[Romance and friendship] Contradicting emotions (part 1)

Teenage, a chapter of our life when curiosity reaches the peak and with overflowing energy we start doing anything new we can find. The 'new' can be something good or something prohibited. Although, in actual the more it is prohibited the more interesting it is.

However my teenage adventure is still in level zero as all my time was spent only on studies. Finally my efforts are paid and I am going to one of the finest college in my state. Soon I will be turning 18, so adulthood plus college, something interesting must happen right? Pretty obvious, the first thing I had in mind like most, was finding myself a girlfriend. Among all those romantic movies, series, novels, there has to be a story which will fit into my life. However, 1 year has passed, and all I was able to gain is the title of 'good friend' from the girls in my faculty. Yes, I am slow, and I am very very introvert. I can't even look at any girls face while talking. Inspite of all these issues, I actually have someone in mind. Someone, who has those eyes. You know, those pair of eyes, which can see through you, and you feel vulnerable and get scared. Because you can see your true self in them. I was scared as well, scared of opening up to someone. What if I decide to reveal everything, and that vulnerability makes me weak. Probably I would spent all my college years in the dilemma and after these years are gone I would go mad thinking why I hadn't take the first step. Luckily, she is not like me, who would lost the chance in hand and later regret. She is bright and confidant, never hesitates to say her mind. Every sight of her character attracts me.

It is my second year of college and we are now lab partners. Of course it was her initiative, she asked me to be her partner. I know she didn't asked me to be her life partner, but I gave some over excited expressions (in secret). But what can I do, It is the girl I was crushing over for one year. And now it is possible that she may have some feelings for me too. The past weeks in college was very nice for me, specially the time after lunch break. Of course that is when our practical classes commence. And obviously we don't discuss experiments only.

The thing I like most is, she is a good listener. She listens to all my gibberish with patience and she even remembers the small details I mention. I feel overwhelmed with happiness to finally found someone who is able to open the folds of my mind, one by one. Even I can't believe myself I am opening up, all those doors that I have locked till now,are being knocked by someone, waiting to be opened. I have also discovered an innocent and childish sight of her, she said she doesn't open up like this with everyone but only with the close ones. So, am I close?

It has been going smooth, I mean my life. I am doing good in my studies, and my love life has finally started to take a form. We often talk to each other on phone now, in the college we sit together and spend most of the time with each other discussing our thoughts on various topics. We are very close friends now, you know, that close when your other friends start to believe that their is something going on and secretly pair you up. Honestly, I don't mind this imaginary stories they make, but I don't know if she does.

It's almost the end of our second year and suddenly the pressure of studies has doubled. We barely get any free time to relax, let alone having fun. Obviously we don't get much time to talk over phone either. I can't even miss her properly, all my head is filled with deadlines of assignments. One such night, the clock showing time 2:00 am, and I am trying to read the notes half asleep, my phone light up showing a notification of one message. And just like that all the sleep my body was engulfed with is now gone. The message is from her and I can only see the first few words of it, written as 'I miss you. I don't kn'. I never knew that a person can feel scared and excited at the same time but I know now. My hands are shaking as I am going to open the message. My head has already written an essay thinking of the next possible words in that. But what if my thinking is wrong. What if it is just an illusion, and my heart that already took a leap will fall shredding to pieces.

My second year exams are over, and here comes the final one. It still feels strange to think that two years have passed. It's like I walk in of that door yesterday. Many things changed, almost everything. Many of my friends left the course, some were unable to pass the exams, and now only 30 students of us are remaining, and still fighting to graduate. But I have someone from the beginning to till now by my side. Yes, its her, my 'constant'. That night she proposed me, thinking as I may take another three year to say it. And she was right, I might never have the courage to say it first. But I did show the tiniest bit of courage I have and we started our relationship. Finally, my story is having the chapter, where red roses become your favorite flower, bright colors attract you, monsoon suddenly starts giving you romantic vibe and all...

It's been a year and a month we are together. Nothing can be better than this. We have already decided that we will go to the same university. Although it is one of the top university of our country so we have to work really hard. But we believe our love will be our inspiration.This year has been full of pressure as expected but I don't worry, as all I need to relax, is see her and talk to her once. I don't know how but only seeing her enlightens my mood. They say we are still in our lovey dovey period of relationship, so everything seems sweet, but soon we will be out of it and everything will start changing. We don't agree. I mean what wrong can possibly happen that can fade your love all of a sudden? right?

In two weeks, we will have our final theory exams. I am very nervous with one paper. That is not my cup of tea, but If I have to go to that university I have to get good marks in all papers. Since last week, I am also having some health issues. Often I feel feverish and I have lost appetite too. My mom wants me to go to see doctor but I don't think that is necessary. Anyway I have a lot to study, going anywhere is just loss of time for me.

It's one week to my exam. I still have a lot to study. But I am now in hospital, I am not even able to lift my arms properly. I have dengue and typhoid. After checking my reports doctors said it's good that at least I am alive. Last week I was admitted in the hospital, my mom is staying here with me. I feel very sorry that I am giving them this much stress, If I had listened to mom and went to see doctor early then maybe my condition would be better. I feel helpless.

Today is my first exam. My parents told me not to give the exam, but I insisted. I want to try. My preparation of this paper was already bad and incomplete and now I don't know for how long I would be able to sit and write. After returning, my head is filled with many thoughts. My paper was not good, even if I am able to pass but that would not help me with anything. My overall grades will fall, I won't be able to go to any good university. I don't know what should I chose, should I give the upcoming exams and pass it with an average grade or should I quit? Because if I clear the exams I will get my graduation with average grades, which will be useless. But if I chose to drop this year and repeat? What will others think? What will my friends think? Will they think I failed?

Today is the last exam of my subject. I am at home. I decided not to give the other exams. And in that way I will be able to repeat my final year again. It's been hard for me. Repeating one year is not easy. Specially when you will see your classmates going to universities and the faces that used to be your juniors are now becoming your classmates. I am terrified at the thought of going to classes now, what will they think of me, how will their eyes judge me everytime they see me? One thing is certain I will not be the respected senior in their eyes I once used to be.

The exams are over, many friends are calling me as none of them know that I was ill and hospitalized(because I only decided to inform my teachers) . Either they are really worried or just wanna confirm if I have dropped this year or not. Afterall it will be a good topic to discuss after your exams are over, that weather what I did was correct or not. At least that will serve their purpose of passing free time. I actually don't care much of what they are gonna say. All I want to clarify is only to her.

Since I missed my second exam, I tried calling her several times. She didn't pick up. I sent messages but not a single one was seen. I was worried if she was fine and asked our common friends. They all said she is fine, so I thought maybe she is not checking her phone during exams and once it will be over she will definitely contact me. But she haven't, not yet. But I know she will, very soon. Afterall I have so many things to say to her.

The next day I got a message from her, as I thought she would. I explained my situation and she understood as well. She gave me hope and said everything will be fine.

It's past a month that exams were over. Everyone is enjoying their holiday except me. I am always depressed with the thought whether what I did was right and how I am gonna deal with the next year of my life. I often wake up at night, and all I feel is loneliness. I don't know why but she doesn't speak to me that much. I still speak about all of my insecurities and darkest fears but all she replies with a 'mmn', as if she is not even trying to console me. Or all of these is my imagination? Am I bringing things up out of my depression?

It's been three months exams are over. Today the results will come out. I feel a strange feeling building inside me. I haven't given the exams, so what could be possible of that I am afraid of? Maybe seeing the result, where it's written I have failed. From childhood, I was always a good student, I never saw that word, not even once. Now in such an important exam I am going to fail. This thought was enough for giving me goosebumps. Something is going to happen that I already know, but that truth is very sharp that it is cutting me from inside and all I feel is pain, an unexplainable pain.

After the results came out, I cried alone in my room, as if I was expecting a miracle which will make me pass or a magic which will make all of this a dream and I will wake up. But neither my tears stopped nor I wake up. It was all real, it was the heavy reality I have to carry with me for the rest of life. But was I only crying for this? I heard she passed with very good grades, so good that it will be easy for her to go the university. Although she didn't told me herself. I always thought I would be very happy with her achievements. But another hard truth was piercing my heart, I wasnt happy, hearing the news made me feel more depressed, made me feel useless.

Almost another year has passed. Soon I am going to give my final exams and this time I am well prepared. This one year was the hardest year of my life, but I learnt many things. This knowledge you can't get from books, only life can teach you. In any situation the people you can always except by your side is your parents. I am thankful. My teachers were very helpful to me as well, and my nightmare of my juniors being my classmates... I can only say you can never predict what will life give you. They still call me dada(senior brother) and help me with everything. They never looked down on me. But this is not the only case where my assumptions contradicted.

As you might be curious, I thought no matter what the person always standing beside me will be her. But was she? Soon after the results, she slowly cut all the connections with me. I don't blame her. Why would I? It was my fault. I failed. I am no one to pull her back. But all I want to know is that was the reason? All I wanted that she tell this in my face that I am unworthy. I am not good for her. After all these months, all these closeness don't I deserve atleast this? an answer? some reasons to think of. some reasons for which I can say to myself ' see that's why she left you'. But all i get was a blank. A blank that was never filled with the truth but my imaginations.

I have passed my exams and I graduate now with very good grades. I am going to the university. My parents are happy and I am less depressed. Past year has again changed me. I am not very positive about my university life as I have become more introvert than I used to be. The doors that opened earlier are now locked again and tangled with chains so no one dares to even knock anymore. I would never allow anyone again. By the way, I am going to the same university as her. Why not? It's the best afterall, and it's my dream too. And anyway, she is no longer the same and neither am I. The only relationship is now we will have Is she is my 'senior' and I am her 'junior'

This is end of part one. If I get atleast 50 readers then I will write part 2.