Repressed Feelings

She was known as a cold-hearted Introvert, workaholic and a quiet girl whom no one dared to approach. She had that cold beauty which gave others the chills, though she had many pursuers, admirers or persons who wanted to be-friend her but eventually gave up because of her cold attitude.

Her nearly perfect behavior, cold personality and domineering aura made her unapproachable. Her colleagues and students all like her but no one dare to get close to her.

She was an immigrant who taught in one of the most prestigious University and held a high position. Her work was stable yet she had jobs such as an anonymous Horror novelist, Comedy script writer and in her free time she volunteered in orphanages and old age homes. Most of her salary went to her family back in her country of whom no one else knew except herself, donating the other remaining to old age homes and orphanages. Kind as she seemed no one saw warmth in her smile or felt joy in her laughter. Her eyes had that emptiness which felt like a bottomless pit. It was like she had a shield which prevented people from coming close to her. She was "so close yet so far". She excelled in almost everything that she did making others feel inferior for she never showed her flaws and emotions no matter what she faced. She was a blank page that couldn't be deciphered.

Until, a warm sunny person claiming to be her brother came in search of her at the University, he had enrolled himself to be with her. She coldly refused him and thought of moving away to another state yet he persisted and made her stay. Two years later, her two sisters and parents also immigrated to where she was, they bought a house and began to persistently call her to live in with them yet she cold-hearted as she was, finally decided to move to another country. Every member of her family thought she was cold-hearted and unfilial only her mom knew the reason.

A few years back she was the top student in her school and she was a promising daughter to whom her siblings, friends and mates look up to, her sunny and approachable personality made her more likeable. Parents used her as an example to teach their child to look up to yet she became an unfiliail daughter in thier eyes when she left behind everything and went abroad after her graduation. She sent a large amount of money for her sibling's studies and her parent's living but she never returned home.

She grew up with her granny and when she passed away leaving her all alone, she could no longer fall sleep when someone slept beside her, she had to sleep alone, put off the light and close the blinds inorder to fall asleep. After a month of persistent pleading she went to live with her mom who had now remarried with a baby girl. Her parents treated her well and she had another baby sister and two years later a baby brother bringing her great joy. Her siblings often wanted to sleep with her leaving her no choice and she would wake up to nightmares and fell asleep when she slept on the carpet alone, by morning, she would wake up early to prepare breakfast and no one would notice she had slept on the ground.

She was a girl of Few Words, quietly reading a book in her leisure time, she stayed in residential schools and seldom came home for holidays which made her home unfamiliar and she paid what she could with her scholarship and never was a spendthrift. She had a few real friends but she never was really close with them but she was sincere and only spend time with few individuals. Being an introverted girl, she seldom spoke but did so when necessary so no one took it as rude but rather admirable.Teachers liked her personality and even the Principal liked her a lot as a model student. Yet every of her perfect image in others eyes were shattered into pieces when they saw her become unfilial and leaving her family alone.

Her relatives and siblings asked her not to go yet she never turned back... her mom remained silent and prepared everything for her, she wished all the best and let her go. Everyone hated her yet no one knew that she had an unimaginable secret which only she knew. She could be the Professor she wanted to be, travel the world with her family and have lots of delicious food to her hearts content had 'that thing' not occurred on that fateful day.

She wasn't perfect as everyone thought she was, she had faceblindness but she learnt to remember people close to her by their smell, voice, clothing and the way they walked, she also had a poor sense of direction for she was unfamiliar with the place called her 'home', she seldom went out of the house when she came home or took her dog with her if she had to. She hated the bright light and the blinds or curtains being kept open in her room for it reminded her of her granny who kept everything bright because of her failing eyes. She found it difficult to express herself and tended to think before doing something or speaking. People's praises and expectations of her made her pressured and she strived hard to be perfect in everything, making her more and more of a perfectionist. Her emotions and feelings were not expressed though she smiled a lot she seldom spoke. Her sunny personality attracted people to her yet she kept to her few friends but, was amiable with everyone. She remained a perfect daughter and a model student an example until, the time she left her country, family, relatives,friends and everything.

A few years after her graduation everyone was looking forward to her because she always shone no matter what she did, she herself anticipated her future and planned to continue her further studies and in the mean time be financially independent and look after her siblings. She could be perfect If not for 'that thing' and if that had not happened on that fateful day.

'She went to a Bookstore near her home and as always she had her head up in the clouds.(not completely focusing on what's going on around but concerned in one's own thoughts) Given her poor sense of direction in an unfamiliar place she walked on and on till she realized that she was going deeper and deeper into the forest, then she walked towards what she thought was the way out which led to her doom'. Her parents and relatives searched for her the whole night only to find her return home the next day 'unharmed'. When asked what happened she simply replied she 'got lost on her way home went deeper into the forest, spent a night in the forest and continued walking the next day till she saw the highway waked towards it and luckily met their neighbor's vehicle passing that way so she got home with them'. They were relieved hearing this and each went back to their own home, everyone else went back to what they were doing.

She decided to take a bath with hot water so she poured the bathtub full with boiling water, she seemed to have lost her feeling of pain for she poured the boiling water till it scalded her body, she scrubbed her body till it became dark with all the skin rubbed so hard, she felt a sense of satisfaction which was like removing something filthy. The feeling of being 'defiled' disgusted her so much and she wanted to stop thinking about it again and again but everything remained in her head vividly. She felt so guilty, worthless, and physically and mentally tired. She couldn't accept reality and continued soaping herself again and again feeling dirty all over and wanted to peel off her own skin.....till she heard a knock on the Bathroom door by her brother saying he wanted to take a shower.

She went out in her bath robe went to the kitchen got the Knife and played with it, deep in her thoughts till...she heard her sister come into the kitchen she went to the Fridge took an Apple and went into her room, on the way she stared at the rope lying on the floor of the storeroom. She thought it looked strong enough for her purpose, she went in her room stabbed the Apple furiously several times but felt bad for it was her favorite fruit and gobbled it up.

As she changed into her nightgown she saw the clothes that she wore yesterday which made her unable to control herself as she frantically searched for the scissors and began continously cutting it into pieces, it was one of her favorite clothes. As her mother approached the door, she heard soft sobs and the cutting sound of scissor, she felt shocked for she never had seen her daughter's tears. She came to bring her something to eat for she thought her daughter was too tired to come for family dinner which she never missed.

Her mother entered and saw her child in such a disheveled manner; uncombed hair, and a body battered with bruises, injuries and scalded wounds. She fell to the ground in disbelief as she saw her daughter in such a state, the daughter turned to see her mom on the ground and was surprised but calmly said "Where do I burn this?" .....she then put on a jacket, wore a trouser and went to burn the clothes, as she did so, she felt the sense of removing something dirty like, clearing garbage and putting it into the Waste Bin.

She came back to her room to see her mom sitting 'still' on the ground and as she entered her mom rushed out to get the First-aid kit, made her sit on the bed and applied ointment and balm for the burns, bruises and the injuries. As she applied the ointments she felt so bad for her child and hugged her tightly in her bosom, she cried silently and as they hugged she felt a sense of relief, a feeling she had never felt before, a feeling of 'home'... she broke into soft sobs and wept bitterly. Though she had never shared her personal life with her mother and was never close she felt a sense of familiarity like that of her granny's smell, a soothing earthy-like smell which was her favorite smell, she wept bitterly like a small child which broke her mother's heart and she felt the child whom she had once thought to be matured, sensible, confident, fearless and perfect was still a small child who never knew how to express herself.

Though she never said a word, her mother instinctively knew what had happened and began to blame herself for not protecting her daughter well. She thought 'When did her fearless and perfect daughter fear anything? a night in the forest would never scare her', yet when she saw the bruise on her neck, limbs and body besides the scalded and scrapped wounds she knew things were different.

Then, she thought "had my mother come into my room a little late the daughter she would be holding in her arms would be that of a deceased". Well, she decided to end everything herself with the knife under her pillow after taking into consideration the rope in the storehouse, the balcony, rooftop, the bathtub, every possible way but she didn't want to give any sort of trouble to her family. Luckily her mom came to check on her thinking, that she might be too tired to come for family dinner. Her mom's arrival saved her.

She then decided to leave home, which was against everyone's wishes though her mother said nothing but prepared everything for her and supported her decision. She left, leaving everyone disappointed...She decided to let go of her past and inorder to do these she wanted to go 'to a place where no one knew her' and her past...she didn't want to stay in a place where everything reminds her of what she went through. She gradually completed her studies while doing part-time jobs and became financially independent by working part- time, then started working as a Professor in a University, later transferred to one of the most prestigious University. But her feelings, emotions were all buried.

Until her brother came.... later, her whole family immigrated to where she was and with thier warm heartedness, she changed slowly with time and unchanging love into a sunny, jovial person the person who she once was. She and her family depended on each other and still volunteered in orphanages and old age homes who are now glad to see warmth in her smile and pure joy in her laughter.

She had "numbed" herself the moment her granny left her as a means to protect herself, that shield was slowly melting with the love she received from her family yet when she felt bare, filthy and torn she choose to put her shield even thicker than before and decided to stay inside her 'Protective Shield' like that of a Tortoise which hides when facing danger...The small child in her got used to being alone and independent that even when she grew up she was unable to express herself which made her a cold-hearted person.

Don't judge a person by their looks you never know what they've been through...

#Another Universe another me.