What is real pain? To me, I can't say I have experienced it. I feel that I lost the emotions capable of feeling anything, including pain, love, hate, longing, fear. I feel that I lost my human side sometimes. Or what made me human.
When I think back, what made me lose it, or when did these emotions slip from the tips of my fingers?
Maybe it was the time when my cousin first started touching me as an innocent child when I was only four or five.
Or maybe it was the time my alcoholic father started hitting me. Or the rapid insults that came spitting out of his mouth.
Maybe the lack of consideration and understanding that dissolved the last and fighting strands of love I had for him.
Or maybe my mom who I wished would save me from all the torture inflicted on me. The person who I love the most in the world, was just only feeling half to two thirds of what I feel when i know she knows what in going through, but she doesn't lend me a saving hand.
I suppose it was the time when my aunt started throwing me against walls or the time she decided to starve me.
Or the lack of love I got from my five siblings as the only one I could rely on was the side of me that felt nothing.
The people I meet say I'm nice, that I'm a great person. The people who have feelings for me say they love me. But how do you love someone, or say you love someone when you really don't?
People praise the me who is void of emotions. The me who can't feel love, pain, hate, fear or any other emotion. The me who is void of my human side.
Everyone has their mask, but break mine, and all you'll see is the emptiness and darkness that clouds and fogs over my mind.
So when you ask me what real pain is, it's the pain you feel when you can't feel anything at all.
