up at 3 a.m. and start finding money. So please take it.”

The old man can’t say no because true enough, he have a financial problem facing at that time. When the old man goes back to the city, she enters the orphanage. She was welcomed by Mother Teresa, the one who handle the orphanage for a long time. The owner of the orphanage is Mr. Ruiz, the father but they heard that the orphanage was under his sons' supervision. But the man wasn’t always there so Mother Teresa takes place.

“Good morning, Miss. How may I help you?”

“Mother, I need a place to stay. Can I stay here even for a month?” she asked.

Mother Teresa nodded her head and guides her until they reach the room in the backyard. The children playing with their toys stopped and looked at them. Maybe they are wondering who I am. They entered the room; it has minimal designs with black and white theme. It looks like a guys' room. Before she could asked Mother Teresa talk.

“Its Mr. Mercadejas son’s room, he’s not here so for the main time you can use this. His in New York, next month will be his return”

She just nod her head and thanks for the kindness Mother Teresa showing. She enters and close the door, she hold the doorknob tightly and the other hand is on her head as her headaches attacked. As days pass, her condition become worst.

Arggghhh!!!! Shhhh No, not again. I don’t have enough arrrrghhh shit shit shit! I need to hurry.

She get her pain killers inside her shoulder bag and eat it without any water, the sour flavor of the medicine doesn’t have any effect on her. She take it as if they are just candies. When she feel that her body can take it, she stand up and start putting her things in the right places.

After that, she go to Mother Teresa’s office. She talked about her plans on donating 400 thousand pesos in the orphanage for the cancer patients and her reasons why. I doesn’t want them to be like me, no attention from their parents, doesn’t feel loved by their own parents. I know they we’re left behind by their biological parents but having a lot of Mother and Sister guiding and helping you until you grow up is more than enough. I rather choose water than blood.

When they finished talking, Mother Teresa hug her and held her hand because according to her they’re going to eat their breakfast. It was a breakfast that full of laughs, at that moment her heart felt light. I wish time stop if only this kind of happiness I’ll get every day. Too late to regret Jane.

Two weeks had passed and Jane became attached with the kids and the people in the orphanage. While she was enjoying her remaining days on Earth with the kids. Her parent doesn’t take time to look for her given the fact that they know she went missing because their housemaid phone them. Indeed, they loved their work more than her.

The changes on her physical appearance is visible, her headaches become worsened as days past. She felt her muscles slowly weakening to the point she didn’t want to go out so that the kids will not asked about her condition, her vomiting blood and slowly by slowly she had a memory loss but her memory with her brother is still intact. I don’t want to forget him.

She bucket list before she died almost finished. First, need to escape home ✅. Second, donate money✅. Third, sell her bags ✅. Fourth, smile more often✅. Fifth, go to the beach ✅. Sixth, make a letter for her parents’ ✅. Seventh, visit her old school✅. Eighth, visit the place she hate. Ninth, visit her brother’s grave. Tenth, send the parents to her parents. She still has 2 weeks more and she have 3 in her list remaining.

On the same day, she go to the place where the incident happened. She was alone even though Mother Teresa keeps on insisting to accompany her but she declined. She want to go there alone even her body strength isn’t that strong she have perseverance to go. She get her pain killers put it on her small backpack together with her phone that was off since she left, a bottle of water, power bank, in pods, wallet and her diary. She wore a white fitted shirt covered with jacket, paired with faded blue jeans and black sport shoes then she’s good to go.

It was just a one hour ride until she reaches the town and a half hour ride to Gwanahaha Island where her brother death takes place.  She takes a lot of courage even though her heart started tightening upon seeing the curly waves and salty air of the ocean that is so blue, it was like reminiscing her past.

Maybe it’s a good sign that. I should learn how to forgive myself before I die. She looked up and smile. Wait for me, Kuya. I’ll be with you soon.

When they reach at the beach, she step on the sand as the sun hit her whole body as if they are embracing her. A warm embraced, indeed. She go to the big rock formations and one by one her tears fall rapidly. She started crying silently but when she can’t take it. She creams her frustrations and heartaches.

“I WILL LEAVE THIS WORLD WITH PEACEFUL HEART! I WILL NEVER EVER LET HATRED EAT MY SYSTEM JUST LIKE BEFORE! AHHHHHHH I HATE BEING STUPID SHIT! I HATE YOU KUYA FOR SAVING MEEEE! I HATE YOUUUU! IF O-ONLY YOU LET ME DIED THAT TIME! YOU WILL BE STRIVING YOUR DREAMS NOW! YOU WILL LIVE YOUR LIFE! I HATE YOUUU! AHHHHHH”

She didn’t mind the man who came with her, the owner of the boat was silently watching her from afar.

“MOM, DAD! I HATE YOU TWO! YOU GUYS THINK I DIDN’T KNOW THE TRUTH HUH? THAT I AM NOT YOUR BIOLOGICAL CHILD! I WAS JUST SOMEONE YOU GUYS SAW ON THE STREET IN A SMALL BOX. YOU GUYS JUST FELT PITY THAT TIME SO YOU DRESS ME, FEED ME, PROVIDE ME A SHELTER AND GIVE ME THE FAMILY I DON’T DESERVED!”

“HAHAHAHAHA, IF YOU CHOOSE TO IGNORE THIS SHIT RETARD! YOUR ONLY SON WOULD STILL ALIVE! I WAS THE REASON. YEAH! I AM BUT I THINK LIVING LIKE HELL FOR 5 YEARS WOULD BE ENOUGH PAYMENT FOR WHAT I’VE DONE.”

“I DIDN’T EXPECT THAT JETSKI HAVE MALFUNCTIONS! IF ONLY I KNOW I WOULDN’T RIDE THAT ONE! AND I WOULD NEVER PREDICT THAT KUYA WOULD SACRIFICE HIMSELF FOR ME TO SURVIVE.  IF ONLY I KNOW! I’M SO SORRY”

When she finished crying everything her heart felt light, after that she go back to the city. She only have few weeks before she will leave or many tomorrow or the next day she will die. She doesn’t hold her life and that’s the fact, the only thing she can do is to accept the reality. She’s in the deep thought when the man talked.

“You know what? Sometimes you need to let go those memories who have been hindered you from growing, those memories who have cause you a lot of heartaches, killing you mentally and emotionally.”

She looked up to the man and she was mesmerized by his wonderful mismatched eyes that she didn’t notice earlier. Now that they are so close those eyes captured her attention fully. She remained silent as the man continues on talking and sometimes she talked back. When their boat reaches the shore, the man helps her going down. She get her wallet out of her bag to give her payment to the man but he didn’t accept it in exchange he asked for her name.

“Its Jane Camero” she answered and the man extend his hand to her, saying his name “Light Christian Mercadejas”

After that they left the boat in the coast, Jane started walking away from the man but the man keeps on following her until she reach the capital. Oh God, why this man keep on following me? Is this because I didn’t pay him? Well he was the one who say that I shouldn’t. She was bothered so turned back and face the man.

“Why are you following me?” she asked as if she was irritated. The laughed at her face not because she was funny but she was hella cute, the man says in his mind. When he first saw her, cupid got a bulls eye on him. Now he was falling to the girl in front of him. It’s not pity just because he saw her crying but what he felt is what they called love at first sight. He even pays the real owner of the boat just to be with the girl.

“I don’t. This is the way where my destination is. How about you? Where are you going?” he asked coolly.

“Christian Faith Orphanage”

“Ohh, God. Is it destiny? I will go there too.”

“Really?” she asked flatly

She goes back together with Light, when they reach the orphanage. The children run towards them. Wait, its him. They run towards Light. Light immediately hug the children in his arm it might her heart. There are also children whom hug her legs saying Welcome back! The other children run towards Mother Teresa’s office, minute after Mother Teresa came out hugging the man named Light. Oh, they knew each other. No wonder why the children here know him.

“Oh dear Light, its been a long time. I thought you would come back after a few months. What makes you moved your schedule”

“Oh that, I just give Jane a ride, so she’s the reason why I came back early. Knowing that I’m her now for sure dad already know. *sigh* I still want to enjoy island hopping but I think I should start taking life seriously now Mother Tes” he said and a genuine smile crept on her lips

“Why have you seen the one already?”                                              

“uh-huh*nods*”                                              

They are still talking as Mother Teresa held her hand to go with them in her office.

“ohh I think I have an idea who’s who hahahaha you have a good taste, Light. Oh before I forgot, well you already know Jane. So she was in need of shelter and I can’t give her the room near the children’s corner, you know why and ahhm—she’s a bit of sensitive especially now. I tell her to stay at your room”

Hella yeah, indeed it was set by our destiny and Mother Teresa was the tool hahaha. Light’s mind was shouting and celebrating in happiness while on the other hand, Jane was like strike by a sudden impact of lightning. Like what? That’s his room? So he is the son’s owner? Oh my God, why he act as if he was just a mere fisherman who owns a little boat but turns out owns a ship. Indeed, we shouldn’t judge the person by his or her physical appearance.

After the talk happened between the three of them, Light and Jane go to their room but the problem is the room just got only one bedroom so as a gentleman person Light suggested that he would sleep on the sofa outside and she will take the room. Conscience keep on attacking Jane when night came, with the thought in mind that Light might get bitten’ by mosquitoes and its cold outside because December is coming she go out. She wakes Light up and this man got one of the sleepy head.

“Hey, Light. Wake up. Sleep inside the room not here its cold” as soon as she finished saying those words Light suddenly got up, get his pillow and run toward the room. Jane followed laughing.

They become good friend after that, Jane’s parent didn’t find her not even once. She just know them well. When she decided to visit her brother’s grave, Light is in her back. Silently watching her for the second time she was crying so hard. Light already know her conditions and since then he kept on insisting that she would be fine is she would undergo a treatment but she know more than him. She felt weakening of bones as if they would break in any minute.  The ninth on her list was checked, she’s near on moving on and readying herself for her death at the same time but Light was never ready, when cupid shot him the poison of love he didn’t notify him that he will love a dying person. But I will not give her up. We will be together for a long time. I’ll make sure of that.

One year had passed and Kathy is still living her life, there’s a lot of changes happened. She and Light are together officially, happier and blessed. She started doing treatments as what Light wanted, she want to lived more than a decade for Light, indeed Light is her light, he’s a god sent. So genuine and loving man, she ever met. It was last month, when she found out that she will become a mother.

At last, I can build my own family whom to accept the whole me even my imperfections and flaws. Thanks God for this blessing. I should tell Light about this.

True enough she told Light about the baby and he was crying while shouting I am going to be a father soon, hahahaha. They are the happiest but that happiness was not for long, when they visit an obgyne. She was told to choose between the baby or her health, if they choose to continue her pregnancy then she will not be able to undergo treatments for her health. Both of them go home and talk about what to choose but Jane already choose one and is to continue her pregnancy, Light was disagree with her decision.

“We will not continue your pregnancy; you will undergo your treatments” Light said with finality.

“But think practically, babe. This baby has a greater chance to live and be with you for a long time than me, he is the fruit of our love we can’t just abort him or she that easily. I can’t do that”

“Babe-“

“My decision is final, I’m the one who gonna bear this child of ours and not you so the final decision is mine. No other than”

Their relationship become cold after that argument, Light was not always at the orphanage and Mother Teresa keep on watching over her, if she eats well and such. She planned to go to the hospital we’re her doctor was. She arrived at the hospital but when she entered she saw her parents talking to the doctor. Her parents was shock as they looked at her and hug her tightly, saying sorry to her for talking bad about her and saying mean things. They talked outside the hospital in the garden, and she told them that she was fine on how they treat her and was thankful that they adopted her. They are shock on how she have known that but she just smiled and thank them for everything.

“Why you didn’t tell us about your conditions?”

“You hate me for sure you guys wouldn’t believe me. I didn’t tell anyone because you will give me pity”

“You really think that, we didn’t love you”

“Of course you guys love me before but it was changed when kuya died. I know that I am an adopted child when I was 10, when I heard you and mom talking about my real parents but I remained silent all this years because who will gonna feed my stomach if I will rebel, I should be thankful.”

Her parents cried of what she said and hug her tightly asking when will she go home but she answered, I am forever thankful for giving me an opportunity to be part of your family, the family that I don’t deserve at first place. I will not go home as I find a new home that where I should belong, an orphanage. Bye for now mom and dad. Don’t worry when I die, I will make sure that you will know. She smiled sadly and turned her back on them. She talked to her doctor and she found out that result he was reading is not for her but the other patients’. She has 2 years left but the one year has gone, a year would do to labor her baby.

They got married when she was on her second trimester. After 8 months, she was on her 3rd trimester and near her due. Light never leave her side just like he did before even its hard for Light slowly by slowly he started on readying his self for worst to come. At exactly 8 in the evening, her water bag broke; Light hurriedly sent her to the hospital for a delivery. A excruciating pain from her womb to her back until to her vagina walls was she felt at that moment, she pushing as what the doctors told her to do so. But worst come to worst, her breathing become shorts, she came push enough to have a normal delivery. The nurses and doctors were readying themselves to do a cesarean method if she can’t make it because she and her husband Light sign a form that says save the baby than the mother.

I can’t breathe but I need to push for my baby’s safety. For Light. For Christine Jane.

She gives all her strength for her one last push after that she heard her baby’s first cry and put her baby on her chest.

“born on May 3, 2021 at exactly 11:30 p.m”

What a warm embrace and beautiful voice to hear before leaving. I’ll be watching you and your father from above my beloved. Jane’s kissed her newborn child before her breathing suddenly stopped, tears escaped from her eyes as it was slowly closing. The doctor in charge started to revive her but after 30 minutes, she didn’t respond.

“Time of death, 12 a.m May 4, 2021” the doctor declared.

2 YEARS LATER.

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday, happy birthday, happy birthday to you, Christine”

Everyone sang as Christine blow her candles; it’s her 2nd birthday without the presence of her mother, my wife, my Jane. Jane, honey. I know you’re up there watching and guiding us, please guide me on how to become a good father and a mother to our child. I’m happy that you stand your decision steel as rock to continued your pregnancy, now even your gone I still have the mini you. She really looks like you. Thank you for giving me the reason to continue on living my life. Thank you for leaving me with precious gift that I ever had. I love you honey.

“I love you you, Daddy”

“I love you more, Princess”

                                                              -END-