IVAN
It's been a year since I last saw the guy who broke my heart. Now here we were at a party a couple of feet away from each other. He was surrounded by new friends and her. The girl he told me not to worry about when we were together. The way he had his arms wrapped around her made me wish it was me, made me wish he didn't break my heart the way he did.
The question had run around my mind for a year. Did he love me? I watched him with her; he seemed happier with her than he did with me. Shit. This is a party. I should have fun. Someone passed a blunt around. I didn't smoke. I had to maintain my voice to sing in my band. But I said fuck it and took the blunt when it came my way.
Puff. Blow. Puff and blow again.
I choked on the smoke, my lungs burning. I passed the blunt to some blonde sitting beside me. She smiled at me, her fingers brushed mine as she took the blunt, taking a long drag. She moved closer to me and suddenly kissed me; I opened my mouth as she let the weed smoke out into my mouth. Her tongue explored every part of my mouth. If I was straight this would have turned me on. She could tell I wasn't enjoying it. She pulled away, face red. "Sorry."
"If it matters you're a great kisser though," I said with a smile.
Her face got even redder as she parts her lips to say something, but the person beside her taps her shoulder for the blunt. I get yanked up, stumbling to catch my balance as I'm taken to a more secluded area of the house. Jungkook stood in front of me, and I didn't know what to say.
Why did he drag me away? We stared at one another and it wasn't long before Jungkook wrapped us up in a kiss, our hands fumbling around each other's bodies. His kiss told me he missed me, yet there was this emptiness. I felt his hands slip in my pants. That's where I had to stop everything before I did something I'd regret the following morning. I took a step away from him, rubbing the back of my neck as I looked else to avoid eye contact with him.
"I miss you," Jungkook said.
My eyes focused on a crack running along the dingy yellow wall.
"You don't miss me," I said. "You miss what we used to have."
The loud music shook the walls and all you could hear was freak nasty and the girls yelling out the lyrics probably dancing around drunk. I turned away from him to leave, but he grabbed my forearm, pulling me to him, my back up against my chest, his arms tightly around my waist, his head on my shoulder.
He was my favorite person. These days I was lonely and having him this close to me slowly opened the wounds in my heart that I spent a year healing. Again, I'll have to heal them on my own and I'll constantly ask myself: was I not good enough?
Maybe she was perfect in ways I wasn't and maybe she gave him all the things I could never.
"I'm sorry," Jungkook whispered. "I don't mean to be this clingy. But I miss the way your body feels against mine."
"Don't say things that are gonna make me wish we were back together."
"I love you."
"Jungkook stop."
"I know you still love me."
I chewed my bottom lip and fiddled with my fingers.
"Are you doing this to fuck with me?" I asked. "Do you enjoy hurting me?"
When we were together, our relationship was give and take. I always gave and Jungkook always took. He was controlling and everything needed to go his way and when it didn't, he got violent. That Jungkook I didn't like seeing. Jungkook knew I would always have a soft spot for him. If he left and came back to me, I would take him back with no hesitation. I'm low enough to love him all over again as I did in the very beginning.
"You're my boy," Jungkook murmured, kissing the side of my neck. "Don't be this way with me."
When he said that it reminded me of the time I caught him kissing her and I confronted him about it, he told me I was being overdramatic. That the two of them were drunk and weren't thinking straight. When I brushed him off and wanted to leave to cool my head, he grabbed me, slamming me against the bedroom door: Don't be this way with me. Had two different meanings coming for him.
"The band wants you back," I said. It was my way of changing the subject.
Before we broke up we were in a band together. He was the drummer. He left after breaking up with me and getting with her. The band was struggling to find a drummer that was as good as Jungkook.
Jungkook gently swayed us. "I'm starting a band," he said. "Come be the lead singer."
"Jungkook?"
"Yes?"
"Can we not do this?"
"Do what?"
"Pretend that everything's okay between us."
He turned me around to face him. He brought his hands to my face, cradling my cheeks. "But everything is okay between us. If I could go back in time and change everything I would, Ivan." Jungkook said.
"You could have chosen me. If you loved me, you would have stayed by my side like you promised." My voice came out shaky. "I hate the fact I can't hate you because my heart is still in love with you. Please let me hate you so I can move on from us."
Jungkook said nothing and pulled me close to his body, hugging me. I wrapped my arms around his body and buried my face in his chest. He smelt of lavender.
"I can't have you hating me." He kissed the top of my head. "Having you hate me will make me feel like the bad guy."
But you are.
The party on the other side had died down and muffled voices called out for Jungkook. For a minute, we stayed embraced. I didn't want him to leave.
Jungkook pulled me away from him and kissed my cheek. He smiled that bunny smile of his that made him appear innocent, but he was far from it.
"I love you, Ivan." He said.
"I-I love you too."
At this moment I knew from here Jungkook would shatter my heart again and I will be the only one to blame for getting hurt.
