How does it feel to be alive but still dead?
Wanting to touch the sky but not wanting to leave the ground?
Trying so hard just to end up losing more?
Yearning for love but having nothing to complement it?
Smiling all day but you just want to cry?
Accepting contributions happily but feeling guilty to the core?
Being jealous of others but still hoping for their best?
Looking back at old days just to wet your pillow with those untamable tears?
Scared but still taking the bait?
Nowhere to go noone to reach but you still give new things a try?
Too broke to let things pass away like the wind?
You want to disown yourself.
You want to kill yourself.
Want to try harder, just to fail.
Want to be supported, want to be loved.
Want to be less guilty, not the wounds to be rubbed.
Want to end everything, nothing feels good.
Despair and gloom has made its roots in you.
Why are birthdays the best and the worst days of one's life?
They are best because everyone is so good to you.
They are best because you suddenly feel so special and want to love yourself more.
They are best because you feel more powerful and want to surpass every challenge to achieve your dreams.
But
They are worst because you'd be wanting to end that life you're celebrating for today.
They are worst because they make you feel guilty of how much a disappointment you are to those you have so much faith in you.
They are worst because the power you feel that day fades away like a mere breeze that you can't even feel.
Yesterday was my birthday. 19th November.
Why do you exist?
You will never know why you still exist.
Why am I not dead yet?
Atleast people would commemorate me for 2 days.
Now that's some things I've been wanting to say in a long time.
I'm currently suffering from maladaptive daydreaming or/and scrizophenia. It's not yet checked up though buy I probably need to be admitted at this rate.
But I've got bad health conditions. I fell unconscious and was hospitalized few weeks ago.
Why am I still here?
To write this thing I had no intention to?
Nope. Never.
I'm here because I feel writing down things has an effect on the mind which helps it to sort out things better.
I want to thank two people here - @love hunter and @prarthana. They're the ones who actually got me out when I fell deep into the dungeon.
But now I'm back right where I started from.
Fighting against this beast is tiring, I want to give up so badly.
But hey dear who's reading this, don't give up on yourself, okay? I don't have any positive words to encourage you right now, but please hold on before ending your life. I'd love you for that.
"Things will be better tomorrow."
That's what I say to myself every single day.
It makes me cry more. It makes me realise how pitiful I am.
Anyways, bye. I hope you have a great life.
Don't worry about me, I'm still hanging out there with a bit of hope still left in me.
I promise myself I'll try my best to create a beautiful life. The rest is all in the future.
